


Stolen Time

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Fighting, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Loss, PTSD, Relationship Problems, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, loss of a child, school shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-23 03:31:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 126,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17072708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael and Olivia's marriage and family are shaken by a loss so great, they aren't sure how they will survive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very personal fic from me. I don't want there to be any confusion, so I'm going to be perfectly clear. This fanfiction centers around a school shooting where numerous children die, and it explores one specific families grief over the loss of a child. There are mentions of violence, PTSD, Suicidal thoughts, etc, and it is not a light and happy fic. This topic is important to me as I've been in a few scary situations in my own high schools, and I recently read and watched the play 26 Pebbles that discusses the aftermath of the Sandy Hook shooting. That is what actually actively got me thinking about this story. For anyone who may be upset by this, I wanted to prepare you. Read at your own risk. 
> 
> I hope this means something to you all. It is very close to my heart, and I hope I've done it justice. As always, comments are more than welcome. I love them. Hopefully I'll have the next two chapters out soon. 
> 
> A few quick notes for clarity. When scenes are separated by a line of periods (..........) it will be between present time and a flashback of some sort. The present time is chronological, the past is not so much. If sections are separated by an asterisk line (*******), it's separating present and present but there may be some sort of time jump.

Rafael had never felt such acute panic in his lifetime. His heart was beating so fast, the blood rushing through his ears. He couldn’t hear anything. He felt so dizzy as he raced into the building, eyes immediately searching through the throngs of children and parents, through the mess as he looked for the three little boys that belonged to him and Liv. He wasn’t sure where she was, and he was too panicked to check his phone. He knew she’d be here soon. Right now he was worried about them. He had to find them. He needed to find his babies. He was so desperate. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his throat closing up, chest tightening, like a fist, clenched. He didn’t even know where to start looking. “Rafa.” He turned around, seeing Liv, and they both had tears in their eyes. 

“I don’t know where they are,” he whispered, tears starting to overtake his voice. “We need to find them. I don’t know--” Liv grabbed his hand, squeezing. 

“Let’s split up, start looking. I’ll text you,” Liv said. He could hear the emotion in her voice, but she was doing a better job holding herself together. At least that was the way it looked on the surface. Rafael took a few deep breaths, starting to try and focus enough to find his kids. 

…………………….

Their morning had been hectic. Olivia was in the shower, and he was still in bed when the sound of little feet running down the hallway woke him up. He groaned, rolling over, but the doorknob jiggled for a couple minutes before it flew open and a little body flew onto his bed. He opened one eye, seeing his five-year-old peering back at him with a big smile. “Hi, Daddy.” Sebastian’s voice was soft, and Rafael smiled, trying to break out of the fogginess of sleep. 

“Hi little man,” he said. “Why don’t you go get dressed for school.” 

“I want cheerios, and Davey does too,” Sebastian said. Rafael sighed, throwing the covers off of himself. Sebastian was clutching his teddy bear, Davey, in his arms. 

“Where are your brothers?” he asked, scooping Sebastian up, and heading out towards the kitchen. Noah was straining to reach the cereal, Leo standing beside him with a smile on his little face. Rafael set Sebastian down, grabbing his youngest, Leo, instead. “Who wants cheerios?” he asked. Sebastian raised his hand high, and he put Davey’s paw up. 

“Me twoooo!” Leo yelled. Rafael looked to Noah. 

“I want Fruit Loops,” Noah said. Rafael nodded, getting the milk from the fridge. 

“Everyone, sit down,” he said, kissing Leo’s forehead before putting him in his booster seat at the table. 

“Don’t forget Davey!” Sebastian yelled, and Noah rolled his eyes. 

“I wouldn’t dare,” Rafael said, getting out a separate little bowl to please the five-year-old. Out of his three children, Sebastian, by far, took the most work. He poured cheerios into three bowls, and then Fruit Loops for Noah. He poured in the milk before putting the bowls on the table for the boys to eat. “I’ll be right back. Behave.” Rafael said. He was starting to get his clothes out of the closet when he heard screaming from the kitchen. He sighed, going back out there to see what was going on. Leo was sobbing, there was milk all over the table, and Sebastian was standing on his chair, holding Davey in the air. “What is going on here?” He asked, scooping Leo out of the booster seat and bouncing him. 

“Sebastian poured his cereal all over the table,” Noah grumbled, standing up and heading back towards his bedroom to get dressed. 

“Noah, wait,” Rafael said, but he was already gone. “Sebastian,” he said, shaking his head. 

“Davey got all wet,” he said sadly. 

“That’s what happens when you dump your food everywhere,” Rafael said. Sebastian looked at him for a second, tears filling his eyes, and Rafael sighed. “Sebastian.” He started sobbing though, and Rafael didn’t have enough hands to wipe the table, hold Leo, and get Sebastian down. 

“Hey handsome, need some help?” Liv’s voice was a welcome interruption. She kissed his cheek, and he turned towards her. 

“Please,” he whispered, handing Leo over. 

“Hey mister, let’s go get you dressed,” Liv said, disappearing down the hallway. Rafael grabbed Sebastian, wiping the table off quickly. He started smacking Rafael in the chest, fighting him. 

“Put me down,” He yelled. Rafael shook his head. 

“Stop it, no hitting,” he said, but Sebastian just narrowed his eyes, hitting him harder. “Hey, do you want to go in time out?” He finally stopped, holding the soggy teddy bear out to his father. 

“Daddy, Davey is all wet,” he whispered, his eyes still shining with tears. 

“I will clean him up later, come on,” Rafael said carrying him back towards the bedroom. Sebastian was pouting, but Rafael ignored it. They were trying so hard with him, so hard every day, but he was stubborn. He wasn’t sure which one of them he had gotten that from, but it could have easily been both. Rafael put out clothes for him to put on, and he started getting dressed. Rafael took the teddy bear, heading towards the laundry room, but he was interrupted by some crashing from somewhere else in the house. He put Davey down on the top of the washer, going back to find the source of the sound. It was from Noah’s room, and when he poked his head in, he saw books and movies that fell from the shelves. He helped Noah pick them up before going to get his own clothes on. After a peek at his watch, he realized he didn’t even have time for a shower which was fantastic. He quickly started dressing, going into the bathroom and rushing through his daily hair routine. He brushed his teeth and went out to find his briefcase. It wasn’t by the door where he had left it. “Liv?” he called. “Have you seen my briefcase?” 

“No, Rafa,” she yelled from somewhere else in the house. Rafael headed down the hallway, and then he saw Sebastian’s door partially open, papers on the floor, and his heart sunk. He opened the door, and Sebastian was throwing papers everywhere, giggling, some of them torn up, and Leo was standing on his bed, on the edge. He looked like he was going to fall. 

“Sebastian Luis Barba!” Rafael raised his voice. He never raised his voice. He tried so hard every day to never yell. It reminded him too much of his own father. “I’ve told you so many times not to touch my papers.” Sebastian looked up at him with big eyes, real tears filling them this time. Rafael stared at the ceiling. 

“Hey boys,” Liv said appearing at just the right moment. “Sebastian, come with me. Let’s leave Daddy and Leo alone to clean this up.” She took Sebastian’s hand leading him out of the bedroom while Rafael tried to pick up all the salvageable papers and reorganize them, but he felt exhausted. Leo handed him a paper, and he pulled his little boy close, kissing the top of his head. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, pulling him close. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“Love you, Daddy,” Leo said, grinning. At two years old, he was a surprisingly easy child, especially compared to his brother. 

“I love you too little man, I love you tons,” Rafael said. He finished cleaning up, heading out to the kitchen where Liv was waiting for him. “Are they already gone?” he asked. “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” 

“They were going to miss the bus,” Liv said. “You’ll see them tonight. Let’s go, we have to get him to the school for daycare.” 

“Why don’t we just drive them all?” Rafael asked. “I feel like that would be easier.” 

“Sebastian likes the bus,” Liv said. “He would throw a fit.” Rafael nodded, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. He sighed.

“I yelled at him,” Rafael whispered. Liv squeezed his hand. “I didn’t mean to. He just pushes the boundaries so far. I can’t--I can’t yell at him though. I can’t do it.” 

“Well, we can talk to him this evening. It’ll be alright,” Liv said. “We all make mistakes.” He nodded, getting Leo buckled into the car. He just had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. The day was going so poorly already, and somehow, he felt like it was only going to get worst. 

…………………..

Rafael was pushing through people, rushing around, and trying desperately to find his kids. He finally spotted someone he recognized. He saw Leo’s daycare teacher, and he rushed over toward her. “Mr. Barba,” she said, and the look on her face made his heart stop. “I’m sorry, today has been...Leo is...he’s around here somewhere.” He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It only took a few minutes before a younger helper came over, holding his son. Leo smiled at him, and Rafael almost cried with relief. He took his son, holding him close and kissing the top of his head. 

“Hey, mister. I love you. Let’s go find your brothers,” he said. Rafael scrambled to get his phone out, typing a quick message to Liv.  _ I’ve got Leo. _

Her response was quick.  _ Some of the classes are late. I’m by the front waiting. _ He gulped, praying that his kids were okay. He didn’t know if he could deal with it if they weren’t. He carried Leo to the front. He needed to see Liv. She had tears in her eyes when she saw him, and he handed Leo over despite the fact that he never wanted to let go of his little boy again. Leo hugged Liv, and she held him close, rubbing his back. Rafael reached for her hand, feeling like he was going to collapse onto the ground. His worst nightmares were coming true. 

……………………..

Rafael had been so busy with work, he barely knew what day of the week it was. He was just in the door, expecting to see Noah watching cartoons, but the tv was off, and the apartment was dark. “Liv?” he called, putting down his phone for a second. She didn’t answer. Rafael shook his head, looking back down at the email he was trying to answer. He set his briefcase down on the couch, shrugging his jacket off. He caught sight of one of his favorite pictures of him, Liv and Noah. He was so glad he had finally been brave enough to actually ask Liv out on a date. It had taken some adjustments, but he had settled right into the little family, and they were in the process of him adopting Noah as well. Things were going well. He frowned at an email, shaking his head and answering one of the interns.

“Rafa?” Liv’s voice was soft. He barely even looked. 

“Yes honey?” He asked, still half occupied with his email. When she didn’t answer, he frowned, looking up. “Where is Noah?” 

“He’s at Amanda’s place for the night. We need to talk,” Liv said. The tone of her voice had him worried. He shut his phone off, tucking it in his pocket. 

“What’s going on?” He asked. She took his hand, leading him over to the couch. It took her a couple minutes, but she was holding something. He took it with shaking hands as she held it out for him, and he felt like his heart stopped. Not necessarily in a bad way, mostly in shock. He looked down at the little plastic stick. Two lines. He looked up to Liv, and she was waiting for his reaction. “You’re pregnant?” He asked, his voice mostly filled with disbelief. “I didn’t think you….I mean I’m happy. Do you want to—What do you want to do? You know I’ll support you.” She looked back at him with surprised eyes of her own. 

“I don’t know Rafa,” she whispered. “There are risks for the baby, for me.” 

“Well, we can go see a doctor, figure out what they think. We’ll get you some information so you can make a decision. Like I said, if you don’t want to do this, I will sit with you while you have an abortion. It’s whatever you want. I’m here,” he said. 

“Thank you,” Liv whispered, and he pulled her in for a hug. “I think I want to keep it, I want this baby, I’m just worried about the health risks.” 

“I love you and Noah and our baby, and we will figure this out,” Rafael said, hand going to her stomach. “We’ve got this.” Liv looked at him gratefully, and he rubbed her back. He hadn’t ever been so excited in his life. 

……………………

He felt like he was standing there doing nothing, and he wanted to do something. He wanted to feel like he could protect his children. Liv was still holding tight to Leo who was starting to get tired and fussy, and Rafael was standing there, literally shaking. “Rafa,” she said softly. “Hold him.” She always could read him. She knew he needed to feel Leo, to hold him and know he was safe. He held tight to the two year old, feeling tethered to the earth at least. He gripped Liv’s hand, trying to keep her grounded as well. He felt so dizzy. 

“Liv, Barba, we came as fast as we could.” Rafael turned around to see Fin, Sonny, and Amanda standing there. They all looked grave.

“Any word?” Amanda asked. 

“S-Some of the classes are late,” Rafael said softly. “Noah and Sebastian aren’t here yet.” They nodded. Fin put a hand on Liv’s shoulder. 

“Do you guys want me to take Leo, get him out of here?” Sonny asked. 

“No.” The ferocity in Rafael’s voice surprised even himself. It was silent for a few moments. “Sorry,” he said. “I-I don’t want him out of my sight. Not yet.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Sonny said. 

“We get it,” Fin added. 

“Maybe you two should find somewhere to sit. You don’t look so good Barba,” Amanda said. He didn’t feel good. At all. Somehow, the detectives managed to get two chairs for them to sit in, and Rafael just focused on the way Leo was playing with his tie, trying not to think about the future. He couldn’t handle it. He saw a few other parents that he recognized from Sebastian’s class, and he waved. It was comforting to know they weren’t the only ones waiting. There was so much chaos in the room. Hoards of kids waiting for their parents, and Rafael wondered how they weren’t there yet. He had raced over immediately. 

…………………….

Rafael was so nervous, he could feel his heart beating out of his chest. He knew Liv was probably right. It would probably go perfectly, but he couldn’t help his nerves. He felt like he was going to throw up. Noah was waiting for him in the living room with Liv, and he just needed to get ahold of himself before he would go in there. He ran his fingers through his hair before he made himself take a step and start towards Noah. He smiled at the little boy, taking a seat beside him on the couch. “Hi Rafa,” Noah said. 

“Hey Noah, how’s it going?” he asked. 

“Pretty good,” Noah replied. 

“Your Mom and I wanted to talk with you about something,” he said, looking up to Liv who smiled at him. “Do you remember how your Mom and I asked you if it would be alright if we dated, and if I slept over sometimes?” Noah nodded. “This is sort of like that, and I want you to know, just like last time, it’s going to be perfectly alright if you want to say no. I want you to be honest with me.” 

“Well, I love your Mom very much, and someday, I would like to get married to her. I wanted to know if you would be alright with me adopting you. Do you know what that means?” Rafael asked. Liv rubbed Noah’s back as he hesitated. 

“Like Mommy adopted me when I was a baby?” he asked, and Rafael nodded. 

“Yeah just like that Noah,” Rafael said. 

“So you would be my Dad?” Noah asked, and Rafael nodded again. 

“You don’t have to call me Dad now or a year from now if you don’t want to, but yes, legally, I would be your father,” Rafael said. Noah thought about it for a little bit, and the longer the silence dragged on, the more Rafael felt sick. 

“Would you come live with us?” he asked. 

“Would you be okay with that?” Rafael asked. Noah thought for another second before he nodded. “Then I would very much like to come live with you.” 

“I guess it’s okay if you were my Dad,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled. 

“I know this is a bit of a big change hombrecito, but I know you and I can figure it out together,” Rafael said, and Noah smiled back, letting Rafael pull him in for a hug. Liv smiled at him, and he smiled back, so grateful to have this little family that he never expected. 

…………………….

When the door opened and more students started piling in, Rafael stood up, hands interlocked over his head. Liv had Leo at the moment, and they were switching off, taking turns as they waiting for some sort of news. “Here, Barba, let’s go look for them,” Sonny said, stepping up, and Rafael nodded, trying to keep it together. Sonny walked with him towards the cluster of teachers and students that were now in the back. He was desperately searching, but he didn’t see either of them. He felt like he was going to throw up. He felt his phone buzz though, and he pulled it out, seeing one text from Liv.  _ He’s over here. _ He honestly had no idea which one of them she had, but he just rushed back, and when he saw Noah, he let out a little sob. He felt relieved to have another one of them with him, to know they were safe. He immediately pulled Noah into a hug, kissing his head over his curls and crying. 

“Noah, oh my God,” he whispered. “Are you okay?” There was something in Noah’s eyes that broke his heart, a sort of dullness and fear, and he pulled him close. 

“Dad,” Noah said softly, just resting his cheek against Rafael’s chest. Liv moved down on the floor beside them, wanting to hug Noah herself. Rafael took Leo so she could hold Noah, and he tried to stop crying, but the tears had started to make their way down his cheeks. 

“We’re just waiting for Sebastian now,” Rafael said, wiping at the stay tears with the back of his hand. 

“Daddy, I want to go home,” Noah said softly, and Rafael’s heart broke for him even more. Noah was not okay. That much was glaringly obvious. He wanted to keep both his kids there with him, but Leo was starting to get restless, and Noah looked miserable. He looked to Liv who was crying now as well. 

“Stay here with Uncle Sonny for a minute. I’m gonna talk to your Mom,” Rafael said, handing Leo over to Amanda, and pulling Liv aside. “What do you want to do?” he asked. 

“Rafa,” she whispered, her voice breaking. She shook her head, like she had no idea what to even say. 

“We can both stay here and wait for Sebastian. Fin could take them home. They’d be safe with him,” he whispered. “I don’t want to make this worse for them.” Liv grabbed for his hand, but she nodded. 

“Noah looks….I’ve never seen him like this,” she said. 

“At least he’s alive,” Rafael whispered, and he couldn’t resist pulling her against him for another moment. 

“Rafa.” She just said his name this time. Nothing else, and he knew she wanted reassurance, but he didn’t have any in him. He didn’t know what to say this time, and it terrified him. 

“Liv,” he whispered back. They finally broke apart, returning to Noah and Leo and the squad. “Mom and I are going to stay here,” Rafael said. “But if Uncle Fin doesn’t mind, you two can go home. We’ll be back later with Sebastian.” 

“I can take them,” Fin said, reaching for Leo. 

“We’ll stay here with you two,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded. He held tight to Liv’s hand as he watched Fin leave, holding Noah’s hand, Leo balanced on his hip. 

………………….

“Come on Liv, you can do it,” he whispered. She was leaning against him, damp with sweat, her head leaned back against his shoulder. He held tight to her hands. “It’s you and me. Just focus on me.” 

“I need another hard push on three,” the doctor said from the foot of the bed. Liv shut her eyes tiredly. 

“You’re almost done sweetheart. Come on, on three. You can do it. Squeeze my hand as hard as you can,” Rafael whispered. She nodded, breathing for a few moments before squeezing his hand in a nearly bone crushing grip. Every scream that tore its way from her throat made his heart clench. He knew she was in so much pain, and he hoped it would be over soon. 

“Good, I can see the baby’s head,” the doctor said. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, her voice watery. 

“I’m right here Liv, I’m here honey. You’re almost there. I’m not going anywhere. It’s almost over,” Rafael said. He kissed the top of her head. She nodded, preparing to push again. 

“Alright, on three,” the doctor said. Rafael was glad they really were nearing the end. It had been a long labor. Hours of sitting in the hospital and waiting. She had been pushing for at least an hour at this point, but it felt like much longer. 

“Okay Liv, give me one more,” he said softly. “One more, and we’ll have our little boy.” She pushed one more time, and he held tight to her as she cried out, but then the doctor was holding their son. “He’s here Liv, you did it.” It was only a few moments before they put the little bundle in Liv’s arms, and Rafael felt tears filling his eyes as he looked down at his son. Once he moved off the bed, so Liv could rest, it was his turn to hold the baby. He looked down at him, smiling. He had never expected to have a family like this, but now he didn’t know what he’d do without them. He sat down in the chair beside the bed, leaning back, the baby propped against his shoulder, and he shut his eyes. He and Liv were still debating names, but he liked Sebastian. They had been narrowing it down for months, and he was pretty sure Liv was on the same page as him, but he wasn’t positive. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought about how happy he was finally, and he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. 

……………………

“He should be back by now,” Rafael whispered. “Where the hell are they?” He was standing up, unable to sit any longer. Many of the children had cleared out, but there were still kids there, waiting for or with parents. Most of the kindergarteners weren’t there yet, but they weren’t getting any answers from the school. 

“Rafa...what if…” Liv trailed off, but he knew what she was going to say and he whipped around. 

“No.” His voice was sharp. “Don’t even say it.” 

“I know, I know you don’t even want to think about that, but we need to--” 

“We can’t give up on him. Half the kindergarteners aren’t even here. Just cause we don’t have him yet doesn’t mean he’s dead Liv,” he snapped. “He’s not--he can’t be.” Liv put a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off, starting to pace. He needed space, so he stalked off, going outside the door for some air. He felt like he was choking on the oxygen that was filling his lungs. 

“Rafael.” Sonny’s voice was soft. “Try to calm down, breathe.” 

“Shut the fuck up Carisi,” he whispered. “Don’t tell me how to deal with this.” 

“Snapping at Liv isn’t going to help you. If you want to yell at someone, yell at me. Don’t yell at Liv because she is just as scared as you are right now,” Sonny said. “I’ll go see if the school has heard anything.” Sonny was about to go back inside when one of the principals came out. 

“Mr. Barba? Is Lieutenant Benson here?” he asked. 

“Um...yeah, she’s inside,” Rafael said softly. 

“Why don’t you two come with me. We’re still trying to round up all the kids,” the man said, motioning for Rafael to follow him. He went back inside, swallowing heavily as he followed the man towards Liv. She reached for his hand again, and they followed the principal back to a back room with chairs and glasses of water. Rafael was starting to feel sick again. “Someone will be in when there’s news. I’m sorry this is taking so long.” Rafael looked to Liv, and she just looked down at her lap. He rubbed her back, trying to be strong, to comfort her. Carisi was right. They were both scared out of their minds. 

“I’m sorry I yelled,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Liv said. “I’m scared too. I know.” 

………………….

Rafael felt like he was going to fall asleep standing up, but he would be damned if Liv got out of bed at night for the next few days. He had been up everytime the baby cried. He would pick little Sebastian up out of the crib and bounce him. He rocked him, he sang, and he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. It awed him that he had made that baby with Liv. Sebastian was a piece of them both. He already looked like Olivia, his little nose and his smile, but he had Rafael’s green eyes. Noah had been all smiles at the hospital, holding his little brother with Rafael’s help. They were both trying to spend time one on one with Noah to make sure he didn’t feel forgotten or left behind. He looked down at his son’s peaceful face, smiling and going to put him back down in the crib, but as soon as he set him down, Sebastian started screaming again, so Rafael picked him back up. He went into the bedroom. He must be hungry because Rafael had tried everything else he could think of. Liv sat up in he bedroom when he came in. “Is he hungry?” she asked, and Rafael nodded, handing him over. “You, are the best Daddy, I hope you know that,” Liv said, and he smiled, laying down beside her. 

“I’ve only been his Dad for like a week now,” he said. Liv smiled. 

“You were already great with Noah,” she said. 

“Do you think he understands, do you think he’s hurt by this?” Rafael asked. 

“Not when you promised to take him to Disney World. I have no idea when you think we’re going to have time for that,” Liv said. “I really think he’s happy.” 

“We should talk to him tomorrow, make sure he knows he can tell us if he feels left out or lonely. I don’t want him to feel left behind,” Rafael said. 

“Like I said,” Liv whispered. “You’re a really good Dad.” He snorted, scooting closer so he could look at the baby. He had never imagined this, but now he couldn’t imagine himself without them. 

…………………

“Do you want me to go demand they give us some answers?” Rafael asked, looking towards Liv. She shook her head. He checked his watch. They had been there for hours. He was starting to lose the grip he had on his sanity. He just felt this sinking dread inside of him. He was starting to feel like he was going to pass out. 

He spun around when the door opened, seeing a young woman entering the room, followed by two police officers. Rafael swallowed heavily, wishing he might have five more minutes to hold onto his hope. “Mr. and Mrs. Barba?” the officer asked, and Liv nodded, but Rafael interjected. 

“Mr. Barba and Lieutenant Benson,” he said, correcting them. He was stalling.

“My apologies. Would you like to sit down?” he replied. Rafael swallowed, but he took a seat beside Liv. 

“We’ll wait outside,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded. 

“At the school, there are fifteen bodies, and it’s taken some time to organize who is accounted for, and who is still missing. Your son, Sebastian, has not been located. At this point, there is a good chance he was among the casualties,” the officer said, and Rafael felt like something broke inside of him. Something that could never be fixed. He just stared at them for a couple minutes. Liv was covering her mouth, tears rolling down her cheeks. 

“A good chance?” He asked softly. “So he could still be alive?” 

“We need to identify the bodies, but Mr. Barba, there are fourteen children unaccounted for and one adult, and there are fifteen bodies,” the officer said. He didn’t hear any of the rest of it. He collapsed out of the chair onto his knees, sobbing, and he could feel Liv beside him, holding onto him. He grabbed blindly for her, unable to see anything through the tears. He wasn’t sure how long he sat on that floor, holding onto Liv as tight as he could. He was hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, and he couldn’t stem the flow of tears. His baby, his little boy, was gone. 

…………………….

Rafael was sitting on the floor with Noah, smiling at his son. Noah was his son finally, and that was something that was so important to him. Noah made him a father, but so did Sebastian. Rafael looked down at the little boy who was stacking blocks on the floor. Noah was watching cartoons and occasionally adding a block to the tower Rafael and his brother were building. “Dad?” Noah said, and Rafael smiled. Everytime Noah called him that, his heart soared. 

“Hmm Noah?” he asked. 

“When are we gonna go to Disney World? You promised,” Noah said, and Rafael’s heart dropped. He had promised, and he hated himself for not following up. Things had been moving so fast. Sebastian was a handful, more than Rafael was really ready for. He felt like he was being pulled in so many directions, but he was doing his very best to be a good husband to Liv, a good father to both his boys. 

“I know I promised Noah, and I am going to keep that promise. I just think maybe we should wait until Sebastian is one. Is that okay with you?” he asked. Noah nodded after a couple seconds. 

“Okay,” he said. He looked away, and Rafael moved closer. 

“Hey, buddy, look at me,” he said. “I know this is an adjustment. Are you okay?” Noah shrugged. 

“You and Mom are always busy,” Noah whispered. “Sometimes it feels like you forget about me.” 

“Oh Noah, oh I am so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. What if….what if this weekend, you, me and your Mom go to a baseball game. Just the three of us. I’ll get you ice cream and popcorn. Whatever you want,” Rafael said. Noah looked up to him. 

“Really?” he asked, and Rafael nodded. “That would be fun.” 

“We would never forget about you Noah,” Rafael said. “Never.” 

“I do like having a brother. Maybe he’ll like baseball too,” Noah said. Rafael smiled. That made him happy to hear. 

“Maybe he will. We’ll just have to see. I know you are both going to grow up and do great things buddy, and I am always going to be proud of you both,” Rafael said. “Isn’t that right Seb?” he asked. Sebastian giggled, grabbing a block and banging it off the floor. 

“Dada,” he said, and Rafael stopped. He looked down at his son, a smile spreading across his face. 

“That’s right Sebastian,” he said, scooping up his son. He wrapped an arm around Noah, feeling so fulfilled. He had always thought his job would be what did that for him, but ever since he finally found a family, finally surrounded himself with people he loved, he realized a job never could have done that for him. His family was the number one thing in his life, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

……………………

“Rafa,” Liv’s voice was broken, and he wanted to answer her. He wanted to say something to reassure her, but he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t feel like he could speak or move or do anything. He could barely think. “Rafa, please.” 

“Liv,” he finally managed to croak. “Liv, I--” He dissolved into tears once more. “Olivia.” She wrapped her arms around him this time instead of simply clutching at him. 

“Rafa,” she whispered again. Somehow that meant more than actual words. He reached up, gripping her wrist, trying to pull himself together, but he felt like he was crushed. He felt like all the light had been stomped out of him. He wanted to die. He didn’t want to get up or move on or do anything. He wanted to die. He didn’t want to see another moment where his son wasn’t alive. He didn’t want to wake up in the morning to a bed that Sebastian didn’t jump on, to an empty bedroom in their apartment, to a teddy bear without an owner. He didn’t want to do it. 

“I know this is a tough time, and I’m very sorry to have to ask, but we need to know what your son was wearing this morning.” Rafael felt numb, like the world had ended. Nothing made sense. 

“He was wearing red,” he finally whispered, his voice cracking. “A red long sleeve. That-That’s his favorite color.” He was starting to cry again as he spoke. “A-And jeans.” 

“And Adidas shoes,” Liv added softly. Rafael finally looked up, pulling Liv closer to him. She was the only thing keeping him sane at the moment. The officers shared a look, and Rafael swallowed, trying to prepare himself for whatever they might say next. 

“We’re going to need you to identify the body of your son,” the one man finally said, and Liv leaned against him. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back as she cried, and he pressed his face against her hair, trying to hold back his own tears. “We’re going to step out for a few minutes and give you two some privacy to talk. I’ll let your friends know they can come in,” the one man said, patting Rafael’s shoulder on the way by. He nodded numbly, still trying to be there for Liv. He didn’t feel like he could move from that spot on the floor, or the whole world would come crashing down around him. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, and he shut his eyes. 

“He’s only 5,” he whispered. “He’s just a baby.” 

“Hey guys,” Amanda’s voice was soft as the door opened. “We’re so—what can we do?” 

“They want us to go identify his body,” Rafael whispered. 

“Oh my God,” Carisi whispered. “Here, we’ll come with. We can drive you if that would help.” 

“Y-Yeah,” Rafael replied softly. “Liv,” he whispered. “We should—we should go help the police. We can….we can say goodbye.” 

…………………

Rafael was a mess. He was sure there were dark bags under his eyes, his hair a mess, and he had on a pair of stained sweatpants and a shirt with a hole in the seams. He couldn’t bother feeling bad though. He had been up so late every night with the baby, and now they needed groceries, so he and Noah were walking through the store, looking like a couple of hobos. Noah looked better. His hair wasn’t so unruly, and his clothes were somehow clean. Rafael had run out of clothes. There was no time to do his own laundry when he was constantly cleaning up onesies covered in spit up. He was considering leaving Sebastian in a diaper and not even bothering with the clothes. He grabbed a gallon of milk, putting it in the cart and holding onto Noah’s hand. “Do you want some ice cream or a snack Noah?” he asked. 

“Ice cream,” Noah said with a grin, so Rafael grabbed some vanilla for later. They were walking through the aisles, getting groceries and he was heading towards the front when Noah let go of his hand. He sighed exhaustedly. 

“Noah, please. We need to go home. Your mom is tired,” Rafael said. 

“Dad, can I buy this?” Noah asked, and Rafael turned around, seeing him holding up a little teddy bear. “It’s for Sebastian.” 

“Yeah, we can get him that if you want,” Rafael said, taking the bear. 

“No, I want to buy it,” Noah said. 

“You can hand them the money,” Rafael offered, pulling out his wallet. He shook his head. 

“I want to pay for it with my money Dad,” Noah argued. 

“Noah, you don’t have to do that,” Rafael said, but Noah was stubborn, so eventually he agreed to let Noah use his allowance to buy it. Noah was grinning when he knelt down, handing it to his brother after they got home. Noah had been the one who came up with the name Davey, and it had stuck ever since. 

………………..

Carisi had to pull him off the ground. He didn’t feel like he could stand up on his own, and he leaned against Sonny as they headed out. His arms were wrapped around himself. The room looked dark, and when they made it outside, the sky looked even darker. The walk from the back room to the door felt like an eternity with people staring at them. Rafael was sure he looked like a complete mess. He couldn’t even bear to turn around and look at Olivia. One look at her tear stained face and he would fall apart again. He was barely holding himself together as it was. Sonny put him in the back of the car, helping him get his seatbelt buckled, and Liv climbed in next to him, but he still couldn’t turn and look. She reached for his hand though, and he let her intertwine their fingers, holding onto her. It was something. He stared out the window, his eyes burning with unshed tears. His throat was stinging. 

“Rafa,” Liv’s voice was soft. “We should call your Mom.” The tears spilled over then, and he felt like he was choking on air again. Liv pulled him close as much as the seatbelts would allow, stroking her hand through his hair. “I know.” Her voice was cracking. “Maybe we can wait.” 

“I’ll call her,” Sonny offered, and Rafael could hear emotion in his voice. “I can call her for you. You shouldn’t have to--I can do it.” 

“Uh, thank you,” Rafael managed to whisper. Every word felt lodged in his throat, taking an incredible amount of effort to speak. His voice was distorted by sobs. All too fast, they arrived at the hospital, and this time, Rafael clung to Liv as they started inside. Even Sonny and Amanda had tears in their eyes. The police officers were a few feet ahead of them, slowly leading them towards the morgue, a place where they never should have to see their five year old baby. They stopped outside a glass window, but Rafael shook his head. “No. I want--I want to see him.” The officers looked at each other for a few moments before they opened the door. Rafael followed them in, Liv trailing behind him. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, standing next to the cold metal table in a room that felt too sterile. There was a sheet covering the body. The body of his five year old son, and Rafael felt like he was going to lose it before he even looked. He turned around, trying to control himself. When he finally felt capable of looking, he took a deep breath, wiping his eyes and grabbing for Liv’s hand once more. 

“Are you ready?” the officer asked softly, and Rafael wouldn’t ever be ready for this, but he nodded anyways. They pulled the sheet back, and he started sobbing again as he looked at the sweet face of Sebastian. He pulled the sheet back a little more, seeing the bullet holes that had been  ripped through his little body, and Rafael had to grab the table so he wouldn’t collapse. He forked his fingers through Sebastian’s damp hair, pressing his forehead against the little boy’s cold skin, and he sobbed. 

“I--I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Oh Seb, I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you. My baby.” 

“Oh my god,” her voice was so soft, and he moved over so she could see him too. “He’s so cold.” 

“Sebastian,” Rafael sobbed. “Daddy loves you, I love you. I don’t care if you rip up all my papers or if you smear finger paint all over every wall in the house. You can scream and cry and dump milk everywhere. Please just come back. I love you. You can’t--you can’t be gone.” Liv kissed Sebastian’s forehead, shutting her eyes. 

“I love you sweet boy,” Liv whispered. “I love you.” They stayed there for a very long time, and Rafael wasn’t sure he could ever bring himself to leave. He wanted to stay there and not let go of his son. “Rafael,” Liv said. “Noah and Leo are waiting up for us.” He had no idea how long it had been, but he was still cradling Sebastian’s head in his hands, stroking his son’s hair, crying so hard he could barely see. 

“I don’t want to leave him,” Rafael whispered. 

“He’s safe now Rafa, he’s not in any pain,” Liv said. “He’s not scared anymore.” Rafael knew they needed to go. He had two more kids to worry about at home, but he didn’t even feel like he could care for himself. He kissed Sebastian’s head one more time. 

“Goodbye little man. I love you more than anything,” he said. He finally let go, finally backing away and letting someone steer him out of the room. The ride home was filled with silence. He didn’t want to talk. There was nothing more to say.

…………………

“What do you guys think?” Rafael’s voice was soft, and he peeked over towards Liv. They were sitting the boys down, telling them they were both going to be big brothers. Liv had been arguing with him for months. She wanted another baby, and he did too, but the health risks were just increasing the older they got, and he didn’t want to risk losing her or the baby after her previous complications. After arguing for forever, they had finally decided to try in vitro with a surrogate. 

“So Mommy is gonna have a baby again?” Noah asked. “Like Sebastian?” 

“Um, not exactly,” Liv said. “A nice lady is going to watch the baby until it’s ready to be born. Sort of like a babysitter.” 

“Okay,” Noah said softly. “Will he be adopted like me then?” 

“No, he’s not really adopted. The doctors don’t know if it’s safe for Mommy to have another baby, but technically, the baby is still Sebastian’s full sibling. Remember how we talked about that? You and Sebastian are step brothers technically,” Rafael said. Noah nodded. He wasn’t sure Noah exactly understood, but he didn’t know how else to explain it. Sebastian hadn’t said a word the whole time, so Rafael looked to the three year old. “What about you? What do you think?” 

“No baby,” he said, and Rafael let out a surprised laugh. 

“Why not?” He asked. 

“I don’t want to share my toys,” Sebastian said, and Rafael couldn’t help but laugh again. 

“Sorry little man, I don’t think that’s gonna work out for you,” Rafael whispered, brushing some of his long, dark hair away from his face. “I think you’ll like having another sibling. Don’t you Noah?” 

“Yeah, it’s not so bad,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled at him.

“I don’t have to share Davey though?” Sebastian asked, hugging his teddy bear tightly to himself. Rafael laughed. 

“No, I won’t make you share Davey,” Rafael said. He smiled at his two sons. Adding another child to their family was so exciting. He couldn’t believe his luck. They were all happy and healthy, and he couldn’t have asked for more. 

……………………

Rafael felt numb and cold as Carisi walked him inside the house. He felt like he was going to throw up or maybe pass out. Honestly, it felt like a nightmare, like a dream that he would wake up from, Sebastian jumping in the bed to say good morning just like he did every day. There was no way he could actually be gone. It was impossible. He was only five. The house was dark, and as he walked past the laundry room, he saw Davey, sitting on the washer, still soaked with milk, and he broke. He pushed past Sonny, opening the door and grabbing for the teddy bear. He put it in the washer, and he sunk down to the floor, feeling the vibrations against his back. He covered his face with his hands, feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He was gasping for air. A soft knock on the door startled him. “Rafa?” Noah’s voice was soft, and he sounded a little scared. Rafael swallowed, fighting against the tears. Noah called him Rafa. He hadn’t called him that in years. 

“Yes Noah?” he asked. The door opened, and Noah was standing there, his hand on the door knob. 

“Sebastian is dead, isn’t he?” he asked. Rafael’s throat and nose stung, and he felt tears threatening to fall again. 

“You should go to bed. Where’s your Mom?” he asked. 

“She disappeared off to your bedroom with Uncle Fin,” Noah said, coming into the laundry room. 

“And Leo?” he asked, leaning against his bent legs. 

“Uncle Sonny is trying to get him to go to sleep,” Noah said. He sat down beside Rafael. “Are you going to answer my question?” Rafael looked away, but it was enough of an answer for Noah. “I wasn’t a very good big brother to him,” Noah whispered. Rafael looked to his son, feeling sick to his stomach. 

“What do you mean Noah? You’re a great brother. Sebastian loves….loved you,” he said, his voice breaking as he shifted to the past tense. Noah was quiet for a couple minutes, toying with his sleeve. 

“I was jealous of him,” he whispered, and Rafael’s brow furrowed. “I’m not stupid. You always say I made you a father, but that’s not true. Sebastian made you a father, and he made Mom a mother. I’m not really your kid. I know that, and I was jealous of him and Leo, but especially Sebastian.” 

“Oh Noah,” Rafael whispered. Noah had been changing recently. He was more withdrawn, quieter, and Rafael had been trying to get through to him, but with two other little kids to worry about, it was hard for him to corner Noah. “How long have you felt this way?” 

“I don’t know. It just feels different. I’m not really your kid,” Noah whispered. 

“That’s not true,” Rafael said. “That isn’t true at all. Just because you aren’t my blood, it doesn’t mean you aren’t my son. I chose you Noah. Sebastian and Leo, I love them, but I didn’t choose them. I chose you and so did your Mom. We love you so much. Who told you that you aren’t my kid?” Noah shrugged. “Noah.” 

“Just a stupid kid from school,” he whispered. 

“You know you can always tell me if something is bothering you,” Rafael whispered. 

“I didn’t want to bug you with it. You were so busy with Seb,” he said. Rafael sighed. Sebastian’s behavioral problems and his hyperness had been an issue that he and Liv were struggling to deal with, but he hadn’t realized it was affecting Noah like this. 

“You’re not bugging me. You’re my son Noah, and I love you just like I love Leo and just like I...just like I love Sebastian. I want you to always tell me these things, please,” Rafael said. Noah nodded, leaning against his father, and Rafael wrapped his arms around Noah. 

“I pushed him away. He tried to hug me this morning, and I pushed him away. Now he’s gone,” Noah whispered. 

“I know it’s hard Noah, but he’s safe now,” Rafael whispered. The tears were rising again, and his voice was wavering. 

“I saw...I saw the man,” Noah whispered. 

“What man?” Rafael asked, turning towards his ten year old. 

“The man with the gun,” Noah said, and Rafael had to swallow. “I was hiding in the bathroom when it happened. I heard him...I heard him shooting them.” 

“Oh my God Noah,” Rafael whispered, leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

“Maybe I should have--maybe I should have tried to do something. Maybe I could have saved Sebastian,” he whispered. 

“No buddy. You did perfect. You did exactly what you should have. You hid, and you’re safe now. If you had tried to stop him, he probably would’ve shot you too, and then he would have….” Rafael trailed off. “You did the right thing. Sometimes, there’s just nothing we can do no matter how much we want to help.” He hadn’t realized Noah had been so close to the danger, and it made him feel so sick. He could have lost them both. He kissed the top of Noah’s head again, and he couldn’t hold in his tears any longer. 

“I love you Dad,” Noah whispered, and Rafael held tight to Noah. 

“I love you too son, and I am so glad you’re safe. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. You mean the world to me,” Rafael whispered. “You and Leo and Sebastian, you’re my world.” He squeezed Noah tight against him. He didn’t want to ever let go. Rafael was quickly losing the tight grip he had on his emotions. He couldn’t breathe. He forced himself to let go of Noah. “You should go get some sleep buddy. I’ll see you tomorrow. If you need anything, I’m here and Mom is here. Uncle Sonny, Aunt Amanda, and Uncle Fin are here.” 

“Okay Dad,” Noah said before he left the room. Rafael just dropped his head against his knees once the door shut. 

………………

Rafael was laying in bed, feeling warm under the covers. He was on his stomach, a pillow tucked under his arm. He wished Liv was still in bed, but she had probably gotten up with Sebastian who had a penchant to wake up at the crack of dawn and make the most noise a small child could possibly make. Light was starting to stream though the window, and he had to face away from it. He wasn’t ready to get up. A soft knock on the door ruined his plans though, and he rolled over as it opened. “Good morning,” Liv’s voice was a whisper, and it was a nice warning before the boys burst inside. 

“Morning!” Sebastian yelled, and Noah smiled at him. Noah had a plate in his hands, and Liv was carrying a mug of coffee. Sebastian scrambled up into the bed, his little knees digging into Rafael’s stomach as he settled on his father’s lap.

“Happy Father’s Day,” Liv said with a smile. 

“Yeah, happy Father’s Day, Dad,”  Noah said with a smile, climbing onto the bed beside him. Rafael felt tears pricking at his eyes, and he took the plate from Noah. It had eggs and bacon and toast, and Liv put the coffee on the nightstand for him. 

“Thank you guys,” he said softly. 

“Dadddy,” Sebastian said, trying to get his attention, and he looked down at his youngest. 

“Hmm little man?” he asked. 

“Bite,” he said, and Rafael laughed, giving him a bite of eggs. 

“I got you a present,” Noah said. 

“Noah,” Liv said. 

“Fine, Sebastian helped,” he admitted. 

“Yeah I did,” Sebastian said, glaring at Noah. He was clutching Davey in his arms as always and Rafael smiled, wanting to diffuse some of the tension. 

“Did Davey help too?” he asked. 

“Of course,” Sebastian said, looking at Rafael like he was the dumbest person in the world, and he couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Okay, let’s see it,” Rafael said with a smile. Noah pulled out a wrapped present that Rafael took, pulling the paper apart. There were three ties in the paper, three different colors. One was a baby blue tie with little pink polka dots, the second a red tie with blue paisley, and the third was a soft yellow color that had stripes of light blue. 

“One tie from each of your kids,” Liv said, taking a seat on the bed. He couldn’t help but grin. “The blue one is from Noah, the red from Sebastian--” 

“Red is my favorite color,” Sebastian said excitedly, smiling up at Rafael who laughed again. 

“I know it is,” he said softly, running his fingers through Sebastian’s soft hair. 

“And the yellow one is from baby Barba,” Liv said with a smile. 

“Thank you all, so much. I love you,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of Sebastian’s head. “And I love you,” he said, pulling Noah close so he could kiss his temple. “And I really love you,” he whispered, leaning forward so he could pull Liv closer and sneak a peck to her lips. She laughed. 

“Alright boys, let’s let Daddy eat his breakfast before it gets cold,” she said, scooping Sebastian up from his lap. Noah followed her from the room as she ushered them out, and he smiled, taking a bite of his food. He was only alone for a couple minutes though before the door opened again, and Liv came in again. She sat beside him on the edge of the bed. “Happy Father’s Day, handsome,” she whispered, leaning forward to connect their lips. She snaked her hand under his teeshirt, running it over soft skin. “I have something for you too, but you’ll have to wait until the boys go to bed.” She was practically straddling him at this point over the covers, and he ran his hands over her sides. Her voice was soft by his ear, and he felt stirrings of arousal. She reached under the comforter after moving his plate to the nightstand, fingers hooking in the elastic waistband of his pants. “Do you want a preview?” 

“Oh Olivia Benson, you are playing a dangerous game,” he whispered, feeling breathless. “Where are the boys?” 

“Watching cartoons. I’d say we have fifteen minutes maybe before one of them starts screaming,” Liv whispered. Rafael laughed.

“Probably Sebastian,” he whispered. 

“Do you think you could come in five just to be safe?” she asked softly, and he swallowed heavily. 

“Depends on what you do,” he whispered, and it was Liv’s turn to laugh. She pulled his pajama pants down around his thighs, fisting him loosely before she moved the comforter out of the way and took him into her mouth. He was gasping, biting his fist to keep quiet, and he was worked up, getting closer and closer to the brink when suddenly there was yelling from the living room, and Liv sat up, patting his leg apologetically. He groaned softly. 

“Stay here, I’ll go take care of them,” Liv said. “I guess we’ll just have to wait until tonight.” He looked down sadly, wrestling his pants back up, and adjusting himself slightly. He finished his food, thinking about anything that would get his mind off of his predicament. Once he had eaten and drank his coffee, and he was presentable to be in front of his children, he stood up, heading out to spend the day with his family. 

…………………

The dryer beeped, and Rafael took a shaky breath before he opened the door, pulling out the now warm and clean teddy bear. He clutched Davey in his hand, his breathing ragged as he got up to his feet, feeling dizzy and faint. He walked through the house like a zombie, barely taking in his surroundings. Sonny and Amanda were talking in the living room, Leo in Sonny’s arms, fast asleep. Rafael just walked right past. He looked at the bedroom door, but he turned instead, going into Sebastian’s bedroom. His bed was still an untouched mess, a few papers still scattered on the floor. He sunk down on the floor, his back pressed against the wall, and he hugged Davey tight to his chest. Tears filled his eyes, dripping down his cheeks as he finally just let go. He remembered holding Sebastian right after he was born, and that had been one of the best moments in his entire life. There were only a handful of days that compared: the day he adopted Noah, the day he and Liv were married, and when Leo was born. 

His poor baby, his five year old had been shot. Some horribly disturbed person had forced their way into an elementary school and killed fourteen five year olds and a teacher, taking his baby away from him. Rafael couldn’t breathe. He was sobbing, pressing his face against the teddy bear. He wanted to know how long Sebastian had been in pain. He wanted to know how scared he had been. If Sebastian had to feel it, Rafael wanted to feel it too because he would be damned if his son went through that all alone. He wanted to know where he was when it happened, who had tried to stop it. He wanted to know, and he was going to find out. 

As he sat there, he couldn’t get the morning out of his head. Laying in bed, opening his eyes when Sebastian catapulted himself onto the bed. Opening his eyes to see his five year old, smiling at him just like every other day. That was normal. That was how it was supposed to be, but instead, tomorrow, Rafael was going to wake up in bed with a broken family and a dead five year old to bury. He held Sebastian in his arms that morning, taking him to the kitchen for breakfast, and then he put him down. He wished he had taken even one more minute to hold on. He wished he hadn’t let go. Then, he had been more worried about getting dressed. He should have sat down with his boys, talked to them while they ate breakfast. When he carried Sebastian back to the bedroom, that had been the last time he ever held his son in his arms before he died. Then, he had yelled at him. Rafael had yelled at him, and it made him feel ill just thinking about it. He felt like he was going to throw up all over the place. “Oh Sebastian,” he whispered. “I’m sorry son, I am so sorry.” The last thing he ever did was make his son cry. He hadn’t even been able to say goodbye. “My poor baby boy.” He lowered his head, shaking, sobbing and forking shaking fingers through his hair. He would never get to say I love you again. He would never see him graduate or get married or have children of his own. He didn’t get to say goodbye.

……………………..

Rafael grabbed a tissue, blowing his nose. He felt horrible, and he had been down and out all week. Noah had been the first one to get sick, and then Liv was bedridden for two days, and it was just his luck to catch the plague that was circulating through his house right before an important court date. Sebastian had just started to come down with it as well the day before, and Rafael had put him in bed before laying down himself. He was laying under the covers, shivering. He was freezing, and his throat hurt. His entire body was aching. He let his eyes shut, but the sound of the door opening was enough to pull him from his half asleep daze. He opened one eye, seeing a little body at his door. He knew it was Sebastian. “Mijo? Are you okay?” he asked. The shadow came closer until he could see Sebastian standing beside his bed with a glass of water. 

“I brought water Daddy,” he said. “You thirsty?” Rafael couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. Sebastian could be so frustrating, but he could also be the sweetest little boy. Rafael sat up, pulling him up onto the bed and cradling him in his lap. He pressed a kiss to the top of Sebastian’s head. 

“Thank you for bringing me water buddy,” he said, taking the cup and sipping from it. “Are you feeling any better?” Sebastian shrugged, looking down at Davey. 

“Davey feels really hot,” he whispered. Rafael brushed some hair from his forehead, feeling for a temperature. Sure enough, Sebastian was burning up. Rafael reached over for the tylenol that was on his nightstand. Sebastian made a face, but Rafael finally convinced him to swallow it down. Sebastian cuddled up against Rafael, and he ran his fingers through his son’s hair and down his back. “Daddy?” 

“Hmm kiddo?” Rafael asked.

“When is the baby coming?” Sebastian asked. 

“A couple months, probably two,” Rafael said. “Do you have any name ideas for the board?” They were keeping a white board, a way for Noah and Sebastian to stay involved. The boys would put name ideas on the board or colors for the the wall of the nursery. Sebastian kept saying red. 

“Cookie,” Sebastian said. Rafael laughed. 

“You want to name him cookie?” he asked, and Sebastian nodded. 

“Or ketchup. ketchup is red,” he said. Rafael couldn’t stop smiling. He just pulled Sebastian in for a tight hug, and he laughed. 

“I love you little man. Never change,” he said. 

“Love you too Daddy,” Sebastian said. 

………………

“Rafael?” the voice was accompanied by a soft knock on the door. Rafael didn’t even want to lift his head. He knew it was Carisi, but he wasn’t sure what he could possibly say that would help anything. “Can I get you anything?” 

“Can you get me my son back?” Rafael asked softly, squeezing Davey tighter. 

“I know--actually, I don’t know how you feel, but I want to help. Tell me if there is anything in the world that might help you right now,” Sonny said, coming inside and sitting down next to him. Rafael had no idea. He couldn’t think of anything that he wanted besides Sebastian. 

“I’ll get back to you on that,” he whispered, letting his head fall against the dresser that was beside him. They sat in silence for awhile, tears just trailing down his cheeks, one after another, but having someone else there helped some. He wasn’t alone. He couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian. It was all he could think of really. “It’s not fair,” he finally whispered. “It’s not fair, he was supposed to grow up and be happy. He wasn’t supposed to get  _ shot _ at school when he was five years old.” Carisi didn’t say anything, but Rafael didn’t care. His breathing was picking up as his emotions that he had been barely keeping a cap on before started to spill everywhere. “This is some bad dream. He doesn’t belong in a morgue. He was so small and sweet and energetic, and when I touched him earlier, he was cold and still and dead, Carisi. For God’s sake, he wanted to name Leo ketchup because ketchup is red and red is his favorite color. That’s who we’re talking about. My sweet, five year old son.”

“I know it doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense about it Rafael, but it’s not going to make sense. Whoever did it was sick, disturbed. There aren’t answers, and I know that hurts, but there aren’t,” Sonny said softly. Rafael just shook his head. 

“I want him back,” he whispered, shutting his eyes. “I just want him back.” 

………………..

Rafael had butterflies in his stomach. It was different this time. He was glad he didn’t have Liv to worry about, but that meant the nerves were even worse. He wasn’t sitting in the room, holding her hand as she gave birth to their child. Instead, he was in the waiting room, Sebastian on his lap, Noah playing on Liv’s iPad beside them while Liv was in the hospital room with their surrogate, waiting for their son to be born. Sebastian was holding tight to Davey as always, and Rafael wondered what he would do when he managed to wear his teddy bear out. He took it with him absolutely everywhere. He took it in the bathroom, out of the house, everywhere, and he would keep it in the bath if Rafael didn’t take it away from him. “Daddy, Davey is hungry,” Sebastian whined. Rafael checked his watch. It was almost dinner time. 

“What do you want to eat?” Rafael asked. “You too Noah.” Noah turned to him, putting the iPad down. 

“Can we get pizza?” Noah asked. 

“Pizza,” Sebastian said, grinning and clapping. 

“Okay, pizza it is,” Rafael said, pulling out his phone. He was about to dial the number when Liv poked her head out into the waiting room. 

“Hey boys,” she said with a smile. “Who wants to meet their new brother?” Noah smiled, and Sebastian looked up at Rafael. 

“ketchup?” he asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“Sebastian, we’re not naming him ketchup,” he said. Sebastian crossed his arms and pouted. 

“But Davey likes ketchup too,” he whispered. Rafael scooped him up, starting to follow Liv back to the room so he could finally meet his new son. 

…………………

Carisi sat with him until there was another knock on the door. Rafael kept his gaze on the floor. He just didn’t have the energy anymore. He heard Sonny stand up though, and he heard him leave the room. “Rafa?” Liv’s voice was soft, broken, and it made Rafael’s throat burn once more. He finally looked up, seeing her standing just inside the room. She turned on a soft lamp, and he could see the redness around her eyes. 

“Hey,” he whispered. “Are you--Jesus Liv. I don’t even know what to…” He trailed off, dissolving into sobs, and Liv sat beside him, pulling him close. “I got home, and I saw Davey sitting on the washer. He spilled milk on him this morning.” 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. “What do we tell them? What do we tell Noah. I don’t know what….what the hell do we do now?” Rafael wrapped his arms around her, Davey clutched in his hand as he pulled her close. She pressed her face against his shirt, and he just hugged her as tight as he could. 

“Noah knows,” Rafael whispered. “He asked me, and I didn’t even answer. He just knew.” Liv started to shake with sobs. 

“I can’t believe he’s gone Rafael. Our baby,” she sobbed, and he rubbed her back, trying to hold his own tears in. She needed him. He needed to be strong, but he felt like a cracked piece of glass that could shatter at any given moment. He pressed his face against her neck, hot tears escaping his own eyes. 

“I want him back,” he whispered. “I want him back right now.”

“How did this happen? He was fine this morning. He’s supposed to be safe at school. It’s supposed to be safe,” Liv whispered. Rafael shook his head. 

“I feel like I’m going to be sick,” Rafael whispered. “I constantly feel like I’m going to be sick. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” They sat in silence, just holding onto each other, Liv leaning against his chest, and he rested his chin on the top of her head. He wasn’t sure how he was still crying, how there were any tears left to cry, but they just kept coming. “I yelled at him,” he whispered, his voice breaking completely. “He took my papers again, and I yelled at him. He’s only five, of course he took my fucking papers, and then I yelled at him, and I made him cry. Now he’s dead, and the last thing I did was yell at him.” 

“Oh Rafa, no,” Liv whispered. “Sweetheart, no.” 

“I’m no better than my own bastard father. I made poor Sebastian cry before he went to school. Who the hell am I?” he whispered. “I hate myself.” 

“Rafa, stop that. You reacted. You’ve told him at least a hundred times not to touch your briefcase, and he knew better. He did it anyways, and you reacted. I know you wish you didn’t, and I know you didn’t mean to, but you can’t change that. He stopped crying after five minutes. You’re human,” Liv whispered. “You get to be human.” 

“No I don’t,” Rafael whispered. “He was five. He didn’t deserve that. I promised myself I would never yell at them.” Liv just held him, and he cried into her shirt, letting her pull him close, letting her stroke her shaking fingers through his hair. He needed her. It wasn’t fair of him to ask her to hold him up, but he didn’t know what else to do. He was breaking. They were both breaking, so they sat on the floor, together, two shattered individuals. 

……………….

Seeing the little bundle in Liv’s arms, Rafael felt that feeling, one that he only felt twice before wash over him. That was his baby. Liv was grinning, holding him close, kissing his little face, and Noah was smiling, sitting in the chair. “You want to hold him Noah?” Rafael asked, and Noah nodded with a smile on his face. Liv carefully helped Noah to hold the baby, supporting his head correctly. 

“Seb, come here,” Noah said, so Rafael set him down. He ran over, climbing up on the chair beside Noah. “See him? You’ve gotta be really gentle.” Sebastian nodded, and Noah shifted him over a little bit so Sebastian could help. Rafael couldn’t resist pulling out his phone and snapping a picture of his boys, of all three of them together for the first time. “What are you guys going to name him?” Noah asked. Liv looked to Rafael who nodded. 

“His name is--” 

“ketchup,” Sebastian interrupted, looking hopeful. 

“No Sebastian,” Rafael said, struggling to hold in his laugh. 

“His name is Leo,” Liv said, and Noah smiled. 

“I like that. Leo, hey Leo,” he whispered. 

“Leo, this is Davey,” Sebastian said, putting the teddy bear beside Leo, and Rafael’s heart melted. Sebastian never would let go of Davey. Rafael literally had to pry the teddy bear from his hands when he wanted to get him in the bath. “Can I hold Leo?” Sebastian asked. 

“You are holding him sweet boy,” Liv said, squatting down beside their son. 

“No, just me,” Sebastian said. Liv opened her mouth, shooting Rafael a look. Sebastian was nowhere near gentle enough to be holding the baby all on his own. 

“Here, how about I make you deal?” Rafael said, coming closer. “If you sit on my lap, you can hold Leo by yourself.” Sebastian eyed him carefully for a couple minutes, but he finally nodded. Rafael took a seat while Liv held the baby so Sebastian could scramble over into his lap. “Can I hold onto Davey?” Rafael asked. “I’ll take good care of him buddy.” Sebastian reluctantly handed the bear over to his father who smiled. Liv put the baby in Sebastian’s arms, and Rafael helped him to keep his arm under Leo’s head. Liv took a picture, and Rafael smiled before pressing his lips to the top of Sebastian’s head. 

“I think I like him,” Sebastian said, and Rafael smiled. Everytime he thought things couldn’t get better, they improved somehow. Leo was just another amazing addition to their little family.

…………………

Rafael just wanted to fall asleep on the floor of his son’s room. He was making significant headway on that, his head on Liv’s stomach as they both laid there. He didn’t have any tears left. He felt numb, and Liv was stroking her hand through his hair. They were both a mess. He didn’t know what to say to her because he didn’t even know what he wanted to hear. He had absolutely no idea how to make her feel better. He closed his eyes, still holding tight to Davey as he finally blissfully started to drift off. He hoped sleep would bring some sort of respite from the intense pain that was ravaging him. “Liv,” he whispered, reaching for her hand. “I love you.” He felt like it needed to be said. 

“I love you too Rafa,” she said. A knock on the door interrupted their moment. 

“Hey, Liv.” Fin’s voice was soft. “Rafael, you guys should get in bed. Don’t sleep here on the floor. His room isn’t going anywhere. No one will touch it.” 

“No,” Rafael said. “I want to stay here.” 

“Rafael,” Liv whispered. 

“You guys need to take care of yourselves,” Fin said. “Let us help you. Come on.” Rafael let Carisi help him up to his feet, and he walked shakily towards the bedroom. Sonny ushered him into the ensuite bathroom and brought him some pajamas while he brushed his teeth. He barely recognized himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and bloodshot, worry lines etched into his skin. There were dark bags under his eyes, and he looked broken. He brushed his teeth, trying not to start crying again, and then he dressed himself in the pajama pants and tee shirt Sonny grabbed for him. He collapsed into bed, sliding under the covers, hugging Davey to his chest as he shut his eyes. He didn’t even make it until Liv got in bed as well. Rafael just passed out. 

………………….

Rafael wasn’t entirely sure what had woken him up, but it was still dark out. He rolled over, letting go of Liv so he could check the time. It was three in the morning. He was thirsty, so he climbed out from under the covers, heading out to the kitchen to get a drink. When he turned on the lights, he stopped dead in his tracks. There were little red handprints all over the wall, and Sebastian was smiling at him as he pressed another one over the white. “Sebastian,” Rafael said, fighting to keep his voice calm. “What are you doing?” 

“Painting,” Sebastian said with a smile. “I made it red, see?” 

“I do see,” Rafael said, running a hand through his hair. He walked over. “We are going to have a talk about this, tomorrow with Mommy. We don’t paint the walls. Right now, you’re getting a bath.” 

“No Daddy,” Sebastian said, scrambling to get away, but Rafael grabbed him. That didn’t stop the three year old from shoving a painted hand into Rafael’s face, covering his cheek with red. A well placed hand to the eye and Sebastian managed to escape his grip and race down the hallway. Rafael had to wipe his face off, thankful that he had closed his eye before he got a handful of paint to the face. He found Sebastian in his bedroom, giggling like it was funny, and he leveled him with a stern look. 

“Sebastian, you have until the count of three to come over here,” Rafael said. Sebastian just smiled at him again. “One,” he said, but Sebastian turned around, pressing his hands against the wall again. “Two.” He started to realize that Rafael was angry with him, and he turned around, taking a step towards his father. “Three.” Rafael cut him a break, grabbing the back of his shirt, and steering him towards the bathroom. He honestly didn’t care at this point as long as he could get Sebastian in the bathtub. He started the water, making sure it was warm while he stripped off Sebastian’s paint colored pajamas. He had paint in his hair and all down his arms, and Rafael had no idea how he had gotten ahold of it. He was getting ready to paint Sebastian’s bedroom, so there was red paint high up in a cabinet. He wasn’t sure how a three and a half foot tall three year old could pull down a gallon of paint from a high cabinet. “Where in the world did you get that paint?” he asked. 

“Finger paint,” Sebastian said, and Rafael breathed a sigh of relief. Hopefully it would come off easily then. He gently scrubbed Sebastian’s arms, trying not to irritate his skin too much as he worked the paint off. It took him a good hour to scrub him clean and wrap him up in a towel while he found new pajamas. Finally he had Sebastian back in bed, and he needed to go clean up the walls. Thankfully, it came off with some warm water and a little bit of scrubbing. It was five before he was back in bed. He crawled under the covers, and Olivia turned over, her arms wrapping around his midsection. 

“Where did you go?” she asked softly. 

“Mmm, Sebastian decided to paint the walls with his finger paint,” he said. “He needed a bath, and then I cleaned up.” Liv laughed softly, pressing a kiss to the back of his head. 

“That little boy,” she sighed fondly. 

“He sure is a handful. You think Leo will be that spirited?” he asked. 

“Well, he is your son,” Liv teased. 

“Hey, I may be mouthy, but I never painted the walls. My dad would’ve….” he trailed off. Liv rubbed a soothing circle across his stomach. “Maybe I would’ve painted the walls if I didn’t know what would happen.” 

“We can talk to him tomorrow,” Liv said. “Get some sleep while you still can.” 

“You know, someday we’re gonna miss him painting our walls,” Rafael whispered. 

“Just enjoy it while you can,” Liv replied. Rafael sighed, shutting his eyes. 

…………………..

When Rafael woke up, there were exactly five minutes where he didn’t remember. He was waiting for the door to open, for Sebastian to run inside and jump on the bed to wake him up, but it never happened. It would never happen again. He shut his eyes and hugged Davey, trying not to wake Liv up as he started to cry again. He felt like there was a gaping hole inside of him that could never be filled again, and it hurt like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was a burning pain, crippling pain, and tears started coursing down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, and he just shook his head. He didn’t want to wake her up or bring her down. “Rafa.” Liv was crying too now. She wrapped her arms around him, but he couldn’t move. He just wanted to lay there and never get up. 

“I’m sorry Liv,” he whispered. 

“Shh,” she said. “Don’t be sorry.” 

“I just want him to come in here and jump on our bed. I need him to--I need him back Liv,” he whispered. “I can’t breathe without him.” Liv didn’t say anything. They both laid there, both crying, not moving. They stayed like that until there was a soft knock on the door. 

“Dad? Mom?” It was Noah’s voice. Rafael tried to calm down so he could talk to his son, but he couldn’t stop crying. Noah opened the door, but thankfully Sonny intervened. 

“Hey buddy, Aunt Amanda is making pancakes. Why don’t you go out there for a little bit? Your parents will be out soon,” Sonny said. When Noah finally left, Sonny leaned inside of the door. “Hey, you should get up, get something to eat. I know this is tough, but there are a lot of things that you need to get done.” 

“Not until Sebastian comes in here and jumps on this damn bed,” Rafael whispered. “He cannot be gone. I don’t want to live in that world.” 

“Liv, how about you, do you want something to eat? I’ll stay with him,” Sonny said. 

“Rafa, I don’t want to leave you alone,” she whispered. “Do you want me to stay here?” 

“No,” Rafael said. “You go get food. Go be with Noah.” Liv rubbed his back for a second before she left the room, and Rafael laid there. Sonny took a seat on the edge of the bed. 

“Rafael, what do I need to do to get you out of this bed?” Sonny asked. 

“You can’t do anything Sonny. I just want to stay here,” Rafael whispered.

“I guess I’ll just stay here with you then,” Sonny said. 

…………………

Rafael was bouncing the baby desperately. Leo would not stop crying. It was everyday for hours and hours no matter what they did. He just cried and cried and cried, so Rafael and Liv took turns rocking him and walking him and bouncing him. It made taking care of Noah and Sebastian challenging. Sebastian was always a handful no matter what they were doing, and if Noah was in a bad mood, he could cause issues as well. “Leo, sweetheart, please stop crying,” Rafael whispered. “Please baby.” 

“Rafa? Is it getting any better?” Liv asked, poking her head in the door. 

“No,” he said. “He’s just sobbing.” 

“Here, let me take him for a bit. Noah and Sebastian are eating dinner. I promised them a movie,” Liv told him. Rafael nodded, handing Leo off to her. He headed out to the kitchen where Noah and Sebastian were sitting at the table eating mac and cheese. 

“Why is ketchup crying so much?” Sebastian asked, and Rafael had to shut his eyes for a second. 

“Your brother’s name is not ketchup Sebastian, we’ve been over this,” Rafael said. 

“Can he go back to the hospital? He’s loud,” Sebastian whispered, making a pouty face. 

“Buddy, he’s not going back,” Rafael replied, rubbing a tired hand over his face. 

“I don’t like him,” Sebastian whispered. 

“You were loud too,” Noah grumbled, standing up to get some water, and Rafael laughed. 

“Yeah Seb, you were really loud. I was up all night with you. A lot,” Rafael said. Sebastian made a face, and Rafael laughed again. Rafael pulled Sebastian into his lap, kissing his son’s forehead. “Leo will get better, I promise. When he gets a little bigger, he won’t take up so much of Mommy and Daddy’s time. I know this is hard, but we still love you, okay?” 

“Okay,” Sebastian whispered. “I love you too Daddy, and so does Davey.” 

“Mm, I love Davey the most,” Rafael said with a smile, and Sebastian laughed. Rafael thought that might be his favorite sound in the whole world. 

……………….

Rafael felt so sick. He felt nausea bubbling up inside of him, and it was only a few moments before he had to lean over the side of the bed, grabbing for the trashcan that was thankfully close by. He coughed and retched for a couple minutes before pressing his face against the cool comforter. “Drink some water,” Sonny said, hovering behind him, but Rafael just shook his head. “Rafael, you have to drink some water.” He finally gave in after a couple of minutes, taking the water bottle Sonny handed him. He sipped at the cool water, and it didn’t really make him feel better, but he did it anyways. 

“This is a dream, right? A really bad dream,” he whispered. “This can’t be real.” 

“I-I’m so sorry Rafael,” Sonny said. “If there’s anything I could possibly do that would help you or Liv get through this, just say the word, and I’ll do it.” 

“How am I supposed to get up in the morning knowing that my son died? How am I supposed to bury him?” he whispered. 

“I know it feels impossible, but if you just take it one step at a time, one day at a time, you can get through this,” Sonny said. “Eventually, you will learn to live with this pain even if it doesn’t really go away.” Rafael just shook his head, closing his eyes and trying to stop feeling so dizzy. 

“I feel like I can’t breathe right now,” Rafael whispered. 

“Slow and easy, just count. It’ll be alright,” Sonny said. “This will pass.” He tried to calm himself down and breathe through the sudden panic he was feeling. Finally, he at least felt calmer and mostly just miserable. “I think you would feel better if you got up and maybe took a shower or got something to eat. Liv might appreciate it if she saw you up. I know she’s worried about you just like I’m sure you worry about her. Noah would like to see you.” Rafael felt so guilty, just laying in bed, but he didn’t feel like he could get up either. He didn’t want to go out and look at his broken family. He didn’t want to see Liv falling apart. “Come on Rafael,” Sonny said. He sighed, but he finally nodded, sitting up and letting Sonny help him up to his feet. He got into the shower first, leaving Davey with Sonny to hold onto. He let the warm water wash over him, mingling with his tears. He washed his hair and leaned his head back. When he got out, he put on some sweatpants and brushed his teeth. He combed some gel into his hair, trying to look presentable even though he didn’t really think it would matter. It was half-hearted, but he wanted to show Liv that he was trying. He wanted her to know he wasn’t just giving up. He was holding on, and maybe his grip was slipping, but he was trying. He found a clean tee shirt, pulling it over his head before he ventured out of the room. He walked down the hallway slowly, Sonny beside him, and he stopped outside the living room, watching. Liv was on the couch, Noah in her arms. Leo was playing blocks and watching cartoons on the floor, but he wasn’t smiling. Rafael was sure he could feel the tension in the house. 

“Hey Rafael.” Amanda surprised him, and he jumped. 

“Hi,” he said softly. 

“Let me get you some pancakes,” she said. “Why don’t you sit down.” He nodded numbly, walking shakily into the living room. He looked over to Olivia, smiling softly at her. Noah’s eyes were closed. 

“He’s not doing well,” Liv whispered. “He cried himself to sleep.” 

“I should have come out here with you,” Rafael said. “I’m really sorry Liv.” 

“Don’t apologize,” she whispered. She looked exhausted, her eyes watery, and her voice was shaking as she spoke. Rafael felt a little hand on his leg, and he looked down to see Leo balancing himself by grabbing onto Rafael’s leg. 

“Hey little man,” he whispered, reaching down to tousle his son’s hair. 

“Daddy,” Leo said, reaching for him, so Rafael picked him up. Leo spotted Davey where Rafael had set him down just a few feet away, and he pointed at the teddy bear. “Seb?” he asked. Rafael swallowed, rubbing Leo’s back. 

“Leo,” he said softly. “Buddy, Sebastian isn’t coming home.” 

“Why?” Leo asked, looking at Rafael with big brown eyes. 

“Sebastian got hurt, and his body stopped--” Rafael had to pause because he was choking up. “His body stopped working. He died, and Mommy and Daddy and Noah are very sad, but he’s not hurt anymore, and it’s going to be okay. “ Leo mostly just stared at him like he didn’t understand, and Rafael didn’t know how to explain it better. Leo was only two, and there was no way he could comprehend what happened. 

“Hug?” he asked, and Rafael smiled, letting Leo hug him. He could feel his parents’ pain, and the hug did help a little bit. 

“Thank you Leo. Hugs are good,” he said. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Daddy,” he said, wrapping his chubby arms around Rafael’s neck again. He shut his eyes, trying not to lose it as he rubbed Leo’s back. 

……………………………..

“Ketchuuuuppp!” Sebastian yelled. He was running around with Leo, smiling and laughing. Leo was trying to keep up with his older brother, but his legs were so much shorter. He was struggling desperately to mach Sebastian’s strides. 

“Sebastian slow down,” Rafael said when he came into the living room. “Be careful with your brother.” Right as he was saying that, Leo tripped on his own feet and fell down, hitting his head on the ground. He started sobbing, and when he lifted his head, there was blood coming from somewhere, his nose or his lips. He honestly couldn’t tell. Rafael grabbed for Leo, picking him up gently and comforting him. 

“Daddy,” Sebastian said, but Rafael was too focused on Leo. 

“Not right now Sebastian,” he said, trying to assess how bad it was. Leo was sobbing, snot running from his nose, blood all over his chin and lips, and he grabbed for a tissue, trying to mop some of it up. “Leo, oh buddy, try to hold still for me,” Rafael said. “Liv! Can you come give me a hand?” He pinched the tissue around Leo’s nose, tilting his head forward. 

“Daddy,” Sebastian said again, and Rafael turned, but then Liv was there, kneeling down beside him. 

“Oh, sweetheart, what happened?” she asked. 

“I don’t know where all this blood is coming from,” Rafael said. “It’s everywhere.” 

“Oh Leo, it’s alright sweet boy,” Liv whispered. They both fretted over him, and Rafael sighed in relief when they got the bleeding to stop. “Here,” Liv said, picking Leo up. “Let’s go get you some ice cream you poor thing.” Rafael looked around for Sebastian, but he was gone. He stood up, going back towards his bedroom, and when he knocked on the door, there was no answer. He opened it a little bit, and when he went in, Sebastian was sitting on the ground, back against the wall, holding Davey. There were tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Sebastian,” he said softly, coming inside. “Do you you want some ice cream? Mommy is getting some for Leo.” He shook his head. 

“I’m sorry I hurt Leo, I didn’t mean to,” He whispered. 

“I’m not mad buddy, Leo tripped. It’s okay,” Rafael said, coming to sit beside his son. “You should try and be more careful, he’s a lot smaller than you, but I’m not mad. It’s okay.” Sebastian let Rafael pull him into his lap and wipe away his tears. Rafael kissed his temple, holding him close and shushing him. 

“Is ketchup okay?” He asked. “There was a lot of red. I don’t like that red.” 

“Yeah Seb, he’s fine. Sometimes when you hit your head, there’s a lot of blood. That’s what the red was. Come on, let’s get some ice cream,” Rafael said, standing up and heading towards the kitchen. 

………………….

Rafael was picking at the pancakes Amanda brought him, his hand resting on Liv’s ankle that was thrown over his leg. Noah was still fast asleep beside her. “Liv,” he whispered, feeling like he was going to start crying again. “We need to—we need to call my mom.” 

“I took care of that,” Sonny said, coming in the room. “She was going to drop by later today. You guys need to look at…” Sonny trailed off. 

“Just say it,” Rafael whispered.

“You need to take a look at some details for the funeral,” Sonny said, and Rafael had to turn away. The rush of emotions was too much for him. He stood up, feeling like he couldn’t breathe, and he rushed out of the room and to the door. He just needed some air. He grabbed a jacket and his shoes before heading down the stairs. Once he finally made it out into the cold December air, he started to feel better. He felt like he could breathe again. He had space to just break down. He had to put a hand out to brace himself against the brick wall, feeling like he was going to die. He was sobbing, the tears clouding his vision. He didn’t want to plan a funeral for his five year old. 

“Rafael.” Liv was the one who came after him. She pulled him towards her so she could look him in the eyes. “Hey, look at me,” she said. He turned, trying to reign in his emotions for her sake. She was crying too, and she pulled him closer. “Rafa, we can do this,” she whispered. “You and me. We will figure this out.” 

“I don’t want to figure this out Liv. I don’t want to plan his fucking funeral,” he whispered. 

“I know, I don’t want to either,” she whispered, pressing her face against his shoulder. He shut his eyes, trying to focus on Liv. She always seemed to make him feel better. She was a light when things were dark, but now it felt like they were both trapped in pitch black with no hope of escaping. “I don’t want to let him go.” Rafael just shook his head, crumbling under the weight of the tragedy. Snow was flurrying through the air, the flakes catching in their hair. He could feel Liv shivering in his arms. It was freezing out, but neither of them cared. 

……………………

Rafael was standing with his arms outstretched while his tailor measured him for a new suit. Sebastian was on the ground, playing happily on Rafael’s phone, and he hoped that would keep him occupied until they were finished. The tailor had the tape measure around Rafael’s chest when Sebastian stood up, starting to wander around. “Sebastian,” Rafael called. “What are you doing buddy?” 

“Just looking,” Sebastian said. 

“No touching,” Rafael said, hoping Sebastian would stay out of trouble. It had taken him ages to find a perfect tailor who didn’t charge a fortune. 

“I know,” Sebastian said, waving dismissively at him, and Rafael laughed. The man was measuring his arms when Sebastian came over, and smiled up at him with big, green, pleading eyes. “Can I have one?” 

“Can you have what?” Rafael asked. 

“One of those,” he said, pointing at an expensive suit. Rafael snorted. 

“When are you going to wear a suit?” Rafael asked. 

“I don’t know,” Sebastian said. “To dance.” Rafael couldn’t stop smiling. Sebastian always managed to make him laugh. 

“I don’t think so little man. Maybe when you’re a bit older,” Rafael said. Sebastian made a pouty face at him, and he knocked down some spare thread. “Hey,” Rafael said sternly. “Absolutely not. Sit down.” Sebastian glared at him before he went back to sit down where he was before. Rafael just shook his head. 

“I could measure him. Maybe that would cheer him up,” the tailor said, and Rafael thought about it. He didn’t want to encourage Sebastian’s bad behavior, but it would also make him happier. 

“Okay, yeah, let me ask him once we finish up here,” Rafael said. He finished measuring, writing a few numbers down. 

“We’ll get your suit fitted next week. I’ve got all the numbers,” the man said. Rafael went and knelt down beside Sebastian. 

“Look at me mister,” Rafael said. Sebastian looked up at him, his brows furrowed in anger. “You do not throw fits like this. Will you promise me you’ll stop?” Sebastian let out a loud sigh before he nodded. “Alright, do you want to be measured like Daddy? Someday, maybe I’ll get you a suit like that. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sebastian said, his face lighting up. He hurried up to stand where his father had just been, and Rafael sat down, smiling at how happy he looked. 

………………

Everything felt so overwhelming as he took a seat on the couch again. Sonny had a computer open and papers for him. Liv took a seat beside him, and she reached for his hand. “You guys just tell me what you want, and I’ll take care of it, but you have to make some decisions,” Sonny said. Rafael had to swallow back tears immediately. “Just tell me when you’re ready.” Rafael took a few deep breaths, squeezing Olivia’s hand. When he looked to her, she had tears in her eyes, but she nodded at him. 

“Okay,” Rafael finally whispered. 

“Okay, you’re going to have to decide what you want to do with Sebastian’s body,” Sonny said softly. “You could cremate him or bury him.” Rafael let out a little noise, tears filling his eyes. 

“Oh my God,” he whispered. He looked at Liv, and his mouth fell open. “Oh my God.” He thought about it for a couple minutes, trying to figure out what he thought Sebastian would want. “I think we should bury him,” Rafael whispered finally, wiping at a few stray tears. 

“I want to see him one more time,” Liv whispered, and Rafael nodded in agreement. 

“Then you’ll need a coffin,” Sonny said. “I can pick something for you, or you can look at them.” 

“Just get him something nice,” Rafael whispered. He was not going to pick out the box his child was going to be buried in. 

“Do you want to pick out clothes for him? The funeral home will take care of everything if you pick what you want and pay for their packages,” Sonny explained. Rafael shut his eyes for a second before looking to Liv. 

“Let’s get him something nice Rafa,” she whispered, and he nodded. 

“He wanted a suit,” he whispered, starting to break down. Liv pulled him close, pulling his face against her shirt. “He wanted a suit, and I didn’t get it for him.” 

“Rafa,” she whispered, pressing her lips against the top of his head. 

“He wanted it, and I didn’t give it to him, and now he’s dead. I yelled at him, and I never said goodbye. What kind of father am I?” he whispered. “Why didn’t I get him a suit or a puppy or anything he wanted?”

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. “Don’t do that to yourself. You can’t do that to yourself.” 

“Why not? I didn’t….I didn’t get him what he wanted, and I didn’t protect him,” he whispered. “I-I couldn’t protect him.” Liv just held him as he started crying. 

“I had a bad feeling yesterday. We should have just--” 

“Stop it,” Sonny said, cutting in. “You guys cannot blame yourselves for this. A sick, deranged person shot your son while he was at school. There was no way you could possibly see that coming. There was nothing you could do to stop it or change it. It’s hard to accept, but there was nothing you could do to help him.” 

“I want to get him a suit. A really expensive red one,” Rafael whispered, and Liv’s tears started falling faster as she nodded. Sonny helped them pick out the funeral package, and he asked Sonny to call Father Mike for him. “I want everyone to wear red at the funeral. He would want that. He wouldn’t want everyone crying in black. He’d want us to laugh and smile, and he would want everyone to wear red because it was his favorite.” 

“Do you guys want a eulogy?” He asked. Rafael had to take a moment. The grief and emotions were getting to be overwhelming. 

“I’ll write one,” he whispered. 

“Are you sure? Someone else could do it,” Sonny said. 

“No, I want to write one for him,” Rafael whispered. Liv rubbed a hand over his back. 

“Would you like to have it catered or have people bring food?” Sonny asked. Rafael had no idea. Some of the trivial details felt meaningless to him. Who cared what they ate. His son was dead. He knew he shouldn’t think about things so drastically, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

“His favorite was grilled cheese,” Liv whispered, her voice wavering, and Rafael found himself letting out a tearful little laugh. 

“Yeah, he loved grilled cheese,” Rafael said, hanging his head. 

“You want to have grilled cheese at the reception?” Sonny asked. 

“He’d love that,” Liv whispered, and Rafael nodded. 

“I think that will do it. If I have anymore questions or if you think of something, we can talk again,” Sonny said. “I think it’ll be nice.” Rafael just looked away. He felt like he was going to throw up. The festivity of the living room did nothing to improve his mood. The twinkling of the Christmas lights that Sebastian and Noah helped him to hang did nothing to cheer him up. They were supposed to go get a tree over the weekend, but Rafael wasn’t sure he felt up to it anymore. They needed to hang stockings, and there were stacks of presents that he and Liv still needed to wrap. He wasn’t sure how they were supposed to have Christmas without Sebastian, but he also didn’t want to upset Leo and Noah any further. He was at a loss. 

………………………….

Rafael’s eyes flew open when he felt the bed shake. He was cuddled up underneath the comforter with Liv fast asleep beside him, but now they were both half awake. “Hi Daddy.” Sebastian’s voice was an attempt a whisper, but it was loud enough to make Rafael cringe. 

“Sebastian, what--” Rafael turned over to look at the time. It was two in the morning. “What are you doing awake buddy? It’s so early,” Rafael said. 

“It’s Chriiiistmaaas Daddy,” Sebastian said, crawling on top of Rafael so he could look down at his face. Rafael winced and grunted as Sebastian kneed him in the stomach and put all his weight on top of his body. 

“It’s two in the morning. We are not opening presents yet,” Rafael said. 

“Buuuut--” Sebastian started whining, but Rafael interrupted. 

“Lay down, close your eyes, or you don’t get to open presents later,” he whispered. Sebastian huffed, and Liv laughed from beside him. Sebastian flopped down between them, holding Davey tight, and Rafael wrapped his arms around Sebastian. He was squirming around at first, but then he started to calm down and relax. Rafael kissed the top of Sebastian’s head. “I promise you will get to open your presents when it’s morning, okay?” 

“Okay,” Sebastian whispered, and Rafael smiled. 

When he woke up next, Sebastian was staring at him, and Rafael flinched. Sebastian’s face was so close to his own. “Presents now?” he asked. 

“Sebastian,” he groaned. 

“Up, up, up. Christmas!” Sebastian said, clapping his hands. Rafael was awake now, and he sighed. He sat up, grabbing for Sebastian. It was only five, but he didn’t want to wake Liv up. She deserved to sleep in. He carried Sebastian out to the couch, and Noah was in the hallway, peeking out to see if he was allowed up yet. Rafael laughed. 

“You can come out here buddy. We can’t open anything until Mommy gets up though,” Rafael said. Sebastian scrunched up his little nose, making a face that made Rafael laugh. “Are you two hungry?” he asked. Noah nodded, but Sebastian was still pouting. “Let’s get something to eat.” Rafael made them some breakfast, and Liv appeared after a little while when they were still at the table. 

“Mommy!” Sebastian yelled. “Presents!” He stood up, running towards the living room, and Rafael stood up, but Liv shook her head. 

“It’s fine. He’s been waiting since two am,” she said with a laugh. 

“Go on in there, I’ll get you some coffee and breakfast,” Rafael said, kissing her temple and then her lips. When he made it into the living room, Sebastian was barely containing himself. He launched himself off the couch, sitting on the floor and ready to open his presents. Rafael handed Liv’s food to her. “Okay boys,” Rafael said, pushing piles of presents in front of each of them. Sebastian grabbed for one, excitedly unwrapping it. Rafael sat back on the couch, smiling as he watched Sebastian rip the paper off. Noah was a little more reserved about it, but he was still grinning excitedly. 

“We probably got them too many presents,” Liv whispered with a laugh as Sebastian started wandering around with an oversized fireman hat on his head. 

“We only get 18 of these before they’re adults,” he whispered. She squeezed his hand. “Besides, look how happy they are.” Sebastian was smiling. 

“Daddy, Mommy, I’m gonna put out the fire,” he exclaimed, running around. 

“Sebastian,” Rafael said with a laugh. “Slow down, you’re going to get hurt, hey.” He chased after Sebastian who was sprinting through the house, his eyes half covered by the fireman hat. The look on his face made every cent worth it. Rafael wasn’t sure Christmas had ever been so fun. 

………………

Rafael was sitting in the living room, his legs drawn up on the couch as he tried not to cry. Fin had ushered Liv off to get a shower. He was grateful for the squad. They were helping so much, making it easier for Rafael and Liv to grieve. He had no idea what the hell he would do without them. “Daddy.” Noah’s voice was soft and scared. He was standing at the edge of the hallway. 

“What’s up Noah?” he asked. Noah didn’t say anything else, but Rafael could see the tears running down Noah’s cheeks. “Come here buddy. I’m right here.” Noah came over, climbing up on the couch, and Rafael pulled him into a hug, pressing his lips to the top of Noah’s head. “It’s okay now.” 

“Dad, I’m scared,” Noah whispered, and Rafael clutched his son to him, tears rolling down his own cheeks. 

“You’re safe now. I won’t let anything happen to you. I will protect you,” Rafael said. “I will. Nothing bad is going to happen now.” Noah was shaking in his arms, his body trembling, and Rafael rubbed his back. “It’s all over. Mommy and I are here, and we won’t let anything else happen.” 

“Daddy,” Noah whimpered, and Rafael felt like his heart had been shattered into a million pieces. Noah was petrified, traumatized, and he didn’t know how to help. Noah cried himself out, and Rafael held him tight until he finally calmed down. 

“Do you want some water buddy?” he asked softly. 

“My tummy hurts,” Noah whispered, and Rafael had to breathe. He knelt down in front of Noah. 

“Let’s try some water, and maybe a little bit of food. If you need anything, I want you to come find me or Mommy right away, no matter what’s going on or what we’re doing. It’s going to be okay,” Rafael said softly. He didn’t feel like anything was going to be okay ever again. 

“Okay,” Noah whispered, wiping at his eyes. Rafael walked him over to the bar, sitting him up on one of the seats. He got him a little glass of water and some fruit. Rafael took a seat beside him rubbing his back as he sipped at the water. 

“Do you want to talk about any of it?” Rafael asked. Noah eyed him unsurely. “I know Mommy and I have been crying alot about Sebastian, and it’s okay if you want to cry or talk about him. Whatever it is Noah, it’s okay.” 

“The man had a really big gun,” Noah whispered. “I heard loud pops, and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. Why did he do that? Why did he hurt Sebastian?” 

“Oh Noah,” Rafael whispered. “I don’t know why he did that. He must have been sick, mentally ill, and he probably….” Rafael trailed off. “He probably didn’t know what he was doing Noah.” Rafael felt sick. Rationalizing what happened felt so wrong, but it was probably true in some way. “The important thing right now is you are safe. It’s all over, and Mommy and I are going to make sure you don’t get hurt. That’s our job, right? It’s our job to protect you.” 

“But…” Noah trailed off, and Rafael braced himself. He was pretty sure he knew what the next thing was that would come out of his son’s mouth. “But Sebastian died,” he whispered. Even though Rafael had been anticipating it, it was still like a punch to the gut. He knew it was a real question, a serious fear that Noah had, and it wasn’t intended to hurt him, but it was an already emotional subject. He was already feeling guilty about it. 

“Yeah, I know Noah,” Rafael whispered, his voice breaking. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to--” Noah started to say, but Rafael shook his head. 

“No, Noah, it’s okay, I just….I miss him. I wish I could’ve….I wish I had been able to protect Sebastian, but it’s different now. I’m going to do better,” he said. 

“Do I have to….Do I have to go back to school on Monday?” Noah asked, and Rafael shook his head. 

“No buddy. Don’t worry about school. We’ll figure it out,” Rafael said softly. Noah seemed to sigh with relief. Rafael went back to the couch, and Noah kept looking over at him, like he was making sure Rafael was still there. After a couple of minutes, Noah came back to the couch, sitting beside him and leaning against Rafael who wrapped his arms around the little boy. Noah’s hand was shaking where it was resting on Rafael’s stomach, and he tightened his hold. “How about you pick something on tv to watch,” Rafael said. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Are we still going to celebrate Christmas?” Noah asked. 

“Of course,” Rafael whispered, trying to be strong. “I got you so many presents. I’m not just gonna take them back. I thought maybe we could pick out the tree soon, and we can decorate.” Rafael was fighting desperately to keep his voice even. What he said made Noah smile at least, so Rafael told himself he was worth it. He just needed to keep himself together until he could get some time alone. He needed to find a way to be there for Noah. 

……………………..

Rafael was just getting out of the shower when he heard screaming from somewhere in the house. He threw his head back, sighing. It had already been a challenging day, and he had finally found fifteen minutes to get a hot shower and clear his head. He dried off, pulling on some pants before he went to see what the problem was. Liv was kneeling down beside Sebastian who was sobbing, and Rafael came over. The sheer amount of blood alarmed him. “Hey, what happened he asked?” 

“I don’t know. Noah….Noah pushed him. I’m not sure why. This looks bad though,” Liv said, pressing the cloth she had against Sebastian’s head. “I think he’s going to need stitches. We need to get him to the hospital.” Rafael stood up. 

“Let me get a shirt, I’ll carry him out to the car then. Where is Noah?” he asked. 

“I think he went to his room. I don’t know,” Liv said. 

“I’ll be right back.” Rafael headed back to the bedroom, grabbing a tee shirt before he poked his head in Noah’s room. He was sitting on his bed, pouting. “Noah, I don’t know what happened, but we’re going to talk about this later. Get up, put on some shoes and a jacket. We’re taking Sebastian to the hospital.” 

“No,” Noah whispered. 

“Excuse me,” Rafael said. “I must’ve heard you wrong. You did not just tell me no.” 

“I’m not going,” Noah said. 

“Noah Benson-Barba, get up now,” Rafael said. “Last chance or there are going to be consequences.” Noah glared at him, but finally got up. “Shoes and coat now. You better go get in the car.” Rafael put on shoes and got a coat for himself, and one for Sebastian. He picked him up carefully, wrapping the coat around Sebastian who was still crying. “Shh Buddy, it’s going to be okay. Daddy has you.” He walked down to the car and climbed into the front seat, holding Sebastian. Noah appeared a few minutes later, buckling himself into the back, and then Liv got in the driver’s seat. She started toward the hospital while Rafael tried to calm Sebastian down. He finally stopped crying, but he was getting fussy about the towel Rafael had pressed against his head. “Seb, sweetheart, you’ve got to stay still. I know it hurts. It’s going to be okay.” 

“Daddy,” Sebastian whispered, his voice distorted by tears. His face was red, snot sticking to his skin, and Rafael smoothed his hand over Sebastian’s hair. 

“We’re almost there buddy, shhh,” Rafael whispered. Liv finally pulled into the hospital, and he picked him up, holding him close. Sebastian sobbed as they went inside, but Rafael was thankful to be there at least. He held Sebastian while they waited, but it wasn’t long before Sebastian was being seen by a doctor. The gash on his head made Rafael feel faint, so he sat down on the bed beside his son. Sebastian was fussing, laying back against the pillow. 

“Alright Mr. Barba, this shouldn’t be a problem. We’re going to put a local anesthetic on Sebastian’s forehead, so it numbs the area, and then I’ll put in a few stitches, and he should be good to go home,” the doctor said. “Five days and we’ll take them out.” Rafael nodded, starting to feel sick. Liv was in the waiting room, talking to Noah, but he almost wished they could switch. He didn’t really want to watch this. Sebastian was being compliant at the moment, but he wasn’t sure if that would last. When the doctor came over with the anesthetic, the needle made Rafael flinch. 

“Seb, look here at Daddy,” Rafael said softly. He thankfully remembered to bring Davey, so he handed that over to Sebastian who held it tight. Rafael held his hand, trying to distract him, but he cried when they started injecting it. “Almost done,” Rafael whispered. His vision was starting to blur, the room spinning, and he felt himself wavering. He felt like he was going to be ill. 

When Rafael opened his eyes next, he was staring at the ceiling with people kneeling over him, and he felt dizzy and confused. His vision started to clear, and he saw Liv, standing a few feet away. “What--”  
“You fainted,” Liv said with a laugh. They had his legs propped up, and he just shut his eyes. 

“How’s Seb?” he asked. 

“Oh, he got a good laugh out of you falling over,” Liv said. “He’s good. They’re still stitching him up.” 

“Where’s Noah?” he asked softly. 

“Right here,” Noah said. Rafael nodded. He was starting to feel better as he laid there. It was a little bit before they had him sit up and sip at some juice. 

“Next time maybe I should be the one who goes with the child that is bleeding,” Liv said with a laugh. 

“But you’re so much scarier than me,” Rafael said, and Liv smiled at him. They finally let him stand up, and he looked over at Sebastian who looked much better now. They were just finishing up on his cut, and Rafael was grateful to be able to take him home. He was glad it wasn’t too serious. They still had a serious talk with Noah ahead of them though. 

…………………….

When Liv reappeared, Rafael was still on the couch, his arm wrapped around Noah. “Hey,” Rafael said softly. She smiled at him. 

“How are you feeling Noah?” Liv asked. Noah shrugged, laying his head down on Rafael’s chest. 

“He said his tummy hurts,” Rafael said. Liv sat down on the other side of them. 

“Noah,” she said. “I know you’re scared, but your Dad and I are here.” 

“I promised Sebastian we would play hide and seek today,” Noah whispered. “He always asks, and I say no, but I promised him I would.” Rafael tightened his hold, emotions overwhelming him. 

“I yelled at him yesterday morning,” Rafael said, hoping it would make Noah feel less guilty. “The last thing I ever did was yell at him, and he started crying.” 

“He wasn’t sad when we were on the bus,” Noah said softly, and tears flooded Rafael’s eyes. He was glad that Sebastian hadn’t been mad at him or sad because of him. “He was happy Dad,” Noah said. “I miss him.” 

“He’ll always be here,” Rafael whispered, the tears now coursing down his cheeks. “He’ll always be here as long as we remember him.” Liv was looking at him with tears in her own eyes. “Noah,” he said. “We’re going to have to have a funeral for Sebastian. It’s going to be tomorrow or the next day, and if you go, you’re going to see Sebastian one more time. That would be a good time to say goodbye.” Noah kind of just stared at him for a couple minutes. “Noah, if you really don’t want to go, I’m not going to make you.” Liv looked at him, and he realized he probably should have spoken with her about that first, but Noah was already dealing with so much. He didn’t think it was necessary to force Noah to go to Sebastian’s funeral, not if it was just going to upset him unnecessarily. 

“I want to say bye to him,” Noah whispered, and Rafael nodded. 

“Why don’t you go find Uncle Sonny, and see if he wants to get the Christmas decorations down here,” Rafael suggested, trying to cheer Noah up, but he just shook his head, clinging to Rafael as tight as he could. Rafael sighed, hand smoothing over his curls again. Liv scooted over beside them, rubbing Noah’s back. 

“Oh Noah,” Liv whispered. 

“Uh, Rafael, someone is here to see you guys,” Amanda said, poking her head in the door. Rafael didn’t feel like he was even close to presentable for company, but he didn’t have the energy to change or to try and clean up. They had an excuse at least. It was understandable why they might not be presentable. 

“Let them in,” he said. 

“Dad,” Noah whispered, tensing up. 

“Noah, it’s okay. It’s no one bad. I promise,” Rafael said softly. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but seeing the parents of one of Sebastian’s friends sent a pang of sadness throughout him. He wouldn’t ever call them again to see if their son wanted to come over for a playdate. They wouldn’t discuss carpools or babysitting so the other couple could have a date night. 

“Rafael, Liv, we’re so, so sorry. Tommy hasn’t stopped crying,” Casey, Tommy’s mother, said. Rafael had no idea how to respond. People telling him they were sorry didn’t bring his son back. He appreciated them taking the time, but he was consumed by the grief. 

“Thank you Casey, Mark, we both appreciate you coming over,” Liv said, standing up. “I’m glad to hear that Tommy is alright though.” Rafael had no idea how she was holding herself together enough to say that. 

“We brought you guys some dinner,” Mark said, holding a casserole pan, and Rafael had to stop himself from snorting. Casserole. It was so damn cliche, and he never thought he would be in this position. The position where he was given a casserole because his five year old got shot at school. 

“Thank you,” he managed to whisper, forcing the words from his mouth. 

“Hey Noah,” Casey said with a smile. Noah didn’t even respond. He just curled into Rafael more. 

“Here, why don’t you two come with me,” Liv said. “Do you want some water? Noah isn’t handling this very well.” Rafael focused on Noah as they shuffled out of the room. 

“I didn’t like that,” Noah whispered. 

“Me neither buddy. It’s going to be hard for a while,” Rafael whispered. He felt bitter and angry, and Casey and Mark didn’t deserve it, but he wanted to know why Tommy got to go home safe and sound while Sebastian was shot three times, and he would never come home again. They got to see their child every night, and his baby was gone. 

……………………….

“Noah, why did you push your brother?” Rafael asked, taking a seat on Noah’s bed. Liv was getting Sebastian a snack and then putting him to sleep for the night. Noah glared at him, crossing his arms. “Noah.” 

“Leave me alone,” Noah mumbled. 

“No, I want you to answer me. You shoved your brother, and he got hurt. You’re going to tell me why,” Rafael said. 

“No I won’t,” Noah whispered. 

“Excuse me?” Rafael said, raising an eyebrow. “You better rethink that mister.” 

“Go away. I hate you,” Noah spat, and Rafael stopped dead. He felt like he was going to be sick. Noah’s words cut him deep, and he felt tears bubbling to the surface. He tried to hold himself together. 

“Noah, that was incredibly rude,” Liv said from the door. “This isn’t like you, what is going on?” Noah rolled onto his side, refusing to look at them. “Noah, come on, talk to me,” Liv said, coming to sit beside Rafael. She reached for his hand, squeezing softly and comforting him. She knew what Noah said had hurt him. “Whatever is wrong, Dad and I are here for you.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Noah whispered. 

“Noah,” Rafael whispered, scooting closer. “It does matter. It matters a lot.” Noah stared at the wall, but Rafael could see tears starting to drip down his cheeks. He pulled Noah close, rubbing his back and holding him. Liv scooted closer, also holding onto him. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Noah whispered. 

“I know,” Rafael said. “Can you tell us what happened?” 

“There’s this boy at school, and he keeps bothering me,” Noah said. “And I was mad, and Sebastian wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t mean to hurt him.” 

“Have you talked to your teacher about this?” Rafael asked. Noah shook his head. “Do you want me to help you?” 

“No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt Sebastian,” Noah whispered, starting to clam up. Rafael sighed. 

“If you need us, you know you can ask for help right?” Rafael asked, and Noah nodded. “Okay buddy,” he said, kissing the top of Noah’s head. “I love you Noah.” 

“I love you too Dad. I’m sorry I said I hate you,” Noah whispered. He hugged and kissed Liv goodnight before they tucked him in. Rafael and Liv settled on the couch together. 

“If we can barely handle two, how the hell are we going to handle a new baby on top of it?” Rafael asked softly. 

“Oh Rafa, I don’t know,” Liv whispered, shutting her eyes. 

“Should we do something about Noah? I’m worried,” he said. 

“I think we should let him handle it. He knows we’re here,” Liv said. “Are you okay? You looked pretty upset.” 

“It really hurt me when he said that,” Rafael whispered. “I know he didn’t mean it though.” 

“Mmm, you know he loves you. Maybe not as much as me though,” Liv said with a little laugh, pulling him in for a kiss.

………………….

Noah had fallen asleep again, so Rafael carried him back to his bedroom. He tucked him in, under the blankets, brushing his hair back and kissing his forehead. When he went back out, towards the living room, he ran into Sonny who was holding onto Leo. “Daddy!” Leo said, a big smile on his face. Rafael tried to force a smile onto his own face, but all he wanted to do was cry. He took Leo from his arms, holding him close and forking his fingers through Leo’s hair. Leo wrapped his chubby arms around Rafael’s neck. “Daddy, I wanna play.” 

“You do?” Rafael asked, tears starting to run down his cheeks. All he seemed to be able to do anymore was cry. “Let’s go play then.” He carried Leo out to the living room, settling on the floor with him. 

“Rafa,” Liv said from the kitchen. “You look tired. I can play with Leo. Maybe you should lay down.” Rafael shook his head. 

“I want to be with my son,” he whispered. 

“Okay baby,” Liv said, kneeling down beside him. Leo was playing with blocks, and Rafael helped him to stack them, just like he had helped Sebastian. It made him emotional. Looking at Leo was painful. He could remember exactly how Sebastian was at that age. Looking at Noah was painful too because he saw what Sebastian would never get to be. Everything was painful. Seeing Davey broke his heart, seeing Sebastian’s bedroom made him cry, looking at Olivia was almost unbearable. He saw her pain, a mirror of his own, and he also remembered what it looked like to see her hold Sebastian for the first time, he remembered the awe on her face when he took his first steps or said his first words. He remembered the tears in their eyes as they sent him off to his first day of kindergarten earlier that year. Every area in the house was full of memories, images of Sebastian. He couldn’t go into a room without one memory surfacing of his son running around or climbing or playing or smiling or crying or anything. 

“Um, guys,” Sonny said. He looked at Rafael. “Your Mom is here.” 

“Let her in,” Rafael said softly. When she came in the room, her eyes were just as red as his own. 

“Oh Liv,” she said, pulling his wife into a hug, and Rafael felt a little bitter. He focused on Leo as she fawned over Olivia. “Where’s Noah?” 

“He’s asleep,” Rafael said. “He’s not taking this very well.” 

“Do you guys have dinner?” She asked. 

“Someone brought us a casserole,” Liv said. 

“Save it, I’ll make something. You just relax Liv,” Lucia said. Rafael rubbed Leo’s back, sitting as close to him as possible. Leo did make him feel better in some ways. He knew Leo was safe, and he was determined to keep it that way. “Mijo, come here and help me,” she said. Rafael shook his head. 

“Lucia, I think he should just play with Leo for now,” Liv said. Liv knew he was breaking. She knew Leo was what was keeping him sane at the moment. His mother didn’t argue, heading to the kitchen to start something. Rafael rested his face against his knees, planting his feet flat on the floor. He felt dizzy and lost. Everything was happening so fast, too fast for him to process. He felt an arm wrap around him, and he knew it was Liv. He leaned into her, crumbling, and she held him silently. He could feel the rise and fall of her chest, the way her body shook as she surely cried with him. 

“It’s too much Liv,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Liv murmured back. “It’s all too much.” He cried for a few minutes, finally calming down and wiping at his eyes. He felt so empty. Sonny chose that moment to come into the living room. He took a seat on the couch. 

“Can I get you guys anything?” he asked, and Liv shook her head, thanking him softly, but Rafael did want something. He wanted to know what happened. How it happened. If Sebastian was scared or in pain for a long time. He needed to know. 

“Do you know who the shooter was?” Rafael asked, his voice hoarse. Sonny stared at him for a minute. 

“Um, no, not exactly. I don’t know the name. He was eighteen, found dead at the scene,” Sonny said. “Everything is a mess right now.” 

“I want to know his name, and I want to know why,” Rafael whispered. “I want to go in the school, and I want to see what happened.” 

“Rafael, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Sonny said softly. 

“I want to know Sonny,” he whispered. “It’s a crime scene right now, they can’t clean it up. Soon they’ll have to fix everything so kids can go back to school. I want to see it. I know you can get me in.” Sonny sighed, glancing at Liv for a moment. 

“Let me make some calls. I’ll see what I can do,” Sonny said. 

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered, turning back to Leo. He picked up a block, putting it on top of the tower, and Leo knocked it down, giggling and grinning. Rafael let out a tear-filled laugh. He picked Leo up, holding him close, and Leo hugged him. “I love you,” Rafael whispered. 

“Love you too Daddy,” Leo said back, a smile on his face. Rafael kissed his forehead, shutting his eyes, and trying to focus on what he still had rather than what he lost, but it wasn’t easy. Eventually Leo started fussing though, and when Rafael looked at the clock, he realized it was nap time. Sonny took him, heading back to his bedroom to put him down, and Rafael sat there, hugging his knees to his chest. Liv moved down beside him. 

“At least one of us is still okay,” Liv whispered, and Rafael smiled. He was grateful that Leo didn’t really understand what was happening. Noah was a mess, he was a mess, and Liv was a mess, but Leo was his smiling, playful self, and that helped. He sat there, leaning his head on Liv’s chest, and her cheek was pressed against the top of his head. Her hand ran over his back, and he let himself close his eyes. She felt like an anchor at the moment, something to hold onto. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “How do we ever recover from this?” 

“I don’t know,” she admitted. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” he said. Liv didn’t respond. She just squeezed him tight, and he felt tears filling his eyes again. It was like they were constantly there, right under the surface, and it would only take a few words to break the dam. “I’m going to get a glass of water,” he whispered, wiping at his eyes. “Do you want anything?” She shook her head. When he went in the kitchen, his mother was busy at the stove. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet, filling it with water. 

“Rafi,” Lucia’s voice was soft, and he looked up. “I didn’t mean to--I’m sure this is very difficult for you, and I wasn’t trying to imply that it wasn’t.” 

“It is,” he whispered. He knew she was trying to apologize, but she had hurt him. He felt his eyes filling with tears again, and he swore. Crying was getting old, but he couldn’t stop. 

“Oh darling, come here,” she said, and he let her pull him into a hug. His face was pressed against her shoulder, her hand running through his hair, and he could barely breathe. He shut his eyes. 

“Mami,” he whispered. “He’s dead. I didn’t--” 

“Oh Rafi,” she said, hand running down the back of his neck and over his back. He grabbed at her, holding on tight. “Sweetheart, don’t blame yourself.” 

“I was supposed to keep him safe. That was my job. I was his father,” Rafael said. “I am his father.” 

“You can’t protect your kids from everything,” Lucia said softly. “I know I didn’t protect you how I should have.” 

“At least I’m alive,” he whispered. She kissed his forehead. 

“He’s still alive in your heart Rafael. Never forget him. He was happy. He lived a good life, and I know you wanted more time, but you gave him a good life,” Lucia said. “You loved him, and you took care of him.” 

“Thanks Mom,” he whispered. “Thank you.” 

“Go sit down, relax with Liv. I’ll bring you dinner when it’s ready,” She said, and he nodded taking his water and going back to the living room. 

………………………

Rafael was laying in bed, half asleep, arms wrapped around Liv who was leaning against his chest when the door opened, light pouring into the room. He heard little footsteps, and as he squinted, he saw a little shadow approaching the bed. He could also hear soft gasps that told him it was Sebastian who was crying. Liv rolled over, and Rafael sat up. “Sebastian, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. Sebastian reached for him. 

“Daddy,” he whispered, and Rafael pulled him close, cradling him and kissing his forehead. His face was streaked with tears, Davey clutched in his hand. Rafael picked him up, carrying him out towards the kitchen so he wouldn’t wake Olivia up. 

“Mijo, qué tienes?” Rafael asked. 

“Tengo miedo,” Sebastian sobbed. 

“Oh Seb, don’t be scared. There’s nothing to be scared of buddy,” Rafael said. “Did you have a bad dream?” Sebastian nodded. “Poor baby,” Rafael whispered. “Here, let’s get you some water, and then you can come sleep in bed with me and Mommy.” Rafael got him a cup, filling it with a little bit of water, and Sebastian drank it. “There’s nothing to be scared of Seb, Mommy and I will keep you safe. That’s our job,” Rafael whispered. He crawled back in bed, holding Sebastian close, and the little boy snuggled into Rafael. He ran his fingers through Sebastian’s hair, trying to lull him to sleep. When he finally passed out, Rafael couldn’t help but smile at his peaceful little face. 

……………………

Rafael’s throat was burning as he stood in front of the mirror, his red and blue tie from a father’s day that felt like decades ago slung around his neck. He was already a mess. His hands were shaking as he started to tie it, his eyes filling with tears. He stopped, bracing himself on the vanity, his head dropping as he dissolved into sobs. “Rafa,” Liv said softly, her own voice shaking. She touched his shoulder, getting him to face her as she took his tie into her hands, tying it for him. Her knots were never as good as his own, but he let her do it anyways. He didn’t feel capable of tying it himself. She tightened it for him and folded his collar down, 

“He would love it,” she said softly, and Rafael was barely holding onto himself, wiping at his face and trying to stop. Liv was wearing a red shirt, and Rafael smiled, hands running down her sides, and he pulled her closer. He needed her so badly. Liv cupped his cheek, thumb stroking over his skin. 

“I wrote it last night,” Rafael whispered, pulling a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket. Liv leaned her head against his chest. Rafael wasn’t sure how he would possibly make it through the raw words he had scribbled down onto the piece of paper as he sat up with a glass of scotch the night before. He hurt. His whole body ached, and getting out of bed in the morning felt impossibly daunting each day. His heart shattered when he heard Liv cry during late hours of the night, and he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t fix it or change it or even be there for her because he was crumbling himself. 

“Guys,” Sonny said, knocking on the door. “We need to get going.” He looked apologetic for rushing them. Rafael nodded, pulling away and swallowing around the lump in his throat. He pulled on his suit jacket, tucking his folded pocket square inside of it over the white shirt and red tie. Sebastian would love it. He put the paper in his pocket, following Sonny out of the bedroom. Noah was waiting for them on the couch, wearing his own suit and a red tie that Sonny had picked up the night before. Rafael put a hand on Noah’s back as they walked down towards the car. He held the door open for Olivia who slid in to the other side. Noah sat between them, and Rafael climbed in last. He stared out the window for the whole car ride, holding back tears. When Sonny stopped the car, Rafael stayed in his seat for a few moments, but a little hand reached for his own, and he looked over at Noah gratefully. He leaned down, kissing Noah’s forehead. 

“Let’s go Noah,” he said softly. He climbed out of the car, holding onto Noah’s hand as they entered the building. Liv had Leo, but he wasn’t going to stay the whole time. Fin was going to take him somewhere where he could play and not have to sit through the whole service. When they went inside, Rafael had to count his breaths. Sonny was close behind him though, a hand on his shoulder to keep him moving. He guided him up towards the front of the church where the casket was. They had decided it would be easier to just have a brief viewing before the service. The casket was open, and as Rafael got closer, he had to steel himself to see Sebastian again. His little face was so pale that Rafael couldn’t breathe. His eyes were closed, his black hair combed and in place. It was all wrong. It was so wrong that Rafael felt physically ill. He lifted Noah up when he asked, so he could see easier. 

“Can I touch him?” Noah asked softly, his eyes filled with tears. 

“Yeah buddy, you can touch him,” Rafael said softly. Noah reached down and put his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. 

“He’s cold,” Noah whispered.

“I know kiddo,” Rafael said softly. “Why don’t you go sit down with Uncle Sonny.” Noah nodded, going with Sonny who sat with him in the pews. Rafael leaned over Sebastian, gently running his fingers through his hair. “I miss you,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you Seb. It breaks my heart every single day. I am so sorry.” He felt someone come up to stand beside him, but he couldn’t even turn to look. 

“Oh God.” Liv’s voice was so soft, and they had both seen him before, but it just felt so wrong to see him again, in a wooden box, getting ready to be buried. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go. It was supposed to be so different. Rafael let himself linger for a few more minutes before he moved to sit in the chairs that were set up for them. He felt sick. He dropped his head into his hands, sobbing. His baby was dead. He was gone, and Rafael couldn’t breathe anymore. 

“Rafael,” Sonny said softy. “Come here.” Rafael leaned forward, and Sonny wrapped his arms around him. 

“I can’t breathe without him,” Rafael said softly. “I didn’t--I didn’t keep him safe.” 

“That wasn’t your fault Rafael. A deranged man killed your son. You did not do anything wrong. You put him on the bus just like you should have. You sent him to school just like you should have. You did everything you should have Rafael. He should have been safe there,” Sonny said, and Rafael let his head fall on Sonny’s shoulder. 

“I just want him back,” Rafael whispered. “I want him back so badly. I need to say goodbye to him. I need to tell him I love him one more time. I need him.” He couldn’t stop crying until it felt like he didn’t have any tears left. His eyes were burning as he sat up straight. 

“People will be here soon,” Sonny said. Rafael nodded, wiping his face. Liv was still over by the casket, and he stood up once more, going over by her. He looked down at Sebastian again, wearing the expensive, custom red suit that Rafael had picked out. He wished he had gotten it for Sebastian when he asked the first time. 

“I love you little man,” Rafael whispered. “I’ll never stop loving you, and I’m proud of you.” When people started arriving, walking up and pausing at the casket, telling him how sincerely sorry they were. It felt fake. He felt incredibly bitter than his son was dead. He nodded and smiled at people, forcing himself to get through it. Parents from Sebastian’s class, parents who got to take their kids home, they were the ones who he hated the most. He stood there, Liv beside him, thanking people as they passed through. He was going through the motions until a man was right in front of him, reaching for his hand. When he looked up, he recognized the dead look in the man’s eyes, the redness from all the tears. 

“My daughter was in his class,” the man said softly, and he didn’t have to say a word more. Rafael knew. 

“I am so sorry,” Rafael whispered. “Thank you for coming.” The man nodded, and Rafael pulled him in for a hug. “When is your daughter’s funeral?” he asked. 

“Tomorrow,” the man whispered.

“I’ll be there,” Rafael promised. “Thank you.” They exchanged information, and then Rafael went back to keeping himself in check and forcing a smile on his face as people walked through the line. Finally, it was over, and the service was set to start in fifteen minutes. Rafael moved down to the front row of the pews, next to Noah who seemed to be getting nervous again. Rafael wasn’t sure if it was all the tension in the room or the shock of seeing his brother dead, but he wrapped his arm around Noah, trying to comfort his son. “How are you feeling Noah?” He asked. Noah shrugged, leaning against his father. “Buddy, deep breathing, remember?” 

“There are lots of people here Dad,” Noah whispered, and Rafael felt like his heart was breaking even more. 

“You’re safe here Noah. These are people who loved Sebastian. No one is going to hurt you or me or Mom or Leo. It’s okay now,” Rafael whispered. He wasn’t sure what else he could say to Noah. He just had to try and be there to comfort him when he got scared like this. 

“I want to go home,” Noah whispered, starting to cry, and Rafael felt like he was about to lose it. 

“Okay Noah, here, come with me,” Rafael said, checking his watch. He had about ten minutes before he needed to be back for the service. Fin was in the lobby, collecting Leo’s things. “Fin! Hey, can you take Noah home with you please?” He asked.

“Liv said he was staying here,” Fin said, shifting Leo around in his arms. 

“This is a little much for him,” Rafael said. “Noah, Uncle Fin will take you home. Mommy and I will be there later.” Noah hugged him. 

“Promise?” He asked. 

“Yeah bud, I promise. Te amo, okay?” He said, kissing Noah’s forehead. 

“I love you too,” Noah whispered before he went with Fin out of the church. When Rafael went back inside, he sat down beside Liv. 

“Where’s Noah?” She asked. 

“I sent him home with Fin. He was scared,” Rafael said. 

“Rafael,” Liv said softly. 

“If I kept him here, he would be miserable,” Rafael said.

“I thought we all agreed he would be here. He said he wanted to,” Liv said. 

“And then he got overwhelmed. I made a judgement call,” he whispered. 

“So is he never going to go in public again?” Liv asked. 

“Liv, I don’t know what’s going on right now, but our son is traumatized. He needs time and love, and I was not going to make him sit here if he didn’t want to,” Rafael hissed, trying not to draw attention to them. 

“You didn’t even ask,” she whispered. He was about to respond, but the service was beginning, so he just shook his head, turning his attention to the front. 

“We’re here today to celebrate the life of Sebastian Luis Barba who was tragically taken from his parents at such a young age,” Father Mike said from the front. Rafael swallowed, looking down at his hands. They read a few passages, a bible verse or two that he didn’t care about. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian. Nothing anyone could possibly say made it better. There was a gaping hole in his chest that wouldn’t ever close. He sat there, staring at his hands, tears coursing down his cheeks until Sonny nudged his shoulder. 

“Rafael, it’s time for you to talk,” Sonny said. Rafael nodded, standing up and starting to walk up to the front. He had to grab onto the podium to steady himself as he pulled the folded up piece of paper from his pocket. How was anything he could say supposed to sum up his son’s life? He took a moment to collect himself. 

“They say that losing a child is the worst pain a parent could feel,” he said softly, his nose and throat stinging with the threat of tears. “That doesn’t even begin to describe the reality. These past few days have been the hardest of my entire life. Sebastian was a bright and happy child. He always had a smile on his face, and there was never a dull moment with him whether he was painting the walls with red finger paint at three in the morning or tearing up all my work papers to make confetti.” Rafael had to stop for a second. He was choking up. He still couldn’t believe he had gotten mad enough to yell at Sebastian that morning. “It’s these things that we miss the most. I miss waking up in the morning when he would come and jump on my bed. He was truly special. Sebastian was the first baby I held in my arms, I saw his first steps, heard his first words. I was there the day he was born, and I wish I could have been with him the day he died.” He wiped at his eyes, breathing harshly for a few moments before he managed to continue. “These last few days, I’ve been playing through things he did in my head. He was spirited, but also sweet. Everyday he told me he wanted to be a firefighter because he loved their big red trucks. He called his little brother Leo, ‘ketchup’ because ketchup is red, and red was his favorite color. His best friend was Davey, the teddy bear, who never left his side except when I pried him from Sebastian’s fingers for bath time. He picked this tie out for me on Father’s Day, and it feels like the most precious thing I own. He was taken from us too early, but even though it hurts, we can’t forget him. The greatest disservice we could do to Sebastian is to forget. I never want to forget his smile or the sound of his voice because it’s all I have left. He would want everyone to smile and to laugh and to wear red, so I’m going to do my best. Losing him at five years old was my worst nightmare, but the truth is, he was happy. Sebastian lived a happy life, and I hope you all remember him that way.” Rafael was breaking down by the time he finished. He was clutching at the podium, sobs shaking his body, and then he felt a hand on his back, nudging him to walk off the stage. 

“Come on Rafael, you did great,” Sonny said softly. As they walked past the casket, Rafael made him stop. He pressed a kiss to Sebastian’s forehead. 

“Goodbye Seb, I love you,” he whispered. Sonny walked him back to his seat, and he sat down. Liv was crying, Amanda’s arm draped around her shoulders, but she reached for him. He pulled her in, pressing his face against the top of her head. 

“Rafa,” she whispered, and it just made him cry harder. 

“I don’t want to let him go,” Rafael whispered. He clung to Olivia as people stood up and shared memories of Sebastian. Some of them made him laugh and some made him cry, but they did help. They helped to keep him alive. He hoped people would keep those moments close to their hearts because if they remembered him, he wouldn’t truly be gone. 

The limousine ride to the cemetery was quiet, but Rafael held onto Liv’s hand the whole way there. There was an unspoken agreement to leave their fight until later. Sonny and Amanda were in the car with them, silent the whole ride there and it felt somber. Rafael tried to keep himself from crying. He constantly felt like he was on the verge of tears. He was glad to have a chair when they made it to the graveside. He didn’t feel like he could possibly stand. He held Liv’s hand, sobbing as Father Mike spoke for a little bit before they finally lowered the casket into the ground. Rafael felt sick, but unlike many of the times before, he actually felt bile rising in his throat. He stood up, starting to walk away, trying to find somewhere private. He made it down to the car before he bent over, throwing up in the grass. “Rafael, hey,” Sonny said. “Deep breaths, it’s alright. Deep breaths.” Sonny’s hand was on his back, and Rafael grabbed at him as he collapsed down to his knees. He shut his eyes, sucking in air desperately. He was trying to celebrate Sebastian, but he couldn’t help but mourn.

…………………………….

The oven dinged, and Rafael rushed over to pull the cake out. “You know it would’ve been so much easier if we just ordered a cake from a bakery,” Liv said. Rafael hissed, the pan burning him. He set it down on the counter, running his fingers under cool water. Liv laughed softly. 

“I want to make him a cake. It’s his second birthday Liv. He’s growing up so fast,” Rafael said. “They both are.” 

“I don’t know that you’re cut out for this cake baking,” Liv said with a snort, taking a look at his hand. “You’ll live though.” 

“Daddy!” Sebastian yelled, running out into the kitchen with a big smile. 

“Good morning buddy!” Rafael said, picking him up. “What’s today?” 

“My birthday!” Sebastian exclaimed, and Rafael smiled. 

“That’s right little man!” Rafael said with a big smile. “Your friends will be here in a bit. Why don’t you go with Mommy and get dressed.” Sebastian grinned, letting Liv take him into her arms. Rafael left the cake alone so it could cool down before he iced it. He had red icing, of course, and he was going to try and put some writing on top, but he wasn’t sure if that was going to work out. He poked his head into the living room where there were already stacks of presents. He was starting to think that Liv had been right when she told him he had gone overboard when shopping. He couldn’t help himself though. He loved spoiling his boys. He wanted them to have everything he didn’t when he was their age. 

“Dad?” Noah asked, coming into the kitchen. 

“Yes Noah?” he asked, starting to get snacks out for the party. 

“I need your help with my science project. Remember?” Noah said, and Rafael groaned. 

“Damn it,” he whispered. “Okay. Give me like five minutes. I need to finish Sebastian’s cake, but I promise I’ll help.” He got the icing out of the fridge, letting it sit. Rafael had no idea how he had managed to forget about Noah’s science project. He was angry with himself. He didn’t want Noah to feel like he was less important. Rafael started spreading the icing over the cake, hoping Sebastian would like it. Maybe Liv had been right. It may have been better to pick up a cake from the bakery. He was trying really hard though, and he hoped that counted for something. He filled a piping bag with grey icing, his hands shaking slightly as he started to put letters on top of the cake. 

“Maybe you should lay off the coffee a little bit,” Liv said with a laugh. He snorted. “Are you ready for this party?” she asked. 

“Twenty two year olds in our house? Can’t wait,” he said softly, and she smiled, kissing his cheek. 

“He’s gonna love it,” Liv said. 

“Our baby is two years old, can you believe that?” Rafael said softly, and Liv leaned her head against his chest when he turned around to face her. 

“Rafa, I want another baby,” Liv whispered. 

“You what?” he asked, pulling back slightly. 

“I want another baby,” Liv said. “Sebastian is getting so big, and I just--I want one more.” 

“Liv, it was not easy when you were pregnant with Sebastian. You had some serious risks and complications. I don’t know if I can go through that again. I can’t lose you,” Rafael whispered. 

“I was fine Rafael, the doctors never said I  _ couldn’t  _ have another baby,” Liv said. 

“It’s not that I don’t want another baby Liv, really, holding Sebastian after he was born, it was so special. Seeing something that we made together, a child we can raise together. It’s been amazing. Being a father is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but we have Noah and we have Sebastian. I don’t know that we should risk your health for this. You know what the doctors said,” he said. She sighed, looking down. “Let’s talk about this later, another time,” Rafael said, leaning in for a kiss, but she pulled away. “Liv, come on. Liv--” He sighed, taking a seat at the counter. “Damn it,” he whispered. He ran his fingers through his hair. He didn’t think what he was saying was that ridiculous. 

He stood back up, trying to finish the cake quickly. He still needed to go help Noah. The cake was cute, and he hoped it tasted good. He headed back down the hall, poking his head into Noah’s room. Noah was sitting on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. “Hey buddy, ready to finish that project?” Rafael asked, and Noah looked up at him with a smile. 

“Really?” he asked, and Rafael took a seat beside him. 

“Yeah really, I promised, didn’t I?” Rafael said. 

“You looked kinda busy with Sebastian’s cake,” Noah said, and Rafael frowned. 

“That doesn’t mean I don’t have time for you too,” Rafael said. “Trust me, this is very important. Now how about you show me what you need help with.” Noah smiled at him, pulling out his things, and Rafael felt better. At least he had done something right. 

………………….

Rafael felt numb as he walked inside the dark apartment. Fin was sitting on the couch with Leo, a soft lamp on. “Hey,” he said softly, and Rafael just nodded. 

“Where’s Noah?” he asked. 

“He went to sleep,” Fin said. “He wouldn’t eat dinner.” 

“Thanks Fin,” Rafael said, heading back towards Noah’s bedroom. He pushed the door open, looking in to check on his son. Noah was curled up in bed in the dark, asleep, and Rafael was glad he was at least getting some rest. He shut the door again, going into the bedroom and slowly undressing. He untied his tie, putting it on the bed, and then he started on the buttons of his shirt. He heard the door open behind him, but he didn’t even turn around. 

“He’s sleeping a lot,” Liv said softly. “Maybe we should look into getting him some help.” Rafael shook his head. 

“Maybe you should stop trying to push him,” Rafael said softly. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Liv asked. Rafael just continued unbuttoning his shirt. “Rafael.”

“His brother died Liv,” he said, turning around. “His brother died while he hid in the bathroom because there was a shooter in his elementary school, and you want me to make him stay at Sebastian’s funeral? While he’s falling apart, breaking down. He needs time.” 

“I didn’t say that he doesn’t, but would it hurt to look into having him talk with someone?” Liv asked. 

“You didn’t say he doesn’t?” Rafael asked incredulously. He shook his head. “You yelled at me for letting him go home? What the hell do you call that? You expected him to sit there? He was crying, he was scared, and I’ll be damned if I make it worse. He needs love and support and time. We don’t need to push him. We don’t need to get him help right away. We need to make him feel safe again.” 

“Why don’t you talk to me then? Why do you just make decisions? I’m his mother Rafael,” Liv said. “You just sent my baby somewhere else without even telling me.” 

“I’m his father. I made a decision. I made a decision to protect him,” Rafael said. “I know you adopted him first, but that doesn’t mean I’m not just as much of a parent as you are.” She opened her mouth to speak again, but there was a knock on the door. “What?” Rafael asked. Amanda poked her head in the door. 

“Um, guys, you might want to quiet down a little,” she said. Rafael raised his eyebrow at her, but she opened the door and his heart broke. Noah was huddled up in the hallway, covering his ears and crying. 

“Shit,” he whispered, heading into the hall to get Noah. He knelt down beside him, touching his cheek. “Hey, Noah, shhh, it’s okay.” Noah just grabbed for Rafael, and he wrapped his arms around him. “Here, come on,” Rafael said, picking Noah up. He grunted softly, rubbing Noah’s back as he took him into the bedroom, closing the door. Liv’s hand was over her mouth. Rafael gently took a seat on the bed, shushing Noah. 

“I’m sorry,” Noah whispered. 

“No Noah, don’t be sorry. Everything is alright,” Rafael said. He felt the bed dip as Liv took a seat beside him, reaching out to help comfort Noah. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“I’m sorry I made you fight,” Noah sobbed. “Are you going to get divorced?” 

“No,” Rafael said firmly. “Buddy, no. It’s not your fault. Mom and I...we’re just tired and sad, and sometimes we need to talk better. Sometimes we fight. You and Sebastian and Leo would fight. That doesn’t mean you aren’t brothers anymore, does it?” Noah shook his head. 

“Noah,” Liv said softly. “Your Dad and I love each other, and we love you. We’re a family, and it’s going to stay that way.” 

“Can I stay here?” he asked softly, wiping at his eyes. “I don’t want to go back to my room.” 

“Sure Noah,” Rafael said, brushing some curls out of his face. “I’m gonna go get you some juice and a snack, and you and Mommy and I can watch a movie.” Noah looked at him with shining eyes, but he nodded. Liv wrapped an arm around him while Rafael headed out to the kitchen. He got Noah a glass of juice and some fruit. He also grabbed a couple cookies so Noah could have something sweet that he would like. When he went back to the bedroom, Noah was laughing softly, leaning against Liv, and Rafael smiled. He took a seat on the bed, handing Noah the cup. He started sipping at it while Rafael found something to watch. He scooted closer, putting an arm around Noah’s shoulders, and leaning against Liv. Rafael wanted nothing more than to simply go to sleep. He felt worn out and sick to his stomach, but he was going to be there for Noah. He needed to be strong. “Noah, Mom and I are right here anytime you need us. I want you to know, you can tell us anything. We’re going to take care of you. We’re here.” Noah nodded, snuggling into his father’s side, and Rafael smiled, handing him some fruit to eat. Noah picked at it, and Rafael didn’t push him. He didn’t want to stress Noah out anymore than he already was. 

“Dad?” Noah asked. 

“What’s up?” Rafael said, running his fingers through Noah’s hair. 

“I miss Sebastian,” he said. Rafael had to pause a second and control himself. 

“Me too Noah, me too.” 

It wasn’t long before Noah was asleep again, and Rafael tucked him in under the comforter. He sighed, getting up and starting to get out of his clothes again. He put on some pajamas before he turned to Liv. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about Noah earlier. I know you’re scared after what happened with Sebastian,” he whispered. Their fight did not feel important anymore, not after Noah’s emotional meltdown. 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry too,” Liv said. “I’m just--I don’t know. Everything feels out of control. I don’t know what to think or who to trust.” 

“You can trust me,” Rafael whispered. “We’re all we have left. Our family.” 

“We can figure out how to handle Noah later,” Liv said, coming over she could lean against Rafael. He kissed the top of her head. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you too Rafa,” Liv said. He was sure they would probably fight about similar things again at some point, but if their marriage was going to make it through this, they needed to try and move past their fights. They needed to try and realize when it was grief talking. They needed to hold on as tight as they could or they would lose everything. They got into bed on either side of their son, turning the lights off, settling in for the night, and Rafael was glad all three of them were there because without his family to remind him what he still had, he felt like everything was gone. 

………………..

Two little hands on his cheeks, cold hands made him jerk awake. “Morning Daddy,” Sebastian whispered. Rafael laughed. 

“Good morning Seb,” he whispered. He opened his eyes, peeking up at Sebastian who was grinning. “Did you sleep good?” he asked. Sebastian nodded at him. 

“Davey is hungry,” he said softly, and Rafael smiled and laughed. He picked his son up like he did almost every morning, and he headed out to the kitchen. Surprisingly, Noah wasn’t at the table yet. 

“What does Davey want this morning?” Rafael asked. 

“Eggs,” Sebastian said with a big smile. Rafael couldn’t help but smile back as he opened the fridge up, getting the eggs out and starting to make enough breakfast for each of his children. 

“Are you excited?” Rafael asked. Sebastian shrugged. 

“Can Davey come?” he asked. Rafael had been wondering when that question would come up. He just hoped it didn’t turn into a full on meltdown when he answered. 

“Seb, don’t you think Davey would be safer here?” Rafael asked. “You don’t want to lose him.” 

“But he’ll be lonely,” Sebastian said. “And I’ll miss him.” 

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll keep Davey safe with me at work, and you can see him when I come home. I’ll make sure he isn’t lonely, okay?” Rafael asked, bringing Sebastian his plate. 

“Okay,” Sebastian whispered with a huff. Rafael brushed some hair away from his face. 

“It’s going to be okay, I promise. You’ll have fun today. Ask Noah,” Rafael said. 

“I don’t know,” Sebastian whispered. “Why can’t I just stay home with ketchup?” 

“Cause you’re not old enough to be home alone, silly. Leo is going to daycare at school with you and Noah. Kindergarten will be easy. You’ll make lots of friends, and you’ll have fun, okay?” Rafael asked. Originally, he and Liv had been leaving Sebastian and Leo with Lucy, but with Sebastian going to kindergarten, they figured it would be easier to just send Leo to the school daycare. 

“What if I don’t like it?” Sebastian asked, taking a bite of his eggs. 

“Then we’ll figure something out. You’ll like it buddy, I promise,” Rafael said. He nodded, and Rafael smiled, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I’m gonna go find your brothers,” he said. Rafael headed down the hall, knocking on Noah’s door. “Noah? You’re gonna be late. Come on!” 

“Morning Rafa,” Liv said, startling him. “Go get your shower. I’ve got the boys.” Rafael let her pull him in for a kiss. 

“Sebastian is eating. I have no idea what Noah is doing, and Leo isn’t up yet,” he said, she smiled at him, kissing him one more time before pulling away. He headed to the shower, turning on the hot water and undressing slowly. He let the warm water wash over him as he prayed that everyone would make it out the door on time today. When he got out the shower and toweled off, he heard loud crying and sighed. It wasn’t like it was anything new, but it was exhausting to deal with every morning. He quickly dressed himself, did his hair and brushed his teeth before he went to figure out what the hell was going on. Sebastian was on the floor in the kitchen, sobbing, and Rafael looked to Liv who appeared frustrated. “What’s going on?” he asked. 

“He’s having a meltdown about school,” Liv said. “Noah isn’t helping. I’m going to go talk with him and grab Leo. Can you handle this please?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Rafael said, cautiously approaching Sebastian. He had been doing so well earlier. Rafael wasn’t sure what went wrong. He knelt down on the floor beside Sebastian who was screaming, his face red as he laid on the floor. “Seb, buddy, what’s wrong?” 

“I don’t want to go,” he sobbed, hugging Davey so tight Rafael thought the teddy bear’s head might pop off. 

“Buddy, you’re gonna like it. I promise,” Rafael said, but Sebastian shook his head. Rafael gently reached for him trying to pick him up, but he screamed and struggled, flailing his arms in Rafael’s direction. “Sebastian,” he whispered. “You know not to hit me. Calm down. Deep breaths and we’ll talk about this.” He was used to tantrums at this point. Sebastian could be very stubborn. There had been weeks of tantrums when Leo was born, and he had been better recently, but that seemed to have flown out the window. Sebastian struggled desperately to get away from him, and Rafael sucked in a sharp breath when Sebastian bit him. “Hey,” he said. “Do you want to be in trouble? You can be upset, but you don’t act like this. I know you know better.” He finally escaped Rafael’s arms after some frantic squirming, running off to his bedroom, and Rafael took a second to compose himself so he wouldn’t get frustrated and lose his cool. He went back to the bedroom, opening the door, and he didn’t see Sebastian anywhere at first. It took him a couple minutes to realize Sebastian had tucked himself between his bed and the nightstand, holding onto Davey tight. 

“You can’t make me,” Sebastian sobbed. 

“What happened mijo?” Rafael asked, kneeling down and peering through the small space at his son. He certainly wasn’t going to fit in there, so it was going to be challenging to get Sebastian out. “Talk to me. Have I ever lied to you Seb? We can talk about this. We’ll figure it out,” Rafael said. Sebastian looked at him with teary eyes before he finally started crawling out from his hiding spot. He sniffled as Rafael picked him up, holding him close. He kissed Sebastian’s forehead. “What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“Noah said it’s scary. I wanna stay with you Daddy,” Sebastian whispered starting to cry again. Rafael had no idea why Noah would possibly say that to his brother, but he decided he would deal with that later. He held Sebastian tighter. 

“Oh buddy, it’s not scary. What if when we go, I won’t leave until you’re ready, okay? I promise it won’t be scary,” Rafael said. “School is fun. It’s safe there, and you get to learn. There’s nothing to be scared of.” Sebastian pressed his face into Rafael’s shirt. 

“Pinky promise?” He asked softly. 

“Yeah Seb, I pinky promise,” Rafael said with a laugh. “Now come on, let’s get dressed. You don’t want to be late.” Rafael wiped the tears from his son’s face, helping him get his clothes on. He watched with a little smile as he got his shoes on by himself, and then it was time to drive him to school. As he was getting him buckled into his booster seat, the bus passed them on the street, and Sebastian watched it in awe. 

“Can I ride that?” He asked. “It kinda looks like a fire truck.” Rafael chuckled. 

“Yeah maybe one of these days buddy,” he said with a laugh. Liv finally appeared, Leo in her arms and Noah in tow. Rafael got in the passenger seat while she put Leo in his car seat. The ride over was rather uneventful, full of random questions from mainly Sebastian and Leo. Noah was quiet. Rafael felt this nagging sense of sadness as they pulled into the school parking lot. He walked Noah inside, saying goodbye to him, and then they dropped Leo off before taking Sebastian to his class. He was hesitant, and Rafael guided him inside with a hand on his back. Sebastian looked up at him unsurely, still holding onto Davey. “It’s okay Seb, come on.” Rafael took his hand this time, helping him to find the cubby with his name on it. He tucked his backpack into the little shelf, and then looked around for Sebastian’s desk, but he stopped, not moving even when Rafael tried to guide him forward. Liv smiled softly from where she was standing, going to look for his desk while Rafael knelt down beside him. “Look at all these nice kids Seb, they’re probably scared too. You can make friends. Why don’t we go over to Mommy. She found your desk.” 

“Don’t go,” Sebastian said softly, holding onto Rafael’s hand as tight as he could. 

“I promised you, remember? I won’t leave until you’re ready,” Rafael said. Sebastian grimaced, but he nodded, letting Rafael pull him a few feet towards his desk. Rafael finally got him there with a lot of effort. Rafael lifted him into the seat, and he crossed his arms. Rafael was about to try and talk to him again when a little boy came over and held out a baggie of cheez-its. 

“Do you want one?” he asked, and Sebastian nodded, reaching in and taking one. “I’m Brody.” Rafael looked to Sebastian, waiting for him to say his own name, but he just looked shyly down at his lap. 

“Say hi,” Rafael said softly with a laugh. 

“Hi,” Sebastian whispered. 

“Can you tell him your name?” Liv said, a smile playing on her lips. 

“I’m Sebastian,” he finally said after a couple minutes. Brody held out the bag again, and Sebastian took another one. He started talking, and Sebastian laughed a little bit. Soon, he was talking back like he usually would and Rafael smiled. He started to stand up, but Sebastian whipped around, panic in his eyes. “Daddy,” he said. “Not yet.” 

“Seb, buddy,” Rafael said with a laugh. “You’re gonna be fine. You don’t need me.” Sebastian grabbed his hand though. 

“Stay,” he said, reaching over for Liv’s hand as well. Rafael sighed. He stayed with Sebastian until he seemed to be distracted finally, coloring with Brody. 

“Can I go now Seb?” he asked, and Sebastian looked at him sadly for a couple minutes before he nodded. Rafael smiled, kissing Sebastian’s forehead. He held out his hand for Davey, and Sebastian sighed before handing him over. “I’ll see you after school. I love you. Have fun.” 

“Okay, bye Daddy, I love you,” he said, throwing his arms around Rafael’s neck. 

“I love you too,” he whispered. Rafael waited as Sebastian hugged Liv, and then they started towards the door. He stopped before leaving the classroom, looking back at his son and feeling this bittersweet sadness wash over him. He suddenly had a lump in his throat and tears pricking his eyes as he watched Sebastian with Brody, smiling, scribbling with crayons and sitting at a desk in a classroom. Where had the time gone? His baby boy, that tiny bundle that he held in the hospital, was five. He loved Noah just as much as he loved Sebastian, but Rafael hadn’t been Noah’s father when he was just going to kindergarten. He didn’t hold Noah when he was born. It was just different. Sebastian was his first for many things, including this. He was choking up, and Liv put a hand on his arm. Sebastian waved at him, and Rafael waved back, trying to control himself. 

“He’ll be fine Rafa,” Liv said. “Come on, you’ll see him after school.” Rafael nodded, grabbing for her hand as they left the building. Every moment of Sebastian’s life leading up to that point was playing before his eyes as he left the building. His baby was growing up. 

…………………….

Rafael was sitting in the living room, Noah asleep in his lap as he blankly stared at the tv. He wasn’t really watching it. He was just sitting there, dreading every breath he took. What he wouldn’t give to be able to give those breaths to Sebastian, to take his place. Every day was like hell, an alternate reality that wasn’t real. Every day was another day that Sebastian was dead. Liv sat down next to him, quietly, holding Leo. She had been silent all day. They all had. It didn’t feel like there were words worth speaking. He was trying so hard to be there for Noah and to hold him up, but he was falling to pieces. The sheer amount of time he was spending asleep was concerning him. When he was awake, he glued himself to Rafael or Liv’s side. He was refusing to leave them even with Sonny or Amanda or Fin. It had to be one of them with him. He wouldn’t sleep without them, he would barely eat even with them, and he just cried on and off. 

“Is anyone hungry?” Sonny asked, coming out from the kitchen. The squad had been a godsend. One of them was with them at all times when Rafael’s mother wasn’t. It was especially helpful with Leo who needed attention that sometimes he and Liv didn’t have the energy to give. “Come on, let’s get a pizza,” Sonny said. “I bet Noah would like a pizza, and how about you Leo?” Leo grinned and nodded at that did manage to make Rafael feel a little better. 

“Carisi, when are we leaving?” Rafael asked softly. Sonny looked at him, sighing softly. 

“You’re sure about this?” he asked for about the hundredth time. 

“Goddamn it Carisi, I’m sure,” he whispered. 

“After you eat some lunch,” Sonny said. “Let me call Fin.” Rafael sat there with Noah, running his fingers through his son’s curls. Every time he went into a room, he expected to see Sebastian. He expected to see Sebastian holding Davey or running around or smiling at him. He expected to see him making a mess. He expected to see him around every turn, but he was eerily absent. He was gone just like that. Each picture that hung on the wall or sat on a table was like a knife through his heart, twisting and digging until Rafael felt like he was in so much pain, he just wanted to die. Noah started to stir, sniffling and looking up at Rafael. 

“Hey buddy,” Rafael said softy. “How do you feel?” Noah shrugged, cuddling up against Rafael’s stomach. “Uncle Sonny is going to order some pizza. How’s that sound?” Noah shrugged again. “You love pizza Noah, will you try one piece for me? Just one.” 

“Okay,” Noah said softly. Liv set Leo down on the couch before standing up and disappearing back towards the bedroom, and Leo crawled over towards the other side of the couch where Rafael was sitting with Noah. 

“Daddy,” he said with a smile, and Rafael forced a smile on his own face, trying not to upset Leo. “Why sad?” he asked. “Hug?” 

“Sure Leo, I’d like a hug,” he said, trying not to choke up. Leo reached for him, hugging him the best he could around Noah, and Rafael shut his eyes. He told himself that he still had Noah, he still had Liv, he still had Leo, but he didn’t have Sebastian and that hurt far worse than he could have ever imagined. The thought that plagued him the most was how had this happened? What the hell had happened? He wanted to know what Sebastian had been through. He wanted to know what happened to his son, to feel like maybe if he put himself through all of it, somehow, he wouldn’t feel like Sebastian had been alone. Noah pushed Leo away, and he stumbled back. “Hey,” Rafael said sternly, and Noah immediately started to cry. “Noah,” Rafael whispered. “Buddy, don’t cry, it’s okay. I just need you to not push your brother like that.” 

“Don’t be mad at me,” Noah whispered, and Rafael sighed. 

“I’m not Noah. I’m not mad,” he said. “It’s okay, breathe.” He rubbed Noah’s back, trying to calm him down, and he peeked over at Leo who wasn’t too upset thankfully. He pressed his face against the stop of Noah’s head, starting to sob. Everything was too much. Noah feeling like this broke his heart, and he was already barely keeping himself together. 

“Pizza is here,” Sonny said, interrupting his thoughts, and he stood up, helping Noah up to his feet. Noah clung to his hand as they started towards the table. When Rafael took a seat, Noah didn’t even want to sit in another chair. He stood directly beside Rafael. 

“Noah, please sit down,” Rafael said, but he shook his head. “Alright.” He picked Noah up, settling him in his lap. Rafael got him a piece of pizza, and Noah mostly just grimaced at it. “Where’s Liv?” he asked softly, and Sonny turned from where he was holding Leo as he devoured a piece of pizza. Leo had pizza sauce all over his face, and Rafael smiled a little bit. 

“Let me go look for her,” Sonny said, setting Leo down in the booster seat. When Sonny returned though, he was all alone. “She just needs a little bit,” he said. “Fin is going to be here soon to stay with them while we go.” Noah looked at him, alarm evident in his wide eyes. 

“Dad, where are you going?” Noah asked, grabbing for him. 

“Noah,” Rafael said softly, trying to calm him down as soon as possible. “Listen to me, I just need to go run an errand with Uncle Sonny. I will be back in a couple hours. You’ll be here with Mom and Uncle Fin and Leo.” Noah’s lip quivered, and he grabbed at Rafael’s arm. 

“Promise you’ll come back?” Noah asked softly, and Rafael nodded, leaning his head down on Noah’s, pressing a kiss over his hair. 

“I promise Noah. I will come back,” he said. Noah hugged him tightly. “It’s all going to be okay.” Liv finally appeared as Rafael finished a piece of pizza. Noah still hadn’t touched his own. “Do you want some pizza?” Rafael asked. Liv shook her head, taking a seat. 

“Are you leaving?” she asked, and Rafael nodded. “Can I talk to you really quick?” He stood up, and Noah held tight to his hand, but Rafael pulled back. 

“Noah, just stay here with Leo, just for a couple minutes. I need to go talk to Mommy and Uncle Sonny. I will be right back,” Rafael said, but Noah shook his head, starting to breathe heavier. “Okay, okay, Uncle Sonny is going to stay here just for a minute. Mom will be right here.” Noah finally let go of him, and he pulled Liv aside. 

“Rafa, please, just be careful,” she said softly. “You going to that school, please be safe.” 

“I promise. I’ll be home in a couple hours. I’ll be back,” he whispered, leaning forward and pressing his lips to her forehead. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Rafa,” she said. He pulled her in for a hug, pressing his face against her shoulder, and she ran her fingers through his hair. It was small, but it felt like a lot. While he was grabbing his jacket, Liv pulled Sonny aside. “Carisi,” she whispered. “I need you to keep an eye on him. I know he wants this, but I’m afraid it’ll be too much for him to bear.”

“I promise Lieu, I’ll take care of him,” Sonny said. 

“He’s so angry already. I’m not sure how he’ll react,” she said. 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks,” Sonny said. “You have nothing to worry about.” He turned to Rafael after that who was pulling his coat on and tying his shoes. He was feeling nervous about going to the school. He was sure he wanted to see it, for Sebastian’s sake, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to react. “Ready?” Sonny asked, and Rafael nodded. He followed the detective out to the car, buckling himself in. The ride to the school was silent. Rafael looked out the window, wondering how long Sebastian had been in pain, what he was thinking, how long he had been scared, if he was alone. It was all running through his head over and over again. He wasn't sure if he was ready to go inside and see the mess that was left behind, but it would be gone soon. They needed to clean up and repair the school so classes could start again, so it was now or never. When Sonny pulled into the parking lot, Rafael took a few moments to compose himself. He wanted a glass of scotch to take the edge off. “Take your time,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded. He was fighting tears already, and his throat felt blocked, a burning sensation overwhelming him. 

“Jesus,” he whispered. “Let’s just go.” Sonny nodded, getting out of the car, and Rafael was glad. He was terrified his resolve might fade. As they approached the school, he began to feel sick to his stomach. The window was smashed in at the door, yellow crime scene tape everywhere. Sonny, lifted it up so Rafael could duck underneath and go inside the door. He had been in that door a million times whether it was for Noah or for Sebastian or even Leo. “Run me through how this happened,” Rafael said, and Sonny looked at him for a second, swallowing heavily. 

“It was noon when it started,” Sonny said softly. “Twelve fifteen, the assailant approached the school. He had a semi-automatic rifle and a pistol.” 

“Tell me his name,” Rafael said lowly. 

“Barba,” Sonny whispered. Rafael turned away for a second, starting to feel overwhelmed. 

“How did he have an assault weapon, those are illegal in New York. He was eighteen,” Rafael whispered. 

“They owned them before the ban was in place. His father owned them actually,” Sonny said. “He broke the window in with the gun, reached in and opened the door. The office called the police, but he was already inside.” They were in the building now, shattered glass still on the floor. Rafael had to swallow back the bile that was rising in his throat. He followed Sonny down the hall, the familiar path towards Sebastian’s classroom. “Police were en route, Sebastian’s classroom was the closest. From what we’ve been able to gather, the students were going into the supply closet when he got the door open.” They paused at the door, and Sonny shook his head. “You don’t have to go in there Barba. I don’t know that you want to honestly.” 

“What time did it end?” he whispered. 

“The police were here and the building was secure by 12:30,” Sonny said. Rafael had to put a hand out and brace himself on the wall or he was going to collapse. The emotions were crippling. 

“Open the door,” he said softly, and Sonny hesitated. “Open the fucking door Carisi or get the hell out of my way.” Rafael could picture the chaos. The school panicking, the kids being herded into the back of the classroom, lights turned out, doors shut and locked. Huddling in the corner, scared, holding hands, their teacher trying to comfort them. He could see it clearly. Sonny finally opened the door, and Rafael took a few seconds to breathe before he went inside. There was a faint coppery smell, and it increased his nausea. It was dark in there, so Rafael reached for the light, his finger catching on a bullet hole in the wall. He staggered back against the door, breathing harshly. 

“Do you want to--” Sonny trailed off, and Rafael didn’t even have it in himself to say anything. He stood there for a few minutes, getting ahold of himself. They were only five. He could only imagine the terror when the door finally opened. He forced his eyes open, finding the light this time and flicking it on. There was dried blood everywhere, on the floor, splattered on the wall, and he grabbed onto Sonny, steadying himself. 

“Where was he?” he asked softly. 

“Rafael, that’s not--” 

“It is important. Carisi, tell me where the hell he was,” Rafael said dangerously. Carisi ran a hand over the back of his neck. 

“I’m not exactly sure. The officer I talked with said he was somewhere over there,” Sonny said, gesturing towards the back left of the classroom. Rafael took a few shaky steps towards the area. 

“Did anyone make it out?” he asked softly. 

“Three students did from this class,” Sonny said. “A little boy and two girls.” Rafael walked around for a couple minutes, fingers tracing over bullet holes, taking in everything he could. He was sure he wouldn’t forget that scene anytime soon. He sunk down against the wall, pressing his face against his knees and sucking in air. “Rafael, I think we should go. This is a lot. You don’t have to look at this.” 

“Get your hands off me,” Rafael hissed, pulling away from Sonny who had barely brushed his shoulder with his hand. He closed his eyes. Had his son laid in this spot, bleeding? He still had so many questions that were unanswered. “Did he die in here?” he asked softly. 

“I’m not sure Rafael. It’s kind of a mess,” Sonny said. “I’ll ask.” He sat there, his chest heaving. He could feel the tacky blood on the floor against his fingers. That could be Sebastian’s blood or any of the fourteen five year olds who had been murdered. Fourteen little babies who would never go home to their parents. It made fury burn inside of him, and he felt angry tears bubbling to the surface. He shot up to his feet, swiping at his face. There was a bookshelf not far from where he was and he lashed out, shoving it over and sending it crashing to the ground. 

“Who the hell kills five year olds?” he spat. The room looked so different from when he had been that at the beginning of the year. It was dark and ruined like some sort of nightmare. There wasn’t supposed to be blood and bullet holes in a classroom at an elementary school. Sebastian wasn’t supposed to be dead. He paced around for a few seconds, hot tears burning his eyes and throat. He overturned a desk next, barely containing a scream of rage. Two more desks and he was breathing heavily, tears streaming down his cheeks. He interlocked his hands over his head, trying to calm down. He saw something familiar poking out of the cubbies at the side of the room, and he started towards them quickly. His hands shook as he reached into the little shelf with Sebastian’s name tag on it, pulling out his little red backpack, and Rafael hugged it to his chest, sliding down to the ground again. That was when he lost it completely. 

“Rafael,” Sonny said softly. “I think you’ve had enough.” 

“He doesn’t like blood,” Rafael whispered. “He had to be so scared. He loved anything red, but not blood.” 

“Rafael, come on,” Sonny said. “Let’s get out of here.” Rafael finally let Sonny guide him out of the classroom as he clutched the little backpack in his hands. On the way to the car he spotted the bathroom that Noah must’ve hid in and his heart sank. 

…………….

Rafael was having a good day. A busy day, but a good one. He had to finish up some paperwork after his hearing, and then he was free to get lunch with Liv which didn’t work out nearly enough of the time. He worked quickly, finishing his brief in record time before he stood up, throwing his jacket on, and leaving the office. “Carmen,” he said, as he shut the door. “I’m going to lunch with Liv. I’ll be back in an hour.” She simply nodded at him, so headed out of the building and caught a cab to Forlini’s. Liv already had them a table. “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hi handsome,” Liv replied, reaching for his hand as he took a seat. 

“How’s your day been?” He asked, and she smiled. 

“Oh, you know, busy,” Liv sighed. 

“I mean it was kind of a miracle we made it out of the house this morning, so it started out hectic,” he said with a laugh, and Liv nodded. 

“We still need to get our Christmas tree. I was thinking maybe we could do it this weekend. I’ll get all the decorations down, and hopefully Sebastian won’t break half of them this year,” Liv said with a laugh, and Rafael snorted, sipping at the drink the waiter brought him. It was nice finding a little bit of alone time. They were constantly dealing with screaming children which was rewarding in so many ways, but Rafael felt like he hadn’t been alone with Liv in forever. 

“Sebastian will probably want the biggest tree he can possibly find. Probably one that won’t even fit,” he said, and Liv laughed. 

“I guess you’ll have to make it fit,” she said. 

“Yeah cause he’ll throw a fit if I don’t,” Rafael grumbled. “We’re gonna get sap all over the carpet. Getting a real tree is so much work.” 

“Yeah, but the kids love it,” Liv reminded him as their food came out. She was right. They would be so disappointed if he didn’t take them out to pick a Christmas tree. 

“When is the Christmas play?” he asked. Sebastian had been so excited to be in it this year, and he needed to make sure he didn’t miss it. 

“Christmas Eve,” Liv said, and he nodded, making a mental note to tell Carmen and the detectives that someone better be dying if they bothered him on Christmas Eve with a call or a case. 

“Noah was being weird this morning. He’s been so quiet recently,” Rafael said. “I’m a little bit worried.” 

“Maybe we can talk to him later,” Liv said. Lunch was a nice break from a hectic work day, and Rafael was sad when it was over. He kissed Liv goodbye, catching a cab back to his office. He was barely in his office when someone barged in to talk with him. He was in the middle of the meeting when Carmen poked her head in the door. 

“Mr. Barba,” he didn’t notice it right away, but there was something odd about her tone of voice. 

“Carmen, I said no interruptions,” he said. 

“Mr. Barba, it’s your kids,” she said, and he felt something inside of him go cold. He grabbed his jacket, mumbling something about rescheduling as he yanked his coat on. When he made it out the door, he turned to Carmen. 

“All my kids? One of them? Where the hell am I going?” he asked. She texted him the address, and ushered him out into a cab. Little had he known that his life was about to go to hell. 

…………….

In the car, Rafael felt numb again. Numb and horrified. He was holding onto Sebastian’s backpack as tight as he could. His hands were shaking as he unzipped the little bag, and a sob escaped him when he saw the snacks he had packed for Sebastian mere days ago. He had packed him snacks and sent him to school, and then he never saw him again. He had been eating lunch while his son was murdered. He wanted to know when exactly Sebastian died, where he died, what happened. He needed specifics. The thoughts kept racing through his mind, and he needed to know. “Sonny, what was his name?” he asked softly. Sonny was quiet for a couple minutes. 

“Ty Addison, he was eighteen,” Sonny finally said. Rafael nodded, shutting his eyes, and lowering his head until he was pressing his face against the rough fabric of the little backpack that he had picked out with Sebastian. He had taken him school shopping, and they got him new clothes, a backpack, a haircut. 

“Can you please find out for me where Sebastian died and when,” Rafael said softly, and Sonny didn’t answer. “I need to know.” 

“You don’t have to torture yourself,” Sonny said. “It wasn’t your fault that he died. You don’t have to do this to yourself.” 

“I need to know. Somehow…” Rafael trailed off for a second. “Somehow it makes me feel like maybe he wasn’t alone. He didn’t have to go through that all by himself. He was just a baby Sonny. He was probably terrified.” 

“I don’t think we should go home yet,” Sonny said. “Would you be okay with going to church for a little bit. I think you need some space to calm down.” Rafael didn’t have it in him to argue, so he nodded. It had been a little while since he had been to church because of work. Usually his mother would take the boys to Mass on Sundays and then bring them back. He was cold when he climbed out of the car, and he held tight to the backpack, refusing to let it go. Sonny guided him into the church, and Rafael felt out of place, like he didn’t belong. “Breathe. I know you’re upset right now, just take some deep breaths.” Rafael followed Sonny’s advice, taking a deep breath through his nose and letting it out slowly through his mouth. “Good. How about you give me the backpack? I’ll keep it safe. I promise.” Rafael clutched it to his chest, unsure if he was willing to let go of it even for a half hour. “I won’t let anything happen to it. It’ll still be here when you’re done,” Sonny said. Rafael reluctantly handed it over. “I’m gonna wait for you out here. I’ll give you some privacy.” Rafael nodded, slowly venturing further into the church. He was teetering on a steep cliff, feeling completely broken. He simply took a seat in the pews at first, lowering his head and trying to calm down. The atmosphere was calming and quiet, and it did help to an extent. He sat there, his eyes closed, breathing slowly, in and out. 

“Rafael, is that you?” the voice startled him, and he looked up through teary eyes at Father Mike. 

“Father, I--I’m sorry, tonight has just been….” he trailed off. 

“You want to move over a little bit? Let me sit down,” Father Mike said kindly, and Rafael nodded, scooting over and wiping at his face. “Do you have anything you want to talk about?” 

“Maybe we should go to the confessional,” Rafael said softly. Guilt was eating him alive. 

“Let’s just sit here and talk for now,” Father Mike said, and Rafael nodded, taking a deep breath. 

“I’m dealing with a lot of anger,” Rafael admitted softly. “And guilt. I feel like my life is falling apart.” He took a few moments, trying calm himself down so he wouldn’t start crying again. “The morning Sebastian died, I-I yelled at him. I lost my temper, and that was something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. The last thing I ever did was yell at him.” He couldn’t hold back the tears no matter how hard he tried. He felt so guilty. How had he yelled at his son over something so trivial as papers from his briefcase? It didn’t matter at all. 

“You don’t need to carry the weight of your father’s sins Rafael, that’s a heavy burden to put on your shoulders. How many times in, let’s say, the last year have you yelled at one of your children?” Father Mike asked. Rafael swallowed heavily, thinking. He could count them on one hand. He kept tight control of his emotions, unable to stomach the thought of being anything like his own father. He would do anything to avoid yelling, going to take a walk or just into another room to get ahold of himself. 

“Three times, maybe,” Rafael whispered. 

“You made a mistake, which I’m sure feels amplified due to the fact that you didn’t get to make it right, but Sebastian knew you loved him,” Father Mike replied. Rafael had always been grateful for Father Mike. He always seemed to know what to say to help him. 

“And since he died, I’ve been a mess. I’m so angry and scared. I’ve been yelling at Liv. She’s just as hurt as I am, and I can’t seem to pull myself together even for her sake,” Rafael said. “We got into a fight about Noah.” 

“That’s your grief Rafael. Try to find a better way to let your emotions out. You’re not trying to hurt her, and you’re not actually angry with her. You’re angry at the man who killed your son, and that is something you are going to have to work through. It’s only been a few days. You can’t expect yourself to cope this soon. You lost a child,” Father Mike told him. Rafael wiped at his eyes again. “Talk to her, apologize when you lose your temper. If you need me, I’m always here if you want to do some counseling. You both need to try and communicate so you can support each other.” 

“I don’t feel like I can support her when I can barely stand on my own. I’m completely falling apart. I don’t know how to be there for her,” Rafael said. 

“That’s where the communication comes in. Ask her what she needs. The effort will mean a lot,” Father Mike explained. Rafael nodded, sniffling. 

“And the squad, the detectives, they have been helping us so much. They’re taking care of my kids and me. I feel like I’m doing nothing at all,” he said. “Carisi, he’s been there for me, doing everything I ask.” 

“You need good friends at a time like this. What you’ve described to me is normal. You haven’t really wronged anyone Rafael. If you feel guilty, apologize to them. You need to find ways to forgive yourself. You’re holding yourself to impossible standards.” Rafael nodded. It was hard for him to internalize the words, but maybe if he kept telling himself the things Father Mike was saying, he might eventually be able to believe it. “Tell them you are thankful. Expressing that will help you feel a little better.” 

“Thank you Father,” Rafael whispered. “I feel--I feel better.” He felt more at peace than when he arrived, and that was a relief. 

“I know you wanted absolution, but you don’t need it for this. I’ll see you at Mass on Sunday?” Father Mike asked, and Rafael nodded. “Alright, take care of yourself Rafael. You know where to find me.” Once he was alone again, Rafael dropped down to his knees, bowing his head and shutting his eyes as he pulled his hand down from his forehead and across his chest. He prayed for the first time in a long time, asking God to help him find a way through this mess. He certainly wasn’t going to be able to do it on his own. When he finally stood again, he felt more like himself than he had in awhile. He quietly made his way from the sanctuary, spotting Sonny waiting for him. Carisi handed him the backpack and he thankfully took it back into his hands. They walked out to the car quietly, and Rafael buckled himself in, turning to Sonny as he started to pull out. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and Liv and the boys. Especially for me. You’re helping me to get through this. I’m sorry that I’ve yelled at you, and I’ll probably do it again. Know I don’t mean it.” 

“That’s what friends are for Rafael,” Sonny said softly. “I’m here for whatever the two of you need.” He was glad when they finally made it home. He wanted to see Liv and his sons. He needed to see them. When he got in the door, he took his shoes off, making his way into the living room. Liv was laying down on the couch, Noah cuddled up against her side. Rafael assumed Noah was asleep. He took a seat in one of the chairs, and Liv looked at him. Her eyes were puffy like she had been crying some more, and he had to swallow back some tears of his own. Seeing her struggling so much was hard for him. 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hi,” Liv whispered, running her fingers through Noah’s hair. 

“How is he?” Rafael asked. 

“Not good,” Liv whispered. “He’s been crying since you left, but he finally fell asleep thankfully.” 

“Can we….can we talk?” he asked softly. Liv looked at Noah unsurely. 

“I can keep an eye on him,” Sonny said, coming into the room. 

“Thanks Sonny,” Liv said. “Really, you’ve been a lifesaver.” He smiled softly. Liv careful extracted herself from Noah’s arms, and Rafael stood up with a groan. They headed back to the bedroom where they could get some privacy. “Is that….” she trailed off, looking at the backpack, and he nodded. He handed it over to her, and she looked it over, tears building in her eyes. “Are you okay?” She asked softly, and he shook his head. 

“It was a lot,” he whispered, and Liv set the backpack down, swinging her legs up on the bed and beckoning him forward. There was no  _ I told you so _ , no anger, she just took him into her arms and he let himself go. He let himself cry, and after everything he saw in that school, he needed it. He felt safe and comforted as he pressed his face against Liv’s shirt. She rubbed his back, offering silent support. She didn’t ask about the school, and he didn’t blame her. He knew she wasn’t ready to know, and she might never be. Her fingers dragged through his thick hair, and it helped him to calm down. It felt good to be so close to her again. It was like they hadn’t talked in ages. 

“You were a really good Dad to him,” Liv whispered, and that brought more tears to his eyes. It meant more than he could express. 

“I miss him Liv,” he whispered. “Everyday, my heart breaks just a little bit more.” Liv brought a hand to his jaw, tilting his face up so he would look at her. 

“I miss him too Rafa,” Liv whispered. They were both crying now, their bodies tangled up on the bed. It was the closest he’d been to her in days. “I miss you.” Her voice was soft, and he looked to her. He missed her too. He missed feeling close. They were always in sync, like they could read each other's mind, but the last few days, he felt like he was the farthest from her that he’d ever been. He couldn’t just look at her and know how she was feeling. It was unfamiliar territory for them both. He nodded. 

“I don’t want to feel so distant,” he whispered. “I’m trying.” Liv looked at him for a minute before guiding him towards her lips, and he went along with it, craving the closeness that seemed to have disappeared into thin air. It was tentative and clumsy at first, their noses bumping, but they quickly melted into the kiss, lips moving against each other, his hands running shakily down her back. It took a few minutes, but he started to relax, to remember and fall back into the familiar motions. He knew Liv’s body like the back of his hand by now, but in a way it felt like their first time all over again. Her tongue was making him feel light headed. He felt more at home than he had in weeks as he clutched at her, breaking away to kiss that spot on her neck that made her gasp every time without fail. Every brush of her lips against his skin felt like she was putting him back together, at least temporarily. Feeling close to her and having something to pull him up when he felt like he was drowning made all the difference in the world. 

“Do you want to…” She looked at him unsurely, her voice breathy, and he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he could or how he would feel. All he knew was he wanted to keep being this close to Liv. He wanted to keep feeling. He had been so numb for days, but now he was feeling more and more. 

“We can try,” he whispered. Liv nodded, going back to kissing him. She reached for his shirt, lifting it from his body and letting it drop to the floor. She ran her hands down the now bared skin, kissing his pecs and shoulders before making her way back up to his lips. She was practically in his lap at this point, and he could feel the heat and arousal traveling south. His hands were shaking as he reached for her shirt. He pulled it over her head, getting his hands on warm skin. He struggled with the clasp of her bra for a second, but he finally got it off, checking her eyes to make sure she was doing alright. She tangled her fingers in his hair, pulling him back in for a kiss as he cupped her breast. His mouth covered her soft moans, and his body was responding more and more. He could feel himself stirring in his pants, and he could tell Liv did as well because she shifted her weight so she was putting more pressure on his cock, and he gasped. He hadn’t been sure if he would be able to perform with all the emotions coursing through him, but it was looking promising. Liv stroked her hand over his cheek and through his hair, pulling him for a few more kisses before her hands dropped questioningly to his pants. He swallowed and nodded as she started on his belt buckle, pulling it open and unzipping his pants. She paused though, running her hands down his sides, over his ribs, and shutting her eyes. He leaned his head against her own, shutting his own eyes. He was feeling emotional. He felt guilty too, guilty for enjoying himself so soon after Sebastian died, but he needed this. He needed Liv. He was falling apart and she was keeping him together somehow. 

“Are you okay?” Liv asked softly, and he nodded, but tears were filling his eyes. 

“I’m good,” he said. “I want you, please.” Liv stroked his cheek before she started pulled his jeans down his hips. They got tangled around his legs, and she had to work to get them off. It was clumsy and certainly not as coordinated as usual. He was distorting his boxer briefs, and Liv smiled. She kissed his cheek, brushing away a few tears. 

“I love you Rafa,” she whispered, her voice shaky. He started undoing her pants, pulling them off her hips. He needed to feel more, to feel all of her. She was so soft and warm, he never wanted to move. Liv lifted herself up, helping him to get the pants off and next came her panties. He was always breathless when he got to see her like this. They had been together for five years and she still managed to take his breath away. She pulled on his briefs, easing them down his legs and dropping them onto the floor. She checked his eyes again before wrapping her hand around him, stroking him a few times. It was a little dry, chafing his skin, but he shivered all the same at the sensations. He smoothed his hands down to Liv’s hips, holding onto her as she sunk down around him. He threw his head back, moaning loudly. 

“Shit, Liv,” he whispered. She gripped onto him, their bodies so close together, skin sticking with sweat. He kept one hand on her hip, the other on her breast and she gently started rocking her hips. He grunted softly, and she leaned her forehead against his. The sensations overwhelmed him at first, and he just hung onto her, but soon the heaviness was clear. They were both on the verge of tears, their bodies moving against each other. The rhythm was off at first, neither of them getting it quite right, but after a couple minutes, they started to find something that worked for them both. 

“A little harder,” Liv whispered breathlessly, and he nodded, trying to meet her movements better, to get some leverage so he could do as she asked. “Oh,” she breathed. His hand trailed down her back along the curve of her spine, fingers trailing over damp, slick skin. They were so close, he was losing track of where his body ended and hers began, and that was the way he wanted it, the way he needed it. Her lips pressed against his skin felt perfect, her body connected with his, their skin sticking together. He was getting closer and closer to the edge faster than he wanted to admit. “I’m almost there,” Liv mumbled, and that made him feel better. 

“Me too,” he said, leaning his face down against her shoulder. He was desperate now, moving much faster than before. It had been slow and sensual, the emotions overtaking them both throughout, but his movements were becoming frantic. He dropped his hand to Liv’s clit, trying to help her along. He knew exactly how much pressure she liked, the circular movements drawing beautiful noises from her lips. The feeling of her clenching around him as she fell over the edge did him in. He practically blacked out for a few moments, opening his eyes and feeling dizzy, all tangled up against Liv. “I love you,” he whispered, tears dripping down his cheeks. “Oh God, I love you more than anything.” 

“I love you too Rafa,” Liv whispered, her arms tightening around him. Eventually, he had to lay down, and they rested together, her head on his chest, an arm thrown across his midsection. He had his arm curled under her, around her back. Just laying with her made him feel good. He was starting to feel the grief and the sadness seep in again, but he clutched at Liv, trying to hold onto the peace from church and from her soft touches. He never wanted to move. Maybe if he stayed in Liv’s arms, in that bed, he wouldn’t hurt so much. He knew it wasn’t realistic, but he felt so beaten down. “What took you so long to come home?” Liv asked softly after a couple minutes. 

“Sonny took me to church. I was a bit of a mess,” Rafael whispered, running his fingers through her hair. He was quiet for another couple minutes before he spoke again. “I talked with Father Mike. I told him about some of my guilt and my anger,” Rafael whispered. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, rubbing her hand over his stomach. He knew she didn’t want him to feel guilty, but she couldn’t tell him not to when she felt the same way herself. 

“He helped me. I talked through some of it with him. I think I’m going to Mass on Sunday,” Rafael whispered. 

“I am so glad Raf, really,” Liv said. “Thank you for this. I needed you.” 

“I need you too,” Rafael whispered, leaning down to press his lips to the top of her head. “I wanted to do confession, but he said I didn’t need to. I feel a little bit lighter. I’m trying desperately to believe what he said. I don’t think Sebastian would want us to blame ourselves.” His voice broke as he spoke. Liv just held tight to him, and he was glad to have her in his arms once more. It felt right, and that was essential because everything else felt so wrong. “I love you.” He had already said it more than once, but he felt like it needed to be said over and over again. He needed to say it now, so that later, she would know even if things got bad. Liv shut her eyes. 

“I love you too Rafael,” she finally replied. 

“What are we going to do?” he asked softly. “I don’t even know where to start.” 

“I have no idea,” she said. “I guess we just wake up tomorrow and we take care of ourselves, and we take care of Noah and Leo, and that’s the best we can do for now.” She was right. That was all they could do. 

They laid together as long as they could, but there was a knock on the door, and Rafael swore. “Rafael? Liv? Noah needs you,” Sonny said softly. Rafael pulled himself out of bed, getting back into his underwear and finding a pair of pants. Liv made herself presentable before Rafael opened the door. Noah was standing there, tears in his eyes, holding onto Davey, and Rafael’s heart clenched. 

“Dad, I had a bad dream,” Noah whispered, and Rafael ushered him into the room. Noah was clinging again, and he sighed. 

“It’s alright Noah, come lay down with me,” he said softly. Noah nodded, climbing onto the bed where Liv was sitting. He laid between them, resting against Rafael’s side, and Liv wrapped an arm around them both. They laid there, comforting Noah with soft words of encouragement. They promised him that it was going to be okay, that they loved him. Rafael was glad when he finally fell asleep, holding tight to his brother’s teddy bear. Liv saw Rafael eyeing it. 

“He asked me for it. I couldn’t say no,” Liv said. 

“He did buy it for Sebastian,” Rafael whispered. 

“Do you think he’s going to get any better soon?” Liv asked, worry evident in her eyes. 

“I hope so.” 

…………………………..

By the time Rafael got in the door, he felt exhausted. It had been a long day at work, and he was glad to finally get home and see his kids and his wife. He toed his shoes off at the door, hanging his coat up and setting his briefcase down. “Daddy!” Sebastian yelled, bounding towards him, and Rafael grinned, picking him up and kissing his forehead. 

“Hey little man!” Rafael said with a big smile. He carried Sebastian as he made his way into the living room. Lucy was with Leo on the floor, and Noah was nowhere in sight. “Liv isn’t home yet?” he asked, and Lucy shook her head. “Hmm,” he said, looking at Sebastian. “Maybe we should call Mommy, see when she’s gonna be home. Where’s your brother?” 

“Ketchup is right there Daddy,” Sebastian said, pointing at Leo, and Rafael laughed. 

“I meant Noah goofball,” Rafael said. 

“He’s in his room,” Lucy said. “He seemed a little upset honestly.” 

“I’ll go check on him. Seb, why don’t you go watch some cartoons. I’ll be back,” Rafael said, setting Sebastian down. He went down the hall, knocking on Noah’s bedroom door, but Noah didn’t answer. Rafael opened the door, poking his head in. “Noah?” He was sitting on his bed, doing some homework. “Are you okay buddy?” 

“Fine,” Noah whispered. 

“You sure?” Rafael asked. 

“I said I’m fine,” Noah said, so Rafael backed off. He didn’t want to upset Noah. 

“Dinner will be ready soon, okay?” he asked, and Noah just nodded at him. Rafael went back out into the living room with a sigh, letting Lucy go home. He picked Leo up, balancing him on his hip. Sebastian followed behind him, so he picked him up, setting him on the counter while he started dinner. “How was your day?” he asked softly. 

“Good,” Sebastian said. “Me and Brody colored. I sat with Hannah at lunch.” 

“Who’s Hannah?” Rafael asked. That was a name he hadn’t heard before. Sebastian didn’t answer, and Rafael looked up at him. He was blushing a little bit. Rafael couldn’t help the little smile that spread across his face. Rafael laughed a little bit, but he didn’t want to embarrass his son too much. “Here, wash this for me,” Rafael said, handing him a few vegetables. He pulled out his phone as the pan warmed up, dialing Liv’s number. It rang for a couple minutes before she finally answered, sounding exhausted. “Hey,” Rafael said. 

“Hey,” she whispered. 

“Are you coming home soon?” he asked, shifting Leo around. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry. I got stuck on a case,” Liv said. “I’m packing up now.” 

“I’m starting dinner,” Rafael said. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you.” 

“Yeah, see you soon,” Liv said. After he hung up, he turned back to Sebastian. He took the now washed vegetables, setting them on a cutting board. He put Leo on the floor a few feet away with toys so he could free up his hands. 

“Daddy?” Sebastian asked, and Rafael turned to him. “Can I have extra snacks tomorrow?” Rafael smiled again, trying to contain a laugh. 

“Yeah little man, sure you can,” he said. Sebastian helped him finish dinner, and right as they were getting done, Liv finally got home. He took care of the dishes and putting the boys to bed, and when he finally got out of the shower, Liv was laying down, scrolling through her phone. He crawled under the covers, and she turned to kiss him. “Hey,” he whispered between brushes of their lips. 

“Hey,” Liv said back. She rested her head on his chest, and he closed his eyes. “Long day?” she asked. 

“For sure,” he whispered. “You want to hear something funny though?” 

“Hmm?” she asked. 

“I think Sebastian has a girlfriend,” he said with a snort. 

“Wait, really?” Liv asked, and he looked down at her, nodding. 

“He told me he ate lunch with some girl named Hannah, and I asked him who she was, but he wouldn’t answer. He just kind of blushed at me,” Rafael said, and Liv laughed. 

“Well, he is your son,” Liv whispered. 

“Hey now,” he protested, and she laughed again. “It’s cute,” he whispered after a couple moments. “Maybe he’ll invite her over.” 

“Mmm, our five year on a date,” Liv said, smiling against his chest. She pressed a kiss over his sternum. 

“He is growing up so damn fast,” Rafael whispered. Sebastian was getting bigger and more independant every day, and Rafael wasn’t sure how he felt about it. It was bittersweet. He would just have to enjoy what he could while he still had the chance.

…………………

Rafael was wrapped up in his ratty Harvard pullover, sitting on the couch like a zombie. He was continuously not doing anything, everyday, all day. He didn’t even want to get up to get a shower. “Rafa?” Liv asked, coming into the living room. “Do you want something to eat? I’m making Noah some lunch.” Rafael shook his head. 

“Nonsense darling, you need to eat something,” his mother said, appearing behind Liv. “And Liv, you go sit down. I’ll make the food. You two need to take it easy.” Liv hesitated, but she finally nodded, taking a seat beside Rafael. He was glad to see her having somewhat of a good day, but he was having a really bad one. He didn’t want to drag her down with him. Liv wrapped her arms around him. 

“Can I do anything for you? Do you want to talk?” she asked, but he shook his head, resting it back against her. “Noah is laying down. He said his head hurts.” That made Rafael’s heart ache. Noah wasn’t getting any better despite their best efforts to comfort him. He was beginning to worry more and more. 

“What are we going to do with him?” Rafael asked softly. Liv didn’t get a chance to answer as Noah appeared from around the corner, rubbing his eyes. Lucia was in the kitchen, holding Leo as she made everyone lunch. 

“Mommy,” Noah whispered, crawling up on the couch. Rafael moved so Noah could sit with Liv. She wrapped her arms around him. 

“Shhh Noah,” Liv said. “It’s alright. Let’s just take some deep breaths.” Noah hid his face against her shirt, shutting his eyes. He hadn’t barely left the house since everything happened. 

“Abuelita is making you some lunch,” Rafael said. 

“I’m not hungry,” Noah whispered. 

“I’m not either buddy, but we both need to eat,” Rafael whispered. He would make himself for Noah’s sake. His mother brought them all sandwiches, and Noah made a face but started picking at it after Rafael took a bite of his own. 

“Alright, I’m going to put this little guy down for his nap, and then I need to go take care of a few things at my work,” Lucia said, leaning down to press a kiss to Rafael’s forehead and then Noah’s. “I think Detective Carisi is going to be coming by.” Rafael nodded. 

“Thank you Mami,” he whispered. 

“De nada Rafi, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said before adding, “You should probably get a shower.” 

“Mom,” he groaned, but Noah laughed a little bit. Liv smiled at him, but he just shook his head. They sat there eating for awhile, quiet until Sonny’s voice rang out in the apartment. 

“Hey guys,” he said with a smile. 

“Carisi,” Rafael said softly, nodding slightly at him. Sonny was quiet for a couple minutes before he looked at them. 

“Maybe you guys should go out today, get some fresh air,” he said. Rafael sighed, shutting his eyes. He felt dizzy even thinking about it. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. 

“Come on, Christmas is in two days, you guys need a tree. I’ll drive. We can go pick something nice out,” Sonny said. Rafael knew Sonny was right. They should probably go outside a little bit, do something to distract themselves. He had no desire to decorate for Christmas though. It was so painful even just to think about. He had other people to think of than himself though. He had Noah to worry about. Noah needed something normal, something fun to get his mind off all the fear that was festering inside of him. 

“Okay,” Rafael finally said. “Apparently, I need to shower first though.” Noah giggled again, and the sound warmed his heart. He headed to the bathroom, getting a towel and some fresh clothes to change into. The warm water felt nice as he stood under the spray, letting it wash over his hair and his face. He cleaned up, styling his hair, shaving and brushing his teeth before he finally was ready to leave. Liv made him put on a scarf with his winter coat, and they bundled Noah and Leo up before piling into Sonny’s car. Noah was timid, clinging tight to Liv as he sat beside her in the car. Rafael was in the passenger seat. When they pulled up by the tree lot, Noah started to breathe heavier. 

“Noah,” Liv said softly. “It’s okay. Dad and I are right here. We’re just going to get a Christmas tree.” Noah struggled for a few minutes before he finally agreed to get out of the car. Rafael held Leo while Liv kept ahold of Noah. As they walked around looking for a tree, Noah scrunched up against Liv’s side every time someone approached. Rafael looked around, and at first, he couldn’t bring himself to care about the tree, but then memories began to flash before his eyes. Sebastian running around, grinning excitedly as he picked out the biggest tree on the lot, begging Rafael to buy it. He always looked so cute in his little winter coat, his cheeks reddened by the wind and cool air, a hat that was too big for him almost covering his eyes. He looked at trees and thought about if Sebastian would hate it or love it. That was what got him interested. It wasn’t until he saw a massive tree, one that would barely fit in their door, that he knew they had the perfect one. That was the one Sebastian would pick out. He stopped in front of it. 

“You like that one Barba?” Sonny asked, and Rafael nodded. “Let me go find Liv and Noah. We’ll see what they think.” As he stood there, he felt himself tearing up, and he turned to Leo. 

“What do you think little man? Do you like this one?” he asked. 

“It’s biiiig,” Leo said with a smile, and Rafael nodded. 

“That’s right bud, it’s big,” he whispered. When Liv stopped beside him, her breath caught in her throat. 

“He would like this one,” she said softly, and Rafael met her gaze, nodding softly. Noah looked at it. 

“What do you think Noah?” Rafael asked. Noah shrugged. “Do you like it?” 

“It’s nice I guess,” Noah whispered. 

“Alright, I think it’s settled,” Sonny said. “Head back to the car, I’ll get them to load it up.” 

“Don’t you need my card?” Rafael asked, and Sonny shook his head. 

“This one’s on me. We’re gonna stop for some hot chocolate too before we head back home.” Sonny said. “How’s that sound Noah.” Noah genuinely smiled at that, and that made Rafael happy. He was so worried about his son. Rafael guided Noah towards the car, and Leo was happily toying with Rafael’s scarf the whole way over. Once they were in the car, Rafael leaned over the seat, looking back at Noah. 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it Noah?” He asked, and Noah shrugged. “Are you excited to put the tree up?” 

“Who’s gonna put the tinsel on?” Noah asked, and Rafael’s heart hurt. That was always Sebastian’s favorite part. 

“Maybe Leo can,” Liv said softly. Rafael swallowed, trying to ignore the pain. Every reminder of Sebastian felt like a stabbing pain that twisted inside of his chest. Sonny took a couple minutes, helping them to get the tree secured on top of the car, and then he was climbing back inside and driving. 

“Alright, hot chocolates, what sizes?” he asked. Rafael wasn’t in the mood, but Sonny was being so kind. He didn’t want to be rude. 

“Just a small,” he whispered. 

“Noah?” Sonny asked. 

“Can I have a medium?” he looked to Liv, and she nodded. 

“Sure you can bud,” Sonny said. “Liv?” 

“I’ll have a medium too. Thanks Sonny,” she said. 

“It’s the least I can do,” he said. After they got their drinks, they headed back to the apartment, and Rafael and Sonny had to carry the tree upstairs. It was a pain to shove into the apartment, but it was so worth it in the end. He knew that Sebastian would love how big the tree was. Noah looked a little better, sitting on the couch, sipping at his hot chocolate. Rafael sat next to him. 

“Are you doing okay?” he asked. Noah shrugged a little bit. “We’re going to figure this out. I promise. I know it’s really scary right now.” 

“Thanks,” Noah said. Rafael ruffled his hair. 

“Who wants to listen to some Christmas music?” Sonny asked, coming into the room and starting some. “Where do you keep your decorations? I can get them down, and we can start putting stuff up.” 

“They’re in the closet in the hallway,” Rafael said. “Up on the top in a box.” Sonny nodded, disappearing down the hall to get them down. “You want to help me put the lights on the tree?” Rafael asked, and Noah thought about it for a second before nodding. Usually Noah would help him put the lights on before they all hung decorations. Rafael usually would put the star on, and Sebastian loved to throw tinsel all over the tree. When Sonny came back they opened the box, and Rafael pulled the light strands out. He checked all the bulbs, replacing the ones that were out, and then Noah helped him to string them up around the tree. Next, Sonny pulled out the ornaments, and Liv appeared with Leo. They all hung little ornaments all over the tree, candy canes and a few homemade ornaments. Rafael had to stop when he picked up one that had a baby picture of Sebastian. They had one for each of the boys. He hung it on the tree after a few moments, choking up as he looked at it. Liv rubbed a hand over his back when she saw what he was looking at. Rafael put the star up, and then all that was left was the bag of red tinsel that was waiting for them. Rafael stared at it and so did Liv. No one moved to do anything with it for a few moments before Noah grabbed it. 

“He’d be sad if we didn’t put tinsel on,” Noah said, grabbing a handful and putting it on the tree. Rafael knew he was right. He picked Noah up a little bit, helping him to put it all over. Sonny pulled out stockings, handing them to Liv, and Rafael helped her start to hang them. One said Rafa, one Liv, then Noah, and Rafael paused at Sebastian’s stocking. He hung it up after a second despite the pain. Liv put Leo’s up, and then the house was finally decorated. Rafael felt empty. He usually loved Christmas, loved the extra time he got to spend with Liv and the boys, but it didn’t feel the same without Sebastian. His family wasn’t whole anymore. 

“You okay?” Sonny asked. Rafael just swallowed. 

“I’m going to lay down for a bit,” he finally whispered before heading back towards the bedroom. He closed his eyes and hugged a pillow to his chest as he laid in the dark, trying not to dissolve into tears. 

………………….

 Rafael was leaning on the counter, a smile on his face as he watched Sebastian. He was sitting on the couch, giggling with Hannah as they watched a movie. Rafael had been excited when Sebastian asked about inviting her over. He thought it was way too adorable that Sebastian liked her so much. He was so shy about it too. Whenever Rafael asked him a question, he would blush and shrug his shoulders. 

“Do you want popcorn?” Sebastian asked. Rafael smiled. Hannah said something to him, and Sebastian got up, hanging over to the back of the couch and looking at Rafael. “Daddy, can we have popcorn and apple juice?” 

“Sure,” Rafael said, pushing himself up with a grunt. He started the popcorn, getting two cups and pouring them juice. He took them both a bowl of popcorn and their juice, and Sebastian gave him a look when he lingered too long. Rafael laughed softly as he went back to the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Liv said, coming into the kitchen. “How’s it going?” 

“It looks like they’re having fun,” Rafael said. “Sebastian keeps glaring at me if I get too close.” Liv laughed. 

“He is such a goofball,” Liv whispered. 

“Where’s Noah?” Rafael asked. 

“I was helping him with some homework. Leo is napping,” Liv said. 

“And Sebastian is on a hot date,” Rafael joked. Liv smiled, pulling him closer. 

“I wanna take you out on a hot date,” she whispered, and he laughed. She pulled him in for a kiss, slotting their lips together perfectly. 

“You can have all the hot dates you want,” he murmured between pecks of their lips. 

“Eww,” Sebastian’s voice startled them, and when Rafael pulled back, he saw Sebastian standing there, holding out his empty cup. “I want more juice.” 

“And I want to kiss your Mom,” Rafael said, and Sebastian looked at him grumpily. Rafael laughed again before filling Sebastian’s cup with more juice. “Go kiss your girlfriend so I can kiss mine,” Rafael teased, and Sebastian glared again. 

“You’re weird Dad,” he said. “That’s gross.” Rafael laughed again, pulling Liv close as Sebastian made his way back to the couch. 

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing,” Rafael whispered, and Liv smiled against his lips. 

…………………….

Rafael and Liv had been up for hours before they finally decided to get Noah and Leo up to open presents. Noah was asleep in their bed, as he had been most nights since the shooting. Rafael didn’t feel much like celebrating, but they had bought lots of presents for the boys. Liv was waking Noah up while Rafael went to get all the presents and put them under the tree. They were tucked in a closet, the door locked so Sebastian and Noah wouldn’t get into them early. He started pulling them out, different wrapping paper for each boy. Every red present made him stop, tears in his eyes, and he put them aside in a separate pile from Noah and Leo’s presents. They had bought so many things for each of them. He loved going to the store with Liv, picking out presents, imagining how the boys would look when they opened them. He picked up armfuls of Noah’s presents, carrying them out to the tree and tucking them underneath it. It took him a few trips to get them all out there. Then he started on Leo’s presents, and the only thing left were Sebastian’s. He had no idea what to do with them. He didn’t want to put them under the tree, but they couldn’t just keep them all packed up like that. He shut the door for the time being. He needed to talk with Liv before they made a decision. He slowly walked back out to the living room, but no one was out there yet, so he poked his head into the bedroom. Noah was just sitting up in bed, looking down at his lap. “Noah, what’s going on?” he asked. 

“My tummy hurts Dad,” Noah whispered. Rafael took a seat on the edge of the bed. 

“Well, maybe we can get you some ginger ale. We’re gonna open presents now. Do you want to come out and see what you got?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded softly after a moment. “Alright, great, come on buddy. Let’s try to have a nice time.” He guided Noah out to the living room, and Liv was just coming out with Leo who was tiredly rubbing his eyes. Noah sat down on the floor, and Rafael pushed his presents towards him. He started opening them one by one, and Rafael savored the smiles on his face. They were so few and far between these days. It was a small amount of joy among the misery he was feeling. Noah seemed to like his gifts, the mets shirts and video games they bought him, and he was grateful. Liv helped Leo open his presents, and he was all grins, a sort of childish happiness that wasn’t tarnished by the grief and fear that affected the rest of them. Rafael was starting to choke up as he sat there, wishing Sebastian was there to share the happiness. He would be sitting there, tearing his gifts open, all smiles and making them laugh. He’d probably insist that everyone put on a Santa hat, and he’d make Rafael watch the Grinch with him for the thousandth time. It was all Rafael wanted. He excused himself without opening anything Liv had bought him, going back to the bedroom instead. He took a seat on the edge of the bed, trying to hold his tears back. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t help it. He missed Sebastian more than anything. He needed to get out of the house. He needed to go see him. Rafael stood up, pulling on some jeans, making himself presentable. He grabbed his wallet, tucking it into his pocket, and putting on a coat and a scarf. 

“Rafa?” Liv called from the living room, spotting him in the hallway as he put on a pair of shoes. She stood up, leaving Leo with Noah for just a couple of minutes. “Where are you going?” she asked. 

“Noah needed some Ginger Ale,” he lied. “I just need some space for an hour or two. My Mom should be over soon.” Liv looked at him for a couple of minutes. She always had been able to read him. He never lied to Liv, in fact, he made it a point not to, but he was only trying to spare her. Just because he wanted to go see Sebastian didn’t mean she needed to know that. It would only upset her. She finally nodded, and he went out the door. The cool air felt nice on his skin. He flagged down a taxi, not feeling up to driving himself. When he got to the cemetery, he shoved his hands in his pockets as he slowly walked through the rows of graves, the cold air biting into his skin. He stopped when he reached Sebastian’s, staring at it for a couple minutes. It was so wrong, so out of place. It was not right. He slowly approached it, kneeling down beside the headstone, tears running down his face. “Oh Seb,” he whispered. “I should have protected you.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to calm down. It felt good to be near Sebastian on Christmas, to be with him. “I love you. I’m sorry this happened to you. We won’t ever forget you Seb, I promise. I didn’t protect you, but I will protect your memory. I promise.” He pressed his face into his hands, unable to hold in the sobs that he had been trying to contain. He was shivering in the cold air, but he wasn’t ready to leave. He wiped at his face. He wished he had done so many things differently. He wished he had told Sebastian every single day how much he loved him. He wished he had gotten him everything he asked for. He knew it wasn’t rational, but he was full of regret all the same. There were things he couldn’t change, but there were things he could still do. He wanted to do something, something Sebastian would have loved. It took him only a few moments, but he knew exactly what he was going to do. He sat at the grave until his fingers were so numb they tingled, and then he finally dragged himself up to his feet and headed towards the road. He called himself a car, wrapping his arms around his midsection as he stood there. The car finally pulled up, and he climbed in. “Take me to a pet store,” he said softly. It was warm in the cab, and he felt himself slowly regaining feeling in his fingers and toes. 

When the man pulled up in front of the shop, Rafael paid him before heading inside. It smelled, enough to make him wrinkle his nose. There were reasons why he had said no to the puppy initially. They didn’t have time to take it outside, to train it. He wasn’t sure how they were supposed to keep it occupied when they were gone for most of the day. As he walked through the rows of fish food and chew toys, he thought about the pout on Sebastian’s face when he told him there would be no puppies. He had been thinking far too practically, not considering that life was so short, that he only had so long to give his children everything. Now he was painfully aware. There were cats and dogs, hamsters, fish. It was a pet lover’s dream. He lingered at each of the cages with a puppy inside, looking them over. They were all cute, little with big eyes. He didn’t want anything huge that could cause real damage in the apartment. He wanted something smaller, something that hopefully wouldn’t shed too much or make too much noise. He knew that wasn’t really practical though, so he continued just looking around until he found a cute little dog with reddish fur. It was small and calm, laying down quietly unlike many of the other dogs around it. He read the information card beside it. It was a boy, a nine week old dachshund, and he was already in love. He was so small and cute, and Rafael loved how calm he was. He got one of the employees to help him get the cage down, and he had paperwork to fill out, and then he picked out a bed and a collar and some toys that he paid them to deliver to the apartment. He took the puppy himself, walking the few blocks to the apartment with it. He remembered at the last minute to stop at the bodega on the corner for Ginger Ale. When he got up to the apartment, he paused at the door for a second before opening it, and setting the cage down as he took his jacket off. 

“Rafi? Is that you Mijo? We’re watching the Grinch, and I have a turkey in the oven for dinner,” his mother called. 

“I brought a surprise,” he said, taking his shoes off. He opened the cage up, pulling the dog out and holding it carefully. It’s fur was soft against his hand, and he brought it up close to his face, kissing the top of its head. It licked his face, and he laughed. He came into the living room where Liv was sitting on the couch with Leo, Noah with Lucia, and Leo was giggling at the tv. Liv looked at him as he came in the room, and it was like she didn’t notice at first, but then her eyes locked on the small dog in his arms. He could tell she was angry already, but Noah’s face lit up brighter than Rafael had seen in weeks. 

“A puppy!” Noah yelled, bursting off the couch and running towards him. Rafael knelt down, letting Noah pet him. 

“His name his Ketchup,” he said softly, and Noah looked at him, understanding in his young eyes. Rafael wished he didn’t have to deal with any of this. He was too young. 

“Puppy,” Leo said, squirming until Liv let him down. 

“Be gentle with him,” Rafael said, and Leo carefully ran his hand down the dog’s head. 

“Can I hold him?” Noah asked, and Rafael nodded, helping Noah to sit down and hold Ketchup carefully in his arms. 

“Do you like him?” Rafael asked. 

“I love him Dad,” Noah said, kissing Ketchup’s head, and the dog looked around curiously. Leo shoved his way over so he could pet the dog. 

“Puppy,” he said again. 

“Do you like him Leo?” Noah asked, and Leo nodded. Rafael stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I also got Ginger Ale,” he said softly, jerking his head towards the door. “I’ll go get it.” He went back and grabbed the bag, going to the kitchen to put it in the fridge, and Liv followed him. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “What the hell. A dog!? We agreed we weren’t going to get one.” 

“Things have changed,” he whispered. 

“Changed?” she scoffed. “You--” she paused, peeking out at their sons who were on the floor with the puppy. “Come on.” He followed her back to the bedroom, his heart sinking. He had hoped she would understand why he did it. “You said you were going to get Ginger Ale,” she whispered once the door was shut. “You brought home a puppy. You lied to me.” 

“I wasn’t planning--” 

“You’re right, you weren’t. You didn’t even talk to me Rafael. You keep doing this. You make decisions, you do whatever the hell you want. I understand you miss Sebastian, and when you bring home a dog named Ketchup, I understand it’s because you miss him, but that doesn’t make all the reasons why we decided not to get a dog suddenly invalid. I miss him too,” Liv whispered. 

“Liv--I-” he trailed off. He didn’t even know what to say because she was right. He had gone behind her back. He hadn’t asked. He was messing everything up. He couldn’t save Sebastian. He had no idea how to possibly help Noah, and now Olivia was angry with him. 

“Now if we take the dog back, I’m the bad guy,” Liv said. “You’ve put me in a hell of a position Rafa.” He shut his eyes, tears starting to drip down his cheeks. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He was just trying to get through, to survive this hell that was suddenly his life. He couldn’t take another loss. He already felt like he was going to burst, to fall apart and crumble entirely. 

“He wanted a puppy,” he whispered, laying down. He couldn’t hear a word she was saying anymore. He just felt miserable. He couldn’t breathe. He knew that losing a child ripped apart marriages, and he didn’t want to lose the only thing that was keeping him together at the moment. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t trying to upset her like this. He curled up on his side, shutting his eyes and letting the tears stream down his face, and he felt a hand on his arm. He could vaguely hear Liv’s voice, but he couldn’t tell what she was saying. He felt the bed dip with someone else’s weight, arms wrapping around him, a body pressed against his back. Her arms were strong, keeping him close, and he sobbed. Hand clutched in the sheets, he tried to regulate his breathing. Rafael tried to calm down. Losing his shit wasn’t helping. Liv probably thought he was just trying to make her feel bad. She had a right to be angry with him. 

“That’s it,” her voice whispered by his ear. It was soft. “Breathe Rafael. It’s okay. I’m right here. You need to breathe. We’re going to figure this out. I know you’ve had a rough day.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Shhhh, I know. You need to breathe, in and out,” Liv said, and he tried to do as she said. “It’s going to be okay.” It took him a little bit, but he finally managed to calm down, to breathe enough that he started to recognize his surroundings. He started to come back to himself. “That’s good Rafa.” Liv pressed her lips to his cheek, and he leaned into it. 

“I’m sorry Liv,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I--I miss him so much. He wanted a puppy. He begged me for a puppy, and we said no, so I thought….I don’t want to lose you though. I am terrified that this is going to tear us apart.” 

“You won’t lose me,” Liv said softly. “We can make it through this Rafael. It won’t be easy. We might fight, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That’s what you told Noah. I still love you. I won’t stop loving you. Sebastian wouldn’t want us to lose each other, so we’ll fight like hell.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“How about you take a few deep breaths, and you and I can open our presents. I love you, it’s okay,” Liv said. “I miss him too. It’s sweet that you bought him a dog, that you named it Ketchup, and we’ll figure it out.” 

“I went to his grave,” he whispered. “That’s where I was. I just wanted to see him on Christmas, and then I--I couldn’t stop thinking about the things that I didn’t give him. I wish we would have given him a puppy, I wish we would have given him everything because he only got five years Liv, and he deserved so many more.” 

“He was happy Rafa. He was a happy, vibrant boy, and we loved him with all our hearts,” Liv said. He nodded, sitting up, wiping at his eyes. 

“I’m going to get some water. Then we can open presents,” Rafael said softly, and Liv nodded, settling on the bed to wait for him. He went out of the room, going to the living room where Noah and Leo were still sitting with Ketchup. He went over, kneeling down and picking the dog up. It made him feel better. He kissed his soft fur. “I love you,” Rafael whispered, petting him. “I love you guys. Mom and I are going to be out soon, and we’ll have Christmas dinner, okay?” Noah nodded, looking happier than Rafael had seen him in a long time. Rafael handed the puppy back to Noah, getting himself a glass of water before going back to the bedroom. He opened the drawer to the nightstand, pulling out the box he wrapped for her. He handed it over, and she started to pull the paper off. He watched as she opened the box, tears filling her eyes. 

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered. “I love it.” She pulled the bracelet out of the box, and he helped her secure it around her wrist. 

“The diamond is from me,” he whispered. “Then I had them put the boy’s birthstones in it. They helped me pick it out.” Liv leaned up on her knees, pulling him closer for a kiss. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.” 

“You’re welcome,” he said softly. “I’m glad you like it.” After a few more moments of admiring her gift, she handed him a square box. He pulled off the paper, carefully lifting the lid to reveal a very expensive looking watch. “Liv, oh my God,” he whispered. He gently pulled it out, turning it over, and there was an engraving on the bottom of the timepiece. It read:  _ We love you more with every second-- Liv, Noah, Sebastian, and Leo.  _ “Thank you,” he whispered. “This is gorgeous.” 

“You deserve the best,” she whispered, and he smiled. 

“I really am sorry about the puppy. I just thought--” 

“I know. Maybe it won’t be so bad,” Liv said, squeezing his hand. “Let’s go be with our boys.”

…………………….

Noah was sitting on the bed, and Rafael sat next to him. “How are you feeling?” Rafael asked. Noah shrugged. “I know things are changing a lot, really fast, but you would tell me if you were upset, right?” Rafael asked. 

“Yeah,” Noah said softly. 

“Okay, are you ready to put your tux on?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded after a minute, standing up. Rafael pulled his suit down for him, helping Noah to get into the shirt and button it up. He tied Noah’s bowtie, folding the collar down over it carefully. He held Noah’s jacket for him, and the little boy slipped into it. Rafael gelled Noah’s hair carefully before getting him settled on the bed while he put on his own tux. The shirt was the first thing he pulled on, getting it buttoned, and then his pants. He looked at himself in the mirror as he dressed himself, knotting his bowtie. Then he did his hair, snapping his cufflinks on, and putting on his shoes. He was shaking with nerves, but he wanted nothing more than to go out there and get married. He was so ready for it. He had been ready for a very long time. 

“Dad?” Noah’s voice was tentative, and Rafael’s head whipped around. Noah hadn’t taken to calling him Dad. Usually he just went with Rafa, and Rafael was fine with that. He had told Noah from the beginning that they would take it at his pace, but hearing Noah call him Dad brought tears to Rafael’s eyes. 

“Yes Noah?” Rafael asked. 

“How long are you and Mommy going to be gone?” he asked. 

“Two weeks, but we can talk everyday on the phone if you want. We can skype. It’ll go really fast, I promise,” Rafael said. “You’ll have fun with Aunt Amanda and Jesse.” 

“When is Mommy going to have the baby?” Noah asked. Rafael smiled. 

“It’ll be a couple months,” Rafael said. Noah was about to ask another question when Sonny poked his head in the room. 

“Are you two ready? Liv is getting a little antsy. I think she wants to start,” he said. 

“Yeah, we’re coming,” Rafael said. He left Noah in his spot before he headed up to the front, smiling at Judge Barth who had graciously agreed to officiate. His Mom was sitting in the front row, smiling at him. He could already see the tears building in her eyes. She had been ecstatic when they told her they were engaged. She was so excited to see their wedding, to have grandchildren. She had smacked him upside the head when he told her Liv was pregnant though. 

The rest of the squad was sitting there, waiting for them to start, and after a moment, Sonny took a seat in the audience as well. Rita was there for him, and she smiled when he caught her gaze. Liv had invited Nick which Rafael hadn’t loved, but he was happy if she was. He stood there, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he waited for Liv. He was so beyond ready to be her husband. Finally, the music started, and Liv appeared, Noah holding her hand as they walked down the aisle. Tears pricked his eyes. She was so beautiful, the white dress accentuating every curve. Her baby bump was visible, but it made her all the more beautiful. She was glowing. Noah handed her to him with a smile before taking a seat beside Lucia in the front. Rafael took Liv’s hands into his own, looking into her brown eyes. “Hey,” he mouthed, and she smiled. 

“Hey to you too,” she whispered. She was enough to calm him down and make his heart soar all at the same time. He barely heard any of the ceremony, just looking into her eyes instead. The vows he said were from memory. He wrote them weeks beforehand, but they weren’t anywhere close to describing how he felt. It was impossible to put it into words. He slid a ring on her finger, tears dripping down his cheeks as she slipped one on his. When he finally got to kiss her, he felt more complete than he had his whole life. All he could focus on was the feeling of her soft lips against his own, her hand in the back of his hair. When they went back down the aisle, he felt so damn relieved. He was finally married to her. She was finally his wife. Noah was so close to being his son legally, and they had a baby on the way. He was a middle aged man, but he felt like his life was just starting, and he couldn’t wait. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright here's chapter 2. I've been overwhelmed by the positive responses so far. Thank you all for your love and support. Let me know what you think!

Rafael was laying on the couch, Noah asleep on top of him, Ketchup curled up right beside him. Noah had taken to the dog incredibly. He would rarely leave Ketchup’s side, but it did make it easier if Rafael needed to leave him with Sonny for an hour. Liv had been in the bedroom all day, and he was giving her space. She didn’t seem to want to talk no matter how much he tried. She was having a bad day, and he knew exactly how that felt. She needed space to grieve. Every day that passed where Sebastian was gone hurt worse and worse. Tensions were fraying between them, small things triggering arguments that they tried to keep quiet for the boys’ sake. Rafael ran a hand over the top of Noah’s head. He was just taking every day, one at a time. His phone started buzzing beside him, and he grabbed it, picking it up and taking a look at the caller ID. It was Noah’s school. Rafael hated the name of that school. He was sure he would forever. He hit accept though, and he brought the phone up to his ear. “Hello?” 

“Mr. Barba, were just calling to speak with you about your son, Noah’s attendance.” Rafael knew exactly where the conversation was going. Noah was getting to the end of the days he was legally allowed to miss. He wanted to yell at them. He was sick and tired of the school calling him about Noah. They had allowed his son to die. They hadn’t protected Sebastian, and the same event left Noah far too traumatized to handle a school day, muchless to go back in the building where all his trauma originated. He wasn’t sure what to do anymore. They needed to make a decision. They needed to figure out if they were going to take Noah out of school, if they would homeschool him or move schools. They had mostly avoided talking about it though. They couldn’t wait much longer. Rafael very carefully eased out from under Noah and Ketchup, draping a blanket over his son and kissing his forehead before heading down the hall to check on Liv. He knocked on the door, but she didn’t answer. When he opened the door, she was just laying in bed, a lump under the covers, and he sighed. 

“Liv,” he said softly. She sniffled. 

“What?” she asked softly. He came inside, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He rubbed her back gently. 

“Can I get you anything honey?” he asked. She shook her head. “Have you eaten anything today?” 

“I had some toast, remember? You practically shoved it down my throat,” she whispered. “What are you really doing in here?” 

“I’m checking on you,” he said. 

“Don’t lie to me Rafael. I yelled at you earlier for the fussing. What do you want?” she said. 

“The school called about Noah again,” he said. 

“He needs to go back eventually,” Liv said. “He needs to get back on a daily schedule of some sort, even if it’s not at that school.” 

“He’s not nearly ready for that Liv. Do you see him? He still sleeps in our bed almost every night, and when he doesn’t, it’s only because he has Ketchup,” Rafael said. 

“And you won’t take him to see anyone,” Liv said. “He needs help, he needs to go back to school. Some sort of school. He’s going to fall behind Rafael.” 

“We can’t push him. If we take him to see someone, they’re going to put him on medicine. He’s ten. He needs to deal with the trauma,” he said, and Liv scoffed. 

“He’s not dealing with it Rafael. He’s not going to. You coddle him at every turn,” she said. He clenched his jaw. “Would it be so bad if he just talked with someone?” 

“I don’t think he needs to yet,” Rafael said. “Give him a few more weeks.” Liv shook her head. 

“You don’t even really want to talk about this. You don’t want to do anything. Just go out there and coddle him or whatever you want to call it,” Liv said, turning over. “I want to be alone.” Rafael sighed, standing up. He shook his head, leaving the room and shutting the door. Liv was trying to push Noah too soon. Maybe she thought he was coddling Noah, but he was trying to protect him. He was trying to make sure that Noah felt loved and safe. The moment they started pressuring him, he was going to break. Sending him back to that school was just going to make everything worse, and Rafael didn’t think sending him to any school was going to be good. He needed to take it easy for awhile. Noah hadn’t shown any interest in talking with anyone, and Rafael worried that meeting a stranger may be traumatic for him. He also didn’t want to put Noah into the system for any sort of mental health issue. He was just being cautious. Noah was only ten and he worried about doctors pushing medication on them. Liv wanted him to have a more structured day, but Rafael was not ready to send him back to school. He hoped that they could figure something out because it was getting down to the line. Pretty soon he was going to end up in court, explaining to a judge why his son wasn’t in school. Rafael rubbed a tired hand over his face. He was exhausted. He was tired of fighting, tired of living in a world where Sebastian was gone, and he was tired of being weighed down every day by his grief. 

*******

“Ketchup!” Leo squealed, laughing as he threw the toy. Rafael smiled, rubbing his back as they watched the dog chase it down. Rafael savored every moment he spent with Leo. Leo was so happy all the time, and it was infectious. He could smile when he was with Leo. The apartment suddenly erupted with the sound of Noah screaming, and Rafael stood up. 

“Leo, stay here. I’ll be right back,” he said. He headed down the hall, going into the bedroom where Liv was sitting with Noah on the bed. Noah was red faced, snot sticking to his skin, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Noah, hey, look at me,” Liv said. “I just want to go to grocery store, you’ll be with me. It’ll be alright.” 

“No!” Noah screamed, starting to hide his face. Rafael hated seeing him this upset. 

“Liv,” he said softly, and she leveled him with a death glare. 

“Noah, come on, really, it won’t be that bad,” Liv said. “I’ll get you some ice cream.” Noah suddenly shot up from the bed, running out of the room, and Liv swore softly. “Thanks for the help,” Liv said, looking at him. “He needs to go out in public.” 

“You’re scaring him,” Rafael said. “You’re pushing him too far. He’s not ready. Do you see the way he reacted?” 

“He reacted that way because you give him what he wants when he cries. Sometimes you need to give him tough love instead of exactly what he wants Rafael,” Liv said. 

“That’s not fair,” he said. 

“It’s not fair that I have to be the actual parent here,” Liv said before going after Noah. Rafael took a seat on the bed, laying down and shutting his eyes for a second. That was low, and she knew it would cut him deep. That was why she said it. 

He was tired of this. They were fighting everyday almost, and it was getting to be a lot for him him to handle. They needed to find a way to talk better, to communicate. They needed to make some decisions about Noah, but Liv didn’t seem to want to talk to him. He took another couple moments to get himself together before he went back out into the living room, taking a seat beside Leo again. Leo made him feel okay. 

*******

His phone was ringing, again. Rafael was getting so tired of answering. He grabbed it, mashing it up against his ear. “I know you’re calling about Noah’s damn attendance,” he said before hanging up. They only had a few days left. He stood up from the couch, going to find Olivia. It took him a few minutes before he found her, sitting with Noah in his room as he slept. He jerked his head towards the door, and she quietly got up to follow him. “The school called again Liv, we need to figure this out.” 

“Sitting at home and doing nothing isn’t helping him,” Liv said. “It’s just reinforcing his fear. We’re not pushing him at all.” 

“If we push him, he’s going to break,” Rafael argued. Liv shook her head, making her way towards the kitchen so they wouldn’t wake Noah up. 

“What would be so bad about moving schools?” She asked. 

“He’s not ready for that. He’s never going to want to get up and go to school, not after what’s happened,” Rafael said. “He’s already not eating, barely sleeping, he cries all the time.” 

“Then why don’t we take him somewhere? Get him help. He can’t cope with this on his own,” Liv was getting frustrated. It was the same old fight. He said the same things, she argued the same things, and they weren’t getting results. He opened his mouth, but she cut him off. “There isn’t even a point to you saying it. I already know what’s coming.” 

“Liv, come on,” he whispered. “We can’t keep doing this.” 

“I’ve offered you solutions. You won’t take any of them,” Liv said, and he shook his head. 

“You have got to be kidding me. Blaming me for this is unbelievable,” he said. 

“You won’t change your mind or compromise at all Rafael. You don’t even have a solution,” Liv said. 

“I don’t know that there is a solution Liv,” he said. “Look around, we’re falling apart. Noah is falling apart.” 

“We don’t have time to wait this out. We have to do something,” Liv said. “This is way too much for him to be dealing with on his own. He needs someone to help him. He needs to talk to someone or he’s just going to keep getting worse.” 

“He’s been doing a little bit better with Ketchup,” Rafael said. Liv rolled her eyes. 

“That dog isn’t going to fix this,” Liv said. “He’s like a safety blanket. What if we found someone who wouldn’t jump straight to medication? Would you consider letting him just talk with a professional?” 

“How do you know they won’t?” Rafael asked. 

“Because I know him personally. We could call George Huang, just have him sit down with Noah, talk to him, and do an assessment,” Liv said. Rafael thought about it for a couple minutes, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Okay fine,” he finally whispered. “I guess that wouldn’t be so bad. Could he do it here though? Noah will be stressed out enough by meeting a new person.” 

“Fine,” Liv said. It was a relief to make some sort of decision, even if they still had a long way to go. 

“We haven’t agreed on anything in ages,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Liv said. “It’s exhausting.” 

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” he said. 

“I know,” Liv replied. “Here, come here.” He took a step closer, and he pulled her into his arms. It was the closest they’d been in weeks. All the fighting made the house so tense, and Rafael was sleeping in Sebastian’s room or on the couch for nights at a time. There were days where they would just avoid each other to avoid the fighting. She held him close, running her hand through his hair, and he felt more at peace than he had in a long time. Chances were, there were going to be more fights very soon, but he wanted to revel in the small victory. 

********

“Daddy?” Leo’s voice started Rafael, pulling him from the fog of sleep. He squinted, his vision slowly acclimating so he could see his son. He blinked away the tiredness, sitting up in Sebastian’s bed. 

“What do you need Leo?” he asked, reaching for the two year old. Leo held out his arms to be picked up, and he hugged Rafael as soon as he was up on the bed, next to him. 

“I’m hungry,” Leo said softly. Rafael yawned, hand going to his back as he stood. 

“Are you? Well I guess I better feed you then,” Rafael said, and Leo giggled. “What are you hungry for? Broccoli?” Leo shook his head, smiling. “Hmm, how about celery?” 

“No Daddy, cereal,” Leo said. Rafael smiled at him, and Leo smiled right back. Leo was such an easy two year old. He rarely threw tantrums unlike Sebastian who had been fussy and difficult to deal with. Rafael poured him a bowl of cereal, adding milk and putting it in front of his son. He was about to sit down when his phone started to buzz again, and he sighed, his head hurting. He pulled it out, hitting accept and bringing it up to his ear. Liv had already called George Huang, but he wasn’t going to be able to fit Noah in for another few days. First, he had to fly to the city when there was a break in his schedule. 

“Hello?” Rafael said tiredly. 

“Mr. Barba, I’m very sorry to call you again, but today is the last day Noah can miss school. You’re going to need to either bring him in tomorrow or transfer him. You need to make some sort of decision. Your wife isn’t answering her phone,” the secretary said. Rafael sighed. 

“Can I call you back? I need to go find her,” he said. 

“I apologize, but the principal wants an answer,” she said. Rafael clenched his jaw. 

“Liv?” he called, but she was nowhere to be found. It made him really angry that the school was pushing Noah like this. He felt like he was being backed into a corner, and he didn’t like it. They hadn’t protected his kids, and now they were making it worse. “So what are my options? Noah is not ready to return to school. Do you people not understand how he’s been affected by this?” 

“I’m very sorry Mr. Barba, but state--” 

“I know, you’ve told me. I know it’s not your fault,” Rafael said. He didn’t feel like he had any options anymore. If they didn’t send Noah to school, they were going to get themselves in legal trouble. They didn’t have any sort of doctor’s note, and they weren’t going to get one for a couple days. His only choice was to withdraw Noah from the school. “I’ll be withdrawing my son from school,” he said. “We’ll homeschool him.” 

“You’re going to have to fill out paperwork, you need a plan into the superintendent within four weeks. It has to outline all the curriculum you will use for Noah. A list will be sent to you of the necessary subjects. Every quarter you will need to send an update with Noah’s grades and a description of what progress he’s made. At the end of the year, he will need to take an exam to determine his progress relative to his peers. If you have any questions, feel free to call me back,” the secretary said, and Rafael felt like he had been hit by a truck. He had so much to do and no idea where to start. When he hung up, he swore softly, running his fingers through his hair. He heard the fax machine fire up back in his office, and he groaned softly, standing up to go find the papers. There was a big stack of them, so he grabbed a pen and sat down at the table, starting to fill them out line by line. He heard the door open, and then Liv was coming inside, shedding her jacket. 

“Where the hell were you?” he asked. 

“I had to run to the store,” Liv said. “Noah has another stomach ache. I was getting something that he hopefully will eat. What are you doing?” 

“I needed you. Noah’s school called me, and I had to make a damn decision,” he whispered. 

“You what!?” Liv asked, her eyes going wide. 

“I withdrew him from school,” Rafael said. 

“Rafa, what the hell, we  _ never _ made that decision,” Liv said. 

“We never made  _ any  _ decision. I don’t know what the hell you expect me to do when the school calls me and demands an answer,” he said. 

“You could have called them back,” Liv said. 

“They told me I couldn’t,” he said. 

“That’s bullshit Rafa, you have some bite. You’re telling me you couldn’t have convinced them to wait an hour?” She asked. 

“Well if you would’ve answered your phone, I wouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place,” he bit back. “Sit your ass down and stop yelling at me. We need to figure this out.” 

“We have no idea how to homeschool him,” Liv said. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I bought us some time,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “We can call my Mom. We have four weeks to get them a plan for his homeschool, and we can figure it out.” 

“George will be here next week. I still think he should try school again Rafa,” Liv said. 

“And I don’t think he’s ready,” Rafael said. 

“He’s never going to want to go back if we let him stay home for the next year,” Liv said, and Rafael sighed, leaning his head back against the wall. The issue wasn’t simple, and he knew they both wanted what was best for Noah. 

“Let’s ask George because I honestly don’t think we’re going to agree on this. We can go with whatever he thinks. If he says school, we’ll find a private school or send him to my Mom’s school, and if he says to keep him at home, we’ll figure that out too,” Rafael said. Liv nodded after a second, reaching across the table for his hand, and he let her take it, squeezing softly. 

“We’ll figure it out,” Liv whispered, and he sighed in relief. That was one big problem out of the way. “Hand me some of those papers,” she said, grabbing a pen and starting to help him fill it out. It felt like a temporary truce, and he just hoped it would last. 

*******

A bone deep tiredness was keeping him in bed. He kept his eyes shut, holding onto a pillow and relaxing. He had no motivation to get out of that bed any time soon. He moved his face away from the damp spot on the sheets where his tears had dripped down and settled. It was starting to irritate his skin. He sniffled, feeling overwhelmed by emotions. It seemed like every time he had a good day, it would be trampled by four bad ones. He cursed at himself. He should be up with Noah, helping Noah and Liv and Leo, but he was so exhausted. He swallowed again, sniffling, wrapping his arms around himself and turning over to try and get comfortable. He swallowed heavily, trying to avoid another wave of tears. 

“Rafa, I need your help,” Liv said, opening the door. He groaned at the sudden onslaught of light. “Rafael, come on.” 

“Liv, I don’t feel capable of sitting up, muchless helping with whatever you need,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’ve been laying around for two days, I know you’re having a bad day, but I need your help. I can’t do this by myself,” Liv said. Rafael just shut his eyes again. “Fine, you know what, just stay here. That’s fine.” He could tell she was perturbed with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not enough to get up at least. He was alone for another long while before the door opened. 

“Dad?” Noah’s voice was soft. Rafael sighed, wiping at his face and turning over. 

“Yeah?” Rafael asked softly. 

“Are you okay?” Noah asked, coming over to the bed. He took a seat on the edge over the covers. 

“I’ll be okay Noah,” Rafael whispered. He didn’t want his son to have to worry about him on top of everything else. 

“I brought Ketchup. I thought he might make you feel better,” Noah said, and as if on cue, Rafael felt a cold little nose pressing against his skin. Rafael forced himself to sit up, to pet Ketchup and smile at his son. “Mommy is crying,” he whispered, and Rafael’s eyes went wide. 

“What happened?” he asked. 

“Leo is sick,” Noah said. “He won’t stop crying, and I was sad, but I’m feeling better.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Rafael whispered. Ketchup licked Rafael’s hand as he sat curled up in his lap. 

“Do you want to watch a movie with me?” Noah asked, and Rafael smiled a little bit. That was always what he offered Noah to try and distract him when he was having a bad day. 

“Sure,” Rafael said even though he definitely did not want to watch a movie. He wanted to go back to sleep, but Noah was trying to help him, and he was going to let him. Noah turned on the tv, picking out a movie and scooting closer to Rafael. Rafael just kept petting Ketchup, trying to calm himself down, to stay present. He was holding back a mess of emotions, a melt down. Noah’s hand curled around his own, and Rafael squeezed. “Thank you Noah,” he whispered. 

“Are you and Mommy fighting because of me?” Noah asked after a little while, and Rafael sighed. 

“Mommy and I just wanted to make sure we made the best decision possible for you and for Leo. We didn’t agree with each other, but we still love each other lots, and it’s not your fault,” Rafael said. Ketchup nudged Rafael’s hand when he stopped petting him, and Rafael smiled down at the little dog. 

“Is that why you’re sad? Cause you and Mommy had a fight?” Noah asked. 

“No,” Rafael whispered. “I’m sad about Sebastian.” 

“Oh,” Noah said. “He would’ve liked Ketchup.” 

“Yeah,” Rafael murmured. “He would’ve loved him. I just wish he was here to see him.” 

“Are we ever going to stop being sad?” Noah asked. 

“I don’t know buddy, probably. We’ll stop feeling so sad, but we’ll always miss him. We can’t forget about him.” Rafael said. Noah nodded, and Rafael wished that somehow he could explain it. Noah didn’t understand that with every passing day, they would be further from Sebastian. They would start to forget exactly what he looked like, what he sounded like. Rafael could hear his little voice in his head. He could hear him cheering and laughing, crying, screaming, and he missed all of it. He wanted Sebastian back even if all he did was scream all day every day. Rafael started sniffling, trying to hold his tears back, but he wrapped an arm around Noah, pulling him close and trying to contain them. “Mommy and I are very sad because we love you all so much, but you don’t have to worry about us Noah,” Rafael said after a moment. “We’re here to take care of you, okay?” Noah nodded, and Rafael turned his attention back to the movie, trying not to cry. He hoped Liv was okay. He still didn’t have enough energy to actually get up. Swinging his legs off the side of the bed and standing felt impossible. For two whole days, his motivation to do anything had been nonexistent, and he felt bad, but Liv had her days as well where she didn’t do anything. He knew she was probably just getting overwhelmed, and he wished that he felt like he could help. Noah rested his head against Rafael, petting the dog as they watched the movie, and it was the nicest Rafael had felt in days. 

********

Noah was sitting on his bed, Ketchup in his lap, and Rafael was beside him. The little boy appeared nervous, and Rafael wasn’t surprised. “He’s really nice Noah. He’s your Mom’s friend, and I’ll be right there with you, okay?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded. 

“You’ll sit beside me?” Noah asked after a second, and Rafael nodded. 

“I won’t leave if you don’t want me to,” Rafael promised. “Now come on, let’s go out to the living room. You just need to tell Dr. Huang the truth. Whatever it is, that’s okay.” George wasn’t there yet, but he was due to arrive any minute. Rafael had been trying to prepare Noah and give him plenty of warning beforehand so he wouldn’t be overwhelmed. He had known that Noah might struggle with meeting someone new, and he was already showing signs of anxiety. Rafael kept a comforting hand on Noah’s back as they walked to the couch, and he sat right beside Noah to try and keep him calm. The last thing he wanted was for Noah to be scared. “If you start to get upset, I want you to tell me,” Rafael said, and Noah nodded. Noah shifted around nervously when he heard a knock on the door, so Rafael reached out, putting a hand on his arm. Liv answered the door, letting Dr. Huang in, and Noah shrunk back a little bit on the couch. 

“Hi Noah,” George said softly. “I’m George, you think it’d be okay if we talked for a little bit?” Noah nodded slightly. George sat down pulling out a notebook and a pen. “I like your dog, it’s cute. What’s its name?” 

“Ketchup,” Noah said softly, petting the dog who was settled on his lap again. George chuckled. 

“Why don’t we start out nice and easy, you want to tell me what your favorite color is?” George asked, and Rafael smiled. He hoped Noah would start to feel more comfortable. 

“Blue,” Noah said. George smiled disarmingly, and he asked Noah some easy questions about his age and his birthday. He sighed softly after a couple minutes, sitting back and watching Noah carefully. 

“Noah, do you think it would be okay if we talked alone for a little while?” George asked. Noah looked up at Rafael unsurely. Rafael felt protective. He didn’t want to leave the room, to leave Noah alone, especially not if he was scared. Noah nervously toyed with a blanket on the couch. 

“I’ll be right in the other room,” Rafael said softly, trying to go along with what Huang wanted no matter how much he wanted to keep Noah in his line of sight. 

“I guess,” Noah whispered, and Rafael smiled, feeling proud of him. He kissed Noah’s forehead before heading down the hall to give them some privacy. He tried to find something to do, and he ended up filling out some more of the paperwork he needed to finish. He only had a few pages left of the first part. 

“You okay?” Liv’s voice was soft, and he looked up to see her standing at the door. 

“Fine,” he said softly. 

“Are you mad at me?” She asked, coming closer, and he just shook his head. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” Liv whispered. She wasn’t wrong. It was like they were living in different houses sometimes. 

“I’m just so tired,” Rafael whispered. 

“Me too Rafa,” Liv said. “I’m surprised Noah wanted to be on his own.” 

“I wouldn’t say he wanted to,” Rafael replied. “He was willing to after some nudging. I can’t say I love leaving him in there all on his own.” 

“George is nice. Trust me, he only has Noah’s best interest at heart,” Liv said. 

“No offense, but I don’t really know him,” Rafael said.

“My opinion isn’t good enough for you?” Liv asked, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Frankly, no,” he said. 

“So you don’t trust me anymore?” Liv asked. 

“It’s not like you trust me to do anything,” he whispered. 

“I trust you,” Liv said, and he snorted, looking up at her this time. 

“That is bullshit, Liv. Bullshit. You yell at me for making normal decisions about our son. You don’t trust me,” Rafael said. “Just leave me alone. Please.” He laid down on the bed, throwing an arm over his face. He felt so miserable. It felt like their relationship was holding on by a thread. He closed his eyes, fighting tears. He had just said some very hurtful things to the person he loved most in the world. He was tired, so tired of fighting with Liv, tired of fighting to stay above water. He took a few minutes, trying to pull himself together, and he felt the bed dip beside him. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean that.” 

“I’m sorry too, for yelling at you,” she said. “I think we need some sort of change Rafa. We can’t go on like this.” He pulled his arm back, looking up at her with broken eyes. 

“You don’t mean….” he couldn’t even say the words. 

“No, no, I just mean we need to do something. We’re barely holding on. Maybe it’s not just Noah who needs some counseling,” Liv said. Rafael looked at her for a couple minutes. 

“Okay,” he whispered. He knew they needed something because if they kept this up, they wouldn’t have a marriage left. Their family would be in shambles. 

“Okay,” Liv whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you too Liv, more than anything,” Rafael replied. He scooted over, leaning against her, and they stayed like that until George called for them. It was relaxing to be so close to her, closer than he’d been for a long time. 

When he made it to the living room, Noah was quietly sitting with Ketchup on the couch. He didn’t look overly upset, but he wasn’t smiling. George was gathering up some papers. “Thanks for talking with me Noah. I’m just going to talk to your parents now, okay?”

“Okay,” Noah said. 

“Why don’t you go back to your room for a little bit,” Liv said. “We’re just going to talk with Dr. Huang for a few minutes, and then I’ll come back.” Noah hesitated, but he finally stood up, heading down the hall with the dog at his side. Rafael took a seat, taking a deep breath. “What do you think?” she asked. 

“I’m concerned,” George said. “He’s displaying signs of PTSD, school refusal, and he is extremely hypervigilant. I think he needs to see someone on a regular basis for a little while. I can get you some names, someone who won’t push medication on you unless it is completely necessary. As for the school issue, I don’t think he’s ready to go to a full day. I think getting him back on a schedule at home would be the best option to finish the year out. He needs to do work, to get up and sleep at regular times. The dog is helping him a lot I think.” 

“Is it treatable?” Rafael asked. 

“Yes, I think with some therapy, he should recover. Try to use the dog as an incentive to go outside. He feels safer with Ketchup,” George said. “Continue to love him and support him, and consult his therapist before you push him. There will be a time when that is necessary.” Rafael nodded. He was glad that Noah was hopefully going to be able to get better. Seeing him break down like that was so painful. “How are you two holding up? I am so sorry to hear about your son,” George said. 

“We’re trying,” Rafael whispered. Liv looked at him for a second before she spoke up. 

“We were actually hoping to find a grief counselor or do some sort of family counseling. Losing Sebastian has been….it’s been a lot,” she said. 

“I can make some calls,” George said. “If you need anything, you know you can call me at anytime, correct?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Liv said. “Really George, thank you so much.” 

********

Noah was refusing to leave Rafael’s side. He was practically glued to his father and had been all morning. Rafael finally settled on the couch with him, holding him close and rubbing his back. “I’m right here buddy,” he whispered. Noah pressed his face into Rafael’s stomach and he sighed, running his fingers through Noah’s curls. He turned on a movie in case Noah decided he wanted to watch, and he held him and shushed him when he cried. It was becoming almost second nature to Rafael at this point. He felt awful that Noah was so upset again. They had him an appointment set up with one of the people that George had recommended, and Rafael felt much better about him seeing someone who he knew wasn’t going to try and push medication on his ten year old when it wasn’t necessary. He needed to call his mother, but Noah was being so clingy. He wanted a little bit of privacy. Noah didn’t need to hear everything he wanted to say. 

He glanced at the clock. She was at lunch now. It was really the best time for him to make the phone call. He sighed, pulling his phone out and dialing her number, and it only rang for a couple minutes until her voice filtered through the speaker. “Hello?” 

“Mami, it’s Rafi,” he said. 

“Oh Darling, how are you doing? How is Liv?” she asked. Rafael sighed, running his hand over the top of Noah’s head. 

“We’re doing what we can,” he replied softly. “I’m actually calling you about Noah.” 

“I can watch the boys this weekend if you need,” she offered. 

“No, that’s not it. I had to pull Noah from school. We’ve decided to home school him for the rest of the year, but we have no idea what we’re doing. I have to fill out this Individualized Home something or another. Por favor, I need your help,” he said. 

“Claro que sí, Rafi,” his mother said, and he sighed in relief. “I can come over tonight after work to get you started, and then this weekend, we can talk more.” 

“Thank you, you’re a lifesaver,” he whispered. If she was coming over, he could talk to her then. He needed someone to talk to, and usually he would just talk to Liv, but he couldn’t really do that at the moment. He needed to get some things off his chest, to get some advice. Everything that was going on was so overwhelming for him. 

*******

He was making dinner, Noah clinging to his side when there was a knock on the door. “Liv?” he called, and he heard her footsteps coming closer down the hallway. “Can you get the door? My hands are sort of full.” 

“Yeah, sure,” she said. He was glad things were going a little bit better. There were times in the last few days where him asking that probably would have caused a big blow up. 

“Noah,” he sighed when he tried to shift sideways to do something, and his progress was impeded by the ten year old who was practically hanging off of him. “Here, why don’t you sit up here.” He grunted as he lifted Noah, setting him on the counter. He was reminded vividly of lifting Sebastian up there night after night while he was making dinner. Noah scooted closer to him, like he hoped Rafael wouldn’t notice, and he didn’t say anything. “That’s probably Abuelita. You should go say hi,” Rafael suggested, but Noah didn’t move. Rafael didn’t push him. 

“Rafi, mijo, what are you making? It smells so good in here,” Lucia said, and he smiled, letting her kiss his cheek. 

“Pork chops,” he said softly. 

“That always was your favorite,” she said. “Noah, sweetheart, how are you?” 

“Okay,” Noah said softly. 

“Where is Leo?” she asked. 

“I think he’s with Liv,” Rafael said, rotating the meat in the pan. 

“I’ll be right back to help you with dinner darling,” Lucia said before heading down the hall to see Leo. Rafael smiled at Noah, but he was down. It had been a bad day for him. 

“Noah, why don’t you go take Ketchup outside?” Rafael asked. 

“By myself?” Noah asked. 

“No,” Rafael said it sharper than he meant to. Noah hadn’t sounded keen on it anyhow. He took a deep breath. “Go and see if Mom will take you outside, get a little bit of fresh air with her.” 

“I don’t know,” Noah whispered. “I don’t think I want to.” 

“Not even if Mom went with you? It would be right outside,” Rafael asked. Noah shook his head again, and Rafael sighed. “Okay, that’s alright.” He kissed Noah’s forehead. “You’re going to feel better. You hear me? I promise Noah.” Noah nodded. “I love you no matter what. I will always be here for you.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah said softly, sniffling. 

“Could you possibly set the table for me?” Rafael asked. Noah finally nodded and climbed down carefully, carrying plates to the table. 

“You look much better than the last time I saw you,” Lucia said softly, startling him. 

“Today is a good day,” Rafael said softly. “For me at least.”

“I’m glad to see you looking a little better,” she said. “Move over, I’ll help you.” She started stirring the rice and beans for him while he finished off the pork chops. “You look tired though.” 

“I am tired,” Rafael whispered. “I am so tired of fighting. Liv and I are arguing a lot, and I miss Sebastian every day. It’s a lot, and poor Noah needs all the help he can get right now.” 

“Oh mijo, are you and Liv okay?” she asked. He shrugged.

“We’re trying, really hard Mami, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t say we’re okay. We’re going to get some grief counseling. It’s been really hard,” Rafael whispered. Lucia patted his shoulder. 

“I know you’re so tired Rafi, but are you finding time for each other? You need to love her, to show her that you love her. Watch a movie together, get her some flowers. Something small might make a big difference,” she said. She was right. They weren’t really finding time for each other. She needed to see he cared, that he still loved her. Before Sebastian died, he liked to send her flowers sometimes at the office or they would just eat lunch together. Now, it was like they were living two separate lives in the same house. They slept in the same bed some nights, but it felt like they were on two different planets. 

“Thanks Mom,” he whispered. 

“Any time darling. Now let’s have dinner, and we’ll figure out this paperwork mess that you’ve gotten yourself into,” she said, and he smiled softly. They got everyone some of the food, and he went to find Liv while his Mom kept an eye on Noah. She was down the hall, in their bedroom, holding Leo and rocking him as he cried. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“I think he’s just tired, still a little under the weather,” Liv said. Rafael held his arms out. 

“Here, let me take a turn. Dinner is ready if you’re hungry,” he said softly. She handed him over, looking a little bit relieved. He bounced Leo, starting to walk him around the room. “Shh baby, shh Leo, it’s okay buddy. Daddy is right here,” Rafael whispered, running his hand over the back of Leo’s head. He had gotten really good at this when Sebastian was a baby. He was colicky and fussy a lot at night, and Rafael had spent countless nights awake with Sebastian in his arms, shushing him so Liv could get some sleep. He rubbed Leo’s back in small circles, trying to comfort him. He wasn’t quieting down though, so Rafael smiled softly, starting to sing to him. Finally, Leo began to calm down, his cries turning into whimpers, and Rafael started out towards the table. Liv, Lucia, and Noah were sitting at the table, and Noah was just barely picking at his food. Rafael sat down, Leo, still in his arms. If he put him down, he was going to start sobbing again, so he held onto him while he started to eat his own dinner. It had been forever since they all ate dinner together. Usually they would pick at food when they were hungry, and it wasn’t often that they were operating on the same schedules. Rafael started picking at his dinner the best he could with Leo in his lap. He opened his mouth, tapping his father, and Rafael laughed before spooning some rice into Leo’s mouth. “Were you hungry little man?” Rafael asked softly. 

“More,” Leo said, so Rafael gave him another bite. Leo was one of the only things that could still make him smile genuinely. 

“So, how would it sound if I watched the boys tonight so you two can do whatever you want?” Lucia asked. Rafael looked to her gratefully. 

“Oh Lucia, thank you, you don’t have to do that,” Liv said. 

“I want to. I feel like I haven’t seen my grandbabies in forever,” she said. “I’ll talk you through the school papers, and you both are going to have some free time then. I will take care of these two.” Rafael looked over to Noah. This was important to him, but Noah came first. 

“Are you okay with staying with Abuelita for a few hours. Mom and I will be home then. We’ll put you to bed. Ketchup will be here,” Rafael said, truly trying to sell it to his son. Noah looked unsure. 

“It’ll be fun Noah,” Lucia said softly. “We’ll eat ice cream and watch movies. You don’t have to be scared.” 

“Abuelita will beat someone up for you,” Rafael said softly, a teasing smirk on his face. “She’s got a mean swing with her shoes.” Lucia scoffed at him, and he laughed. Noah giggled a little bit. 

“I only had to pull out my shoe when your Dad got mouthy,” she replied, and Rafael snorted. 

“I had to get it from somewhere,” he whispered, and she narrowed her eyes at him. 

“I guess it’s okay,” Noah finally said. “You’ll be back in time to tuck me in?” 

“Yeah Noah, I promise,” Rafael said. 

“Okay,” Noah said with a sigh, leaning his cheek against his hand. Rafael smiled at Liv, and she smiled back a little bit. They finished eating their food with some soft conversation, and then Liv started to clean up while Rafael grabbed the papers they needed to go over. Noah was sitting on the floor with Ketchup, wrestling him for a toy. Rafael showed his mother the papers, and she looked them over for a couple minutes. 

“It looks like you’re going to need to find a few textbooks for Noah. One for each subject. I can try and get you a list, and you can order them,” she said. “They should accept this if you put down the ISBN number of the book and the name. For Physical Education, you just need to get him outside and playing or a sport. Visual arts would probably be sufficient if you took him to an art gallery. I’ll bring you a list of books. One of you is going to have to work with him on this.” 

“I can do the English,” Rafael said. “And I can do Spanish with him. Music shouldn’t be hard to figure out, and I can cover gym and visual arts.” 

“I can help out, and we can figure out details later,” Lucia said. “First, we need to get this filled out and into the school. Alright?” 

“Okay. Thank you Mami, really. We couldn’t do this without you,” Rafael said. She smiled, kissing his cheek. 

“Anything for you Mijo, now go get cleaned up. I am going to spend the evening with Noah and Leo, and you are going out,” she said. He let her take Leo, and he headed back to the bedroom, changing into a nicer shirt and some jeans. He pulled his coat on and tied his shoes. Liv was waiting for him when he finished, and he stopped to give Noah a hug and promise him he would be back soon. Noah nodded, holding onto both him and Liv as tight as he could. 

“We’ll be home soon. I promise,” Rafael said. “Te amo buddy.” 

“I love you too, Dad,” Noah whispered before he finally let go. Rafael tucked his wallet into his pocket on the way out the door, Liv following him. Once they got outside, he stopped and looked at her. 

“What do you want to do?” He asked. She reached for his hand, and he let her intertwine their fingers. 

“Let’s go for a walk,” she said softly. He nodded, starting down the hallway with her beside him. He hadn’t been out in what felt like forever. He spent most of his time inside with Noah or by himself. Once they made it outside, he took a deep breath. It was chilly, but it felt nice to get some fresh air. Liv walked beside him, and they quietly made their way to the park that was only a few blocks away. They found a bench in the park, and Liv rested her head on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her. 

“How are you feeling today?” he asked softly. 

“Tired,” she whispered. “And sad. Just trying to push through.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. 

“I feel like I owe you so many apologies, I’m not even sure where to start,” he whispered. “I’ve been absent since this happened. I’ve been rude and cold, and I’ve certainly contributed my fair share to our fights. You are the most important person in my life along with our kids. I love you, and I am going to do everything I can to show you that. I really think counseling is a good idea.” Liv lifted her head, looking at him with shining eyes. She cupped his cheek, making him look at her. 

“You don’t have to be sorry,” she whispered. “This has been taxing on us both. I love you too. I’m not going to stop loving you. We’re just…..figuring it out okay?” He nodded, tilting his head forward just slightly so that their foreheads were touching. 

“I do have to be sorry. Whenever I hurt you, I am always sorry,” he insisted. 

“You’re more than forgiven Rafael,” she murmured back. “I’m sorry too. I said some things I didn’t mean.” 

“I could never stay angry with you,” he whispered. “I’m just angry in general. I’m angry at the world, at that boy who killed our baby. I am very angry, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“Sometimes when you’re so mad, it’s hard to remember what it is that’s making you angry,” Liv whispered, and he nodded. 

“I think my lucky stars every day that I still have Noah and Leo, and you gave me all of them. You gave me Noah, Sebastian, and Leo,” he said. 

“I seem to remember you being involved in the process of Sebastian and Leo,” she teased, and he chuckled. 

“Maybe just a little,” he whispered fondly. “I didn’t feel like I was truly alive until I married you.” 

“You made our family complete Rafa,” Liv said back. It felt good to talk, to express to her the way he felt because he hadn’t said it in so long. He hadn’t told her everything before, but now, it needed to be said. “Noah seems a little better,” Liv said after a minute, and he shrugged. 

“I’m trying really hard to get through to him, but he’s so scared. He wouldn’t even take Ketchup out when I asked him to,” Rafael said. Liv sighed as well. They were looking out at the park, at the rapidly darkening sky, the sunlight just barely peeking over the skyline. Her head was tucked against his shoulder once more, cheek resting against his chest. “What are we going to do with Sebastian’s presents?” he asked. “They’re still in the closet.” He hadn’t been able to bring himself to get rid of them. He should have done something before, but he was reluctant to let go of anything. Liv didn’t answer right away. She sighed softly. “I don’t want to just get rid of them,” he whispered. 

“Maybe we could give them to a shelter or something,” she said softly. He swallowed. It was painful to think about, but at least they wouldn’t be returning them or throwing them out. They would mean something to someone. 

“Okay,” he whispered. They walked through the park some more, just talking softly like they might have before everything fell apart in front of them. It wasn’t until it was getting so cold, he felt like his fingers were going to freeze that they headed back towards the apartment. 

Noah was waiting for them on the couch, and he didn’t look very happy. Lucia kissed Rafael’s cheek, hugging him and Liv. “Leo is asleep, Noah was waiting up for you. Call me, we can talk more about the papers.” 

“Okay, bye Mom, thanks,” Rafael said softly. After she left, Rafael took a seat beside Noah on the couch. “How was it?” he asked softly. Liv sat on the other side of Noah. Noah shrugged, waiting only a moment before he leaned against Rafael. Liv scooted closer, hugging him from the other side. 

“I don’t like it when you leave,” Noah whispered. 

“Nothing bad happened,” Rafael said softly, running his fingers through Noah’s hair. Ketchup was sitting curled up in Noah’s lap still, and Rafael was grateful for him. He was helping Noah a lot. Rafael was confident he wouldn’t have been able to stay home without them if Ketchup wasn’t there. “You’re safe now Noah. You are safe.” 

“Abuelita wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you, would she?” Liv asked. Noah didn’t answer. Rafael and Liv shared a look.

“Are you ready to go to bed?” Rafael finally asked. Noah shook his head. “Noah, buddy, I think you should lay down. Try to get some sleep.” 

“No,” Noah whispered. 

“Noah,” Liv sighed. “Come on, let’s get pajamas on, brush your teeth, and you can sit with Dad and I out here for a little while.” Noah finally relented, getting up and following Liv back to his bedroom. Rafael leaned his head back, looking at the ceiling and running a tired hand over his face. He hated watching Noah struggle like this. He felt a cold nose nudging his hand, and he smiled at the puppy, picking him up. Ketchup licked his hand softly, and he scratched behind the dog’s ear. 

“You’re such a good boy,” Rafael whispered. Noah appeared again after a couple minutes, in pajamas. He crawled back up on the couch, resting his head against Rafael again. He pulled Ketchup close, and the dog licked his face, making Noah giggle a little bit. Rafael smiled, running a hand over Noah’s head. “I love you Noah.” He was going to say it as many times as Noah needed to hear it. Liv came out a few minutes later with some hot chocolate, and Rafael took the warm mug gratefully. His hands were still cold. Noah sat up so he could drink his, and Rafael smiled. 

“I’m sorry,” Noah whispered. 

“For what?” Rafael asked, his brow furrowing. 

“I’m sorry I’m so much work,” he said, and Rafael set his mug down, turning to face Noah. 

“What in the world gave you that idea?” he asked. “Your Mom and I love you so, so much. We’re going to do everything we can to make you feel better. You’re not a burden, you’re not a lot of work. I promise.” 

“Noah, don’t feel bad when you need us,” Liv said. “We’re your parents. We love you no matter what. It’s going to be okay.” She rubbed his back as he sipped his hot chocolate. He was quiet for awhile, and Rafael started to worry when it was getting late, and Noah still wasn’t wanting to go to sleep. 

“Noah,” he said. “Maybe you should try shutting your eyes.” Noah shook his head. “Come on, it’ll be alright. I promise. Lay your head down.” Rafael pulled a pillow down into his lap patting it so Noah might lay down. Noah looked at him unsurely, but he finally laid his head down, and Rafael smiled. “That’s it. Just close your eyes, try to relax. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here Noah.” Noah started to relax as he laid there, and Rafael was glad when his breathing finally evened out. “Poor kid,” Rafael whispered. Liv shook her head. 

“He has therapy soon. I’m just praying that will make a difference,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, leaning back against the couch and turning his attention to the tv. Eventually though, he was ready to go to bed. He tried to carefully slip out from under Noah, but Noah blinked for a second before grabbing at his father. 

“Shhh,” Rafael murmured. “I’m just going to take you back to bed.” 

“No,” Noah whispered, tightening his hold. 

“Okay, it’s okay. You can sleep in our bed tonight,” he said, and Noah calmed down, letting Rafael pick him up. Noah was getting a bit heavy for Rafael to really carry, but he shifted around, trying to get his balance. He put Noah in the middle of the bed, between him and Liv before going to get himself ready for bed. When he climbed under the covers himself, he scooted closer to Noah so he would know he wasn’t alone if he woke up. They were doing the best they could. He only wished he could do more. 

********

When Rafael woke up, Liv was still asleep. He kissed her temple before getting out of bed and getting dressed for the day. When he went into the kitchen, he spotted Noah who was sitting on the couch with Ketchup. “Hey buddy, how are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Pretty good,” Noah said. “I’m hungry.” 

“Do you want some breakfast?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded. “Here, come with me. I’m going to the coffee shop down the street. I’ll get you a donut.” Noah hesitated. “Here, you don’t even have to get dressed. I’ll get your coat.” When Rafael came back with his jacket, Noah pulled it on slowly, and he put on his shoes, but he held tight to Rafael’s hand as they started out the door. 

“Why are we going to the coffee shop?” Noah asked softly. 

“Cause I’m gonna get Mommy a coffee,” Rafael said. 

“Why?” Noah asked. 

“Because I love her, and I want her to smile and feel special,” Rafael said. Noah just nodded. Rafael led him into the little store, lifting him up so he could look at the donuts and pick one. He pointed one out, and Rafael ordered Liv a latte. Noah wouldn’t let go of his hand even when he went to get his card out of his wallet, and Rafael sighed. “Noah, I need you to let go of my hand, just for a second.” He shook his head. “Noah, it’ll be fine, just for a second.” Noah wouldn’t, so Rafael laid his wallet on the counter, smiling apologetically at the cashier, trying to pull the card out with one hand. He finally managed, handing it over before waiting for his order. Noah took his donut when it came, and thankfully Rafael could carry the coffee and hold Noah’s hand at the same time. He fumbled with his keys at the door, but they made it inside in one piece thankfully. He set the coffee on the counter, going to find Leo. Rafael imagined he was up, and he would be hungry. He should have gotten him a donut too, but he wouldn’t have had enough hands anyways. Leo was still in bed, but he was awake, and he smiled when Rafael came in. “Morning little man,” he said, and Leo giggled. 

“Hi Daddy,” he said. Rafael picked him up, carrying him out towards the kitchen. Leo was getting so much bigger every day, and it was bitter sweet for Rafael. When he made it out to the kitchen, Liv was awake, sipping her coffee. 

“You didn’t have to get me this,” she said softly. 

“I wanted to,” he replied, leaning in for a kiss. She hummed appreciatively against his lips until Noah made a disgusted noise, and he laughed, pulling back. Rafael got Leo some cereal, getting him settled at the table to eat. 

“Noah, you need to get dressed then, we’re going to therapy,” Liv said. Noah made a face. “This is supposed to help you feel better. This man is a friend of Dr. Huang’s.” 

“I don’t know,” Noah whispered. 

“It’ll be alright Noah,” Rafael said, getting himself a yogurt. They started getting ready themselves, and Rafael got Leo dressed, but when he came into the hallway, Liv was standing at Noah’s door. She shot him a look. 

“Noah, come on, open the door,” Liv said. 

“What’s going on?” he asked. 

“He won’t come out,” Liv said. “I don’t think he wants to go to therapy.” Rafael stepped closer, knocking on the door as well. 

“Noah, buddy come on. You trust me, right? I wouldn’t let you get hurt,” Rafael said. 

“Sebastian got hurt.” Noah’s voice was soft from the room, and Rafael knew Noah wasn’t trying to hurt him, but his words cut deep. 

“Noah,” Liv whispered tiredly. She touched Rafael’s shoulder gently, trying to comfort him. “Noah, I need you to come out here.” 

“I’m staying here with Ketchup,” Noah said. They tried to give Noah his space, to knock on his bedroom door before going in, but he wasn’t listening. Rafael put a hand on the door knob, hesitating. 

“Here,” Liv said, reaching to take Leo from his arms. Rafael sighed. 

“Noah, I’m coming inside,” Rafael said before he opened the door. Noah was sitting on his bed with Ketchup, and Rafael took a few steps closer. “You have to go to therapy Noah.” 

“No,” he said, scooting back. 

“Buddy, come on, I don’t want you to be this scared. It’s going to be okay,” Rafael said. 

“No,” Noah said, tears filling his eyes. Rafael scooted a little closer to Noah, but he shrunk away, making himself smaller. He was starting to hyperventilate. 

“I’m not going to hurt you Noah, you know that,” Rafael said. “Deep breaths.” 

“Go away,” Noah sobbed, curling up, pressing his face against Ketchup’s fur. 

“Noah, buddy,” Rafael whispered. Noah just scrunched up tighter the closer Rafael got to him. “Noah, please look at me.” Ketchup whimpered, sensing Noah’s distress. “Hey, Noah, come on. Can we talk?” He shook his head. Rafael put a hand on Noah’s shoulder, and he jerked away, starting to scream. “Noah, I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to talk.” Noah was shaking, but Rafael finally managed to put a hand on his back without him flinching. “That’s it, I’m not going to hurt you Noah. Come on, let’s just talk.” He pulled gently on Noah, trying to pull him closer so he could hold him, but Noah was struggling. “Hey, stop. I’m not going to drag you out to the car or anything. I just want to talk Noah. Calm down.” He pulled Noah against him, holding him tight until he stopped struggling. He sobbed and sobbed, clinging to Rafael. “It’s okay, shhh, it’s alright.” 

“Daddy please, please don’t make me. I’m scared, please,” Noah begged, and Rafael sighed, kissing the top of his head. 

“Breathing Noah, try to calm down. I know you’re scared, but I want you to try and trust me,” Rafael said. “This is going to help you. Can you trust me?” 

“Please Dad,” Noah sobbed, but Rafael knew he couldn’t back down on this no matter how much he might want to. Noah had to go to therapy. 

“Have I ever steered you wrong Noah?” Rafael asked softly. Noah sniffled, shaking his head. “Will you come with me? Give it a try?” Noah didn’t answer. Instead, he pressed his face against Rafael’s shirt. Rafael brushed some hair back from his face. “Dr. Huang wasn’t so bad, was he?” Noah shrugged. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll stay with you until you’re ready. Come on.” He managed to get Noah to stand up, but he clung to Rafael as they left the room. He was barely moving, and Rafael was half carrying him. He sat Noah on the couch and squatted down in front of him, hand stroking over his tear stained cheek. “Look at me, can you walk down to the car with me?” Noah let out a shaky sob, and Rafael handed him a tissue. Noah wasn’t budging, and Rafael stood up with a sigh. Liv appeared from the hallway, holding Leo who was all bundled up and ready to go. He shook his head when she raised her eyebrows at him, and she sighed. She held Leo out to him, and he took him, leaning him back against his shoulder before shifting him around into a more comfortable position. 

“Take him down to the car. Noah and I will be down in a couple minutes,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, getting into his own jacket and taking Leo down the stairs. Leo played with the keys during the entire elevator ride and smiled at him. Rafael buckled Leo into his car seat, climbing into the passenger seat and turning the heat on. It took about ten minutes, but Liv escorted Noah out of the apartment building and into the car. Noah was wiping at his eyes the whole ride there, and Rafael had to take a few deep breaths. It was so upsetting for him to see Noah like that. Once they finally made it to the office, Rafael sat with Noah and Leo in the waiting room while Liv checked them in. Leo was content to watch the tv in the corner, but Noah was sinking lower and lower in his seat. 

“Buddy,” Rafael whispered, reaching out to put a hand on Noah’s arm. 

“Dad, please, I don’t want to,” Noah whispered. “I want to go home.” 

“I’m sorry Noah,” Rafael whispered. “I promise it will be okay.” Noah cried even while Rafael walked him into the office where his therapist was waiting. The young woman talked with Rafael for a few moments, looking over Huang’s notes before she was ready to start with Noah. Rafael looked at Noah, “I’m just going to be down the hall with Mom and Leo. You can come get me if you need to.” 

“Dad,” Noah whispered, tearing up. 

“Noah, I know you can do this. Can you try?” Rafael asked. 

“Do you want some candy Noah?” the woman asked, and Noah looked at her for a few long moments. Rafael rubbed his back gently. Noah finally nodded a little bit, and she held a bowl out to him. “Pick a couple. We’re just going to talk for a little bit, maybe draw some. I promise I don’t bite. Your Dad will be back soon, and then you can head home.” She smiled at Rafael who stood up tentatively. He kissed the top of Noah’s head, squeezing his hand before leaving the room. Liv was waiting for him in the lobby, and he took a seat beside her. 

“They said they’ll call us back soon,” she said. He nodded. “How did Noah do?” 

“He was not happy,” Rafael said. 

“Hopefully he won’t hate it,” Liv said. Rafael wasn’t sure if he could handle forcing Noah to go if he was miserable. He sure hoped that it was helpful, and that Noah liked it. It was only a few moments before someone was calling them back for their therapy session as well. Rafael just hoped that somehow it would make things easier. Everyday was a struggle, and he wasn’t sure how long their relationship could take it. 

********

Rafael had been looking over Noah’s paperwork and the list his mother had faxed to him. He had been choosing textbooks when he realized he hadn’t seen Liv in hours. He put down his things, going to look for her. He just wanted to make sure she was alright. They both tended to seclude themselves when they were having bad days. Noah was asleep again in his bedroom, and Leo was down for a nap, so it was just him and Liv at the moment. He looked in their bedroom, but Liv wasn’t there, so he took a deep breath before venturing into Sebastian’s room. She was sitting by his dresser, holding onto some of his clothes. Davey was sitting on Sebastian’s bed, leaning back against he pillows, and even just stepping inside the room brought a wave of emotion to the forefront of Rafael’s awareness. He sat down beside Liv. “Are you okay?” he asked. It was sort of a dumb question. She shook her head. 

“I found these in the laundry basket. I hadn’t gotten around to folding them,” she whispered. She held up a little red sweater that Sebastian wore so much, it was already falling apart. “I feel broken Rafa.” 

“I know,” he whispered. The little jeans and sweatpants were so small and obviously well used. He could literally see Sebastian’s personality in all the marks that scuffed up the fabric from all the energetic running around and climbing he did. He couldn’t imagine giving those clothes to Leo anymore. They were Sebastian’s. He never wanted to move anything or get rid of any of it. He didn’t want to let go of what he still had. He had Sebastian’s room, his teddy bear, his clothes. He had pieces, ghosts of his son, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to get rid of them. “He loved that sweater,” Rafael whispered. “He wore it every week.” 

“I’m so tired of feeling like this,” Liv whispered. She looked over at him unsurely for a second. “I know we said we were done, but...what if we had another baby?” It took a couple minutes for Liv’s words to register in his mind. He couldn’t believe what she was saying. He opened his mouth for  second and then it snapped shut. 

“You want to what?” he asked softly, but he didn’t even give her a chance to answer. “How could you even say that?” 

“How could I say what?” she asked, looking confused, tears in her eyes still. “How could I say that I want to have another baby?” 

“How could you want to replace our son?” he asked, starting to stand up. He couldn’t fathom what she was thinking. She seemed to think it was nothing, that it wasn’t a big deal. 

“Replace?” she said, sounding incredulous. “I never said that.” 

“You might as well have,” Rafael whispered. “Absolutely not. Unbelievable.” 

“What is wrong with you?” Liv asked. “Having another child is not replacing him. How could…” 

“I’m going for a walk. I can’t do this with you right now or ever,” he said, standing up and heading towards the door. He couldn’t believe it. How could Liv not see what was wrong with that? It hadn’t even been three months since Sebastian died. How could they have another baby? How would he know he could protect them? He yanked his jacket on, putting shoes on his feet and storming out the door. He needed to go for a walk or he was going to lose his cool. He was starting to feel more and more on edge every day. He was barely holding himself together. Little things threatened to overwhelm him with grief or anger which was why he was taking it out on Liv when it wasn’t her fault. This time though, he just couldn’t wrap his head around her request. He couldn’t even think about having another child. Leo was supposed to be their last. Their family was supposed to be complete, but now there was a gaping hole, and he wasn’t sure that they could or should ever fill it. Forgetting Sebastian was the greatest disservice they could ever do to him, and it wouldn’t be fair at all to a child if they were born as a sort of replacement. He couldn’t imagine his life without Sebastian, without his little smile and bright green eyes. How was he supposed to picture their family with another baby? How could Liv even want that? 

The cold air was biting into his skin as he walked down the street, his hands shoved into the pockets of his coat. He had no idea where he was going or what he was doing. He just felt angry and like he wanted to cry. He needed a stiff glass of scotch. He was getting tired of fighting, tired of trying to keep going. He was getting to the end of his rope, and the sudden exhaustion scared him. He wasn’t sure being alone was wise at the moment, so he pulled his phone out with a shaking hand. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to talk to, whose company he could handle at the moment. He didn’t want to talk to Liv. She had texted him a few times, but he ignored it, scrolling until he found Sonny’s number. He hesitated before he finally clicked it. The phone rang for a few moments before Sonny answered. “Hello?” 

“Carisi, it’s Barba, I was just wondering if you could come pick me up. I--I’m sorry. Liv and I got into a fight and I don’t think I should--” 

“I’ll be there in a couple minutes. Text me your address,” Sonny said, cutting off his rambling. Rafael was grateful when Sonny pulled up. He climbed into the warm car, shutting the door and buckling himself in. Sonny started driving and Rafael swallowed. “You want some coffee? It’s freezing out,” Sonny said. Rafael shrugged. 

“Scotch sounds good,” he whispered. 

“I don’t know how good of an idea that is right now,” Sonny replied. “We’ll go get some coffee, and you can warm up.” Rafael finally just nodded, not trusting his own judgement. He was a mess. He stared out the window as Sonny drove, and when he pulled up to the coffee shop, Rafael pulled his coat tighter around himself before he got out. He took a heavy seat at a table, dropping his head into his hands. “You just get dark roast, right?” Sonny asked, and Rafael nodded. He sat there, trying to pull himself together until Sonny came back, setting the cup down on the table in front of him. He wrapped his hands around the cup, and it warmed his cold hands up, a tingling feeling spreading through his fingers as the blood rushed back. He added some cream and sugar before starting to sip at it, and Sonny sat across from him, drinking his own coffee. “Do you want to talk about it?” Sonny asked softly, and Rafael shrugged his shoulders. He was drowning in his own mind, dark thoughts swirling around, threatening to drag him down and suffocate him. 

“I turn the corner and I expect to see him there,” Rafael whispered. “I expect to see him running around with Noah, to see him holding Davey, and he’s just gone. I dream about it, about him. He shouldn’t be gone.” Rafael felt tears starting to escape his eyes, and he scrubbed at them with the back of his hand, but they were falling too fast for him to contain. “And then Liv asks me if we can have another baby, and I won’t forget him. She wants to replace our baby. It’s like I-I don’t even know her anymore.” Sonny was quiet for a couple minutes before he sighed. 

“Try to take a deep breath. You’re upset, emotional. You’re reacting emotionally Rafael,” he said. Rafael nodded swiping at his tears some more. 

“I am terrified that we won’t remember him. That would be so wrong Sonny. He was only five. He didn’t get to live very long, but I can’t just forget him, replace him. I can’t lose the only things I have left,” he said softly. 

“I’m sure she doesn’t want to replace him Rafael. She is feeling emotional as well,” Sonny said. 

“It hasn’t even been three months Carisi. How could she say that?” Rafael whispered. He just didn’t understand. He couldn’t even imagine having another child. It felt like a betrayal, like he was betraying Sebastian, and that was something he refused to do. He was not letting go of the memories, of Sebastian no matter what it cost him. 

“Take a step back. Did you ask her why?” Sonny asked. 

“Does it matter?” Rafael shot back. 

“Don’t say that, of course it matters. She has feelings too Rafael. You both have feelings, and you need to talk about them so you understand what’s going on,” Sonny said. “You can’t make assumptions.” 

“Assumptions?” he asked incredulously. “What else am I supposed to think? I’m so tired of this. What is the point in fighting anymore? This is a nightmare, and it’s never going to end. I feel like I’m trying to claw myself out of a chasm with weights tied to my ankles and nothing to pull me up.” 

“How long have you been feeling like that?” Sonny asked, and Rafael shrugged. “I’m really glad you called me. Liv said you were going to see a therapist, do you have an appointment soon?” 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. 

“Have you told them about any of this, about how you’re feeling?” Sonny asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“Not really,” he whispered. 

“Have you told Liv?” Sonny asked. 

“What’s the point?” Rafael whispered. 

“Alright, do you want me to take you anywhere?” Sonny asked. Rafael shrugged, but after a couple moments, he finally replied. 

“Can you take me to my Mom’s?” he asked. Sonny nodded. He didn’t always feel comfortable asking her for help, but he needed to see her and to talk to her. Rafael took his cup out with him, sipping at the coffee as he sat in the car. He felt completely overwhelmed at the moment. He wasn’t sure he could handle going home. He was inches away from a complete meltdown, and he didn’t understand. He had been starting to feel better a little bit. Things had been looking up. He was finding a way to be strong, but now he felt completely wrecked, like he was going to collapse. Everyone was falling apart, and he had been trying so hard to hold himself together, to hold Noah together, to care for Leo, and he wanted to take care of Liv. Everything seemed to be falling apart at the seams though. He couldn’t breathe. Sonny didn’t bother him during the drive. He let Rafael brood. He had to lean against the wall in the elevator on the ride up. He knocked on the door to his Mother’s apartment, and it took a couple long minutes, but she finally opened the door, looking at him with concern in her eyes. 

“Rafi, what’s going on darling? Come inside,” she said, opening the door, and stepping back so he could enter. He took a few steps into the living room, running a hand through his hair. He turned around to face her. “What’s wrong?” she asked, and he lost it, his face crumbling and tears overtaking him. She pulled him close, and he leaned his head against her shoulder, sobbing. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” he whispered, and she rubbed his back. 

“Okay Rafi,” she whispered, nudging him forward towards the couch. She kept her arms around him, pulling him down beside her, and letting him continue to cry. Her fingers dragged through his hair, arms wrapped around him. “Shh, it’s okay, let it out.” He kept crying, clinging to her. “Can you tell me what’s going on sweetheart?” she asked. 

“Liv and I had a big fight,” he whispered. “And--And…” He trailed off, hiccuping slightly. “She wants a baby. I don’t want to replace him.” 

“Okay,” she whispered, her hand on the back of his head, and she leaned her head down by his ear. “Let’s take some deep breaths Rafael. Deep, deep breaths. I’m right here.” 

“I’m sorry, I know you probably just got home from work--”

“Don’t worry about me, just try to calm down. I’m right here,” his Mom said. “In through your nose Rafael, and then let it out through your mouth. It’s okay.” 

“How does she expect me to just have another baby just like that. He’s dead. I--” Rafael trailed off, his voice overcome by tears. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

“I know you don’t, you’ve been doing so well Rafa. I’m proud of you. Just try to breathe in and out. We’ll talk through this,” Lucia said softly. He took a few deep, shaky breaths, finally calming down enough that he could have an actual conversation. 

“She wants to just have another baby like Sebastian wasn’t even here,” Rafael whispered. 

“Rafi, try to think clearly, you know Liv loved him. She’s probably just heart broken,” his mother said softly. “She probably didn’t bring it up in the best way or at the best time, but that doesn’t mean she wants to replace him. I don’t think that now is the time for either of you to be making an important decision like that.” 

“Mom,” he whispered. “I can’t do this anymore. This is all a nightmare and it just keeps getting worse. It’s never going to stop.” She looked at him carefully for a few moments before pulling him back into her arms. 

“It will get easier Rafi, I promise it will. You just need to give it time. It’s only been a few months. You and Liv need to take a step back, to slow down. You can’t take care of everyone Rafael. I see you taking care of Noah and Leo. I know you want to take care of her, but right now, you need someone to care for you,” Lucia said softly. “Here, let me make you some tea. You need to relax.”

*******

Rafael was exhausted when he finally made it back to the apartment. He opened the door quietly, Sonny trailing behind him as he entered. He slipped his shoes off, shedding his coat and hanging it up in the closet. He was so tired. He just wanted to collapse into bed. He had barely made it into the living room when Liv emerged from down the hallway, and she did not look happy with him. “Where the hell have you been?” she asked. “I’ve been texting and calling you for hours. Noah had a complete meltdown. You left me here alone.” He opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off. “I know you’re angry with me, but that doesn’t give you a license to ignore your kids.” 

“Liv, that’s enough,” Sonny said firmly. “Not right now.” She was about to argue with him, but he leveled her with a glare, pushing Rafael forward to get him moving again. He seemed to be in a daze, walking down the hall before turning into Sebastian’s room and shutting the door behind him. Sonny let him make an escape, hoping he would go to sleep. He was going to check on him in a little bit just to ensure he was alright. Liv was standing at the counter, pouring herself a glass of wine. She looked exhausted, and Sonny’s heart went out to her. Neither of them were right in the argument. Sonny agreed with Rafael’s mother that they weren’t a place to be having that conversation in the first place. “Liv,” he said. “I know you’re mad, but Rafael is hitting rock bottom. He is perilously close to doing something unwise. I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself.” 

“What?” she asked, sounding concerned. 

“I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself. Some of the things he said today were huge red flags. Lucia and I are going to take turns staying over to make sure someone can keep an eye on him,” Sonny said. Liv shut her eyes, fighting a sudden onslaught of tears. Everything had already been overwhelming. To know that Rafael was in such a bad place, a place where he was considering...and she hadn’t known. She had probably caused some of it. The state of their marriage, of their family, it was beginning to be too much for them both. She couldn’t bear to lose him, to know he was in so much pain, but he had hurt her earlier. He had lashed out and become accusatory when she expressed something she wanted. Noah had lost his cool when Rafael didn’t come home. She had no idea where he was or when he would be home, and she had barely been able to get him under control. Leo thankfully had been relatively easy to handle, but Noah had been sobbing and she had to sit with him for hours before he finally passed out. She took a seat at the bar, sipping her wine, her cheek resting against the palm of her hand. 

“Thank you for making sure he got home alright,” Liv said softly, wiping at a few tears that were running down her cheeks. “Everything is a mess.” 

“You’ve both been trying to hold everything together for the last two months. It’s no wonder it finally fell apart,” Sonny said. “You lost your son, but you both need to remember that eventually it won’t hurt so bad.” Liv wasn’t sure she believed that.

*******

Rafael was up early, the room still dark, but there was no way he was going to fall asleep again. His mind was racing. He eventually gave up on trying, heaving himself out of Sebastian’s bed. He stood up, running a tired hand through his hair. He was eternally tired it seemed. He pulled on his tee shirt from the day before, not bothering to put pants on over his boxers before heading out of the bedroom. Sonny was still asleep on the couch. Rafael started the coffee machine, waiting for it to brew him a warm pot. He poured himself a mug before going out onto the balcony. He needed some fresh air. He leaned against the railing, looking out at the city. The sun was just starting to peek over the buildings. He was so finished with all the pain and the daily struggle. 

He took a sip of his coffee, looking out at the city that had been his home since he decided to transfer from Brooklyn. That had been the first in a line of decisions that lead to him marrying Liv, the best decision he’d ever made. There were times when his family was all he had, and now that was falling apart. He was losing everything. He had been trying so hard for Sebastian, but he didn’t have any energy left. He was drained. He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. He felt a little dizzy with all the thoughts running through his mind. The cold air was biting into his skin, but he didn’t care. Swallowing heavily, he looked over the balcony railing. He could see lights from the cars zipping by on the street below. His vision blurred slightly. He hadn’t ever liked heights very much. For just a second, he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t that far down, that it would be over fast, but the sound of the balcony door opening startled him. He jumped slightly, his heart racing. His throat was burning suddenly, and he didn’t feel like he could turn around and face whoever was there. 

********

Liv had woken up feeling uneasy. She tossed and turned for awhile, but she was unable to sleep. She wasn’t sure if she was stressed out because of what Sonny said to her the night before, or if it was the constant worry that she felt for Noah and Leo since Sebastian died. Whatever it was, it seemed she was up for the day. She pulled on a robe over her pajamas, the house feeling chillier than usual. She wanted a cup of coffee, and when she made her way out into the kitchen, she was surprised to find a pot already brewed. That meant that Rafael was awake. She wanted to talk to him and make sure he was alright. She felt bad that she had upset him so much, but they did need to talk about her question at some point when he was calmer. She headed back down the hall, looking in Sebastian’s room, but he wasn’t in there or in the bathroom. She checked Noah and Leo’s rooms as well before she went back out to the living room, a heavy dread settling inside of her. Her blood ran cold when she saw him standing out on the balcony, leaning on it, looking down. His shoulders were hunched, his hair blowing around with the wind. He was only wearing boxers and a tee shirt, and she was cold inside the house. He had to be freezing. Rafael had never handled the cold well. If he went out without a coat, he would come down with a cold within the next week. She rushed over to the door, not wanting to startle or upset him, but her heart was racing with urgency. 

He jumped when she opened the door, but he didn’t turn to face her. “Rafa?” she said softly, trying to contain the panic that was racing through her body. He didn’t answer. She took a careful step towards him. 

“Liv.” His voice startled her. It was shaky, tear-filled and scared. 

“I’m right here,” she said softly. “What are you doing out here?” She was trying to keep her voice calm, to keep him calm. He didn’t answer, but his shoulders tensed. “It’s cold, you must be freezing,” she said. “Why don’t we go inside?” He shook his head. 

“I’m okay,” he whispered. 

“Rafa,” she sighed. She untied her robe. “At least put this on for me? You have to be cold.” After a few moments, he faced her, his eyes red rimmed. He took the robe that she held out for him, slipping into it. It was a little tight, especially on his shoulders, but she was glad he had something more on. “I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. I didn’t mean to upset you so much. I shouldn’t have yelled at you last night.” He swallowed, averting his eyes, and she took another step towards him. He crossed his arms defensively. “Will you come inside with me?” she asked. He turned away again, facing the railing and she felt a moment of complete panic. She reached out, grabbing for him, and her hand closed around the sleeve of the robe. He looked at her for a moment, his eyes wide before he finally nodded, starting towards the door. She picked up the cup of coffee that he had set down at some point and followed him inside the apartment. He was idling in the kitchen, and she just wanted to get him sitting down, far away from any possible hazards. She put his coffee mug in the sink, gently grabbing his arm. He didn’t fight when she pulled him gently back towards their bedroom, steadying him. He took a seat on the bed, and she sighed, trying to pull herself together. She couldn’t hold back from gently cupping his cheek and leaning down to press her lips to his forehead. “I love you so much,” she whispered. His cold, shaking hand covered her own. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears running down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Shh,” Liv whispered. “I’m here. It’s okay.” She pulled his face against her chest, stroking her hand through his hair. His tears were soaking through her thin pajama shirt. “Breathe Rafa. I love you. I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere. Everything is going to be okay.” 

“I--I’m scared. Liv, I’m scared,” he whispered. Liv continued to brush her fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him. He was shaking. 

“What are you scared of?” Liv asked softly. She was scared of the answer, but she wanted him to talk to her. She wanted him to feel like he could open up. He paused a few moments, sniffling and leaning into her touch. 

“I’m scared of myself,” he finally admitted. “I--I’m having dark thoughts Liv. Yesterday, I called Sonny because I didn’t trust myself to be alone, but it keeps getting worse. On the balcony, I thought about…” he trailed off. “It was only for a few moments, but I thought about it.” Liv had to take a few moments to compose herself, and she kissed the top of his head. 

“I’m glad you told me,” she whispered. “I want you to always tell me when you feel like this.” She held him tight, wishing he wasn’t struggling so much. He was in so much pain. She knew his pain. She didn’t want him to feel like this, to be hurting so bad he wanted to end it all. 

“You’re not angry at me?” he whispered, and she shook her head. 

“No, no Rafa, I am not angry. I promise. I’m not angry,” Liv said. His sobs were soft now, but they shook his entire body. His arms were wrapped around her as he tried to keep her close. He finally started to calm down, and she sat beside him, holding his hand. 

“I almost hurt you more. You and Noah, oh God, and Leo,” he whispered. Liv squeezed his hand tight. 

“Just take a few deep breaths, I’m going to get you some water. It’s okay now. You didn’t,” Liv said. 

“Don’t leave,” he whispered. “Please, I need you to stay with me.” 

“Okay then, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here with you,” Liv replied. She moved around to get more comfortable on the bed, and he settled against her, leaning into her arms. Her strong husband felt small and broken in her arms like that. “Do you think you could talk to the counselor about what happened?” Liv asked softly. He didn’t answer right away. He shut his eyes, resting against her, one arm round her back, the other hand splayed over her rib cage. 

“Maybe,” he finally whispered. 

“I can’t lose you Rafa. I love you so much,” she said. “We can still do this.” 

“I just….” he trailed off, starting to tear up again. “I miss him.” 

“I miss him too,” Liv whispered. 

“I’m so tired of fighting. I don’t have energy left. I feel completely drained. I just thought that maybe I’d be with him again,” he finally admitted, and Liv had to close her eyes. 

“It doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get easier, I know, but it has to Rafa. This has to eventually get a little easier, and that doesn’t mean forgetting him, but it means living with the pain of not having him here,” Liv said. 

“I don’t know that I can,” he whispered. Liv ran her hand across his back a few more times, and he clung to her. She held him in her arms until he finally started to calm down a little bit. He didn’t seem to want to let her go no matter what, but she wanted to go get Sonny up so he could help her figure out what they needed to do. 

“Rafa, I need to go out to the kitchen just for a couple minutes. Can you please stay here? I’ll be right back,” Liv said softly. He was hesitant, but he finally nodded. Liv stood up, looking around quickly to make sure there was nothing dangerous. She felt paranoid and scared. She didn’t want to leave him alone even for a few minutes. He just laid down though, so she quickly headed out to the kitchen. She wanted to get him to eat something, but first she needed Sonny to get up. She went over by the couch. “Carisi,” she said softly. “Hey, Carisi.” Sonny’s eyes flew open, and he sat up with a start. 

“Shit,” he hissed. “Wha--” 

“Sonny, I’m sorry to wake you up, but I need your help,” Liv said. Sonny ran a tired hand over his face. 

“What do you need?” he asked. 

“It’s Rafael. He was out on the balcony.” Sonny’s eyes went wide when she said that. “I got him to come inside. He’s in the bedroom, but I need you to help me keep and eye on him and figure out what to do.” 

“Yeah, sure thing,” Sonny said, standing up. “Do you want me to go sit with him?” he asked, and Liv nodded. Liv watched as he went down the hall, and she started to make him some breakfast that she hoped he would eat. It didn’t take her too long to get him some eggs and toast which she took back to the bedroom where he was waiting. He was sitting up, Sonny beside him talking to him softly. Rafael wasn’t talking much at all, but that didn’t surprise her. She sat on the bed on his other side, handing him the plate. 

“Try to eat some of that for me?” Liv asked, and he nodded. He picked at the eggs, but he was eating very little. 

“What’s gonna happen now?” Rafael asked softly. “Are you going to take me to some mental hospital?” Liv shook her head. 

“No Rafa, absolutely not. If you’re okay with it, I’m going to call George to come talk to you. He’ll know what to do,” Liv said. “Is that okay with you?” He thought about it for a couple minutes before he finally nodded. “I’m gonna call him then, and everything is going to be okay.” He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded. He continued to pick at his breakfast, and Liv left him with Sonny while she went to call George. She just hoped that he would be able to help.

*******

Rafael was not in the mood to talk. He just wanted to lay down for the rest of the day, but Sonny wouldn’t shut up. He was sitting on the bed, chattering away to Rafael about work and his family, and Rafael was staring at a stain on their wall. He felt bad that Liv had to worry about him like this. He had been trying so hard to take care of her too. He wanted to be there for everyone, to fix this mess, to help Noah and Liv and take care of Leo normally. Now, he wasn’t even taking care of himself. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down. He wanted to sleep, but he hadn’t been able to get very much rest the past few days. He couldn’t stop his racing thoughts. He was starting to calm down a little bit when he heard the door open. “Dad?” Noah’s voice was soft and hesitant. Rafael started to sit up, but Sonny was already talking to him. 

“Do you need something Noah?” Sonny asked. 

“Is Dad okay?” Noah asked. 

“He’s gonna be alright,” Sonny promised. 

“Dad?” Noah asked again. 

“Yes Noah?” Rafael finally whispered. 

“Do you want a hug?” Noah asked. Rafael swallowed back a sudden onslaught of tears. 

“Yes Noah,” he whispered. “I’d love a hug.” He pushed himself up with a grunt, and Noah came beside the bed, wrapping his arms around his father. Rafael pressed his face against Noah’s curls, shutting his eyes, and savoring the feeling of holding his son in his arms. Noah made him feel so much better. Knowing that Noah was safe was a constant relief. “Noah,” he whispered. “I love you, so much. Never doubt that.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah said. Noah climbed up onto the bed beside him, and Rafael smiled. He felt a little more at ease already. The door opened slowly, and Liv walked in, Leo in her arms. Rafael brightened even a little bit more. Leo looked excited, squirming around in Liv’s arms. 

“Daddy,” he said. “Miss Daddy.” 

“Someone wants to see you,” Liv said softly, and he couldn’t help but smile. She handed him Leo, and the two year old smiled hugely at Rafael who couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Hi Daddy,” Leo whispered. 

“Hi Leo,” Rafael said softly, feeling warmer and happier when Leo wrapped his little arms around his neck, pulling Rafael in for a big hug. “Mmm, I love you.” His sons made him feel lighter. They reminded him that he needed to try and keep fighting even though it felt impossible. 

“Do you want to watch something Dad?” Noah asked. Rafael hadn’t felt like doing anything mere moments earlier, but the presence of his children lifted his mood which was a welcome, temporary relief. Leo settled on one side of him, leaning into Rafael heavily, and Noah sat on the other side. 

“Why don’t you pick a movie,” Rafael suggested. Noah happily took the remote, scrolling through the options until he settled on something. Rafael honestly couldn’t have cared less what it was. He just wanted to spend time with his boys. He was leaned up against the pillows, arm wrapped around Leo, keeping him close. Noah leaned into Rafael more on the other side, head resting against his father’s chest, and Rafael stroked his fingers through soft curls. Just having his babies in his arms made him feel so much better. Leo was snuggled up, relaxing more and more into his father as he watched the movie, and Rafael was beginning to feel drowsy himself. Leo was getting limper and heavier against him, and he could barely keep his eyes open. He finally gave in, succumbing to the darkness that had begun pulling at him.

*******

“Rafa, babe.” Liv’s voice was soft, but he felt comfort knowing she was near him. “Rafa, come on, wake up.” He sighed, blinking a few times before his vision cleared. He saw Liv leaning over him. His vision was a little blurry as he tried to emerge fully from the fog of sleep. “Hey,” she said softly, her hand brushing over his cheek. 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

“George is here,” Liv said softly. “Can you get up?” 

“I’m tired,” he said, starting to shut his eyes again, but she shook his shoulder, not letting him fall asleep again. 

“Rafa, come on. You need to get up and talk to him,” Liv said. He sighed, averting his gaze before he finally, slowly made himself sit up. Noah and Leo were still asleep on the bed beside him, and he smiled, looking down at everything he had left. They looked so peaceful. It was such a relief to see them resting, to be able to look at them and know they were safe. Noah wasn’t crying or screaming. Leo’s mouth was lolled open, his arms clutching at Rafael. His hands were fisted in the fabric of his father’s shirt, hair swept over his forehead and in his face. Rafael carefully extracted himself from Leo’s hold, brushing some of his soft brown hair away from his eyes. Noah’s face was calm and relaxed, his arms wrapped around a pillow. That made Rafael smile. It was how he tended to sleep if he wasn’t holding Liv. He ran a hand over the top of Noah’s head, through his curls. 

“I love them both so much,” he whispered. “They’re my world. And Sebastian. All three of them and you.” A tight look crossed Liv’s features, but she controlled it quickly, her face returning to neutral. 

“Come on,” Liv said, pulling him up gently. “George is waiting for you.” He ran a hand through his unruly hair, following Liv from the room. She reached for his hand as they passed Sonny in the hallway. He was headed back to watch the boys. George was sitting on the couch in the living room, and Rafael hesitated at the edge of the hallway. 

“Hi Rafael,” George said in the calm, placating tone he had used with Noah, and Rafael didn’t like it. He didn’t like being talked to like that. He felt like everyone thought he was crazy. He knew George meant no harm though, so he made himself move further inside the living room. They took a seat beside each other, facing George so they could talk to him. “How are you feeling right now?” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. He felt a little tense and uncomfortable, but George was smiling at him disarmingly. There was something so calm about the psychiatrist that Rafael couldn’t resist. His presence was calming, his voice soft and soothing. Liv squeezed his hand, and he sighed. “Sort of,” he amended. “I feel better than I did earlier.” 

“That’s very good,” George said softly. “Can you tell me a little bit about how you were feeling earlier?” Rafael shifted in his seat uncomfortably, bending his leg up and crossing it over the other right above the knee. Liv squeezed his hand softly to remind him that she was right there and not going anywhere. 

“It’s been since yesterday. I just--” he started to tear up as he spoke, and he forked a nervous hand through his thick hair again. “It’s been building since before that. Everything is so overwhelming, and I feel like it’s never going to stop. All of this grief, the pain, the sadness. I don’t see a way out, and I’m so tired.” He had to pause, to try and collect himself. He covered his face for a moment, wiping at the tears. “And this morning, I just wanted some fresh air, and I was standing on the balcony, and then--I thought about it.” 

“Can you be a little more specific about that Rafael?” George asked softly. 

“I thought about jumping,” he said. 

“Have you ever thought about suicide before?” George asked. Rafael shook his head. He straightened his shoulders, trying to stop twitching around so much. He felt so helpless, a feeling he wasn’t used to anymore. It had been a long time since he felt so out of control. “Was there anything exactly that brought this on?” Rafael stared at him for a second. There was the easy out of saying it was only because of Sebastian which technically was true, but he hadn’t truly freaked out until Liv suggested having another baby. He didn’t want to hurt her though. She hadn’t meant to upset him so much. Liv looked at him for a second, and understanding crossed her face. She had always been able to read him so easily. 

“I upset him,” Liv said softly, saving him from having to admit it. He was so grateful to her. She was making it easier for him to tell the truth. George looked between them for a second. 

“Rafael?” he asked. “Is that true?” Rafael nodded. 

“She didn’t mean to. It just freaked me out. She asked me about having another baby, and I don’t know….” he trailed off. “It just set me off. It all started with Sebastian though.” 

“Let’s talk about that a little bit,” George suggested. “Is there a reason that upset you so much?” He looked to Liv, and she nodded at him. 

“It hasn’t even been three months since Sebastian died,” he whispered. “And it’d be like replacing him. He was my son, and I’m not ready to let go of him. I couldn’t believe she even suggested that, and I was already so overwhelmed. It was too much.” George turned to Liv. 

“Do you feel like you’re ready to have another child?” George asked. Liv didn’t answer for a couple minutes, and Rafael squeezed her hand this time. Even if he didn’t understand, he still wanted her to know he was there. 

“I just thought it might be good for us. We’re a mess,” Liv whispered. “We’re so overwhelmed by grief, and we were happiest when they were born. I just wanted something happy.” Rafael’s heart went out to her. He could understand what she was saying more than he expected. He wasn’t nearly ready for that conversation though. Not by a long shot. George was quiet for a couple moments before looking up at them. 

“This is the hardest thing a couple could go through. You are both doing your best to get through. Right now, I hear you both searching for a way out, but that takes time. There is no quick fix, not even a baby. Neither of you are ready to be having a conversation like that. When you want a baby because you want another child, then you’re ready. Does that make sense?” George asked. Liv nodded. “And ending your life is a permanent action to try and avoid a temporary feeling. You might mourn and remember Sebastian for the rest of your life, and there is nothing wrong with that, but the pain will decrease Rafael. That doesn’t mean you forget him, but what it does mean is there is life after what you’ve been through.” Rafael nodded softly, but he didn’t see how they could possibly live happily anymore. “Now, Rafael, I need to ask you a couple things, and I need you to answer me honestly,” George said. Rafael nodded. “Are you actively thinking about suicide?” 

“No,” Rafael said. “I feel hopeless, constantly, but I hadn’t thought about it specifically until I was on the balcony.” 

“You don’t have any sort of plan?” George’s voice was soft, but it was like a punch to the gut. Rafael had to shut his eyes again and force himself to breathe. The cool air went through his nose, and he blew it out softly and slowly, trying to keep a hold of himself. 

“No,” Rafael said again. “It’s just thoughts. I have no plans.” 

“And you know that if you start thinking about suicide again, you need to talk to someone. That could be Liv, your therapist, or you could even call me,” George said. Rafael nodded. “I don’t think presently that you’re a risk to yourself. Not enough to take you to the hospital. That would require a plan or an intention to carry out your thoughts. I would like you to try and keep an eye on him though.” He had turned his gaze to Liv by the end. “Or have someone else help. He needs to calm down a little bit. You need to focus on yourself for a little while Rafael. No one else. Just try and get through each day, one at a time. Try to keep yourself occupied, play with your kids, do what makes you feel happy.” 

“Okay, thank you,” Rafael whispered. 

“Of course, I’m so glad you called. Make sure you speak about this with your therapist, and if you feel like you’re going to do something bad, I need you to go to the ER or call 911 and talk to the operator. I think you’re going to be alright though,” George said, standing up. He reached out to shake Rafael’s hand, and then Liv walked him towards the door. Rafael pushed himself up to his feet, dragging his fingers through his hair. He felt so relieved. They didn’t think he was crazy, and they weren’t going to send him to the hospital against his will. He still felt this horrible dread inside of him, and he hoped it would go away soon. He was overloading on emotions. When Liv came back, she looked at him for a couple moments before her hands went to his waist, pulling him closer, and he pressed his face against her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t think about your feelings,” Liv said softly. “I really didn’t mean to upset you so much.” 

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said some of those things. I want to be happy too,” he whispered. Her hand trailed down the back of his neck and over his back. 

“I just want you to know that you’re not alone Rafa. There have been days when I’ve wanted this all to just end.” Her statement took him by surprise, and he tightened his hold around her. He felt tears pricking his eyes. It was hard to see past his own grief, and it felt like a life preserver. He wasn’t so alone. They still had each other to lean on. He took a deep breath, already feeling better. 

………………

Rafael was running around, trying to get all his things together before he was late for work. The morning had been hectic like always. Noah and Sebastian always managed to make it interesting somehow. He was shoving papers in his briefcase when he heard footsteps behind him. “Daddy, someone is ready to go.” Liv’s voice was soft, and he turned around, briefcase in his hand. She had Sebastian in her arms, leaning him against her hip, and he had on khakis and a little button down with suspenders over his shoulders. He looked sharp, and Rafael smiled. 

“You look so grown up,” Rafael said with a big smile, taking a few steps towards Liv so he could take Sebastian into his arms. “Is Noah ready to go?” he asked, and Liv nodded. “Good. Let me just get my jacket, and then we’re going to go to Daddy’s work.” Sebastian smiled hugely at him, his dimples appearing as he looked at Rafael with his big green eyes. “Are you ready?” 

“Are we gonna see Aunt Carmen?” he asked. 

“Si mijo,” Rafael said, heading to the closet so he could put his coat on. He got Sebastian zipped up in his winter jacket before they headed out to the car, the three year old holding his hand in the elevator. Rafael got him buckled into his carseat while Noah climbed in on the other side by himself. Rafael buckled himself into the passenger seat of the car while Liv started the engine. He was shivering. “Jesus Liv,” he whispered. “Are you trying to freeze me to death?” She laughed softly, turning the heat up a little more. 

“You’re such a wimp,” she said, and he smiled. “So what are you and Sebastian going to do today?” Liv asked. 

“Well, first I’m going to get him a donut,” Rafael said, and he could feel Liv glare. He was the one who tended to spoil the boys. It was mostly because his own childhood had been so rough. His parents hadn’t been able to give him much, and his father didn’t even try to be present in Rafael’s life when he wasn’t beating the crap out of him. He wanted his boys to have everything. “Then we’re going to go visit Aunt Carmen and some of Daddy’s work friends. I think we’re gonna get lunch. Then I have a court appearance so that might get a little tricky.” 

“I can come get him if you need me to,” Liv said. She told him about her plans with Noah until she pulled up beside the DAs office so he could get out. He kissed her goodbye, waved to Noah, and got Sebastian out of his carseat, holding his hand on the way inside the building. Sebastian was amused by the metal detectors and security they had to pass through to get in the building, and the guard let him hold his hand-held metal detector for a couple minutes. The smile on Sebastian’s face made Rafael grin. He picked his son up then, carrying him down the hall and to the heavy oak door that lead into his office. He unlocked the door with his key, turning the lights on and helping Sebastian out of his coat. Sebastian explored his office, touching everything even though he’d already been in there multiple times. Rafael had to grab him as he tried to climb into one of the high chairs and onto the table. It was right then that Carmen decided to poke her head into the office. 

“Mr. Barba,” she said, and Rafael turned, Sebastian squirming around desperately in his arms. 

“Aunt Carmen!” He yelled, and Rafael couldn’t hold on any longer. Sebastian ran over, throwing his arms around Carmen and smiling hugely. She gave him a hug, smiling at her boss. 

“Yes Carmen?” Rafael asked. 

“Reverend Curtis called. He wants to speak with you,” she said. 

“Tell the Reverend I’m sorry, but it’ll have to wait until tomorrow,” Rafael said. “And that reminds me, could you get him a donut? I promised him one.” He handed her more than enough cash to get herself a coffee as well like he would any time he sent her out on errand. 

He set Sebastian in his chair while he tried to organize his papers for later, but it was hard to focus when Sebastian kept calling his name. “Daddy!” he said for the fifth time in a row. 

“Yes Sebastian?” Rafael asked. 

“What’s this?” Rafael had to turn to see what his three year old was talking about, and he nearly had a heart attack when he saw Sebastian holding up one of his briefs that he needed for cour later. He quickly grabbed it. 

“They’re papers for court later,” he said. 

“Is court fun?” Sebastian asked, standing up. 

“I like it,” Rafael said. 

“Can I come?” Sebastian asked, taking a step closer to Rafael who scooped him up so he wouldn’t fall off the chair. 

“I don’t know if you’ll like it,” Rafael said. “You have to be really quiet. No noise until court is over.” 

“I can be quiet,” Sebastian said, and Rafael snorted. “I can,” Sebastian insisted, his eyes narrowing. He crossed his arms. “I’ll show you,” Sebastian grumbled, and Rafael laughed again. 

“You do that,” he said, and Sebastian pouted at him. He cheered up a little when Carmen brought him his donut. She also had gotten Rafael a donut and a coffee which he appreciated. He sipped at his coffee, Sebastian settled on his lap as he started working on some paperwork. He wanted to get a few things done before he took Sebastian around the office. 

“If I can be quiet, can I go with you?” Sebastian asked, and Rafael sighed. 

“Okay. If you show me you can be quiet for awhile, sure,” he said. Rafael was fairly confident Sebastian couldn’t be quiet enough for him to say yes. It was surprisingly quiet while Rafael was working on his papers, and he got a lot done until Sebastian put a sticky hand on his shirt, and Rafael groaned. He looked down at his now stained dress shirt for a second before taking a breath. “Do you need something?” he asked. 

“I’m thirsty Daddy,” Sebastian said. Rafael sighed, putting the papers away, and carrying him towards the bathroom. He cleaned Sebastian’s hands off and his face before getting him a drink from the vending machine. He took Sebastian around the office, introducing him to other ADAs, and he loved it. When he was finished, he put Sebastian back in his office, on the couch. 

“Stay right here,” Rafael said, handing him a coloring book and crayons. “I will be right back.” He went over to his desk, getting out his spare shirt so he wouldn’t go to court looking like a slob. He quickly walked to the bathroom. Carmen would surely see if Sebastian left the room, and he was only planning on being gone a few minutes. He took his shirt off, wetting the stain so it hopefully wouldn’t be hard to remove in the laundry. He quickly buttoned up the other shirt, tucking it into his pants, fixing his suspenders, and grabbing his tie as he headed back towards his office. He opened the door, poking his head in, and Sebastian was nowhere to be found. He felt sick. He looked around the office for a moment. “Sebastian?” he called, but there was no answer. Rafael abandoned his tie, going back through the door and taking a few steps toward Carmen’s desk. “Did Sebastian leave my office?” he asked. 

“Not that I noticed,” Carmen replied. “I wasn’t watching him though.” Rafael swore softly, going back in his office and looking around some more, but he didn’t see Sebastian anywhere. He groaned softly. He should have known not to leave him alone. Sebastian was a handful at best, and often found his way into trouble. He resisted the urge to run his fingers through his hair as it would ruin the neat swoop he’d spent fifteen minutes perfecting. Sebastian wasn’t by the couch or in any of the other places he looked, so he headed out of the office, starting to look for him in the hallway. With each passing moment, panic rose more and more inside of him. Losing his child was terrifying. He knew Sebastian was probably fine where ever he was, but Rafael wasn’t sure what he might be doing, what trouble he could be causing. He wanted to find him. It was amazing what a three year old could get into when left to their own devices. Carmen was helping him look, but they were running out of offices to check. How far could Sebastian had gotten in the few minutes he was gone? He finally went back to his office, preparing himself to call Liv. He was going to be in so much trouble, but he needed to find Sebastian. He walked around his desk, sinking down into his chair and he saw movement out of the corner of his eye from under the desk. He sighed with relief when he caught sight of Sebastian who was tucked down in the corner as far back as he could get. 

“Sebastian,” he whispered. “Oh my God, come here.” Sebastian was smiling when he climbed out from under the desk, and Rafael wanted to scold him, but he just pulled him into his arms, hugging him close and kissing his face. “You scared me.” 

“I was quiet,” Sebastian said with a smile, and Rafael frowned at him. “I was quiet. Can I go to court with you now?” Understanding dawned on him, and Rafael couldn’t help but tip his head back, letting it rest against the leather chair, a laugh bubbling out of his chest. Sebastian had been very quiet. He couldn’t deny that. “Daddy,” Sebastian exclaimed, hitting Rafael in the chest. 

“Hey, that’s not nice,” Rafael said gently, but seriously, grabbing Sebastian’s hand.  “You were quiet.” He didn’t really want to take Sebastian into the courtroom, but he wasn’t a liar, so he he was pretty much stuck. “I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna call Mommy, and if she and Noah can come and sit with you, you can come. Okay?” Sebastian nodded, placated by Rafael’s offer. “Alright, since you nearly gave Daddy a heart attack, how about we go get some lunch?” Sebastian nodded excitedly. Rafael got him in his coat again, just glad to have him in his arms. He would have to tell Liv eventually that he had momentarily lost their son, but he wanted to put that off. She probably would think it was funny, but it made him feel like a bad parent. After they enjoyed burgers and Sebastian drank an entire milkshake, Rafael called Liv on their way back to the office. 

“Hey handsome,” she said softly. “How’s your day going?” 

“Oh, it’s been interesting to say the least,” he replied. “Sebastian would like to come with me to court, so I was wondering if you’d be able to watch him in the gallery.” 

“I think Noah and I can swing that,” Liv said. “You’ll have to tell me later what happened.” He snorted. 

“Alright, I’ll see you soon then,” he said. 

“Yeah, love you,” Liv replied. 

“Love you too,” he whispered before hanging up the phone. Sebastian was very excited about going to court, and he kept squirming around in Rafael’s arms. He let him help put the papers in his briefcase before they caught a cab to the courthouse. Liv met him at the top of the steps, and she took Sebastian for him. Noah was smiling, and Rafael ruffled his hair. “How’s your day been mister?” he asked. 

“Good,” Noah said. “Uncle Sonny bought me cupcakes.” 

“ _ Cupcakes _ ? As in multiple?” Rafael asked, and Noah nodded. “You are going to have a stomach ache later.” 

“No fair,” Sebastian whined. “I want a cupcake.” 

“You had a milkshake and a donut,” Rafael said. “I think you’ve had enough sugar for one day.” Sebastian pouted, but Liv laughed softly. “I need to get in there or I’m going to be late.” 

“Good luck,” Liv said, pressing her lips against his. 

“Ew,” Sebastian whispered, and Rafael laughed. He kissed Sebastian’s forehead next, and then Noah’s. 

“Good luck Dad,” Noah said. 

“Yeah, luck Daddy,” Sebastian said with a smile, and Rafael couldn’t stop the curl of his lips. 

“I’ll see you guys later,” he said, heading inside. The case went fairly well, and Rafael had prepared thoroughly. He only had a few witnesses on his list, but it was all he needed, and he tore one defense witness to shreds on cross before the day was through. Sebastian was asleep when he made it over to Liv, and he smiled. 

“Did you lose him?” she asked softly with a snort. He blushed. 

“Maybe for ten minutes,” he whispered, and she raised an eyebrow. “Okay fine twenty.” She laughed. She took his hand. 

“Good job today,” she whispered. He took Noah’s hand, looking at his little family, and remembering days of going home to an empty apartment after a day like this, but not anymore. He was so grateful. 

…………………..

Rafael was laying on the couch, fighting with himself. It was a constant struggle. One minute, he would feel fine and the next, he’d feel hopeless. He shut his eyes, keeping his breathing even and slow. A soft hand on his shoulder startled him. “Rafa, you should get up and do something for a little bit,” Liv said. He rolled over on his side, covering his face, but she shook his shoulder again. “Rafa, Noah needs some help with his English, why don’t you go do that? Come on, up.” She brushed her fingers through his hair, and he made himself breathe some more. He slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position. 

“Where is he?” he asked softly. 

“In his room. I’m going to make you both some lunch,” Liv said. Rafael nodded gratefully, forcing himself up to his feet. He headed back to Noah’s room, knocking on the door. Noah was sitting on his bed, staring at the paper, and when Rafael looked closer, he saw tear tracks on Noah’s cheeks. 

“Hey,” Rafael said, taking a seat on the edge of Noah’s bed. “Are you okay?” Noah shrugged. “I know this is all scary, but I know you can do this.” 

“I don’t know Dad,” Noah mumbled. 

“I’m right here to help you,” Rafael said softly. He already felt distracted. Noah handed him the paper, and Rafael read over it. “Do you need help brainstorming?” Rafael asked. He was supposed to write a paragraph story. Noah nodded. “Well, let’s see, what’s one thing that you can remember really well? You could write a memory.” 

“When you came over for dinner, and we fell asleep on the couch?” Noah asked. Rafael smiled. That had been early in his relationship with Liv, and he was surprised Noah even remembered it. 

“Yeah, that’s good. Why don’t you write about that. Why it’s important to you or why you remember it so well,” Rafael said. Noah sniffled, wiping at his face, and he picked up the pencil. Rafael sat with him while he worked, occasionally helping him with spelling. When he finished, he handed the paper over to Rafael who was going to start reading it, but Liv knocked on the door before coming in with their lunch. Liv took a seat on the bed beside Rafael. 

“How are you feeling?” She asked. He shrugged. 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“Your Mom is coming by soon just as a heads up,” Liv said, and he nodded. He started to pick at the food Liv brought. 

“Where’s Leo?” he asked. 

“Asleep. He’ll probably be up soon though,” Liv explained. Once Rafael finished his lunch, he picked the paper up again, starting to read it. 

_ At first my family was just my mom and me. I always had lots of family from my Mom’s work, and they came over a lot. That’s how I met my Dad. Before he was my Dad, I called him Uncle Rafa.  _

Rafael stopped for a second, a grin on his face. It felt like a separate lifetime, but those were good memories all the same. Dating Liv had been fulfilling and exciting, and it was then that he learned how to be a father to Noah. When it had still been tenuous, he felt insecure about being a parent potentially. He wanted to prove himself to Olivia because he knew if he was going to spend his life with her, he was going to spend his life with Noah as well. The thought had been both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. 

_ There were nights when Uncle Rafa would stay after everyone else. He always made me laugh, and he made my mom laugh. One night, my Mom invited him over for dinner, and this time it was just the three of us. We were having spaghetti because it’s my favorite. When Uncle Rafa came over, he made me smile like he always would. We played with my legos while Mom made dinner.  _

He remembered that as clear as day. He had been down on the floor with Noah after a really long day at work. His knees had been aching, and he had been so glad he bothered to change into jeans and a sweater instead of sticking with his suit. He and Liv had been talking about broaching the subject of their relationship with Noah. They were constantly talking about trying to keep him comfortable and let him know he could talk to them. He remembered building things with legos, following Noah’s lead as he stacked them together. He also remembered having a goofy smile on his face the whole time. 

_ When we ate dinner, Uncle Rafa always talked to me. He didn’t tell me I was too little to understand, and he always made me feel important. Then we went into the living room to watch a movie, and I sat between Uncle Rafa and my Mom. He asked me if I was okay with him coming around more, and I said yes. Afterwards, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he was snoring.  _

Rafael snorted. He had been tired after work, and it was dark in the room, Noah laying half on top of him, already asleep. He hadn’t been able to keep his eyes open no matter how hard he tried. Usually when Noah fell asleep, he would find himself with alone time just for Olivia, and he wouldn’t complain about that, but he hadn’t been able to stay awake. When he woke up, Noah was smiling at him, and laughing, and he had felt like he could be a part of that. He could be included in their family. That moment had meant something to him. 

_ I didn’t know then that he would be my Dad, but I didn’t forget what happened. I felt safe with him, and that was the first time he stayed over at our house. He made my Mom happier, and when he joined our family, it made me happier too. That was the first night I remember him acting like my Dad. _

Rafael had tears in his eyes, and he pulled Noah in for a hug. “I really like it buddy. You did a really good job. Now you should read over it later, out loud, and try to fix any mistakes you see. Okay?” Noah nodded. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah whispered. Liv hand a hand on Rafael’s shoulder, and when he looked to her, she was smiling. She squeezed softly before gently draping her arms over his shoulders, leaning down but his face. 

“You stay in here with him for a little bit. I’m going to talk with your mother. I’ve got it under control,” she said softly, and he nodded gratefully. He knew she would probably be upset when Liv told her what happened, but they were trying to keep it in the open. Liv wanted everyone to be able to keep an eye on him if need be, and he agreed. As Liv left the room, he heard Leo crying, so he went to go get him out of his crib. He calmed down almost immediately when Rafael got him up, and he smiled, kissing his youngest’s cheek. 

“It’s okay buddy,” he whispered. “We’re going to go sit with Noah.” 

“Noah,” Leo said with a big smile. 

“Yeah, that’s right,” Rafael said. When he got inside the bedroom, Ketchup had jumped up on the bed, curling up beside Noah. Rafael took a seat beside them both, and he was surprised at how calm he felt considering how he’d been feeling earlier. It just took his babies to remind him that life was worth living.

*******

Liv answered the door at the sound of a knock, knowing it was Lucia. She was preparing herself for this conversation. Liv could only imagine how Lucia would feel when she heard what Liv had to say. If she heard that one of her boys was feeling the same way Rafael had been, it would shatter her heart into pieces. The bond between a mother an a child was unique, and she knew this was going to hurt Lucia. She also knew she would want and deserved to know. Lucia was at the door, her purse hanging off her shoulder, and Liv took a deep breath, smiling softly. “Lucia, come in,” she said. 

“Liv, how are you?” she asked. 

“I’m well, thank you for asking,” Liv said, moving aside so Lucia could enter. She took a seat on the couch, and Liv sat beside her. “Can I get you some water?” she asked. 

“Sure, thank you,” Lucia said, and Liv pushed herself up from the couch, getting a glass form the cabinet and filling it with water from the fridge. When she sat back down, Lucia looked at her questioningly. “Where is Rafi?” she asked. 

“That’s what I wanted to talk with you about. He’s back in Noah’s bedroom right now. He said he went to see you?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah, the other night. He was very upset,” Lucia said. “I talked with him.” 

“Thank you for doing that,” Liv said. “I’m afraid I upset him a lot. Sonny stayed the night, but before either of us woke up, Rafael went out on the balcony. He said he just wanted some fresh air, but by the time I was awake, he was considering ending it.” Lucia stared at her for a second, uncomprehending, and then it hit her, and tears began to fill her eyes. She covered her mouth with one hand. “I’m telling you his because he needs watched carefully,” Liv said. 

“My baby,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have let him go home. I knew he was hurting. I just didn’t think he would---” 

“He didn’t,” Liv said. “He’s okay. Look at me Lucia, he’s okay.” 

“He’s not okay,” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He is not okay at all. I should have helped him more. He’s been falling apart since this all happened. He needs help.”

“I had a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist speak with him, and he doesn't believe that Rafael is presently a threat to himself. Sonny has been helping me keep an eye on him,” Liv said. “We’re watching him closely.” 

“W-Why didn’t you call me right away? He needs me right now. He must be in so much pain,” Lucia said softly, and Liv wanted to calm her down. She was frantic and that was not the energy that Rafael needed to be around. 

“Okay Lucia take a few deep breaths. We’re trying to keep him calm. I need you to be calm,” Liv said. “I know this is hard. It breaks my heart that he’s feeling so poorly, but he needs everyone to be calm.” 

“You lost your child,” Lucia said. “He is my child. You’re telling me I almost lost him.” 

“Okay, woah, calm down. It was just thoughts. George doesn’t think he’s at a point where he would go through with it,” Liv said. 

“Does it matter?” she asked. Liv took a deep breath. 

“He’s okay right now. Can you try and breathe?” she asked. “I can get Rafael when you calm down a little bit.” She nodded, wiping at her eyes, and Liv pulled her into a hug. “We just have to love him, take care of him, and help him get through this. He’s going to be okay.” Liv understood why she was scared. The thought of losing Rafael on top of having already lost Sebastian, it was unbearable, but she knew he was trying. Liv knew he was doing his best, and she was going to do everything she could to get him through. Lucia sipped at her water for a little while, trying to calm down, and Liv breathed a sigh of relief now that that conversation was over. She had known Lucia wouldn’t take it well, but she seemed to be calm enough to bring Rafael out now. “Would you like me to go get him?” Liv asked. Lucia nodded, so she headed back to the bedroom, knocking on the door. She poked her head in. “Rafa, you should probably head to the living room now. I’ll sit in here with these two and give you some privacy.” Rafael nodded, standing up. Leo reached for him though. 

“Daddy,” he called, and Rafael scooped him up again, kissing his forehead. 

“I’ll be back,” he promised, handing Leo off to Olivia. 

“You’ll do good,” she said softly, and he nodded. He was a little nervous, his hands shaking just slightly. Rafael put his hand on the door, hesitating a moment before he pulled it open. He headed down the hall and around the corner into the living room where his mother was seated on the couch. She had obviously been crying, and he felt guilty. He stood in the doorway for a couple seconds, trying to keep himself calm. He was starting to feel on edge again. 

“Rafi,” his mother said, her voice wavering with tears, and he felt the familiar burn of tears in his eyes like hot pokers. His throat stung, and he tried to swallow around the quickly forming lump. “Come sit,” she said, and he felt his feet moving forward until he bent down, taking a seat at her side. Her arms immediately went around him, one hand tangling in the hair on the back of his head, stroking through it, holding him close. “My baby,” she whispered. “Mijo, lo siento. Te amo mucho.” His lip quivered, and he tried to hold the tears back, but it was too much, and the dam broke. “Oh Rafi, I love you,” she whispered, her hand stroking over the back of his neck and down between his shoulders. Hitching sobs were overwhelming him as he clutched at her. He felt bad for upsetting her so much. 

“Lo siento Mami, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. 

“No,” she said. “You don’t have to be sorry Rafi. I’m glad you asked for help.” He pressed his face against her shirt, and she kept soothing him, kissing the top of his head. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

“If I lost you….losing Sebastian has been so awful. Please promise me you’ll call if you need me,” she said. 

“Te prometo,” he whispered. She put her hands on his cheeks, cupping his face as she gently pushed him back, meeting his eyes. 

“I love you no matter what. You are going to get through this,” she whispered. “It’s not fair that he died, but he would want you to go on Rafa. He would want you to be happy.” 

“I can’t let him go,” he whispered. 

“You don’t have to,” Lucia said, brushing away a few tears that rolled down his cheeks. 

“I need him. I need to remember him,” Rafael said. 

“You had five years Rafael. No one can take those from you. You won’t forget him. I promise you won’t. He was your son, and you loved him. You’ll remember him,” Lucia said softly. 

“He was just a baby,” he whispered. “I want answers. I want to know why. I want him back.” 

“I don’t know that there are answers darling,” his mother whispered. “Did Detective Carisi find anything for you?” 

“He told me--” Rafael paused, sniffling. “He was still asking around. There was some confusion about which kids were where. There were so many of them who died. I don’t think he wants to tell me.” Rafael had been a little nervous to ask again. He still wanted to know, but was questioning if he was ready to hear what he was asking for. “I’m so scared that he was alone. I don’t want him to be alone. I--I thought--I want to be with him.” 

“Oh sweetheart,” she whispered, pulling him close again. He leaned against her for the longest time, letting himself cry and get the emotions out. The hopelessness was suffocating. He felt like it wasn’t going to stop or get better anytime soon, but he told himself he had to hold on. Rafael forced himself to take a few deep breaths before he tried to pull himself back together. Finally, he started to calm down a little bit, and he heard footsteps coming from the hallway. The couch dipped beside him, and he felt a hand on his arm. He knew it was Liv. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “We’re all here for you. This is all going to get better, okay?” 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“Alright,” Liv said, running her fingers through his hair. He sniffled. “It’s going to be okay.” 

“Where’s Leo?” Rafael asked softly. “I want him. Noah too.” 

“Okay,” Liv said, standing back up. “I’ll got get them.” Noah came out first, climbing up onto the couch and hugging his father, and Liv appeared, Leo balanced on her hip. She was talking to him softly before she set him down in Rafael’s lap. He held onto his boys, shutting his eyes and trying to remember to breathe evenly. Leo was so calming to him with his happy smiles and innocent eyes peering up at Rafael. Leo’s hands were cold on Rafael’s face, but he smiled as his son started wiping at the tears. 

“Don’t cry,” he whispered, and Rafael laughed softly, sniffling. 

“I love you Leo,” he whispered, hand cradling the back of Leo’s head, fingers forking through his soft brown hair, a shade lighter than Sebastian’s. Rafael’s fingers dragged over Leo’s scalp gently, his other arm around Noah, keeping him close as well. Leo pressed his face against Rafael’s chest, and he leaned his face down against Leo’s hair. “And you too Noah.” They were getting him through the pain. 

“Dad,” Noah said softly. “I still need to finish my work.” 

“I can help you Noah,” Lucia offered softly, so Rafael let him go, holding tight to Leo who was content to sit in his lap and watch the muted tv. Liv took a seat beside him, her fingers tangling in his shaggy hair. 

“You probably should get a haircut,” she whispered. He didn’t have the motivation to go out anywhere and get it done. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. His jaw was scratchy, his beard getting to the point where he was going to need to shave very soon if he didn’t want to look like a hobo. “I’ll go with you,” she offered. He sighed, shrugging his shoulders before she leaned over, surprising him when she pressed her lips against his own. He froze for a second before regaining his bearings and leaning into it. It was nice to have that closeness, that little bit of intimacy. Her hand cupped his cheek, keeping him close as she pulled back slightly. “Your beard is scratchy,” she whispered. He laughed. She was used to him always being clean shaven for work. It was very rare that he would go a day without shaving. Usually, they had to be on vacation or something of that nature, and neither of them took very much vacation. She didn’t seem to mind too much though as she pulled him back in for another kiss. He let his lips fall into a frown, eyes pleading with her to come back when she pulled away, and she smiled at him. “If you go get a shave, you can have more,” she whispered. He let out a little huff, and she laughed. 

“This is blackmail,” he whispered. 

“More like bribery,” she replied with a laugh, and he sighed dramatically. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael said softly, looking sadly out the window. 

“It’ll be good for you. Let’s go,” Liv said. “Your Mom can watch Leo, and we’re going to go get you a haircut and a shave, and then we can get something to eat. Okay?” He hesitated for a couple minutes before finally giving in. He held onto Leo for another few moments before Liv took him, heading back towards Noah’s bedroom. Rafael pushed himself up to his feet, going back to the bedroom to make himself presentable. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a thin pullover hoodie. When he went in the bathroom to brush his teeth, he grimaced. He really did need a haircut and a shave. He barely recognized himself. He ran his fingers through his thick hair, sighing softly before brushing his teeth. He felt so tired, splashing water on his face before pulling his jacket on and tying his shoes. Liv was waiting for him by the door, keys in her hands. She held his hand during the elevator ride. He was starting to feel a little bit on edge again. Going out in public made him a little bit anxious. His whole life was turned upside down. Liv squeezed his hand like she could feel his distress. “I’m here,” she whispered. He scrubbed at his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Don’t be,” she said. He was quiet during the car ride, but Liv didn’t let him brood. She kept up the conversation, pulling answers out of him. He walked into barbershop sheepishly. He had been going there for twenty years, and as soon as his barber saw him in this state, he was going to be mince meat. 

_ “Rafael Barba, qué es esto!?”  _ He had barely stepped in the door when the little old lady was already yelling at him. “What have you done to yourself mijo, you look like you’re homeless!” she exclaimed, steering him into a chair immediately. “You have ruined all my hard work, dios mio, hold still. You need the works.” 

“Hello to you too,” he whispered, but the little old lady just smacked him in the the shoulder. 

“Don’t you hello me, hombrecito. Sit still,” She said, looking over his hair and face. She grabbed his hand. “Have you been biting your nails?” she asked. “This is going to take hours. Get comfortable.” 

“Señora Vásquez,” he whined. “Por favor, just my hair and face.” She turned towards Olivia. 

“What do you think Olivia?” she asked. “Facial? Manicure? I think he needs the works.” She laughed softly, and he narrowed his eyes, giving her a look that screamed  _ don’t you dare. _

“Give him all of it,” she said, and Señora Vásquez smiled. Rafael groaned softly. She draped a cape over him, buttoning it around his neck so she wouldn’t get hair on his clothes. 

“You know the drill Rafi, up. Vámonos, to the sink,” she said, and he stood up with a groan, following her back to the familiar sink. He was shooting dirty looks at Liv the whole way back, but she just smirked at him. She was seated in the front, and she picked up a magazine, ignoring his glares. He sat down heavily in the chair, leaning back so she could wash his hair. Her fingers were gentle as they brushed through his thick locks, working the water through it. It felt nice as her nails gently dragged across his scalp. She worked shampoo into his hair, letting it sit for  few minutes before washing it out and then conditioning it. He was sure his hair was soft. Everytime she did this, it would get fluffy and so soft that Liv would run her hands through it for hours sometimes. They headed back to the front then, and he took a seat in the chair, leaning back. Señora Vásquez draped a hot towel over his face before she started to cut his hair. He tried to just relax, shutting his eyes and letting himself enjoy it. It had been awhile since he had her do a full work over on him. She ended up combing his hair and working the knots out more than he wanted to think about. He was a mess, emotionally, and consequently physically as well. It took her a lot longer than usual to cut his hair, and then she was pulling the towel off his face, and rubbing shaving cream into his beard. She put another hot towel on his face, and his eyes slipped shut once more. She started working on his nails, trimming them and filing them carefully. He sighed softly. It felt nice to relax. He was half asleep in the chair by the time she pulled the towel off once more and started to stretch his skin so she could start to scrape the razor blade across his skin. He swallowed heavily, suddenly fighting with himself again. The feeling of the sharp blade against his neck. The thought that all the pain could go away. He clenched his jaw, trying to calm down and stop thinking like that. He was trying to tell himself that it was worth fighting. He felt like a coward, wanting to take the easy way out. Thankfully she was quick and efficient, and it didn’t take her very long to finish his shave. After she rubbed the aftershave on his face, she pulled out he steamer, getting ready to give him a facial, but he cut her off. 

“Gracias Señora Vásquez, muchos gracias,” he whispered. “I think you’ve done plenty though. What do I owe you?” He started pulling his wallet out as she took the cape off of him, but she put a hand on his arm. 

“Rafi, it’s on the house,” she said softly, and he frowned. 

“No, let me pay you,” he said softly. 

“For you, it’s free. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot,” she said softly. “He’s in my prayers.” He let her pull him into a hug. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you.” The next time he was in there, he was going to tip her enough that he covered this visit. 

“Take care mijo, I better see you before you look like a hobo again. Dios mio,” she said, patting his face, and he nodded. 

“Te prometo,” he whispered. Liv was standing up now, waiting for him. She pressed a kiss to his now smooth cheek when he made it to her side. 

“Much better,” she whispered. “You’re so handsome. It’s a shame to cover up your face.” He took her hand in his as they left the shop, and he took a few deep breaths. He just kept repeating it in his head.  _ Life is worth living.  _ He just hoped he could convince himself. 

********

Liv looked at him over the table. He could feel her eyes on him, but his were glued to the burrito in front of him. He wasn’t really all that hungry. Her feet brushed against his under the table, and he finally looked up, smiling slightly. It was for her sake, of course. She took a bite of her salad. “You’re so handsome,” she said softly, and he smiled genuinely. 

“I need to tell you something,” he said softly. It was gnawing at him. He needed to be honest with her. “I was thinking about it again when she was shaving my face,” he whispered. “Just thinking about dying. Jesus, Liv, I feel like a coward.”  

“You’re not a coward. You’re so brave Rafa. You’re trying so hard to get through this,” she said. “I’m glad you told me. You just keep telling me whenever you thinking about hurting yourself.”

“At least I don’t look like I crawled out of a sewer drain or something anymore,” he whispered, and she laughed. 

“You look so much better,” She agreed. He smiled again, picking up the burrito and taking a bite. He still wasn’t very hungry, but he was trying to make himself eat. He needed to take care of himself for his kids’ sake. “Thank you for doing this,” she said softly. 

“You’re welcome,” he whispered. “It did make me feel a little better.” 

“You look like a different person,” She said with a laugh. “You always look handsome though.” 

“That’s a lie,” he said, a smile playing on his lips. 

“When’s the last time I lied to you?” Liv asked. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Probably never.” 

“Eat your burrito so we can go home,” she said softly, and he was grateful for her. He was grateful she watched out for him all the time and loved him even when he didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t imagine his life without her. 

********

Rafael was laying reclined on the couch, Leo fast asleep on top of him. Noah had gone to bed hours before so he would be able to get up and do schoolwork the next day. They were trying to keep him on a schedule so he would feel more secure. It was starting to get late, and Rafael was considering heading back to bed even if it was just to watch tv for an hour or two. He didn’t want to let go of Leo though. “Rafa?” Liv’s voice was soft. He looked up, catching her gaze. 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” she whispered. “You wanna go back to the bedroom with me?” He looked at her for a couple minutes before nodding. “Here, I’ll go put Leo in bed.” She took the two year old from his arms, and Rafael got up with a sigh. 

“Wait,” he said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to the top of Leo’s head. “Good night sweet boy.” Liv smiled before heading down the hallway with Leo. Rafael got himself a glass of water before heading back to the bedroom. He was changing into his pajamas when Liv came in. Her arms wrapped around his waist from behind, and he smiled. He swiveled in her arms, leaning down for a kiss. Everytime she kissed him, his heart soared. He would never get tired of it. He pulled her close, needing the physical comfort. Her hand stroked over his back before moving up to rest across the back of his neck as he kissed her. Every time he pulled away, he leaned back in for more, and she smiled, indulging him with soft swipes of her tongue across his lower lip before she delved into his mouth. He sighed softly, hands gripping at her hips. She walked him backwards until his legs hit the bed, and he took a seat, pouting at her when she didn’t lean down for another kiss. “You said I could have more kisses,” he whispered, and she smiled. 

“I think I owe you a little more than that,” Liv said, pushing his knees apart and sinking down between them. He looked at her with dark eyes, but shook his head. 

“You don’t owe me anything,” he whispered. 

“I promised,” she said, hands running down his strong thighs. 

“You never owe me that,” Rafael said seriously. He felt like it had to be said. 

“I know,” she whispered, looking up at him, eyes meeting his. “I want to if you’ll let me.” He swallowed heavily, finally nodding. He wasn’t sure what his body could handle. All the emotions coursing through him had him off balance and uneasy, but Liv knew just how to work him up. She pulled at the boxers he had just pulled on, yanking them off his hips and down his legs, hands rubbing over his quads. He was leaning back on his hands, watching her with eyes so dark, his pupils dilated. She pushed his tee shirt up, kissing over his stomach with an open mouth. He sighed softly, trying to keep his eyes open. She was so beautiful. Her lips were soft and warm against him as she kissed across his lower belly, working her way lower and lower. His breath caught in his throat when she gently wrapped her fingers around his thick length. He felt so dizzy and lightheaded like all the blood in his body was traveling south. 

“Fuuuuck,” he mumbled. “Liv, oh shit.” She was kissing over his hip bone, teasing him, her hand gently stroking up and down his length. His cock was twitching in her grip, quickly coming to attention, and many of his worries about performance slipped from his mind. Liv was too good. Her thumb swiped over the smooth head of his dick before she continued to pump her hand up and down. She leaned her head down, finally closing her lips around his tip, and his hips jerked forward. “Sorry,” he mumbled. She tightened her lips as she took more of his length in, and he gasped, hand clutching at the comforter, making it a wrinkled mess. Her tongue dragged along the underside as she bobbed up and down. It was so hot and wet, he wasn’t sure how long he could hold on. His eyes were squeezed shut. He was scared that if he opened them, he would come on the spot. Liv gently pulled off him, stroking his leg. 

“You can touch my hair if you want,” she said softly. He swallowed heavily, letting his body fall back so his back was flat on the bed. When she swallowed him back down, his fingers tangled in her hair. 

“Oh good lord Olivia,” he mumbled. His hips were jerking, rising of their own accord, and he was getting close. She gently fondled his balls, and he let out a strangled moan. 

“Are you close?” she asked softly, and he nodded frantically. 

“Yes,” he whispered. 

“Just let go,” she said softly, taking him back in and swallowing around him a few times. She dragged her fingers across his perineum, and that threw him over. He let out a litany of swear words, her name intermingled among the profanity. Most of it was incoherent anyways. Liv was up beside him when he finally opened his eyes. She stroked her fingers through his damp hair. “Was that worth the haircut?” 

“Mmm, I’ll go get another one tomorrow,” he whispered, and she laughed. “Come here, I’m gonna return the favor.” 

“Oh Rafa, you don’t have to,” she said, but he raised an eyebrow at her. 

“You know I wouldn’t dare leave you hanging, lay down,” he said. “Whatever you want.” She sucked in a sharp breath, and he smiled. She was so gorgeous, and he was going to absolutely ravish her. He always felt giddy when she let him go to town on her. He wanted to taste every last inch of her body. He peeled the shirt from her body, revealing smooth skin. He started on her neck, sucking on the spot that made her squirm beneath him. He pressed his face between her breasts after unclasping her bra, kissing his way up to her nipple before drawing it into his mouth, and she arched against him with a desperate gasp. Drinking in the noises she was making, he flicked his tongue over her nipple, fingers drawing the other to a nice stiff peak. He could worship her for hours. Her fingers were tangled in his newly cut hair as he worked his way down her stomach, popping the button on her jeans and slowly pulling them down her hips. He would never grow tired of her body. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life, and he had no idea how anyone had ever let her go. Once he got her panties down her hips and off, he sat back drinking in the sight of her laying in their bed before he nudged her legs apart so he could get better access. 

“It’s a good thing you got that shave,” she said breathlessly with a laugh. He smiled before dragging his tongue down her smooth thigh, working over towards where she wanted him the most. He nipped at the inside of her leg before he finally dragged his tongue through her folds. She let out a breathy moan, reaching for his hair as he got to work. He was loud, always, playing up the noises as he insistently lapped at her. She tensed up when he started small circles with his tongue over her clit, slipping two fingers down so he could ease them inside of her. She pulled at his hair, and he latched onto her clit, sucking. “Rafa, oh, right there. Don’t stop,” she whispered. She had a pretty tight hold on his hair, but she knew he’d tap her leg if he needed air. He crooked his fingers, and she threw her head back, pulling harder on him. He just kept going, hard at work, and she could barely think. He tilted her hips up even more, giving her clit a break. She whimpered, and he laughed, crooking his fingers again. “Jesus, Rafael, please.” She was starting to buck against him, her heels digging into his shoulder blades as she ground herself against his face. She felt dizzy with arousal. She looked down at him, and his dark eyes peering up at her from between her legs was too much and it threw her over the edge. Her chest was heaving, and he was looking down at her contentedly, appreciating the effects of his work.

“I’m going to have to get my hair cut more often,” he whispered, leaning up and slotting his lips over her own. She opened her mouth for him, his tongue delved into her mouth, dancing along hers, and she moaned softly, pulling his bottom lip between her teeth. 

“I love you,” she whispered, and he let her pull him into her arms. They just laid together, limbs tangled for hours. He felt so much calmer than before, the closeness making him relax. Eventually though, he pulled himself up to brush his teeth, and when he came back, he pulled on some boxers. Liv was on her side, asleep, and he crawled into bed, under the covers, wrapping his arms around her waist. He was having trouble falling asleep though. Thoughts were racing through his mind. He had just felt more free than he had in weeks, but there was this nagging feeling of guilt inside of him. What business did he have letting go like that? How could he be having such a good time after what happened to Sebastian? His son was dead, and he was indulging himself instead of doing something, anything about it. All he had been doing ever since was laying around and feeling sorry for himself, and no changes had been made. He wasn’t doing anything. He felt his heart rate start to pick up, and he wished Liv was awake. He had felt calm when she was holding him, but now he was in the dark, left to his own self destructive thoughts, and he couldn’t stop hating himself for doing nothing. He was breathing heavier now, gasping for air, and his head was starting to feel airy and light. He laid there for a long time, alone for all intents and purposes. He could feel himself starting down a dark path, and he worried if he let himself go, he would start considering hurting himself again. He was grateful he wasn’t there yet though. He needed to stop this spiral before it snowballed to the point where a crash would be inevitable. He gently shook Liv’s shoulder. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Jesus, Liv, I’m sorry, I need you.” 

“Hmm?” she whispered, and he was fighting tears now. 

“Liv.” It was all he had to say before she opened her eyes, clearly hearing the distress that was clear in his tone of voice. She turned over, looking at him, concern evident in her eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked softly, but he was breaking, pressing his face against her shirt. She wrapped her arms around him automatically, fingers gently soothing through his hair, rubbing against his scalp as he cried. Her voice was gentle and soothing. “Shh,” she murmured. “I’m right here.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she shook her head. 

“Don’t apologize. I’m here,” she murmured, and he tried to internalize her words, to pull himself from the panic that was coursing through his veins. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” she asked softly, and he sniffled. 

“What am I doing?” he whispered. “How could I let myself...he’s dead Liv, and we’re down here fooling around like nothing ever happened. All I’ve done is sit around since he died. Nothing has changed, nothing is getting better.” 

“Rafa,” she sighed. “That’s not fair to do to yourself. Sebastian wouldn’t want you to never have a good time ever again, would he?” 

“No,” Rafael whispered with a watery voice. 

“When have you had time to do something? You would’ve fallen apart,” Liv said. “You’re doing your best to get through, and then you’re going to do whatever you feel is necessary.” 

“What if I can’t do anything?” he whispered. 

“Rafa, you’re going to do whatever you can,” Liv said. 

“I should be making a difference, doing whatever I can,” he said softly. “I should be making sure this doesn’t happen to another five year old baby with their whole life ahead of them.” 

“That is too much weight to be putting on your own shoulders,” Liv whispered. “You need time to mourn our son. You need time to be okay again.” 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Don’t think I’m sorry for...I enjoyed what happened, it’s just….everything feels so wrong.” 

“Okay, breathe for a couple minutes. Try to calm down,” Liv said. “You’re not thinking about hurting yourself?” she asked. He shook his head. “Good, that’s really good. I am so proud of you for waking me up and asking for help when you needed it, and it’s good that you aren’t having those thoughts. It’s going to get easier, I promise.” He sniffled but nodded. He felt better with Liv there. She always seemed to be able to talk him down when he started to panc. She had stopped the spiral right in its tracks, and he was starting to calm down as he took long, deep breaths. 

********

“And then you just carry the two,” Rafael said softly, pointing to numbers, and Noah looked at him unsurely. 

“That’s not what they said…” he trailed off before doing what Rafael told him to do. 

“Does what I said make sense?” he asked softly, and Noah nodded. “Okay, now try the next one on your own.” Rafael was laying on Noah’s bed, petting Ketchup while Noah worked on his math problems. He had just put Leo down for a nap. Ketchup leaned into his hand, and Rafael couldn’t help smiling at the puppy. 

“Dad?” Noah asked, and Rafael looked over to him. “Are you and Mom going back to work?” 

“Yeah,” Rafael said after a couple minutes. “Not for another couple weeks, but yes, we have to go back to work soon. We’re thinking about having Lucy come watch you and Leo. Does that sound okay?” 

“I guess,” Noah said. 

“If you need us, you can have Lucy call,” he said. “I’ll answer my phone or call you back if I’m in court.” 

“I like Lucy,” Noah said softly, and Rafael smiled. Ketchup started whining and nudging at Rafael’s hand. He jumped down from the bed, looking from Rafael to the door, and he sighed. 

“Looks like someone needs to go out,” he said softly. 

“I’ll do it,” Noah said, and Rafael stopped, looking over at him. 

“Yeah?” he asked, and Noah nodded. As Noah stood up though, he felt a wave of overprotectiveness, and he stood up. He didn’t want his son going outside by himself even if it was just down to the street. He didn’t want to let him out of his sight out of the house after what happened with Sebastian. “I’m gonna come down with you,” Rafael said, following him. Noah didn’t argue, putting on his coat and shoes after getting Ketchup on his leash, and Rafael zipped up his own coat, glad to see Noah so willing to go outside. 

*********

“Here, I brought beer,” Sonny said, and Rafael made a face. He picked up one of the cans, looking it over. 

“You could’ve gotten it in a bottle,” he said softly. He hated beer cans. One too many had been chucked at his head, empty, crushed up cans littering the floors of their house. “I haven’t had beer in a long time.” 

“Drink it,” Sonny said, pulling on the tab until the hiss of the can sounded out loudly, amber foam bubbling up. Rafael took the can, grimacing at it for a second before taking a sip. It tasted nasty, just like he remembered, but he took another one anyways. Sonny had apparently decided that Rafael needed some extra company, and he wasn’t going to argue because the only adult contact he’d been having was with Liv and his mother. Rafael had a few snacks out. He wasn’t sure where Liv had disappeared off to. Noah and Leo were in bed. 

“How are you two holding up?” Sonny asked. “Are you feeling any better?” 

“Taking it one day at a time,” he whispered. “We’re trying so hard, but some days it feels impossible. You know, you saw me breaking down just a few days ago.” 

“You pulled yourself together though,” Sonny said. “When did your Mom leave?” 

“At lunch,” Rafael said. “I told her to go take a break. She’s been here for days between work, staying up with me when I need it.” 

“Sounds like you need a distraction,” Sonny said. Rafael shrugged, turning his attention to the tv. “I’m applying for the open ADA job in Brooklyn.” Rafael was surprised by Sonny’s words, turning to face the detective. 

“Have you told Liv?” he asked, and Sonny shook his head. 

“Work has been a lot recently,” Sonny said. “Some of the cases are getting to be too much.” 

“For what it’s worth, I think you’d do well once you got the hang of it,” Rafael said softly. “It’s not easy to be a DA though. The law isn’t as cut and dry as it seems. Politics, emotions, judges. You name it, it can get in the way of justice.” 

“I know it’s tough either way. I just think I need a change of scenery maybe,” Sonny said softly. Rafael smiled. He knew that feeling all too well. 

“Just try to keep a level head. I’ve been so affected by cases before. Do you remember that case with the baby where the parents were arguing over removing life support?” Rafael asked. 

“The kid who was kidnapped by his dad?” Sonny asked, and Rafael nodded. 

“I felt so...I could barely breathe when I thought about the pain he was in. I imagined what I would want if I knew Noah was suffering like that, and Jesus, I didn’t know what to do. If it wasn’t for Liv, I might have done something unwise. She kept me level headed,” Rafael said. “After that case, she whisked me off on vacation to clear my head, and I needed that. She gave me perspective. She helped me to keep my head.” 

“Wow,” Sonny said softly, looking down at his drink. “It shows how much you care. You’ve been such a good mentor to me and a friend. I’m glad I could pay it back even just a little bit,” he whispered. 

“I don’t know what we would’ve done without you recently,” Rafael said shaking his head. Their life had unraveled so rapidly. Everything had been fine for so long, and then with the snap of a finger, it had been turned completely upside down. 

“We’re all doing what we can,” Sonny said softly. He looked over at Rafael’s beer can, laughing softly. “Here, let me take that off your hands before you throw up.” Rafael glared but handed the can over reluctantly. 

“I’m having some scotch,” he said softly after a moment before standing up and heading to the kitchen. Adult company was good. 

******

Rafael was tired. He never felt like he got enough sleep, nightmares and guilt haunting him particularly at night. He was sitting up in bed, trying to work up enough energy to get up for the day. Liv was still in bed which was odd, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to bother her. She had been caring for him a lot, and she deserved to be able to sleep in. There was a soft knock on the door. “Dad?” Noah’s voice was soft, so Rafael carefully got himself out of bed. He was sure he looked like a complete mess. He opened the door, slipping out so they wouldn’t wake Liv. 

“What’s up little man?” Rafael asked. Noah looked upset. 

“I can’t find Davey,” he said. Rafael swallowed heavily, panic starting to overwhelm him. He took a deep breath. 

“Okay, let me just get your Mom,” Rafael said. “We’ll find him.” Rafael opened the bedroom door, going over to the bed apologetically. He gently shook Liv’s shoulder. “Liv,” he said softly. “Hey, Liv.” She shifted around, but it took a few moments before she opened her eyes. “Liv, I need your help.” 

“I’m sure you can handle it,” Liv said, turning over. 

“Liv, please,” he said, but she just shut her eyes again. He felt his stress levels beginning to rise, and he went out of the room again, running a nervous hand through his hair. 

“Where’s Mommy?” Noah asked. 

“Asleep,” Rafael said, sparing Noah the details. “Let’s look for Davey,” he said, trying to calm himself down. Noah went back to his bedroom, looking nervous. 

“He was in Sebastian’s room, but then I brought him into my room,” Noah said. “He was on my bed.” Rafael knelt down, lifting the comforter so he could look under the bed, but he didn’t see Davey anywhere. He started pulling the covers back from Noah’s bed, rifling through them, but Davey wasn’t there either. With every moment that passed where the teddy bear was missing, Rafael’s stress levels rose. Ketchup was on the floor, chewing on a blanket, and his heart sunk. 

“Do you think Ketchup ate him?” Noah asked softly, moving over beside the dog. Rafael swallowed, stepping away. “He didn’t mean it,” Noah whispered. 

“Excuse me a second,” Rafael said softly, slipping out of the room before he lost his temper with the dog. They didn’t know if Ketchup chewed on Davey or did anything, and he didn’t want to overreact prematurely. He didn’t lose his temper, not in front of his kids. Not ever again. He took calming breaths, pacing through the hallway, trying to keep himself together. The prospect of losing Davey, the biggest piece of Sebastian that he had left, was overwhelming. He was going to be sick. Rafael needed to calm down if he had any hope of finding Davey. He took a deep breath again before starting to go back toward Noah’s room, but he was interrupted by a loud thump coming from Leo’s room. By the team he reached the door, Leo was screaming, and he felt his stress levels continue to build. He opened the door, and immediately felt dizzy. Leo had climbed over the side of the crib and fallen out. Rafael picked him up, examining his face. He didn’t like the blood that was starting to drip form Leo’s nose as he screamed bloody murder. Rafael carried him out of the room, shushing him and going back to their bedroom. He needed Liv’s help. He put his hand on the door knob, hesitating, not wanting to be rejected like the last time he asked. He opened the door, taking a step inside, and Liv was still laying in bed, but she wasn’t asleep this time. He could hear her soft sniffles, and his heart broke. He wanted to cry himself at the moment, but Leo was doing enough of that for the both of them. He took a seat on the bed beside her. “Liv,” he whispered. 

“Raf, I really can’t do this right now,” she said softly. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. 

“He’s probably fine,” she said, and he assumed she was talking about Leo. He wasn’t sure that Leo was alright though. He rubbed his son’s back, worrying about the blood that was pouring from his nose. He was still crying, and Rafael tried to soothe him. They usually handled these situations together, and right now he was crumbling, and he wasn’t sure he could handle it all alone. It didn’t seem like Liv was going to get up, and Noah needed his help, and now Leo probably needed to see a doctor. Rafael was worried. He was sluggish and crying a lot, and after Sebastian, he wasn’t taking any chances. 

“Daddy,” Leo sobbed, pressing his face against Rafael’s shirt, and he hushed him, running his fingers through Leo’s soft hair. 

“Shh,” Rafael whispered. “It’s alright. What hurts?” He was in the middle of getting a tissue to wipe the blood from Leo’s nose and face when Noah called his name. “Goddamn it,” he whispered. He was about to go over the edge. He felt completely overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. He wasn’t thinking clearly, and he felt his body starting to respond to the panic. His breathing was picking up, his heart rate starting to increase. He wasn’t capable of caring for them both in this state, not to mention Liv. He needed help. He pulled his phone out, trying to balance Leo with one arm as he dialed Sonny’s number. His mother was at work, and honestly, Sonny probably was too, but he knew the detective would come over if he asked. The phone only rang once before Sonny answered. 

“Hello?” he asked. 

“Sonny, it’s Rafael. I need--I need you to come over, please,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. It’s just that Liv is having a bad day, and I-I can’t right now. I feel like I’m going to tumble over the edge really fast.” 

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Just try to keep ahold of yourself. It’s going to be okay,” Sonny said calmly over the phone. Rafael took another deep breath, knowing that help was on the way. He sunk down on the couch, trying not to lose his cool. 

“Dad?” Noah asked, coming out from the hallway, and Rafael tried to calm down, holding tight to Leo and trying to wipe the blood from his nose. “Dad, are you okay?” Noah asked. “I’m sorry I upset you.” 

“It’s not your fault Noah,” Rafael said. “It’s just everything. Uncle Sonny is coming over to help. I need to take Leo to the doctor’s office to make sure he’s okay. He fell pretty hard.” 

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” Noah asked, and that brought a smile to Rafael’s face. 

“Do you even know how the coffee pot works?” Rafael asked. 

“Mom showed me,” Noah said. 

“I’d love a cup of coffee then,” Rafael said softly. He didn’t want Noah to feel bad, and he knew his son was looking for a way to help. Rafael wanted to let him feel like he could. Leo was still sniffling, snuggling into Rafael’s arms, and he held tight, not caring that blood was smearing on his shirt. He was trying to keep the two year old calm. It wouldn’t be good if Leo started to get more upset. “Noah, be careful though,” he called, and he winced when he heard ceramic clanking. 

“I will,” Noah replied. 

“Looks like someone is going to get a new bed,” Rafael said softly, looking down at Leo who sniffled, pressing his face against Rafael’s shirt again. 

“Race car?” Leo mumbled, and Rafael’s heart clenched. He swallowed heavily. The race car bed was Sebastian’s, and he and Liv had been talking about getting him a new one soon. They had promised Leo the bed when it was time because he loved it. Rafael didn’t want to move anything from Sebastian’s room. He didn’t want to get rid of his clothes or his bed or any of his things. Not even if Leo was going to use them. 

“We’ll see,” he said softly. Thankfully Leo seemed too upset to really press him about it. Noah brought him a steaming mug of coffee, walking carefully so he wouldn’t spill, and Rafael smiled at him gratefully, taking a sip. “Thank you Noah, that was very thoughtful of you.” He sipped at the coffee until he heard a key in the door, and then Sonny was coming inside, hanging his coat up. Rafael had never been so grateful to see him. 

“Hi Uncle Sonny,” Noah said with a smile, and Sonny grinned, ruffling Noah’s hair. 

“Hey Slugger,” he said. “Hey Rafael, how are you holding up?” Sonny turned toward him, and Rafael grimaced. 

“Not sure,” he said. “Leo fell out of his crib, Liv isn’t getting out of bed, and we seem to have lost Davey.” Sonny gave him a sympathetic look, and Rafael wished he was capable of handling these situations on his own, but George had overstressed to him the importance of not putting too much on his own shoulders. 

“Alright. What do you need me to do, and what do you think you can or want to handle?” Sonny asked. 

“I’m going to take Leo somewhere to get looked at. Can you stay with Noah and make sure Liv eats something?” Rafael asked softly. Sonny nodded. Rafael pulled on a coat, and he wrestled Leo into one as well. He slipped into some shoes before heading down to the street where he hailed a cab. He squeezed into the back seat, cradling Leo close after telling the driver the address. “Oh little man, it’s okay,” Rafael said, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. He had been on the verge of having a complete meltdown. Now he only had one thing to worry about, and even though he was very stressed out about it, it was much better than the snowballing situation he’d been in at the house. He was not equipped to handle stress at the moment. Leo was quiet now, and Rafael liked that even less. He was scared even though he knew he was probably overreacting. The car pulled up by an urgent care, and Rafael paid the driver before getting out and carrying Leo inside. He took a seat with the paperwork he needed to fill out, and Leo barely moved. He just cuddled up with Rafael, smearing more blood on his father’s nearly ruined shirt. 

“Leo Barba?” a young woman said, and Rafael stood up, carrying Leo with him as he followed her to the a little room in the back. He took a seat, leaning Leo against his shoulder. Leo sniffled. 

“Daddy? Can I have a sticker?” Leo asked softly, and Rafael was just glad to hear his voice. He laughed softly. 

“Sure, I’ll get you a sticker after this,” he promised. The nurse took Leo’s temperature and his pulse before letting him know a doctor would be in soon. Rafael just kept running his hand over the back of Leo’s head, telling himself everything was going to get better and be okay. There was finally a knock on the door, and Rafael looked up, watching as it opened and a young man walked it with a smile. 

“Hi Mr. Barba, how are you today?” he asked, holding his hand out. Rafael shifted Leo around to free his hand up so he could reach out and take his hand. 

“I’d be better if you could check this little guy out,” Rafael said. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” he asked. 

“He fell, climbing out of his crib. Needless to say, I’m going to get him a toddler bed now,” Rafael said. “He hit his head pretty hard.” The doctor nodded, having Rafael move Leo around so he could look him over easier. There was blood all over Leo’s face, and more was dripping from his nose. 

“He has a pretty severe nose bleed,” the doctor said, kneeling down so he was at eye level with Leo. He looked at Leo’s eyes, shining a light in them and having him follow the light. Rafael tried not to let his mind wander as the doctor continued to examine Leo. He hoped Leo was alright. He didn’t want his baby to be in pain. He wanted to take care of him. Rafael wanted to be a good father, to protect Leo the way he was supposed to. “Alright, the good news is his nose doesn’t appear to be broken. It should stop bleeding soon if you pinch it like this.” He showed Rafael where to put his fingers, and Rafael gently did as he said, hoping it didn’t hurt too bad for Leo. “He looks fairly aware which I like to see. He might have a very mild concussion, but he’s going to be alright. He should take it easy for a couple days, if he’s tired, let him sleep. Try not to let him hit his head again, and take him to his regular doctor in a week or two to have a follow up.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. “Thank you so much.” The doctor nodded, shaking his hand again. Rafael kept his fingers pinched over Leo’s nose for the whole ten minutes that they recommended, and then he removed them, checking to see if he was still bleeding. He was grateful to see it had stopped, and a nurse helped him clean Leo’s face off. He was still sluggish though, so Rafael carried him out of the office, picking him up a sticker from the check out desk on the way out of the office. Leo peeled the sticker from the paper, sticking it on Rafael’s shirt, and he laughed. “You like that sticker?” he asked, and Leo smiled at him a little bit. Rafael kissed Leo’s forehead, grateful to know he was alright. The ride home was uneventful, and it was a good chance for Rafael to start calming down. He finally felt like he could breathe easily. He was avoiding diving too deep into his own thoughts though. There would time for that when Leo was with someone else. When he made it back to the apartment building, he felt exhausted from holding other people up. It had only been a few hours, but his own mental state was shaky, and dealing with his own thoughts was tough enough. When he made it in the door, Sonny’s voice rang out through the apartment, and he heard Noah laugh. Sonny was in the kitchen, smiling over at Noah who was seated at the bar. 

“Rafael, hey,” he said with a big smile. “I’m making eggs. You want some?” 

“I’m alright,” Rafael said. “Leo could use some breakfast though.” 

“How’s he feeling?” Sonny asked. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael said. “Maybe a little better. He really hit his head hard. I need to get him a new bed.” 

“Here, let me take him off your hands. Go rest for a little bit. I’m sure you’re feeling overwhelmed,” Sonny said. Rafael nodded gratefully, going back to Sebastian’s room where he could be alone for a little while. He shut the door, laying in Sebastian’s bed, eyes shut as he decompressed. He didn’t want to acknowledge the dark thoughts that he was trying to snuff out. He was tired, so tired of dealing with the grief, of feeling overwhelmed. He took a few deep breaths, trying to banish them out of his mind. He was okay now. The stress was gone. He needed to calm down and enjoy whatever down time he had before something else would come up. Something was bound to come up, it always did. He wanted to know what he had done to deserve this. He wasn’t sure what it possibly could have been, but there was no way someone’s life could just randomly fall to shambles the way his had. He had been so happy. Before, he had everything he’d ever wanted, but now….there were days when he felt like he had nothing. He pressed his face into Sebastian’s pillow, tears soaking into the fire trucks that decorated the otherwise white pillow case. He had spent nights in this bed, holding Sebastian, singing him to sleep when he had bad dreams, talking to him when he couldn’t sleep. It had never felt so big before, and he longed for his son to be there in his arms. He sniffled, turning over onto his stomach, hugging the pillow to his chest. He pressed his face against the sheets, feeling the wrinkles of the fabric against his cheek. 

Everytime he closed his eyes anymore, all he could picture was his son’s lifeless body on that sterile table in the morgue. He thought about the classroom where sticky blood had coated the floor. The blood of fourteen five year olds murdered for no reason. He could still smell the coppery, metallic scent. It had lingered, settling like a cloud in the air, choking him. His chest burned and ached as he thought about it. The dreams that haunted him made it hard to sleep. He dreamed about that classroom, about being with Sebastian. He dreamed about saving him or dying by his side. Sometimes, he ran to the escape that sleep brought. No matter the outcome of the dream, it felt like he was with Sebastian again, even for just a short time. He would hold onto the dreams when he woke, even the bad ones, grasping for the wisps of memory as they began to fade along with the darkness of night as the sun rose in the sky. Memories and pictures were all he had left. They were painful, but he wanted to hold onto them all the same. He wanted to share them with people, but it was too painful to talk about with Liv. He didn’t want to cause her pain, and it made other people uncomfortable. They wouldn’t know what to say to him, and that was the problem. There was nothing to say. 

When Rafael felt like he could breathe again, he decided to get up. He wanted to check on Liv because he knew how bad it could get. He knew she was probably tearing herself apart thinking about Sebastian, wondering what she could have done differently, wishing he was there in her arms. He went down the hallway carefully, knocking on the bedroom door softly before turning the knob. Liv was still laying in bed. He took a seat on the side of the bed that she wasn’t lying on. It was her side actually. She had her face pressed against his pillow. He lifted his arm, reaching out to rub her back. “Rafa?” Her voice was so soft, he could barely hear it. It was like the drop of a pin. 

“Yeah?” he asked. 

“Are you okay? I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

“I took Leo to the doctor’s office. He fell,” Rafael said. “They said he’s okay. I--I guess I’m alright. Noah can’t find Davey, but Sonny is here now. Just relax. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Will you stay here with me?” Liv asked softly. 

“Always,” he whispered, laying down and letting her curl up in his arms. 

*******

It was dinner time before Rafael ventured out of the room for longer than a few minutes. He had been coaxing Liv into eating food throughout the day, but he wasn’t very successful. She mostly laid in his arms, crying on and off, and he fought with himself to stay strong. He cried with her, a lot, pressing his face into her hair, trying to keep his tears silent as he held onto her. It was to provide support, but also to receive it. They needed each other. 

He was going to try again to get her to eat something. He was looking in the fridge when he heard Noah running down the hallway. “Dad! Uncle Sonny found Davey!” Noah yelled, and Rafael felt relief coursing through him. He turned around, smiling, seeing Noah with the teddy bear clutched in his hand. Rafael took it from Noah’s outstretched hand, pulling it against his chest, and shutting his eyes. He was grateful to have it. He never wanted to lose it. Davey was Sebastian’s most prized possession, and it felt like a piece of him that Rafael still had. 

“Where was he?” Rafael asked.

“Behind my nightstand,” Noah said. Rafael had thought he’d checked everywhere, but apparently he had missed it. He was just glad Davey wasn’t missing anymore. 

“Let’s just put him somewhere safe for now,” Rafael said softly. “I don’t want to lose him.” 

“Me neither,” Noah said. 

“Can you hold onto him for me while I make some food for Mom?” he asked, and Noah nodded. Everything seemed to be straightened out, and Rafael felt much better than before. He was grateful that he had been able to get help and to get through the day. Now he just wanted to help Liv feel better. He knew there was only so much he could do, but he was going to do his very best because he knew exactly how awful she felt, and he wanted to spare her as much pain as he possibly could. 

……………………

Rafael was sitting at his desk, hardly able to focus. He was trying to read over the files that had been left on his desk for him, but every couple words, a stray thought would distract him, and he’d have to start the sentence over again. He’d been on the same one for five minutes already. He eyed the phone, but he knew he should just focus and get his work done. It was only ten, and he hadn’t been this unproductive in years. He tapped his favorite pen on the desk, trying to get himself to stop worrying, to stop overthinking. He snuck a look at his cell phone, at the lock screen picture, and he smiled. Baby Sebastian asleep, curled up in Liv’s arms, Noah smiling from right beside them both. It was his family. He started to dial Liv’s number, hoping that a quick phone call might relax him, but before he could finish, her face flashed across the screen. He answered, pulling the phone up to his ear. “Hey,” he said softly, a smile playing at his lips. “I was right about to call you.” 

“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” she whispered. 

“I know,” he said softly. 

“He’s fine. Lucy will take good care of him,” Liv said. 

“I know,” he whispered again. It was quiet for a couple minutes. 

“I miss him,” Liv said softly, and Rafael smiled. 

“Me too,” he said. “I didn’t think I would miss changing diapers so fast.” Liv snorted. 

“You did change a lot of them,” Liv said. 

“I’m sure I’ll change plenty more,” Rafael said. 

“I’m going to call Lucy,” Liv said, and he laughed. 

“At least I didn’t break first.” He wasn’t going to be far behind though. “Come over here for lunch?” 

“Sure. I’ll see you in a few hours,” Liv said. “Love you.” 

“Mhmm, love you too,” Rafael whispered. He hung up, trying to focus again until she texted him to let him know she finished on the phone with Lucy. He quickly dialed Lucy’s number, bringing the phone up to his ear, and hoping that Liv warned her he would be calling too. 

“Liv said you would call,” Lucy said with a laugh. “He’s doing great. He cried a little bit when you guys left, but he’s been very calm ever since. Do you want to talk to him?” 

“Yes please,” Rafael said. There was some rustling before he heard Sebastian’s soft breathing. “Hey little man,” Rafael said softly. “It’s Daddy.” Sebastian made a little noise, and Rafael smiled. “I just wanted to call and say I love you, and I’ll see you later for some snuggle time.” He felt better after getting to talk to Sebastian, and when he finally hung up the phone, he spotted Carmen standing in the doorway, a smile on her face. He tried to glare, to pretend she hadn’t just seen him talking to a three month old on the phone, but he couldn’t deny it. “Do you want to see pictures?” He finally asked softly, and she smiled hugely coming over to his desk, a smirk on her face. He couldn’t help his pride as he scrolled through picture after picture of Sebastian with the various members of his family. His favorites were the ones that included Sebastian, Liv, and Noah. She reacted to the one of him holding Sebastian at the hospital. He was sitting in a chair beside the bed, peering down at the little bundle in his arms. The emotion on his face was evident. The photographer had captured some breathtaking pictures. 

“Aw,” she said softly. He scrolled through the ones of him and Sebastian from the hospital and later. They had paid for a photographer to take pictures about a week after they got home from the hospital. There was one where Rafael had been laying down, and Sebastian was laying on his chest, wrapped in a blanket that covered them both. Rafael’s lips were pressed against the top of Sebastian’s head. “You should get that one framed,” Carmen said softly. He smiled again. 

“Maybe I will.” 

……………………

Rafael was staring at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t really ready. He looked like a train wreck. His leave was up though, and he didn’t have much of a choice. The therapist told him getting back into a routine would be healthy. He needed to start living his regular life again if he wanted to move on. He didn’t want to move on. He wasn’t sure what his “regular life” was anymore. He wasn’t the same person he had been before the shooting. He picked up his comb, starting to work on his hair. The familiar motions were calming in a way. He had been styling his hair the same was for over ten years. After he finished geling it, he ran a tired hand over his jaw, lamenting the necessity of shaving for work. He hadn’t been shaving daily when he stayed home. He got his razor out, wetting his face and lathering the shaving cream all over his jaw. He looked a little better once the stubble was gone and his hair was in place. He sighed, brushing his teeth before heading out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom to dress himself. Liv was sitting on the bed, fully dressed, but staring down at her lap. “Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Are you?” her voice was harsh, and he winced slightly. He turned away, going to the closet to pick out a suit. As he rifled through his clothes, he saw the suit he had worn that day. It was the grey one with purple stitching, one of his favorites. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to pull it out, but he laid it on the bed, going back for suspenders and a tie. He buttoned up his shirt first before pulling on the pants and fastening his suspenders. Next came the tie and his polka dot socks. He had no idea where he put his good cufflinks though, so he started moving things from the dresser, searching for he box that held them. He moved a few books, wayward papers, pamphlets for therapy, but the box was nowhere to be found. “Here.” Liv’s voice was soft, and she was holding out the little black box to him. He looked up at her face, nodding softly to show his thanks before taking it. She always knew where his things were. He opened the little box, picking out a pair that he liked. Liv took one from his hands, and he held his arm out for her so she could fasten it in his shirt. She did the other as well, and he smiled. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. He pulled his jacket on and tied his shoes, and then he was sitting on the bed, telling himself it was time to go, but he didn’t want to. He didn't want to leave Noah or Leo anywhere without him. 

“We have to go,” Liv said softly, and he nodded. He slowly pushed himself up to his feet, and he reached for Liv’s hand. She let him intertwine their fingers, walking out of the room, hand in hand. Lucy was waiting in the living room, and she smiled at them. 

“Don’t worry. I’ve got them. I promise,” she said softly. “I won’t take them out of the house without texting you first, and we’ll call at lunch, okay?” Rafael nodded softly, grateful for her. Liv started towards the door, but he stopped. 

“Wait,” he said. “I need to say goodbye.” Liv looked at him, emotion in her eyes. He turned, letting her hand go and heading down the hallway to Noah’s room. He opened the door, and Noah blinked at him. 

“Dad?” 

“It’s okay,” Rafael said softly. “Mom and I are going to work. Lucy is here, and she’s going to help you with school.” Noah sat up slightly, and Rafael took a seat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around the ten year old. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah said softly. Rafael kissed the top of Noah’s head. 

“I’ll see you tonight. Be home by five, I promise,” he said, and Noah smiled, squeezing for a second before letting Rafael go. As he was leaving the room, he looked for Liv, but she hadn’t come down the hallway. He went to Leo’s room, opening the door and smiling as he saw Leo asleep in his new bed. Sonny had helped Rafael find one online. The crib was still tucked in the corner of Leo’s room until Rafael could figure out what to do with it. He carefully took a seat beside Leo on the bed, running a hand over his brown hair. Leo blinked, looking up at Rafael with a soft smile. He stretched his hand up by his head, hand jerking forward slightly in a wave.

“Hi Daddy,” Leo mumbled, and Rafael smiled. 

“Hey buddy,” Rafael said. “Mom and  are going to work, so you’re going to hang out with Lucy and Noah, okay?” Leo nodded. 

“Yay! Lucy,” Leo said. 

“I love you.” Rafael whispered. “I’ll see you later.” 

“Bye,” Leo said, and Rafael kissed his forehead before tucking him back in and heading towards the door again. Liv wasn’t there anymore. He looked around for a second, but she was nowhere. 

“She’s down at the car,” Lucy said, and he nodded his thanks, slipping into a jacket and grabbing his briefcase before heading down the stairs toward the car. He grabbed the handle of the car door, pulling it open and sliding into the passenger seat, and Liv was sitting there, staring down at her hands. He was thankful she had warmed the car up because even though it was March, it was still cold out. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked softly. She didn’t answer. “Are you coming to my office for lunch?” Liv finally looked up, putting her hands on the wheel and shifting the car into drive. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Liv finally said, and he smiled. That gave him something to look forward to. The rest of the ride was quiet, and he could feel her agitation. He wasn’t sure what exactly she was upset about beside just in general about Sebastian. Going back to work was hard. They would have to try and actually function. He couldn’t go lay down or go lose it if something reminded him of Sebastian and how much it hurt. She pulled up beside his office, and he thought about leaning over for a kiss like he usually would, but Liv looked upset. He climbed out of the car, waving hesitantly after shutting the door, but Liv didn’t wave back. He had to take a few deep breaths before he headed inside the building. He didn’t want to think about the last time he’d been there. He handed the security guard his keys and phone before he went through the metal detector, and then he was heading towards his office. He tried to keep his head down, but he could feel eyes on him even in the hallway. He knew people were staring, and because of it, a tight feeling was coiling up in his chest. He tried to hold back the burn of tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks in hot rivulets. He tightened his grip around the handle of his briefcase and kept walking until he nearly smacked right into someone. 

“Barba, is that you? It’s nice to see you back at work,” someone said, and when Rafael lifted his head, he realized he didn’t have a clue who the man was. He assumed he was another lawyer. “I heard about your son, I am so sorry.” The man put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder, and he felt ill. He wanted to shrug it off, but he was trying not to be rude. He didn’t want to hear how sorry people were. He heard plenty of that before, and it did nothing. It didn’t bring Sebastian back, and that was all he wanted. He pasted a smile onto his face, nodding softly until he could finally get out of there. He just wanted to go close himself in his office where he could hopefully avoid speaking with anyone else for the rest of the day. He wasn’t nearly that lucky. Two more ADAs stopped him in the hallway before he could make it to safety, and he had to force insincere ‘thank yous’ from his lips. He finally made it to his office on the verge of melting down, and he saw Carmen sitting at her desk. She had dropped a casserole off for them early on, and he had been grateful that she came by. Much like the squad, he knew she actually cared. She had known Sebastian, and in fact, he had loved her. Anytime he was at Rafael’s office, he would sit out at Carmen’s desk and talk her ear off. 

“Good morning Mr. Barba,” she said, a soft smile on her face. “Would you like to go over your schedule first or do you need a few minutes to have a coffee?” 

“Hi Carmen,” he said softly, fighting with the waver in his voice. “I think I’d like a few minutes.” He went in his office, standing at the door for a moment before forcing himself to lift his feet from the floor and take a few more steps. He was beside his desk, and he set his briefcase down on the floor, leaning it against the desk. Slipping his jacket off, he stepped around the desk, draping it over the back of the chair. He trailed his hand across the wood, feeling the ridges before picking up one of the picture frames that sat in front of his stacks of paper. There he was, Sebastian prone on Rafael’s chest, covered in a blanket, but it wasn’t the picture from when he was a baby, it was from just a month before Sebastian died. He had taken one like it every year. He picked it up with shaking hands, bending the metal pieces from the back so he could pull it off and remove the pictures from the frame. He rifled through them, still fighting valiantly against the tears as he looked at each picture. There were five of them. He practically dropped the pictures, banging his knee into the desk when he heard the door open, and he jumped slightly before realizing it was only Carmen. She had a cup of coffee in her hands, and she offered him an apologetic look. Her eyes were sad, but they weren’t full of pity, and he appreciated that. 

“Sit down,” she said softly. He swallowed, collecting the pictures before taking a seat in his chair. She set the cup down in front of him. “I know today isn’t going to be easy for you. What do you need to get through?” she asked. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Liv should be coming over here for lunch. I’m just going to try and survive until then. What’s my schedule like?” 

“You have a meeting with the DA after lunch. Other ADAs have been covering your cases, so you’re just waiting for a new case from SVU,” she said. He sighed in relief. He really didn’t have much to do at all. He wasn’t sure how capable he actually was of being productive at the moment. “I do have some paperwork you need to sign,” she said, and he nodded. That was easy, mindless. She brought him a stack of cases that had his name on them. He hadn’t ever finished them, and they needed his signature to make it official. 

“Carmen,” he said softly, looking up from the stack of papers, and she turned to look at him. “Thank you.” She smiled before leaving the room. 

He started looking through the cases, scribbling his name on the line as he sipped at his coffee. There was a good stack of them for him to finish, and by the time he had wrapped most of them up, it was about time for him to get some lunch. He and Liv had a standing lunchtime, so he sat back and waited for her. She usually would pick something up and bring it. As the minutes ticked by, he told himself that maybe there was a long line at Forlini's. He toyed with the watch on his wrist, peeking up at the door again, but Liv was nowhere to be found. He felt fear and anxiety settle like a weight at the pit of his stomach. 

An hour, four unanswered texts, and a voice mail later, he accepted that she wasn’t coming. He sighed, feeling sick to his stomach. He had been looking forward to being with her, to talking to her, to the small sliver of comfort that she might offer him simply through her presence. If she didn’t want to see him though, fine. He would get lunch himself. The only problem was he felt shaky. He wanted Olivia. He didn’t want to be alone. Despite major headway on his mental state, he still didn’t trust himself. He didn’t trust his own thoughts. He was seeing a therapist every week still, trying to keep a hold of himself. There were days that he still spiraled, days where he needed Liv to remind him that things weren’t always going to be so bad. He was trying to take care of her as well because she needed him too. His mother and Sonny were both incredibly helpful. They always seemed to be there when they really needed the help. He surely wouldn’t have survived without them. He still wasn’t sure that he was going to survive. A knock interrupted his thoughts, and for a moment, his heart leapt. Maybe Liv was there after all. “Mr. Barba, Ms. Calhoun is here to see you,” Carmen said, poking her head in the door. Rafael sighed, his head pounding. 

“Let her in,” he said. He leaned back in his chair, trying to calm his nerves. Rita came in the door, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. They had been friends for so long, he could hardly remember the night they met, at a party as young, hopeful college students. 

“I brought you lunch,” Rita said, holding up a bag. “It looks like you could use a scotch though.” 

“I’m trying not to drink right now,” he said softly. “You’re welcome to a glass though if you’d like.” 

“I’ll stick to coffee,” she replied. He stood up, and Rita walked around the desk, pulling him into a hug. He froze, surprised by the gesture. He couldn’t remember a time where he had actually hugged her. “I’ve missed you,” she said softly. “Your replacement is very boring.” He couldn’t help the soft laugh that bubbled up in his chest and escaped. “Where is Liv?” she asked. He shrugged, following her towards the table. He took a seat, digging in the bag and finding a hoagie. He unwrapped it as Rita took a seat near him. 

“She was supposed to come over here and have lunch with me, but she’s not answering her phone,” he said, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

“How are Noah and Leo?” Rita asked gently. 

“Noah was a mess, but he’s finally starting to get better. Leo is too young to understand any of it,” he whispered. “Liv and I--we’re honestly falling apart. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you at the funeral. I was--I saw you were there.” 

“You should come over some night for dinner. We haven’t really talked in awhile,” Rita said. 

“I’ll run it by Liv if I can ever get ahold of her,” he whispered, bitterness seeping into his voice. “Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.” 

“I figured you would be having a tough day. The stares. People have no idea how to behave,” she said, and he nodded. The people who bothered to approach him were awkward and honestly made it worse. Carmen and Rita were the only people who had acted remotely normal around him, and they were the only people he wanted to talk to at the moment. 

“I have to go talk to McCoy after this. It’ll probably just be more condolences,” he said with a sigh. “I’m tired of hearing how sorry people are, especially the parents whose children went home. They aren’t sorry. They’re glad it was my son and not theirs.” 

“McCoy is a moron,” Rita said. “Just try to get through today, hopefully people will stop being so strange around you then. You know you can call me if you need help. I can still beat people up for you.” He glared. 

“That was once, in college, and you didn’t beat him up. You’re just very scary,” Rafael grumbled. Rita laughed softly, and Rafael found himself laughing too. Being out, around other people was actually helpful provided they didn’t stare at him constantly. She stayed with him for a little while, and by the time she had to leave, he felt lighter. She hugged him once more before leaving, and then he was alone again with nothing to do until his meeting. He tapped his pen on the desk restlessly, He had been planning on calling Noah to check in. He pulled his phone out, dialing Lucy’s number. She answered almost immediately which was comforting for him. 

“Hey Rafael,” Lucy said softly. 

“How’s it going?” he asked. 

“Good. Noah’s been doing his schoolwork and playing with Ketchup, and Leo has been coloring,” she said. Lucy baffled him. She was so good with their kids. She always came through when they needed her. 

“Thank you Lucy,” he said softly. “Can I talk to Noah?” 

“Yeah, let me just get him--Noah!” He waited a couple minutes, hearing some shuffling and static. 

“Hi Dad,” Noah said softly. 

“How are you buddy?” Rafael asked. 

“I don’t know,” Noah whispered. “I wish you were home.” 

“I know. I’ll be home soon. I’m very proud of you for doing so well so far. How’s school stuff going?” he asked. 

“Good I guess,” Noah said. “I have to read some of my book, but then I’m done the list Abuelita left me for today.” 

“Great! That’s really good Noah,” Rafael said. He was so proud of his son. This couldn’t be easy for him, but he was doing so well. “When I get home tonight, we can eat dinner and talk. If you’re really unhappy, we’ll figure something else out, okay?” 

“Okay Dad,” Noah said. “Thanks.” 

“Of course,” Rafael replied. “Can you put your brother on the phone?” 

“Okay,” Noah said, and then he was waiting a couple minutes until Leo’s voice filtered through the speaker. 

“Hello?” Leo asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“Hey Leo, it’s Daddy,” Rafael said. 

“Hi Daddy.” Leo sounded a little confused. 

“Are you having fun with Lucy?” he asked. 

“Lots of fun,” Leo said, and Rafael couldn’t help but smile. “I want pizza.” 

“Pizza?” Rafael asked with a laugh. He could imagine Leo’s cute little smile, the dimples showing. Leo was at the age where he always looked so cute. Rafael felt so sentimental. When had Leo gotten so big? “I’ll tell you what, I’ll ask Mommy, and maybe we can have pizza for dinner.” 

“Yay!” Leo said, and Rafael smiled again. 

“Alright, I love you Leo,” he said. 

“Love you too Daddy,” Leo said, and Rafael loved hearing that. It meant the world to him. After Leo hung up, Rafael started to worry. He wanted to know why Liv hadn’t shown up. He had been angry and hurt originally, but now he was worried. She never stood him up unless there was a very, very good reason. He dialed Liv’s number, wanting to talk with her for a few minutes, but it went to voicemail almost immediately. He sighed. She obviously didn’t want to talk to him. He needed to know she was okay though, so he dialed up Fin. He knew Fin would get him answers. 

“Barba, what’s up?” Fin asked, and Rafael sighed with relief. 

“Are you at the precinct?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s been a slow day,” Fin said. 

“Can you check on Liv? She was supposed to meet me for lunch, and she stood me up. I’m just a little worried,” Rafael explained, leaning back in his chair. 

“She locked herself in her office this morning. I’ll see if she’ll let me in,” Fin said softly. “I don’t think it’s you. Just a hard day.” 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Rafael sighed. “Just tell her I’m not mad and that I love her.” 

“Sure thing, Rafael,” Fin said. He was grateful that someone would be looking after her. A knock on the door interrupted his phone call, so he hung up, and Carmen was leaning in the door. 

“Detective Carisi is here to see you,” she said, and Rafael frowned. He had no idea why Sonny was there. He was not in the right headspace for a case. 

“Let him in,” Rafael said, closing his eyes and pinching his thumb and finger at the bridge of his nose.  He was starting to get a headache. 

“Hey,” Sonny said, voice soft. “How’s it going?” 

“Oh just terrific,” Rafael whispered, toying with his pen again. “What can I do for you?” 

“Liv sent me,” Sonny said softly. “She wanted me to tell you that’s she’s sorry she didn’t come for lunch, and it wasn’t your fault. She also said she loves you.” Rafael swallowed. It meant a lot for him to hear that. Liv was okay. She might not be in a good spot, but she was okay. 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly. “Today has been trying. That means a lot.” 

“Mind if I stick around for awhile?” Sonny asked, and Rafael shook his head. 

“Be my guest,” he said. Sonny took a seat in one of the chairs that faced Rafael’s desk. 

“How are you holding up today?” Sonny asked, and Rafael shrugged. 

“People have been staring,” he admitted softly. “It makes me uncomfortable. I was worried about Olivia, but now I feel a little better.” 

“How are the boys?” Sonny asked, and Rafael smiled. 

“They’re good. Noah is doing good with his schoolwork, and Leo seems to be having a blast with Lucy,” Rafael said. Sonny had been so good to them, spending inordinate amounts of his own time helping them. Rafael was incredibly grateful. “I am feeling better than before thankfully. I wouldn’t be here without you. I never got to thank you for helping me stop before I went off the deep end.” 

“I know you and Liv would do the same for me if I ever needed your help,” Sonny said, and Rafael smiled. 

“You’re a really good friend. Thank you,” he whispered. 

“You’re welcome,” Sonny said, his lips raising into a smile. “Are you two doing better?” 

“Therapy helps. I’ve been thinking about some of what Liv said about having another baby. I want to be able to give her what she wants, and I understand where she’s coming from now,” Rafael admitted. George had helped him with that. They had long conversations on the phone every week, and he had helped Rafael to start to come to terms with his feelings. He understood where Liv was coming from, and he was getting more and more used to the idea. In some ways, it would be nice to have the joy of a new baby on the way whether it came through a surrogate or they adopted, but it would also be bittersweet. He wasn’t sure that he was totally ready for it, but he felt better about possibly discussing the matter more. 

“Have you told her any of that?” Sonny asked, and Rafael shook his head. “It might be good for her to hear.” 

“Maybe I should,” he whispered, and Sonny nodded. He and Liv needed to talk anyways. He wanted to make sure she was alright. It wasn’t normal for her to completely ignore his messages. He was more than ready to go home. 

********

Rafael was exhausted when he walked in the door. Being at work had been taxing despite the lack of work that actually needed to be finished. He tiredly set his briefcase by the door, hung his coat up, and made his way inside. Noah was sitting on the couch with Leo, watching tv, and when he realized Rafael was home, he bolted over for a hug. Rafael smiled, holding him close. “Hey buddy,” Rafael whispered. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah whispered. “Where’s Mom?” 

“She should be home soon. I’m gonna order some pizza for dinner. What kind do you want?” Rafael said softly. 

“Cheese,” Noah said, and that didn’t surprise Rafael one bit. He pulled his phone out, knowing Leo would want cheese also. Sebastian was the only one who liked pepperoni. He and Rafael would usually share. He sighed softly, dialing his favorite pizza place and ordering two pizzas. Liv would eat whatever he ordered. Leo ran over into his arms, and he smiled, picking him up and kissing the top of his head. 

“Oh, Rafael, I didn’t realize you were home,” Lucy said, coming out from the hallway. 

“Hi Lucy, thank you so much. You can go home now. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, and she smiled at him. “Say bye to Lucy,” Rafael said to Noah and Leo. 

“Bye!” Leo yelled, and Rafael laughed. 

“Yeah, bye Lucy. Thanks,” Noah said. “How was work?” he asked, turning to Rafael.

“It was okay,” Rafael said. “How was your day?” 

“Okay,” Noah whispered. 

“Is it going to be okay for the rest of the year?” Rafael asked seriously. If Noah didn’t like it, they could figure something else out. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “I miss you.” 

“Think about it, and if we need to figure something else out, we will,” Rafael said, ruffling Noah’s hair. When he heard the door open and shut, he felt relieved. It had to be Olivia, and he wanted to see her. She looked exhausted when she made it in the door, setting her bag down on the couch. 

“Mommy!” Leo yelled, but Rafael grabbed him before he could overwhelm her. 

“Mommy is tired,” Rafael said softly. Leo made a pouty face, but Rafael held onto him. Liv headed back to the bedroom, and he sighed. “Noah, Leo, go watch tv. I’m going to speak with your Mom.” Noah nodded, taking Leo’s hand. Rafael headed back down the hall toward the bedroom. The door was shut, and he knocked softly. 

“Come in.” Liv’s voice was soft. He opened the door, going inside, seeing Liv sitting on the bed. 

“Hey,” he said softly. He took a seat beside her, hand going to her back. He hated seeing her look so upset. 

“I’m sorry I stood you up,” she whispered. He could hear the waver in her voice. 

“It’s alright,” he said. “Talk to me. I’m here.” 

“I miss him, and today felt like….it felt like we were moving on,” she said. He sighed. He had been feeling the same way. 

“We’re not,” Rafael said. “We won’t ever move on. Not the way you mean. We will always love him.” Liv turned, tears in her eyes, and she leaned her head against his chest. She rarely cried, even in front of him, and everytime, it tore his heart out. He ran his fingers through her hair, kissing the top of her head. “I know,” he whispered. “I miss him too. I miss him so much.” 

“I just sat in my office today, and I cried,” she whispered. He sighed, cradling her against his chest. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say. “I don’t want to forget him.” 

“You won’t. We won’t,” he said firmly. “I never should have accused you of wanting to replace him. That wasn’t right, and I know you would never do that. We aren’t going to forget him, and I want to talk again about a baby. I feel ready to talk if you are.” 

“Really?” she asked softly. He kissed the top of her head. 

“Really. Let’s have some dinner, spend time with our babies, and then we can talk,” he suggested, and Liv nodded. “Why don’t you change into something more comfortable. I’ll go sit with the boys. Liv nodded again. Rafael shed his suit jacket, loosening his tie, and rolling his sleeves up on the way out. He sat with Noah and Leo, watching cartoons until the pizza arrived. Liv came out then, looking much more comfortable in a tee shirt and shorts. They laughed and watched tv as they ate their pizza until it was time for the boys to go to bed. Rafael put Noah to bed while Liv handled Leo, and then they were alone. He sat on the couch, and Liv came into the room, a mug of tea in her hands. She sat down heavily on the couch with a sigh, lifting her feet into his lap. His thumb rubbed over the bony part of her ankle absently, and she sipped at her drink for a few minutes before meeting his eyes. “I think that we could look at adopting again,” he said softly. “I don’t know….I don’t know how long it will take me to be fully ready, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I think it would be good for Noah and Leo, and I think it would be good if we helped a child who needs a family.” 

“I was hoping you would be willing to look at surrogacy again,” Liv said softly. “I want another baby that is ours. I love looking at Leo and seeing what we made together. I love Noah so much, don’t get me wrong, but having children with you is something special.” He sighed. “Think about it?” Rafael nodded. 

“We have a lot to think about,” he said. “I thought we were done after Leo, and it hurts a lot to think about this.” 

“It doesn’t have to be right away,” Liv said. “I just, I want to love another baby. I want more joy. I know it’s not Sebastian, and we could never pretend that it is or anything like that, but we only have so much time before we can’t do this anymore.” 

“I know,” Rafael whispered. “It’s just going to take some getting used to. It’s still so fresh.” 

“Maybe we wait a little while then,” Liv said, and he nodded. “Thank you for considering this.” 

“Of course,” he whispered. 

…………………….

Rafael was reading a book on the couch while keeping an eye on Sebastian who was playing with his best friend. Rafael had been ecstatic when he had asked if Brody could come over. He had been a little worried about Sebastian who seemed shy when he was at school. He was glad he was making friends. Brody was a nice kid, and Rafael liked him and his parents a lot. They were sitting on the floor, playing with Sebastian’s legos. They were laughing and building towers, and Rafael smiled, barely reading at that point. He was more interested in watching what Sebastian and Brody were doing. He turned his attention back to the book, but then he heard the boys’ voices starting to raise in volume. They were arguing over a lego, and Sebastian pulled it out of Brody’s hands. Sebastian was much bigger than Brody who was small for his age, and Rafael set his book down on the couch as Brody started crying. “Sebastian, excuse me. Is that how we act?” Sebastian looked up at him, sighing. 

“No,” he whispered. 

“Give Brody the toy back and say you’re sorry,” Rafael said. Sebastian glared at him, but handed it over. 

“Sorry,” he whispered bitterly. 

“Come here,” Rafael said. “Brody, do you want some juice?” Brody nodded softly, and Rafael grabbed Sebastian’s hand, pulling him toward the kitchen so they could talk. He knelt down so he could look his son in the eyes. “Brody is your friend. That was not very nice.” 

“But Dad--” Sebastian started, but Rafael cut him off. 

“But nothing. Is it nice to pick on kids who are smaller than you?” Rafael asked. 

“No,” Sebastian whispered. 

“I don’t want to see that again. You need to look out for Brody. If kids at school are giving him a hard time, you should help him. He’s your friend Sebastian. I know you can share legos,” Rafael said. Sebastian nodded. “Alright, do you want any juice?” Sebastian nodded, and Rafael let him go back to play with Brody. He knew that Brody got picked on from conversations he had with the little boy’s parents, and he wanted Sebastian to stand up for him. He knew his son had it in him. Brody had been the first one to approach Sebastian at school, and they had become quick friends. He expected Sebastian to be a good friend even when it was hard. When he returned with two cups of juice, he was glad to see them happily playing as Brody wiped the tears from his face. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Here's the last chapter. Thanks for reading guys. I've really been blown away by the responses I've received. I hope the ending stays true to the story. I'd love to hear what you think! :)
> 
> This chapter does discuss some specifics more in depth just as a warning.

Rafael was seated on the couch, looking at papers that were laid out on the coffee table. Liv had a few agencies that would help them find a surrogate, and he had a few adoption agencies to look at. They had been back at work for three months, and he finally felt okay actually talking about it. He still hadn’t touched Sebastian’s room. He didn’t want to change it at all, but he had come around to the idea of a baby. It wasn’t to replace Sebastian. Nothing could ever replace Sebastian. He had missed the joy of having a baby. Leo was so big now, and having one more seemed more and more like a good idea. It was for Liv of course, but it was also for the boys, and he knew it would be good for himself as well. They were just starting to seriously look into their options. Liv still wanted to have a baby of their own, but Rafael wanted to adopt. “Don’t you think it would be good for Noah if we adopted?” Rafael asked. 

“Rafa,” Liv sighed. 

“Just look, we could go visit the children, find one who really needs help,” he said. He knew she wanted to have their baby though. There was something special about having a biological child, and he understood where she was coming from, but they loved Noah just as much as Sebastian and Leo, and another child would be no different. 

“I love looking at Leo and seeing you,” Liv said softly. 

“You see me in Noah too, in the way he behaves. We’ve shaped him into who he is,” Rafael said. 

“He is just as much our son as Sebastian and Leo. That’s not what I mean,” Liv said. 

“Hey, um--” Sonny trailed off as he came in the room, Leo in his arms. He was helping keep an eye on the boys. “Oh, sorry, I don’t want to interrupt.” 

“It’s fine, what’s up Carisi?” Liv asked. 

“Uh, I got a call, and there’s a letter for you from an EMT who treated Sebastian. I wasn’t sure if you guys would want it,” he said softly. Rafael swallowed heavily.

“I’d like it,” he said softly. He had questions that had gone unanswered for a long time, and he wanted the answers. It kept him up at night, wondering what exactly had happened to his son, what he’d been through. He had been waiting six long months for answers that he had just about given up on finding. 

“I can call Fin and have him bring it over,” Sonny said. Rafael swallowed. 

“Does that mean he died in an ambulance or at the hospital?” He asked. 

“I can’t listen to this,” Liv whispered, standing up and going down the hall. Rafael looked back to Sonny who nodded. 

“So he wasn’t alone?” Rafael whispered, a sob breaking his voice. 

“He wasn’t alone,” Sonny said, putting a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. That meant a lot to Rafael. Imagining Sebastian alone, scared, and in pain was gut wrenching. He already felt like pieces of himself had been torn out. 

“Bring it to me when you get it,” Rafael said softly before taking a seat on the couch and looking over Liv’s papers about surrogacy. 

********

Rafael clutched the paper in his hand, shaking slightly. He was trembling as his eyes flew across the words on the page. His mouth felt dry, burning tears pricking at his eyes. His nose and throat ached as he tried to hold himself together.  _ I was with your son almost immediately after the police cleared the scene.  _ He couldn’t express how comforting that was to him. If Sebastian had been alone, it wouldn’t have been for long.  _ He wanted me to help the little girl beside him, but I told him that we were going to go for a ride, and that someone else would be in to check on her. _ He was already crying, hot tears coursing down his cheeks as he tried to keep a handle on his breathing. He had shut himself in Sebastian’s room to read it so he could get some privacy.  _ I won’t lie to you, he was in a lot of pain, but he smiled at me when we made it into the ambulance.  _ Sebastian was always smiling when he wasn’t pouting or throwing a fit. He had the biggest, most infectious smile, and Rafael loved it. Anytime Sebastian smiled, Rafael couldn’t help but smile himself.  _ He impressed me with his bravery. He barely cried at all, and he told me that he wanted to be like his Mom and Dad. He told me that you put bad guys in jail, and you aren’t scared of them, so he wasn’t going to be scared either.  _ Rafael had to set the paper down for a minute when he read that. He was proud of his son who had behaved beyond his years. He was very grateful to everyone who was with him during and after the shooting, and he was especially grateful to the EMT who did their best to save him.  _ We sang a song while I tried to stop the bleeding. Gunshot wounds to a child his size are very hard to treat. We were trying to keep him alive until we made it to the hospital.  _ Rafael hadn’t been sure anyone would make to an ambulance even. They were so small, and Sebastian had been shot three times. 

Rafael took another moment to take a deep breath, trying to calm himself down so he could finish.  _ He started to go downhill after that. The bleeding wasn’t slowing, he was going into shock, and I told him that everything would be okay. I told him to hang on, and we’d go to the hospital where he could see his Mom and Dad, and I talked to him the whole time. We tried CPR, but the blood loss was catastrophic. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I wanted you to know that I was deeply touched by your son. He was truly a special boy. _ Rafael broke after that. He was so glad to know that Sebastian had been comforted, that he’d been with someone kind. It was like a dam broke, the tears pouring from his eyes as he clutched the paper to his chest. He could barely breathe through the onslaught of tears that was overwhelming him. It meant a lot to read those things about Sebastian. He could stop wondering if Sebastian died on the floor of that classroom, surrounded by bodies. That had been his worst nightmare. There was a knock on the door, but Rafael didn’t feel capable of answering. “Rafael, it’s Sonny, can I come in?” Rafael couldn’t find his voice. He was gasping in breaths. “I’m coming inside.” the door opened, and Sonny poked his head inside. Rafael heard his footsteps approaching the bed where he was sitting, and he leaned his face against his knees, trying to keep a hold of himself. Sonny took a seat on the bed beside Rafael, and the older man clutched at Carisi. Rafael felt Sonny’s arms wrap around him and pull him close. Rafael pressed his face against Sonny’s shoulder, needing something solid to hang onto. He was falling apart. 

“He wanted them to help Hannah,” Rafael whispered, sobbing. “It had to be her, and then he was trying to be brave.” Sonny squeezed him a little tighter, hand running down Rafael’s back. “Sonny, why, why did this happen to my baby?” he whispered. Sonny just shook his head, but Rafael knew there wasn’t an answer. Sonny just held him close until Rafael started to calm down enough that he could talk. He was still shaking like a leaf, feeling breathless and fuzzy. He finally pulled back a little bit from Sonny, sniffling and wiping at his face. “I-I’m glad that someone was with him,” he whispered. “The EMT sang to him and talked to him. He wasn’t alone.” 

“That’s right,” Sonny said softly. “He wasn’t alone.” 

“But, he--he didn’t want to cry. He said he wanted to be brave like me and Liv. It would have been okay if he cried. He didn’t have to be brave. He was five,” Rafael whispered. “He didn’t have to be brave. He didn’t deserve any of this. I wish I could’ve done...something, anything. I wish I could have protected him.” It needed to be said. He couldn’t leave those feelings bottle up inside of himself or he would burst. He’d be right back where he’d been, thinking about hurting himself. He didn’t want to spiral out of control like that ever again. “He had to be in so much pain that whole time. I had hoped he might have died instantly.” 

“He might not have felt it fully,” Sonny said. “He was probably in shock, a lot of adrenaline.” 

“He didn’t like blood,” Rafael whispered. “It had to be everywhere. You saw that floor. It was all over the place. I can just picture him on that floor, waiting for the police, shivering, blood and death everywhere, holding Hannah’s hand. They said he didn’t want to let go of her hand.” Rafael felt like he was going to be sick. The bile was rising in his throat. “Oh Jesus,” he whispered. 

“It wasn’t very long before the police showed up,” Sonny said. “They were in the building when the shooter killed himself.”

“One second is too much,” Rafael said, leaned his face down against his hand. 

“Don’t torture yourself. You don’t have to know these things,” Sonny said softly, but Rafael shook his head. 

“You don’t understand,” He whispered. “It’s torture not to know. It’s torture to wonder what happened to my baby. I want to know what happened, what he went through. I need to know.” Sonny put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly, and Rafael had to shut his eyes. He was feeling dizzy. 

“Take a few breaths, try to calm down. I’m going to get Leo. Would that make you feel better?” Sonny asked. Rafael nodded softly, hoping he could pull himself together enough to see his kids. He folded up the papers, tucking them into his pocket for safe keeping. He was sure he looked like a mess. He looked like he had been crying. It was only a few minutes before Sonny came back, Leo balanced on his hip, his little hand clutching his blanket close to his chest. Noah was trailing behind Sonny, and he was glad to see him as well. He needed both of them. Noah came and sat on the bed beside him, and Sonny handed Leo to him, and Rafael pulled Leo tight to his chest, hand brushing through Leo’s soft hair. Noah wrapped his arms around Rafael's stomach, and he started to cry again. He was glad to have them so close. Leo hugged Rafael before holding his blanket out.

“D’you want binky?” Leo asked. “He makes me happy.” Rafael sniffled, taking the blanket. 

“Thanks Leo,” he whispered. 

“Are you okay Dad?” Noah asked. Rafael nodded. 

“I’ll be okay,” he said. “I feel better with you two here.” 

“Are you sad about Sebastian?” Noah asked, and Rafael nodded. 

“Yes buddy, I’m sad about Sebastian,” Rafael said softly. 

“It’s okay though Dad, Sebastian is okay now,” Noah said, squeezing Rafael, and he wrapped an arm around Noah. 

“You’re right,” Rafael whispered. “He’s okay now. He’s not hurt.” 

“Do you think he was scared?” Noah asked, and Rafael had to take a deep breath. 

“Probably,” he said. “He’s okay though now, and he doesn’t have to be scared anymore. Now he’s safe.” 

“I was really scared too,” Noah said. “I wish I coulda given him a hug. I was glad when I got to see you and Mommy and go home.” 

“Someone nice stayed with him while he was scared Noah. He’s okay now,” Rafael whispered, and the more he said it, the better he felt. Sebastian wasn’t hurting anymore. He had to believe that someday he might see him again. Rafael held Leo tight to him, his head turned and pressed against the top of Noah’s curls. The boys were keeping him anchored, keeping him calm. 

“Um, Rafael,” Sonny said, standing at the door. “When you’re done with the boys, I need to talk to you.” 

“Okay, just give me a couple minutes,” Rafael said. He wasn’t ready to let go yet. He needed them to be with him, to keep him sane. It wasn’t a fair burden to put on his kids. They shouldn’t have to hold him up, but they were doing it anyways. He pressed a shaky kiss to the top of Noah’s head, and then he pressed one of Leo’s hair before he finally let them go. “Go find Mommy and give her hugs too,” Rafael said, knowing Liv probably needed it. He wiped his face, going to find Sonny who was waiting for him in the kitchen. He was leaning against their counter, holding out a glass that was filled with water. Rafael took it, taking a seat at the bar. He brought the glass up to his lips, sipping at the cool liquid. “Spit it out please. I can’t do the suspense,” Rafael whispered. 

“There was a call for you,” Sonny whispered, and Rafael looked up, swallowing heavily. “They said their son was friends with Sebastian. Brody something.” Rafael suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He hadn’t even noticed that Brody had survived the shooting. He had been too wrapped up in everything else. There had only been a few children in Sebastian’s class who had made it out, two or three at the most. He felt a pang of jealousy, and he hated himself for it. They got to hold their son again, to see him grow up, and he would never see Sebastian again. He wouldn’t see him graduate or get married or anything that he had been looking forward to. 

“What did they want?” he asked softly, taking another sip of the water and trying to stay calm. 

“They wanted to talk to you. If you don’t want to, I can call them back,” Sonny said. He was about to tell Sonny that he had no interest in talking to anyone at the moment, but Brody had been in that classroom, with Sebastian, and it was selfish of him to be so bitter. “Tell them I can come by tonight. I just need to get a shower and clean up a little bit.” He headed back to the bathroom, running his fingers through his hair as he tried to calm down. He grabbed a towel from the linen closet, heading into the bedroom to get clothes. Liv was sitting in bed, looking at her phone, probably scrolling through work emails. He dug around in the drawer for a second, finding himself a shirt and some jeans to wear. He was pulling them out when he felt someone behind him. It was only seconds before Liv’s arms wrapped around his waist. 

“Hey,” she whispered. He put a hand over hers, thumb brushing over the smooth skin of her wrist. 

“Hey,” he murmured back, turning his head, so she could slot their lips together. 

“I thought maybe you and I could go somewhere,” she said, and his brow furrowed. He turned in her arms, leaning in for one more kiss before he looked at her questioningly. 

“Where would we go?” he asked. 

“A hotel,” she whispered. “Sonny could probably stay here with the boys or your mom. I just want some time with you. No interruptions. Just us and a bed, maybe a jacuzzi.” 

“Mm,” he hummed, big hands grabbed at her waist, pulling her impossibly closer. “No clothes,” he teased, and she laughed. 

“I think that’s a given,” she whispered. He leaned his face down against he top of her head, and she rubbed his back. 

“I have to go do something first. I’m going to talk to Brody and his parents. They called. Do you want to…” he trailed off, and she shook her head. 

“I just...I can’t Rafa,” she said softly, and he squeezed her to his chest. 

“Okay. I’ll meet you there. Just text me. Whatever you want,” he said softly. “Call my mom, I’m sure she’ll keep an eye on them.” 

“Okay. I’ll see you later then,” she whispered, and he smiled. 

“Yeah you will,” he said back. He started walking towards the bathroom again, but her voice stopped him. 

“And Rafa?” she said. He turned, looking at her as he paused in the doorway. “I love you.” 

“Love you too Liv. Always,” Rafael whispered. He’s heart still soared every time Liv said it. His love for her grew every single day, and he couldn’t imagine being without her. She had given him everything he could ever want. 

*******

Rafael was trying to force air into his lungs as they approached the familiar apartment building. He had driven Sebastian over countless times. He and Brody really had been inseparable. He sat in the car for a little bit, putting off the impending conversation. He wasn’t sure what he might hear during this conversation. “You okay?” Sonny’s voice was soft. Rafael nodded slightly. He swallowed heavily, hand going to the handle of the door. He pulled it, opening the door and swinging his legs out until the soles of his shoes were planted firmly on the ground. He could feel himself shaking, and he wanted to call the whole thing off, but he forced himself to flex his legs, pushing himself up until he was standing. He shut the door, grateful that it was finally summer. It wasn’t freezing anymore. The warm sun beat down on him as he slowly made his way to the door. They were buzzed in, and Sonny stood silently with him in the elevator. Rafael was grateful the detective was with him. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to be there on his own especially if he was upset afterwards. Liv had texted him the hotel she picked, and he had smiled. They had been there before, more than once when they needed a night away from the boys, a night to themselves for anniversaries or occasionally his birthday. When the elevator reached the third floor, Rafael stepped out, leading Sonny down the hall to the last apartment on the left side of the hall. Standing in front of that door, he was hit with the fleeting image of standing there, holding Sebastian’s hand, a sleeping bag clutched in his other hand. Sebastian had a backpack on. It was his first sleepover. He had been scared, but excited all the same. Rafael would always be grateful to Brody for being his son’s friend. 

Rafael reached out, hesitating for a moment before his knuckles connected with the door. He knocked twice, but the door opened almost immediately, revealing Brody’s father, Matt, standing there, looking at Rafael sadly. “Rafael, hi,” he said softly, moving aside. “Come on in.” Rafael slowly entered the apartment, passing by the man into their living room. He slipped his shoes off. Rafael stood in the middle of the living room awkwardly. He wasn’t sure what to do. 

“I’m going to wait here,” Sonny said, taking a seat on their couch. Rafael was grateful he might have some privacy. 

“Brody is in here,” Matt said softly, gesturing toward the kitchen. Rafael followed him through a door to the dining room, and he took a seat at the table. Ella, Brody’s mother, was seated along with Brody. There were scattered papers across the table, scribbles all over them. Brody looked haunted, his eyes dull and missing that spark that Rafael was accustomed to seeing. Rafael’s heart broke. Another life that was in shambles because of senseless violence. 

“Rafael, hey,” Ella said softly. She turned to Brody who was clinging to her. Brody may have been small, but he hadn’t ever been shy. He had a big heart, and Rafael had genuinely liked the boy. “Can you say hi to Mr. Barba, Sebastian’s dad,” she prompted. Brody peeked over at him, eyes full of fear. Rafael waved, hoping to soothe some of the boy’s anxiety. Brody stared at him for a second, big, blue eyes displaying his unease, but he finally lifted his hand up and waved back. 

“So,” Rafael said softly. “You wanted to talk to me.” 

“Um,” Matt said softly. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to talk before, but we had a few things we wanted to say. First, of course, we are so sorry for your loss. We were at the funeral, but you and Liv--we didn’t want to bother you.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered. From them, it felt sincere. They had cared for his son. “Thank you for being there. It means a lot.” 

“Brody wouldn’t have made it out of that classroom without Sebastian, and we wanted to thank you because we can’t thank him,” Matt said. That hit Rafael like a ton of bricks. His eyes filled with tears, and he tried to swallow them back before they escaped. “There are things that Brody has told us that I thought you might want to know.” Rafael needed to know now. He wasn’t sure he could go another second without knowing, but Brody looked so upset. 

“He doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to,” Rafael whispered. He wanted to spare Brody anymore pain. 

“He knows he can stop if he wants to,” Ella said softly. Brody had begun to migrate from her side, further into his own chair. 

“Mommy?” Brody’s voice was soft. “Can I have a snack?” She nodded, going to the kitchen to get him something. Matt took a seat beside his son, putting a hand on the five year old’s back.

“Sorry it’s a bit of a mess. His therapist was just here,” Matt said, eyeing the papers that were still everywhere, and Rafael sympathized with him, worrying over his child. 

“Noah has been seeing a therapist,” Rafael said softly. “This has been a lot for him.” Matt nodded, his understanding obvious. “I would like to hear whatever Brody feels comfortable sharing. Thank you for this.” Matt turned towards Brody. 

“Can you tell Sebastian’s dad about what happened in your classroom?” he asked gently. Brody didn’t say anything at first. He nervously toyed with his sleeves in lieu of speaking. When his mother returned, handing him a bowl of cheez its, he picked one up, putting it in his mouth and chewing. Each second felt like an eternity, Rafael’s heart thudding against his chest. He could feel the thudding against his temples as well. 

“We were reading a book,” Brody said finally, and Rafael had to swallow. He was trying desperately to keep ahold of himself. “It was loud, and Miss Martin told us to hide.” He paused, and Rafael was already fighting with himself to keep the tears at bay. He could only imagine the terror they felt. The chaos. Little kids who had no idea what was going on. “Me and Sebastian were in the corner when the man came in. Pop and Miss Martin screamed. Sebastian held my hand cause I was scared. He held Hannah’s hand too.” 

“Jesus,” Rafael whispered, wiping at his eyes. Sebastian hated it when people were upset. He hated when Leo or Noah cried, and he was always trying to make it better. He would hug Rafael when he was sick or if he was mad or upset. Sebastian was always trying to fix it. 

“Sebastian said not to be scared,” Brody whispered. “He was crying though.” Ella set a glass of water down on the table in front of Rafael, and he nodded at her gratefully. He took a sip from the glass. “It was loud, it hurt my ears.” Brody paused, eating a few cheez its and toying with a napkin uncomfortably. He looked so nervous. “More pops and everyone was on the floor. I covered my ears, and then Sebastian was on the floor too, and the man pointed the gun at me. There was no pop, and he looked angry. Sebastian said to run.” Tears were in Brody’s eyes, and Rafael felt like he was going to be sick. He could feel the panic rising inside of him. Hearing this about Sebastian, it was so hard to imagine him lying on the floor like that, scared, but trying to be brave. “I ran down the hall and hid in the closet.” Rafael was overwhelmed. He leaned his head down, trying to control the tears that were beginning to course down his cheeks. Sebastian should never have had to try and be brave. He was too young to be protecting his friends. Rafael was so proud though. He was so proud of Sebastian. He was proud of his five year old baby who had thought to save his best friend even after he’d been shot. It was so unfair. “I don’t think I want to talk anymore,” Brody said softly. 

“Alright,” Ella said softly. “Let’s go watch some cartoons.” Brody was shaking slightly, and he got down, wiping at his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Rafael sat up and looked at him. 

“Brody,” he said softly. “Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault. Promise me you won’t forget that.” Brody nodded at him, and Rafael offered him a smile. He looked so upset, his brown hair falling into his face. Rafael was trying not to cry anymore. He had been crying so much for so long. He wiped at his eyes again, and Matt pushed a tissue box across the table. Rafael took one. His eyes caught on one of the papers that was strewn across the table. There was so much red, a bookshelf, stick figures all over the floor, and he felt physically ill. He tried to stop the shaking, to calm down a little bit. He looked up, meeting Matt’s troubled eyes. Rafael knew he wasn’t sure what to say or how to act. No one ever was anymore. “Thank you for this,” Rafael whispered. “Really, it means a lot.” 

“Your son was a hero,” Matt said. “He saved my little boy, and I will be forever grateful. He was a really good friend to Brody.” 

“I--” Rafael trailed off, dissolving into tears. He was a mess. Once he started crying, he couldn’t stop. He leaned his head into his hands, trying to calm down, to stop falling apart. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “This is all a lot for me. I’m very glad Brody made it out alright.” 

“I’m just sorry Sebastian didn’t, and Brody is as well,” Matt said softly. Rafael wiped at his eyes, trying to control himself, but his voice was distorted by sobs when he spoke. 

“How long did it take them to find him?” He asked. 

“A couple hours. They weren’t sure where he was, but none of the bodies matched his description or what he was wearing,” Matt said softly. That explained why they had been waiting for so long. “I’m glad that Leo and Noah made it out unscathed.” 

“Noah’s a mess,” Rafael whispered, taking another tissue. “He’s doing a little better thankfully, but we had to pull him from school. He was in the bathroom across from the classroom, and he hid there.” Matt just shook his head. 

“If you want to look at any of these, you can, but don’t feel like you have to,” Matt said, pushing the stacks of drawings towards him. Rafael pushed them away. That was too much. 

“Maybe some other time,” he whispered. Rafael felt like he was teetering on the edge of a massive panic attack. He hadn’t felt so awful in months, and yet if he had the choice, he would have heard the details again. He did find comfort in what Brody said. “Is there anything else I might be able to answer for you?” Matt asked. Rafael shook his head. He wiped at his face again. 

“Can you get Detective Carisi for me?” he asked. Matt nodded, disappearing out into the other room, and it was only a few moments before he heard Sonny approaching. 

“Hey Rafael,” Sonny said gently. Rafael didn’t even answer. “Let me help you up.” He was shaking, and Sonny eased him up from the chair, keeping a supportive arm around him so he wouldn’t collapse down to the floor. Sonny helped him out to the door where Rafael struggled to get his shoes back on. Tying the laces was hard with shaking fingers. Sonny helped him keep his balance. He weakly waved goodbye to Matt, Brody, and Ella as Sonny got him out the door. “Where are we headed?” Sonny asked. Rafael just handed his phone over, and Sonny nodded. Once he made it to the car, he leaned his head against the cool window, trying to stop crying so hard. He shut his eyes, letting the emotions out. Sebastian had done so well. He couldn’t have been prouder of his son who had acted heroically. He had done everything Rafael had ever told him. He had been forced to act mature beyond his years, and he had succeeded far more than anyone could expect from a five year old in the same situation. He barely noticed the city buildings flying by as Sonny drove him to the hotel. When the car stopped, he felt numb. He hadn’t felt so numb in months. “We’re here Rafael,” Sonny said softly. Rafael just nodded. Sonny climbed out of the car, and Rafael felt a rush of air as the detective opened the back door, grabbing Rafael’s overnight bag. Rafael’s hand rested on the handle of the door, but he could bring himself to pull enough to open it. He felt the door pulled away from his hand, leaving his arm to flop at his side, and then Sonny was standing beside him, holding the bag. “Come on, you’ll feel better when you see Liv.” Rafael just nodded numbly, letting Sonny guide him inside the building. As he walked in, he kept his eyes on his feet, taking one step at a time. He looked up, and they were suddenly at the door to the room, and Sonny put the keycard in. 

“Rafa? Is that you?” Liv called. Every word he wanted to say was trapped inside his throat, suppressed by the tears. He didn’t feel like he could speak. 

“Yeah, it’s him,” Sonny said. “Come here, can you give me a hand?” Then Liv finally appeared in his field of vision. She took one look at his face before she wrapped an arm around him, guiding him inside. Sonny followed behind, the bag in his hands. He set it down on the floor before he left, giving them some privacy. Liv’s hand was settled on Rafael’s lower back, nudging him forward until he took a seat on the bed. He flattened his hands against the soft comforter, trying to calm down, but he could barely breathe. He tried to force oxygen into his lungs, but he was starting to go over the edge. Liv’s arm felt like it weighed a thousand pounds where it was draped over his shoulders. 

“I’m right here,” she said softly. “Cry all you want.” He knew she didn’t want to hear about what happened to Sebastian. She had made that clear earlier, and he wasn’t going to torture her with the details. He let her pull him closer, her hand threaded in his thick, dark locks, holding his head against her shirt. It felt soft against his cheek, and he shut his eyes, finally letting himself go completely. The tears poured from his eyes, choked sobs shaking his body, but Liv’s gentle hand running across his back helped. Her arms were strong, wrapped around his shoulders and keeping his body against her own. He felt safe like that. Liv could always make him feel completely at ease which was enough for him to allow himself to cry freely. She was the only person he could be truly open with. He didn’t hold back. “Shh,” she whispered. “It’s going to be alright. Try and take some deep breaths.”

“Liv,” He whispered, but she hushed him. 

“Just try to calm down, then we can talk,” she said softly. He focused his energy on controlling his breathing just as Liv asked. She held him close until he finally started to calm down and stop crying. Once he was marginally calmer, she shifted him up so she could lay with him on the bed. “You okay?” She asked finally, and he nodded. 

“I read that letter, and then I talked to Brody, and it was a lot,” he admitted after a second. 

“Just tell me one thing,” she whispered. “Tell me he wasn’t alone.” Rafael shook his head. 

“He wasn’t alone,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. Liv nodded, leaning her face against her chest and shutting her eyes. 

“I-Is there anything you think I need to know?” she asked softly, and he swallowed heavily. 

“He was a hero, like his Mommy,” Rafael whispered. “He saved Brody.” Liv’s lip quivered, and he leaned down, pressing his face into her hair. “Our son was a hero.” 

“He shouldn’t have to be a hero. He should be able to be five,” Liv whispered, and he nodded, hand stroking through her hair. “It’s not fair.” 

“It’s not,” he agreed softly. “I am so proud of him though.” 

“Me too,” Liv whispered. “I’ll always be proud of him. Are you okay?” 

“I’m better now that I’m with you,” Rafael whispered, and Liv couldn’t help but smile.   
“We don’t have to….we could just lay here, together,” she offered, and he appreciated what she was trying to do, but he wanted her. 

“I still want to,” he said softly. “I was looking forward to the whole no clothes bit.” Liv couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. 

“You always are,” she murmured teasingly, and he didn’t argue. How could he not? Liv was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. He had no idea how he had ever seen anyone else and been attracted to them. She was the only one he had eyes for anymore, and it had been that way since the day he met her. He had really hated himself for it at first, hated himself for wanting her when she was off limits, but somehow, in the end, they made it work, and he couldn’t have been happier about it. 

“Where to first?” he whispered, leaning down for a kiss. “Bed? Jacuzzi? Maybe against the wall?” She laughed softly. 

“First? Getting ahead of yourself a little bit there Mr. Barba?” she teased before kissing him again, pulling his lip between her teeth, lightly scraping them across the smooth skin and pulling a groan from deep in his chest. 

“Don’t pretend. I know you’re insatiable. Five years of marriage teaches a man these things,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure how she always managed to improve his mood so quickly. He had felt absolutely miserable when he entered the hotel room, but she had improved his mood in less than a half hour. 

“I don’t see you complaining,” she teased softly. “Or him.” She punctuated her statement by squeezing the bulge in his pants, and he sucked in a sharp intake of breath. 

“Oh, he’s definitely not complaining,” he whispered hoarsely. He arched into her touch, and she squeezed again. “Jesus,” he whispered. 

“Let’s start on the bed,” Liv whispered. She grabbed him by his shirt, yanking him around until she could push him onto his back and straddle his lap. He held on tight to her, his hands resting on her hips, keeping the pressure against his groin. She started pulling at his tee shirt, trying to push it up to his chest. He liked being so close to her, face to face like that. Rafael arched up, connecting their lips. He ran his hands over her back and down to her ass. 

“Let me up a little,” he said softly. “I want to sit up.” Liv pulled at him again, pushing him back towards the headboard so he could lean against the pillows. It was easier for him to kiss her then. Her hands trailed down his still covered chest, but then she grabbed the shirt, pulling it over his head. She started kissing his neck, nipping at the skin there, and he clutched at her back, pulling her closer and closer. She made him feel alive. She made him feel period. Liv’s skin was warm under his palms, and he ran his hands all over her, under her shirt and over her back. He pulled her shirt over her head, swallowing heavily. She was so beautiful. He could feel himself sweating, a flush settling under his skin. He leaned forward as she rocked their bodies together, skin separated by layers of clothing, but it didn’t stop the jolt of pleasure he felt as she ground against him. He pressed his face against the swell of her breasts, nuzzling and kissing. She was intoxicating. He felt dizzy with arousal. She dragged her fingers through his hair slipping out of her bra with a little assistance, and he closed his mouth over her nipple. She arched into him. He had never been able to name his favorite part of her body. All of her was so beautiful, but he sure loved to worship her breasts. He could spend hours kissing his way across her body, paying extra attention to any scar or birthmark. He always wanted her to know the way he saw her. She was gorgeous. He was distracted by her hand slipping into his pants though, and he threw his head back, letting out a breathy gasp. 

“Get these off,” she whispered, and he nodded. He had no idea how she always managed to get him so worked up. 

“I will never get tired of you,” he said softly. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve seen in my entire life.” 

“I would hope not,” she whispered with a laugh. “You are such a smooth talker.” He pouted when she lifted herself from his lap. “Oh relax, take off your pants and it’ll get better.” He struggled with the button and the zipper, cringing at the grating sensation as he lowered it. He kicked them off, dropping them beside the bed, and Liv grabbed at his boxer briefs, dragging them down his legs. 

“Now we see who truly wears the pants in this relationship,” he teased, and she laughed. 

“Well we all know you want to get in these pants, so stop talking and put your mouth to good use,” she said, and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“First, you better take them off,” he whispered. “Unless you want me to suck on your jeans.” She snorted, popping the button on her pants, dragging them down her hips and letting them fall to ground with her panties. He took a moment to admire her as he always did before he dove in. She grabbed at his hair, pulling him where she wanted, and he moaned. He was a hard worker, tireless when his head was buried in her lap. He hitched her legs over his shoulders, and her heels dug into his back, forcing him closer. He stroked his hands over her legs over and over again, feeling the muscle, the smooth skin as he lapped at her clit and pressed his fingers inside of her. Every noise she made sent a shot of warmth to his cock, making it twitch and jerk against the bedspread. He was so hard, it was almost painful. He needed this. He needed her. She made him feel alive. He was feeling something, and he was hit again with how much he loved her. As she shuddered and tightened her grip on his hair, he felt accomplished. She finally let go of him, her chest heaving with exertion, and he smiled, wiping at his damp face. 

“You are too good at that,” she whispered, threading her fingers in his hair once more and pulling him down for a kiss. 

“Well they don’t call it Ivy League oratory for nothing,” he joked, and she snorted. Her lips were so soft against his own, and if he wasn’t aching for release, he’d be content to kiss her for the rest of eternity. She reached down, wrapping her fingers around him, and he whined. “Liv,” he whispered. “I’m not gonna--I won’t last. I need--” She nodded, guiding him between her legs and helping him line up. 

“I’m ready for you,” she whispered, and he nodded, planting a hand on the bed and pushing himself up to gain leverage. He pressed forward slowly, and Liv’s hands ran down his damp back and over the back of his neck. Liv hooked a leg over the back of his thighs, pulling him in harder with each thrust, and he had to press his face against her neck. He could feel the tears pricking his eyes. It felt so good to be connected with her again, to be so close. After his long, emotional day, everything was coming to the surface for a release. All of the sadness, the love. They had made Sebastian together, and then they lost him, but they were still Liv and Rafa. They were trying their best to get through, and the emotions of the situation felt like a truck slamming into him. He couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I need you.” 

“You have me,” she promised, her own eyes glassy with tears. “I’m not going anywhere Rafa. You have me.” He couldn’t stop them from making their way down his cheeks, leaving a damp trail on his skin. Liv wiped a few away with her thumb, cupping his cheek and pulling him in for a kiss. Her tongue pressing into his mouth had him groaning, and he knew he couldn’t last much longer. He trailed his hand down between them, gently starting to massage her clit, and she groaned into his mouth, arching up off the bed. He wanted her to come one more time before he let go. “I’m close,” she whispered. “Jesus Rafa, so close. Together.” He nodded, flexing his hips frantically as he chased his own release. They tumbled over the edge together, and he whispered her name, pressing his face against her chest. She stroked his back, nails scraping against his scalp gently as he came down from his high. He felt boneless in her arms, and he knew it was going to be at least an hour before he recovered enough to go again. He just shut his eyes for a couple minutes, resting, enjoying the afterglow. 

“I think we should look at a surrogate.” He said it out of the blue, but he had been thinking. He wanted to give Liv anything she asked for. What was so bad about doing surrogacy instead of adopting. He had his reasons for preferring the latter, but either way, they would have a baby. Liv would have the baby she wanted so badly, and he was starting to want it too. He wanted another child to love. Their fourth. Liv looked at him with newly shining eyes. 

“Really?” she asked softly, and he nodded. 

“Really.” His voice was firm, and the look in her eyes made him happy. They needed each other and their boys more than anything, and he was going to do everything he could to be there for her. 

“How long until you think you could get into that jacuzzi with me?” she asked softly, and he laughed. 

“I could get in now, but we might have to just sit in there for a day or so,” he joked. 

“I’ll just pull your hair a little bit, that’ll speed it up,” she teased, and he smiled. Having some time to themselves was such a good idea. 

……………………..

Rafael felt like a bit of a live wire. He was getting dressed, buttoning up his freshly ironed shirt, and pulling on a suit. He had chosen a navy suit with brown shoes. He was tying his shoes when the door burst open, and Noah ran in the room. “Noah!” Liv called after the five year old, sounding frustrated. 

“Daaaad,” Noah whined. “I don’t want to get dressed up.” 

“Noah, come on, take it easy on your Mom. She’s still recovering,” Rafael said softly, and Noah pouted. “Here, sit here,” he said, lifting Noah up so he could sit on the bed. Rafael went out to find Liv. She was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the table, and his heart skipped a beat. “Are you okay?” he asked softly. She shook her head slightly, taking a deep breath. “You have to take it easy Olivia. The doctor said to be careful.” 

“I know, I know,” she whispered. “Noah needed to get dressed, and he was running away.” 

“I’ll take care of it,” Rafael said, looping his arm through her own. He eased her down on the couch, bending down to kiss her forehead. “You’ll be back to full strength soon, but you need to be careful for now. I will take care of Noah. You rest.” She nodded, leaning back against the couch, eyes shutting. Rafael was concerned. She needed to relax and rest after a grueling labor and some nearly catastrophic complications. The doctor thought she would be fine, but she needed to be resting rather than chasing after Noah. He headed to the bedroom where Noah was still sitting, and he sighed. “So, what’s the problem?” he asked softly, taking a seat beside his son. 

“I don’t want to dress up,” Noah pouted. “It’s itchy.” Rafael smiled softly. 

“Well, we’re going to church, so you have to wear something nice, but I’ll make a deal with you,” Rafael said softly. That got Noah’s attention. “I know Mommy laid you out some clothes, but how about we go pick something else that’s less….itchy.” Noah sighed, but he nodded, letting Rafael take his hand and walk him back to his bedroom. Liv had a suit laid out for him, so Rafael went to the closet, looking for something that Noah might prefer. He grabbed a pair of khakis for Noah to wear, and he held them up. Noah made a face, but finally nodded. He looked around until he found a sweater that Noah could wear over his dress shirt. “Better?” he asked softly, and Noah sighed, but he nodded. “Get dressed quick. We have to go soon,” Rafael said. Noah nodded, and Rafael shut the door once he left the room, heading to the nursery. Sebastian was in his crib, looking up at his mobile curiously, and Rafael reached in, picking him up carefully. Everytime he looked at Sebastian, he was filled with pride and happiness. It was a unique feeling. It blew his mind to think that he and Liv had created him together. He had given up on the hope of having a family, but now he wasn’t sure how he ever thought his life would be complete without it. He made a face at Sebastian, whispering to him softly. “Today is your big day,” Rafael whispered, and Sebastian just stared at him, big green eyes melting Rafael’s heart. “You are gonna be a real heartbreaker some day little man,” he said with a laugh. He carefully changed Sebastian into his outfit, white trousers, a white shirt, little white suspenders, and a bowtie. He wrapped him in a blanket, hoping to keep it spotless until they were at the church finally. Liv was still in the living room when he ventured out there to buckle Sebastian into his carseat. Noah appeared moments later, and Rafael laughed at his crooked sweater. He helped straighten in out once Sebastian was in the car seat. He got them both into jackets before he turned to Liv. “You need any help getting ready?” he asked, and she shook her head, waving him off. 

He took a seat on the couch, rocking the car seat as he waited for Liv to be ready to leave. Noah sat next to him on the couch. “You okay buddy?” he asked. Noah shrugged. 

“This sounds boring,” he said softly. 

“Maybe a little,” Rafael said with a laugh. “Your Mom did one of these for you when you were a baby.” 

“Really?” Noah asked softly, and Rafael nodded. 

“After it’s over, we’ll go have a nice big lunch, and you can get whatever you want,” Rafael said, and that put a big smile on Noah’s face. “It’ll be fun.” 

“Okay,” Noah finally agreed. Liv appeared after a couple moments, looking tired. He picked up the car seat, wrapping an arm around her waist. She held Noah’s hand. For once, he drove, trying to follow the doctor’s orders and allow Liv every possible chance to rest up. Rafael caught sight of Noah leaning over and looking at Sebastian when he was checking his mirrors, and he smiled. 

“Gentle, Noah,” he said softly. 

“I am,” Noah grumbled. 

“Raf, look where you’re driving, Jesus,” Liv said, and his eyes shot back to the road. He had to slam the brakes to avoid rear ending the car in front of him. “This is why I don’t let you drive,” she said, and he laughed softly at her complaining. 

When they arrived at the church, Rafael carried Sebastian in while Liv walked with Noah. Their friends and family were gathering, and he smiled at his mother who came over, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Let me see my grandbabies,” she said, pulling Noah in for a hug and taking Sebastian from him. Noah had warmed up to Rafael living with them fairly quickly, but he was still shy around Lucia. 

“Mom,” Rafael whispered, glancing toward Noah who looked uncomfortable. She let him go with a sigh, and Rafael knew she was just excited, but he knew they needed to respect Noah’s feelings. “Can you say hi to Abuelita, Noah?” Rafael asked. She handed Sebastian back to him, seemingly focused on Noah. 

“Hi,” Noah said softly, and she smiled. 

“I have something for you Noah,” Lucia said softly, kneeling down by him. Noah grabbed at Rafael’s pants, but he didn’t flee, and Rafael considered that progress. 

“Really?” Noah asked softly, and she nodded, grabbing for her purse. She produced a little pack of cookies, and Noah’s face brightened. “Are these for me?” Noah asked, and she nodded, handing them over. “Thank you,” Noah said softly. He hesitated a moment before giving her a hug, and Rafael smiled. When Noah stepped back, Rafael tousled his hair.   
“Why don’t you go sit with Mommy,” he suggested, and Noah nodded, scampering off. 

“Hmm,” he said, a crooked smirk playing on his lips. “Bribing him, that’s a new one,” he said, and she laughed. 

“He’ll warm up to me,” she said. “I just want to speed it up. You’ve made me wait this long for grandchildren. I’m going to get my fill.” Rafael couldn’t help but smile. “I’m proud of you mijo. I always have been,” she whispered, and he let her kiss his cheek. 

“Thanks Mami,” he said softly. 

“Today is a big day for this little guy,” she said, smiling at Sebastian who was cradled in Rafael’s arms. “How’s Liv holding up?” 

“She’s still recovering,” he said softly. “It was touch and go there at first. I don’t even want to think about how close we were to losing her. She had a lot of bleeding. She’s going crazy with all this rest, but she can’t afford to overexert herself.” 

“Is she going to make a full recovery?” His mother asked. 

“Hopefully. The doctors aren’t sure it’s safe for us to have anymore children though,” he said softly, looking at Sebastian. “I guess this little guy is it.” 

“Two is a good number,” his mother said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“At least he has Noah to keep him company,” Rafael said, smiling down at his son. His mother smiled at him, and he couldn’t help but smile back. “I’m so happy,” he said softly. 

“Not tired of changing diapers or getting up in the middle of the night yet?” she asked, and he shook his head. 

“I don’t know that I could ever get tired of it,” he said. 

“Oh, you will,” she replied with a laugh. “You were quite the handful. He’s going to eat you alive. Just wait until he can walk and talk.” 

“I wasn’t that bad,” he grumbled, and she smiled. He huffed, walking over toward Liv. People were arriving, and it was about time to start. “Where’s Fin?” he asked softly. 

“Amaro called, said he got caught up at a crime scene. He’ll be here any minute,” Liv said. Rafael nodded. Rita was already there, waiting to get started. It hadn’t been easy deciding who to ask to be Sebastian’s Godparents. Rafael had eventually settled on Rita, who had been there for him since college. It made plenty of sense why Liv chose Fin. Their relationship was special. Rafael always knew Liv had someone in her corner at work, and that helped with some of the anxiety when she left for work in the morning. 

When Fin finally arrived, they were ready to start, and Father Mike began the ceremony. Most of Rafael’s attention was focused on Sebastian who was in Rita’s arms. He couldn’t take his eyes off his beautiful son. Noah held onto the Rafael’s hand the whole time, and he was restless and antsy, but he was behaving well which Rafael appreciated. He wished Liv might have agreed to sit, but she was stubborn, and he needed to pick his battles. She stood beside him, but he could tell she was getting fatigued. He knew it was frustrating for her, and he was trying to encourage her. If she could just rest for now, she would heal much faster, and then it would be over, and things would be back to normal. Thankfully, they had spoken with Father Mike beforehand, and he kept the ceremony short. 

Afterward, everyone was coming to talk to them, and Noah was getting restless again. Rafael excused himself, leaving Liv with Fin and the baby. “What do you need little man?” he asked Noah once they finally made it somewhere private. 

“I’m hungry Daddy and itchy,” Noah whined. Rafael laughed a little bit. 

“Alright, we’re going to leave soon,” Rafael said. “Then we can go eat lunch.” That made Noah smile. “Let me get Mommy.” As Rafael went back to get Liv, he was hit by how different his life was. He hadn’t ever imagined such a domestic scene for himself, but he couldn’t be happier about it. 

…………………………

Liv was sitting at her desk, typing up a report on her computer when her phone dinged. She finished the sentence she was writing, wondering if it was Rafael. She wanted to go out for lunch, but he hadn’t been answering his phone most of the morning. She picked it up, the screen lighting up as she brought it close so she could read what the notification said. It was from her period tracking app, and she frowned. She hadn’t even noticed she was late. There was a lot going on, life was hectic with trying to keep Noah caught up with school, watching Leo, and doing her job. Noah had bargained with Rafael until he was allowed to spend Wednesdays and Fridays in Rafael’s office. She hadn’t been thinking about herself. 

She swallowed hard, looking at the calendar. She had been worried about this. She was getting to the point where menopause was imminent, and then they wouldn’t be able to have any more kids. She had just thought she might have a little bit more time. She grabbed her phone, standing up. She felt panic bubbling up inside of her. They needed to get moving, immediately. There was no time to wait. She dialed Rafael’s number, trying to calm down, but she was feeling shaky. It rang and rang and rang, and he didn’t answer again. Liv sighed, feeling a headache coming on. She tried him again. She could feel tears building up, a burning sensation behind her eyes. She tried to calm down, to tell herself it wasn’t the ned of the world. 

“Liv? What’s going on?” His voice was like a relief, but she couldn’t hold back the tears as she started to speak. 

“Rafa.” It was all she got out, but he could hear the tears in her voice. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, sounding truly worried now. 

“I’m late,” she whispered, and he was quiet for a second. “I think I’m starting menopause Raf.” 

“Okay, take a deep breath,” he said. “We still have time. Less time than we thought, but we have time.” She nodded, wiping at her eyes and feeling stupid for getting so worked up. His soft words were enough to soothe her. He had always been good at that. There was something about his gentle voice that was inherently calming. “I’ll call the doctor’s office right now. I’ll get myself an appointment for a physical. You need to have a work up done, and I’ll call our fertility specialist that we used with Leo. It’s going to be alright. Try to calm down.” Liv took a few deep breaths, letting him calm her down. “How about I come pick you up for lunch in an hour. It’s going to be alright.” 

“I didn’t even notice I missed it for two weeks Rafa. It’s just because of my phone. This is bad,” she whispered. “I just have a bad feeling.” 

“Things have been going bad for the better part of the last year. We’ll figure this out. Don’t give up hope yet. If worse comes to worse, we will adopt again,” he said. “I know that’s not your first choice, but it’s always an option. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Liv whispered. 

“I’ll pick you up in an hour. Look for the handsome guy riding Uber,” he said, and she couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

“Anytime,” he replied. 

********

It was early morning, the room warm. Liv’s eyes still felt heavy, and Rafael’s arms were wrapped securely around her, his body pressed up against her back as he slept soundly. She could feel his slow, even breaths. She was half asleep, half awake, reveling in the feeling of him. He had called the doctor’s office right away, and he was scheduled for a physical in a few weeks. It was all they could fit with his busy schedule. Her appointment was a week after his, and as soon as she was in to the office and checked out, she would feel better. His reassurances went a long way though. She was feeling calmer about all of it. 

She started to feel a little dizzy though, and when she opened her eyes, the nausea increased. Liv shot up, pulling herself free from Rafael’s arms and she was glad he was a heavy sleeper. She rushed to the bathroom, throwing the light and the fan on and slamming the door shut before she bent over, clutching at the toilet, spilling the contents of her stomach. Her vision was swimming after that, and she sat on the tile floor, leaning against he wall, trying to regain her bearings. She finally managed to breathe normally again, and get herself calmed down enough to stand. She was unsteady, pressing down on the lever to flush the toilet. She washed her hands, brushing her teeth to get the taste out of her mouth. She had to plant a hand on the counter, trying to stay upright. She felt so dizzy. She splashed some water on her face before venturing out of the bathroom and back to bed. Rafael had rolled over, hugging a pillow. She crawled under the covers. “Where’d you go?” he asked softly, his voice gravelly and hoarse. 

“Had to pee,” she lied, and he hummed, turning back over and pulling her against him. He sleepily pressed a kiss to the side of her neck. She didn’t want to worry him. He already had enough on his plate, and she was sure it was nothing. She couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling that was nagging at her though. She tried to ignore it, letting her eyes slip shut as she relaxed into his arms. 

*******

Liv was sitting at her desk, reading over the paperwork Amanda had turned in on her last arrest, but she was having trouble focusing. What had started as getting sick one morning had turned into feeling nauseous almost every day for two weeks. She felt bloated and nauseous and overheated, and she didn’t like it. She knew those were symptoms of menopause which added to her stress, but she also had a bad feeling at the pit of her stomach. There was this little voice in her head that was telling her it wasn’t just menopause. It was telling her there was something seriously wrong. She could visibly see that she had gained a few pounds. Rafael always told her she was beautiful, but she didn’t feel beautiful, and she was very worried. A knock on the door startled her, and Sonny walked in the room. “Hey, Liv, I need to talk to you quick. Rafael wanted me to make a couple calls to his friends in the legislature, and I wanted to know--” She held up a hand, interrupting his sentence as she slid to the ground, grabbing for the trashcan and vomiting for the second time that day. As she went down, she knocked papers off her desk, all over the floor, and Sonny knelt down beside her. “You okay?” he asked softly, and she wiped the tears from her face. “Let me get you a water,” he offered, and she nodded. She had to shut her eyes to ward off the dizziness. Her head was thudding, her temples aching as she waited for Carisi to return. 

When Sonny returned, he helped her to sit down, and she leaned back against the wall, taking the water bottle and sipping at it. He started picking up the papers that had floated to the floor. He took a look at them, turning toward her. “You guys are looking at surrogacy?” he asked softly. 

“Yeah, we’re talking about it,” Liv said. “After Sebastian, the doctor told me I wouldn’t get pregnant again, not without a surrogate. They said it was dangerous, and that I would have to go on fertility medicine. Rafael didn’t want to risk it, so we used a surrogate when we had Leo.” 

“Let me know if you need help with anything,” Sonny said softly. “I’m glad you guys are doing better.” 

“Thank you Carisi,” she said softly. “Could you just help me up?” He eased her up to her feet, guiding her to the chair, and she sat down heavily, still sipping at her water. Her head was absolutely aching. Rafael tended to get more migraines than her. He would spend days couped up in bed, feeling miserable when it was a particularly bad one. She could feel the telltale pressure that was building up behind her eyes. She reached unto the drawer of her desk, feeling around for the Advil that she usually kept in there. She swallowed a few pills, closing her eyes to try and decrease the pounding. She could hear Sonny rustling around, cleaning up the mess, and she appreciated that more than she could articulate. “What were you going to ask?”

“I just wanted to know when you might be free to have a meeting with the governor and a few other people. Rafael wanted to talk about some sort of law thing,” Sonny said softly. 

“I have to look at my calendar,” Liv said tiredly. “Can I get back to you on that?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Sonny said. “Take your time.” He patted her shoulder before heading out of the room, closing her office door with a click. It felt like she blinked and there was a knock on the door. The door opened, and she heard Rafael’s voice. 

“Liv?” he asked. “You weren’t answering your phone.” 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just have a headache.” He would be able to tell something was wrong with her. 

“Do you want some lunch?” he asked softly. The thought of food made her feel nauseous, but she nodded anyways. She heard the door click shut, and she could hear Rafael approach her desk. She felt him reach for her hand, intertwining their fingers. “I’m going to pick up some chinese food. What else do you need?” Liv shrugged. 

“Can you stay?” she asked softly. 

“Sure, I’ll have them deliver,” Rafael said. “I’m not going anywhere. Where’s the pain?” 

“Behind my eyes,” she breathed. “It hurts everywhere.” 

“Mmm,” he hummed. “Here, let’s go over to the couch and sit together.” He helped her up, walking her to the couch, and she felt better with his arms around her. “I have some sumatriptan in my bag. Do you want some?” Liv nodded. The Advil hadn’t done very much to lessen her pain. Rafael gently ran his fingers through her hair before she heard his open his briefcase with a click. He rustled around until he was handing her pills and the water that she left on the desk before. She forced her eyes open, trying to get past the dizziness. She swallowed the pills, and then rested against him, and he rubbed her back, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Migraines are a bitch,” he whispered, and she laughed. “Maybe you should head home for the day,” he suggested. “Get some rest, and then you’ll feel so much better tomorrow.” 

“Maybe in a little bit. I want to have lunch with you,” she said softly. 

“We can have lunch any time,” he whispered. She smiled sadly, breathing in the scent of his cologne. 

“We only have so much time,” she said, and she knew he understood. He kissed the top of her head again, tightening his hold around her. 

“Okay,” he finally agreed. “I called the surrogacy agency, and we have an appointment very soon to start signing papers. After our appointments at the doctor’s.” 

“Thank you Rafa,” she whispered, and she felt his lips curl into a smile against the top of her head. 

“Do you remember the mug he made me in art class?” he asked softly, and Liv laughed. It hadn’t turned out quite like a mug, and sometimes dust ended up in Rafael’s coffee when he used it. “I drank my coffee out of it this morning. It doesn’t even have a handle, but he worked so hard on it.” His voice was filled with tears, a sob threatening to tear its way from his chest, and she hated that thinking about Sebastian, about happy memories, was clouded by grief. They missed him so much, and sometimes, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She wanted to think about him, to talk about him. She wanted to tell everyone about him, but it hurt so bad like she was shoving her fingers into the hole in her heart, the place that was reserved for Sebastian, and she was pulling until it got wider and wider, and then there wasn’t room for anything else, and all she would think about was what he didn’t get to do and what they missed, not what they got. The truth was they got a lot. They got a smiling, energetic, infectiously happy little boy who made them laugh so hard sometimes that their sides hurt. “He was so special,” Rafael whispered. “I won’t ever stop missing him.” Liv reached for Rafael’s hand squeezing softly. 

“Me neither,” Liv said softly.

*******

As Liv laid in bed, she felt horrible. There was this awful cramping sensation, worse than she’d get with menstruation. She had taken the morning off work after Rafael left, and she hoped he wouldn’t swing by the office before she made it in. This was more than worry now. She knew that a lot of her symptoms fit menopause, but she had been doing some research, and a lot of other things could be going on. That nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t go away, and over the years, she had learned to trust her gut. There was something seriously wrong, and she didn’t want to say that to Rafael. He had only just started to get back to feeling like himself. He wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. She was terrified. She didn’t even want to see a doctor. She couldn’t do that to Rafael. She wanted a little bit more time to pretend like everything was okay. Some of the things that came up when she had been researching her symptoms were terrifying, the worst of which being ovarian cancer. She knew Rafael would lose his mind if he knew. 

She wanted to be okay. She didn’t want to do this to him. Not after he already lost Sebastian. He hadn’t realized how sick she had been yet, but it was only a matter of time. Her husband was anything but stupid. She had been able to hide it so far, but she knew it wasn’t sustainable. The nausea truly was the worst, throwing up at work repeatedly. Migraines were commonplace as well, and now she was cramping. She was certainly gaining weight which was not promising. It was almost noticeable already. She groaned softly, rolling over and squeezing her eyes closed. She wanted to stay in bed all day, but she needed to go to work. She slowly forced herself to get out of bed, dressing. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, noting the dark bags under her eyes. She was so tired, and she wasn’t sleeping well. Liv just shook her head, trying to cover it up with makeup. She brushed her teeth, and started out the door, pausing in the hallway to regain her bearings as the world swam in front of her. She felt seasick like she was on a boat. The wall was the only solid surface close, and she braced herself with a hand. She blinked a few times, managing to clear her vision enough that she could walk down to the car. She opened the door, taking a heavy seat, and buckling herself in. She took a few deep breaths before shifting the car into drive. She managed to get to the precinct without crashing which was a miracle. By the time she finally made it up to the right floor, she just wanted to lay down. She slowly walked to her office, holding her hand up when Carisi tried to talk to her. Once she was safely inside, the door closed behind her, she set her bag down on the floor, taking a seat, and shutting her eyes. Head thudding, she tried to think about anything other than the panic that was consuming her or how much energy she was focusing on keeping her breakfast down. She’d barely eaten a piece of toast.

She was startled by the door opening. “Liv.” Her eyes flew open when she heard Rafael’s voice. He sounded worried, upset, and very serious. She blinked, seeing him standing at the door. His hand was on the knob still, and he took a second before he shut it with a click. “What the hell is going on? Are you okay?” he asked softly. He didn’t sound mad, but she could tell he wasn’t happy. 

“What do you mean?” she asked softly, and his eyes narrowed. He took a step closer to her desk, looking agitated. His lips were screwed up into an unhappy grimace, and she could feel the unwelcome sting of tears in her throat once more. 

“Liv,” he said lowly. “I know you took the morning off, and I know you’ve been getting sick for weeks. Don’t lie to me.” His hand was resting on the edge of her desk as he stared her down, demanding an answer. Liv pushed herself up to her feet, feeling shaky, and Rafael swallowed heavily, obviously noticing her slight stumble. 

“I haven’t been feeling well,” she finally admitted. 

“For how long?’ he asked, his voice tense. She swallowed. 

“Weeks,” she finally admitted, and then he was taking a step around her desk, closing the space between them. 

“When were you going to tell me?” he asked softly. She shrugged, vision clouded by tears. They started to drip down her cheeks. 

“I don’t know,” she whispered. 

“You don’t know?” he practically hissed, nostrils flaring but then, he took a deep breath, noticing the tears. He closed his eyes for a second, calming down and softening his glare. “Liv what the hell is this? Please talk to me. I need you to talk to me.” 

“I’m sorry Rafa,” she whispered, and he pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back gently. She pressed her face against his shoulder, sniffling. “I’m sorry, I’m scared. I’ve been throwing up and gaining weight, having cramps, migraines. I feel awful, and I have this bad feeling. It’s something bad Rafael. I don’t think it’s just menopause.” He held her close, his arms tightening around her, fingers stroking through her hair gently.

“Shh,” he whispered. “Okay, breathe honey.” Liv shut her eyes, tears soaking into the fabric of his striped shirt. “You should have told me,” he whispered. “You don’t have to worry about this yourself.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you more,” she whispered. He swallowed heavily. “I just feel like something is wrong, really wrong.” 

“Oh Liv,” he whispered. “It’s going to be alright now. Try to calm down. We will figure this out.” His arms felt safe and comforting, and Liv only wished she might have told him sooner. 

*******

Rafael finally got Liv to calm down a little bit. She was sitting on the couch, her eyes red rimmed with tears. She was clutching the mug of tea he made her. He was pacing now, running a hand through his slicked back hair, messing it up, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was a horrible habit he had picked up since Sebastian died, a stress reaction, and he couldn’t seem to shake it. He was terrified, a coil of dread settling at the pit of his stomach. He knew to trust Liv’s gut, but he was praying to god that she was wrong. He had no idea how he could possibly push through if he lost her too. She was what kept him sane. If Liv wasn’t there, it would just be him caring for Noah and Leo. His mind was racing a mile a minute, but he forced himself to breathe through the panic. Liv was already a mess, and he needed to be strong for her. He could see how terrified she was, and he was angry she hadn’t told him. He hated to see her so scared, but he didn’t like that she felt the need to keep it from him. She didn’t have to protect him. She needed his support. He took a step closer to her, and he could see her hands trembling. “Liv, honey,” he said softly, glad when her brown eyes met his green ones. He offered her a calming smile. “You need to go be checked out by a doctor.” She shook her head, eyes filling with tears once more. “Liv,” he sighed. 

“Rafa, I can’t,” she whispered. He knew she was scared, but denying it wasn’t going to change anything. He squatted down in front of her so they were eye to eye. 

“I know you’re scared,” he said softly. “I’m scared too, but pretending nothing is happening won’t make it go away.” 

“This isn’t fair,” she sobbed, and he took the mug from her hands, setting it somewhere safe before pulling her against his chest, hands forking through her hair once more. He was getting overwhelmed himself, the tears dripping down his cheeks. 

“It’s not,” he murmured. “You don’t  _ know _ that anything is wrong though Liv. You don’t know for sure.” She just shook her head, and he squeezed her a little tighter. “I’ll go with you.” She didn’t answer, so he backed off a little bit, gently rubbing circles across her back as he held her close. A knock on the door startled them both, and Rafael looked up, seeing Fin standing there. 

“You two okay in here?” he asked softly, and Rafael shook his head. 

“Liv needs to see a doctor,” Rafael replied. “She doesn’t want to.” Fin took a seat on Liv’s other side, sighing for a second before looking at Rafael. 

“Rafael, you think you could give us a couple minutes?” he asked. Rafael nodded, kissing Liv’s cheek before he let go of her. He left the room, shutting the door with a click. Sonny was sitting at his desk, looking worriedly at him. 

“I didn’t tell her you told me,” he said softly, hoping that reassured the detective. They both knew Liv was going to kill him if she found out. “Thank you for that.” 

“Of course,” Sonny said softly. “I was worried. Is she going to be alright?” 

“She doesn’t want to see a doctor, but she has to. She’s--We’re both worried it’s something serious,” Rafael finally said. “Fin is talking with her.” Rafael sighed heavily, scrubbing his hands across his face. How much could one man take? Had he done something to piss off some omnipotent force? Why couldn’t it be him instead of his family? He could feel himself shaking now as he tried to banish all trace of those thoughts. He had to keep hope that Liv would be fine because otherwise, he was going to lose all the progress he’d made. He would lose the will to live. The more he sat there and waited, the more he wanted to talk to her. He needed to make her understand that it was important. He stood up, going back to the office, and Fin was on his way out. He looked at Barba and shook his head slightly. Rafael took a calming breath before going in the office. “Look at me,” he said. “I am terrified, but the sooner we find out if anything is wrong, the sooner we can do something about it. If this is something bad, we need the opportunity to fight. I need you to fight for me.” Liv’s face crumbled, but she nodded this time. 

“Okay,” she finally whispered, and he sighed in relief. “At least now Fin doesn’t have to drag me to the doctor like he threatened,” Liv murmured, and Rafael chuckled softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He needed her to be okay. 

********

Rafael held tight to Liv’s hand. He wasn’t letting go until he absolutely had to. Liv was shaking, again, and he brought her knuckles up to his lips. “I love you,” he reminded her softly as they walked into the building. Sitting in the waiting room was torturous, and she was clinging to him as she waited for them to call her back. He was trying to encourage her the best he could, but he felt like he was going to fall apart at any second. 

“I parked the car close by,” Fin said, coming into the room and taking a seat beside them. He had graciously agreed to drive them incase they were too much of a mess to get home themselves afterwards. 

“Thank you Fin,” Rafael said softly. He filled out the check in paperwork, and Liv sat quietly beside him. 

“I don’t want to be here,” Liv whispered, and Rafael felt tears pricking his eyes. 

“I know you don’t,” he said softly. He didn’t know what to say besides that. Liv was convinced it was something terrible, and he didn’t know what he could possibly say to ease her fears. “It’ll be over soon.” She was quiet until a nurse called her name, and Rafael walked with her back toward the room. After they weighed her, the nurse seated them in the exam room, shutting the door. She took Liv’s vitals, and Liv described her symptoms. After she left, Liv got quiet once more. Rafael continued holding her hand, trying to be encouraging and strong, but they were both scared out of their minds. Rafael wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse when there was a knock at the door, signalling the arrival of the doctor. 

“Rafael, Olivia,” she said softly, reaching out to shake their hands. “What brings you two in a week early? I know we were looking at surrogacy again.” 

“I haven’t been feeling well,” Liv said softly. “I’m very concerned. At first, I thought it was just menopause, but I have a bad feeling.” 

“Can you tell me a little bit about your symptoms?” the doctor asked. 

“At first, I missed my period, and that’s when we called for the appointment. I started getting really sick, all the time, throwing up. I would have migraines. Recently, cramping. I’m exhausted,” Liv explained. 

“Well, those all sound like symptoms of menopause,” Dr. Miller said softly. “How long has this been going on?” 

“Weeks,” Liv admitted. 

“Okay, hop up on the exam table. I’m going to take a look at you if that’s alright,” she said, and Liv nodded, taking a seat. Dr. Miller started out by taking her vitals all over again. “How has your diet been?” she asked. 

“Not good. A lot of food makes me nauseous even looking at it,” Liv said softly. “I’ve barely been able to keep toast down.” Rafael didn’t like the face that Dr. Miller made. 

“Do you feel like you have to urinate more frequently?” she asked, and Liv nodded. The doctor paused. “Are you on birth control currently?” 

“No,” Liv said. 

“Do you use any sort of contraception?” Rafael frowned. He wasn’t sure where this conversation was going. Dr. Miller had been the one to tell them that Liv was not going to get pregnant again after she had Sebastian. 

“No, we don’t,” Rafael said. 

“I’m actually not sure that this is menopause. I want to order a few tests, see where we’re at. I know you said you’re worried about ovarian cancer or something more serious, and we will certainly test to rule that out. I don’t believe this is anything life threatening,” Dr. Miller said. She finished her exam of Liv, palpating her abdomen before leaving the room. When she returned, she had a nurse in tow. “Alright Olivia, we’re just going to run a few tests, see what’s going on. First, I want you to urinate in this cup. Ella will show you to the bathroom. Then we’re going to run some blood tests, and I want to get an ultrasound to take a look at your ovaries and your uterus to make sure everything is alright down there.” Rafael squeezed Liv’s shoulder. 

“I’ll be right here when you get back,” Rafael said softly, and she nodded. He was nervous as he waited for her to come back. He wasn’t sure what the doctor was thinking or what was going on, and he wanted Liv to be okay. He was terrified that they might get bad news. He wasn’t sure what the hell he would do. He was tapping his fingers on his thigh, anxiety overtaking him. He was trying to take deep breaths so his mind wouldn’t race so much. When she came back in the room, he forced a neutral expression onto his face. He patted her leg when she took a seat beside him. They were alone for a couple minutes, and he held her hand. “You okay?” he asked softly. She shrugged. 

“You?” she asked, and he shook his head.

“I’m nervous,” he admitted. “I’m not sure what they’re thinking.” 

“Raf, if the news is bad, I need you to promise me you’ll be okay,” Liv said. “Please, promise me.” His mouth opened and then shut. He wasn’t sure that he could promise that. He would be a wreck if something was really wrong with her. He couldn’t get her more worked up though. 

“I promise,” he finally whispered. They only waited another few minutes before Dr. Miller returned. 

“Can you get back up on the table for me? We’re going to draw some blood now,” she said, and Liv nodded, taking a seat on the table. Rafael watched as they took her blood, and when she winced, he had to tamp down on his worry. He knew she could handle a needle. They left her with a gown to change into for the ultrasound, and Rafael helped her change into it. She was settled on the table, and Rafael stood, holding her hand. When the doctor returned, she helped Liv get her feet in the stirrups. Rafael ran his hand down her arm, trying to distract her a little bit. She hadn’t enjoyed this when they had done it with Sebastian. The doctors always warned her it would be uncomfortable. “I’m just going to ease it in, try to relax.” Liv nodded, but she winced slightly. Rafael squeezed her hand. He wasn’t sure why they were keeping the screen turned away, and it was making his stomach flutter with nerves. “I have some good news. Your ovaries look completely clear. It looks like you two are expecting.” Rafael froze. He certainly hadn’t heard her right. He remembered sitting in her office, holding Liv’s hand as she cried after Dr. Miller told them they wouldn’t have any more kids naturally. He supposed they hadn’t ever said it was completely impossible but extremely unlikely. They had stressed how unlikely in fact, and he had walked away under the impression that the chance of her getting pregnant again was just above zero. Even then, it was dangerous after all the complications. 

“I don’t understand,” he said softly. “You-You said we--she couldn’t.” 

“I said it was unlikely,” Dr. Miller said softly. “There is a lot to talk about, but this is good. This accounts for your symptoms, so no cancer or menopause or anything like that. You’re having a baby.” When Rafael looked over to Liv, she had tears in her eyes, dripping down her cheeks, and he felt numb and frozen, unsure of how to react. It was like there was blood rushing through his ears, and his vision was starting to blur. He grabbed the table, steadying himself. “Would you like to see?” 

“Yes please,” Liv said, and he could hear the emotion in her voice. He blinked as she swiveled the screen around, and then he could see the baby, see the heartbeat. The doctor clicked a button, and the soft, steady sound made his heart flutter. Tears filled his eyes, starting to make their way down his cheeks, and he was breathing heavily. He glanced at Liv, and their eyes met briefly. “We’re having a baby,” she mouthed, and he nodded. He was feeling a bit lightheaded and dizzy. His vision was tunneling, and then the only thing he could see was the ceiling. His head hurt, and he felt exhausted, so he let his eyes slip shut. 

When he finally opened them again, he saw two blurry figures kneeling over him. “Rafael, hey,” the voice said softly. “Deep, deep breaths. You’re alright.” He blinked a few times, unsure of where he was for a couple moments until it all came crashing back. The hospital. Liv. A baby. His vision was swimming, and his temples were thudding. “It’s Dr. Miller, Rafael, can you sit up?” 

“I’m a little dizzy,” Rafael whispered. 

“How’s your head feel?” she asked. He swallowed heavily. 

“Hurts a little,” Rafael said softly. 

“You took quite the tumble. Can you tell me where you are?” she asked. 

“At the hospital,” he said softly. “It’s Monday.” 

“Good, how about your name?” she asked. 

“Rafael Barba,” he whispered. 

“Okay, let’s see if we can get you up in a chair. Do you think you can stand?” she asked, and he nodded. He grabbed at the nurse who helped him to stand, trying to keep his balance so he wouldn’t fall. As soon as he felt the edge of the chair against the backs of his thighs, he let himself collapse back heavily. 

“Rafa?” that was Liv’s voice. “Hey, breathe. Are you okay?” He forced himself to look at her despite the pounding headache that was making him dizzy. She looked so worried for him, and he hated himself for doing that to her. 

“All the attention was on you,” he whispered, forcing his lips to curl up into a soft smile. “I had to steal some back for myself. You know how terribly I need it.” She laughed softly, hand cupped over his cheek. “You should lay down. I’m fine. I just need some water.” 

“Would you guys like to see the ultrasound again?” Dr. Miller asked, and Rafael nodded despite the sudden rush of emotions he was feeling. He was happy, of course. A baby. Liv was pregnant. That was something he hadn’t ever thought would happen again after Sebastian. 

Sebastian. That was his hold up. When he thought about him, he could barely breathe. It was happy, but it wasn’t. The last time Liv had been pregnant, it was with Sebastian. The last time they had been in this position, it was with Sebastian. Now he was gone, and Liv was pregnant, and he didn’t know how to feel. When they swiveled the screen toward him again, he felt the emotions hitting him like a truck. He was so happy, so in love already. That was his child. That was how he felt everytime he looked at Leo and Sebastian, but there was something about seeing it for the first time, seeing its heartbeat. His heart was pounding in his chest, slamming against his rib cage as he tried to ignore the vague sense of panic. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered, and he looked to her, his eyes wide and full of tears. He forced a smile on to his face though, particularly for her sake. 

“We’re having a baby,” he whispered again. He had no idea how to feel or how to deal with his emotions. He felt shell shocked, numb, and he wanted to cry. When he stood up, he felt so shaky. 

“I need you both back here soon. Next week. I have a lot of things to talk with you about. For now, get a prenatal vitamin, you know the drill. Next week, okay?” she said, and he nodded. Liv grabbed for his hand, and he felt much better with her to hold onto. He forced himself to breathe. He needed to focus on Liv. He looped their arms together, trying to support her. He needed to make sure that everything was flawless because he couldn’t risk losing her. 

When they made it to the waiting room, Fin stood up, his eyes going wide when he saw them. Rafael knew they looked like wrecks, the both of them, eyes red with tears. He wanted to tell Fin that no, Liv technically wasn’t dying, and even though being pregnant may be a death sentence for her, this was happy, but he couldn’t make his voice work. Liv seemed to be having a similar issue, so they just followed Fin down to the car, and it wasn’t until they were buckled into the backseat that Rafael managed to force words from his mouth. “We’re having a baby.” That seemed to be all he could say anymore.

“What?” Fin whipped around, staring at them. 

“I’m pregnant,” Liv said softly. “Not dying.” The cynical voice in Rafael’s head disagreed with that statement. 

“Oh my God,” Fin said, smiling hugely, but Rafael could see the tears in his eyes. “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you Fin,” Rafael said softly. The reality of the situation felt like a cold bucket of ice water that was dumped on his head. The idea of having a baby was very different from the reality. He hadn’t expected it so suddenly or so soon. He thought he still had time to deal with the emotions that were threatening to tear him apart. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a baby, he wouldn’t have said yes to Liv if that was the case, but now they were pregnant, and they were going to have a baby. They would be focused on that rather than anything to do with Sebastian. Would Liv want to turn his room into the nursery? That wasn’t even considering the possible physical issues Liv might have. They could easily lose the baby at their ages. He could lose Liv which he couldn’t bear to think about. It was too much, so he looked out the window, trying desperately to calm down. He felt her soft hand reach for his own, intertwining their fingers. 

“Rafa, try to calm down,” Liv whispered. He cursed himself under his breath. She didn’t need to be worrying about him like this. “I know this is a lot, but please don’t faint again.” 

“You fainted, Barba?” Fin asked with a laugh. 

“He hit his head pretty hard,” Liv said, fingers brushing over the soft hairs at the nape of his neck. 

“I’m okay,” he whispered, wanting to appease her despite the fact that it was a lie. He was far from okay. He clutched for the tendrils of happiness that were rapidly retreating. The anxiety and fear were suffocating any joy that he wanted to feel. He wanted to be happy, to feel the way he’d felt about both Sebastian and Leo because this baby couldn’t help that its brother died. It couldn’t do a thing about it, and it deserved the same love that he gave each of his other children. Liv’s hand in his own was keeping him calmer though. He couldn’t let his anxiety run the table. “Liv,” he whispered. “I think I need to lay down when we get home.” 

“That’s what I thought,” Liv said softly. “I’ll get you some tylenol, and you should take it easy.” 

“ _ You _ should take it easy,” he said, shaking his head. 

“I texted Carisi, he’s going to come by to help out,” Liv said. “Just try to calm down. Don’t stress yourself out.” He nodded, trying to breathe. When they got home, he felt unsteady on his feet, so he asked Fin to walk with Liv. He took a few minutes to get past the dizziness once he stood up, and then he took a few cautious steps, going slow so he wouldn’t fall. He caught up to them at the elevator, and he leaned back against the wall, shutting his eyes. “I think you need Fin’s help more than I do,” Liv said softly. Rafael didn’t have an argument. He was in rough shape. Fin got him safely into the apartment, and Noah was sitting on the couch when they came inside. He looked worried when he saw Rafael. 

“Why are you guys home?” he asked. 

“I had a doctor’s appointment Noah,” Liv said. “Everything is fine.” 

“Why does Dad look like that?” he asked. 

“He fell and hit his head. He’s okay though,” Liv said, trying to be reassuring to their son. Noah didn’t need to be stressing out anymore than he already did. Noah looked from Liv to Rafael and back again. 

“You’re okay?” He was asking them both. “Promise?” 

“We’re fine, Noah. I promise,” Liv said. She went over to the couch, taking a seat beside their son, but Fin helped Rafael back to the bedroom so he could lay down. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the way his vision was swimming. 

“Jesus,” he groaned, throwing an arm over his face. 

“Usually I go by Liv, but that works too.” Her voice was teasing, and Rafael laughed despite himself. “Fin thinks you might have a concussion,” she said, taking a seat on the bed beside him. 

“No kidding,” Rafael whispered. Liv eased his head up, letting it rest in her lap, and she gently ran her fingers through his hair. 

“I think you need to take it easy tonight,” she said softly, and he wasn’t going to argue. 

“We need to talk,” he whispered. Liv just kept running her fingers through his hair. “Liv, I am terrified.” 

“I’m scared too Rafa,” she said softly. 

“I can’t lose you,” he murmured. “I don’t want to choose, but if we had to, I would choose you every time.” 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to choose me. I couldn’t do it. I would not be able to handle losing this baby, not after Sebastian.” Rafael turned his head, shifting onto his side so he could press his face against her shirt. She could feel him shaking, crying silently against her shirt, and she tried to comfort him. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I feel so fragile.” 

“We both know this is risky, but nothing has happened yet,” Liv murmured, rubbing his back. “Just because it might happen, doesn’t mean it will happen.” 

“I can’t raise our children by myself,” he said. “I can’t do it without you. I can’t breathe without you.” 

“Alright, I hear you,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around him. 

“I don’t know how to be happy about this,” he whispered. “I’m so scared and confused.” 

“I think this will take time Rafael. We have some time to figure it out. You have therapy in a few days, I think that will help. Maybe you can call George. Just because your feelings don’t make sense right now doesn’t mean you won’t be able to figure it out. We will figure it out,” Liv said, and Rafael shut his eyes. 

“What if we do have to pick?” he whispered. “What do we do then?” 

“Hope for a miracle,” Liv whispered. He was holding onto her tight like he thought she was going to disappear into thin air. “I’m here,” she promised. “I’m not going anywhere right now Rafael. I’m here.” He calmed down a little bit after that, going quiet as he laid in her arms. His hand was resting on her stomach, and she smiled as he gently slipped it under her shirt, feeling the slight bump. 

“You were gorgeous when you were pregnant with Sebastian,” he whispered. “You’re always gorgeous, but then, you were glowing.” 

“Even when I threw up all over you?” she asked with a laugh, and he snorted. 

“Even then,” he whispered. She continued to brush her fingers through the soft hairs at the nape of his neck, and he sighed softly, leaning into it. 

“I love you,” Liv whispered. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too, more than anything,” Rafael said. “That’s why I’m scared. I cannot lose you.” 

“I know,” Liv murmured. He hated that she didn’t have an answer. It was like a confirmation of his fears. She had no reassurances for him. He was trying not to let his fears continue to snowball. He took deep breaths, trying to calm down and not let it bother him so much. “Listen, it’s not time to panic. It’s time to relax. Close your eyes, try to get some sleep. I’m not going anywhere.” He squirmed around for a second, trying to shrug his jacket off without moving. He was still all dressed up from work, and his clothes felt heavy and restricting. “Rafa, sit up, let’s get you more comfortable,” she said, and he groaned, pushing himself up. He swayed around for a second. He felt Liv’s hands on his vest, unbuttoning it and pushing it off his shoulders. His fingers felt clumsy when he tried to undo the buttons on his shirt. Liv brushed his hands away. “I’ve got it. Let me.” She slipped buttons out of their holes for him, opening his dress shirt up and helping him out of it. He felt much better in just the light undershirt. “Lay back Rafa,” she said, and he flopped onto his back. Liv popped the button on his trousers, carefully pulling the zipper down, and he raised his hips for her so she could pull the pants down his legs. She had already helped him take his shoes off. He felt infinitely better with less clothes on. He scooted up the bed, leaning against the pillows, trying to reduce the pounding in his head. “I’ll be back,” Liv said softly, rubbing his back gently for a second before she left. He could hear her gagging and retching in the bathroom, and he wished he felt like he could get up to go be with her. She needed him. He put a hand on the bed, trying to push himself up, but it made his head hurt worse. He was seeing black spots dancing across his vision, so he let himself lay down again. 

It was a couple of long minutes before he heard Liv coming back in the room. “Are you okay?” he asked softly. 

“I’ll be fine,” she replied. He shoved himself over, rolling onto his other side, so he could pull Liv against his chest. He held her close, pressing his face against her hair. He didn’t know how much longer he might have to hold onto her, so for now, he wasn’t planning on letting go. 

******

Rafael felt foggy when he opened his eyes. The room seemed terribly bright, the light assaulting his brain. It made his head feel like it was thudding. He shut his eyes again for a second, hoping for some reprieve. His mouth felt thick like it was filled with cotton, and he didn’t feel capable of standing up. He eased himself onto his back, wishing he could sleep for the rest of eternity. Liv was asleep beside him, looking completely exhausted. He tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. Rafael leaned in, pressing his lips to her forehead. He loved her so much, it hurt. He wanted to go check on Noah and Leo, but he wasn’t sure getting up by himself was a very good idea. He hesitated, but after a moment, he pushed himself up to a sitting position, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and planting his feet on the floor. For the first time, he wished he might have listened to Liv and gotten full carpeting instead of the hardwood floor with a rug. He almost tripped, but he managed to stay upright as he walked out of the bedroom. He winced at the light as he went out to the areas with more windows. As he turned the corner into the living room, he saw Sonny sitting on the couch, Leo in his arms. Noah was sitting beside him, eating some popcorn. He looked up when he heard Rafael coming, and a big smile spread across his face. “Dad!” Noah exclaimed, and Rafael winced slightly. 

“Hey buddy,” he whispered. “Try and quiet down just a little bit please.” 

“Sorry,” Noah said. Rafael took a seat on the couch between Sonny and Noah. 

“It’s okay,” he said softly. He turned toward Sonny, reaching for Leo who crawled into his lap immediately. Rafael held him close, kissing the top of his head. 

“Hi Daddy,” Leo said. “See, it’s Charlie Brown.” He was pointing toward the tv, and Rafael smiled. Sonny must have brought his own movies because Rafael was pretty sure they didn’t have any Charlie Brown movies. Leo seemed very happy though. Rafael smoothed his hair down, holding him close, and he was content to sit in his father’s arms. If it was Sebastian, he would have been squirming all over the place unless he was sick. Leo was much more docile, and honestly it reminded him of Liv. She was so calming in every way, and that was the same vibe he got from Leo. Rafael rubbed his back, shutting his eyes for a second. 

“How are you feeling?” Sonny asked. “Fin said you hit your head pretty hard.” 

“Not the best,” Rafael said softly. 

“How’s Liv?” Rafael could hear the worry in Sonny’s voice, but he couldn’t tell him here, not now. It would have to wait until later when Liv was there. 

“She’s...sleeping,” Rafael said. He was going to say she was okay, but he couldn’t force it out of his mouth. He was afraid that she wasn’t going to be okay. Noah looked at him, his blue eyes wide. 

“Is Mommy okay?” He asked softly, and Rafael opened his mouth to say that she was, but he couldn’t say it. Noah’s eyes went wide and he started crying. 

“Noah—” he started to say, but Noah was already standing up. “Shit,” he whispered, handing Leo back to Sonny. He stood up too fast, swaying on his feet, trying to keep his balance. Noah was down the hall by the time he managed to clear his vision enough to walk. Rafael went after him, fighting with slight nausea and dizziness the whole way to Noah’s room. He opened the door, and Noah was sitting on his bed, knees drawn up to his chest, and Rafael could hear him sniffling. “Noah,” he said softly. 

“Is Mommy gonna die? Noah asked softly. Rafael took a seat on the edge of Noah’s bed. 

“Noah, come here,” Rafael whispered. Noah looked at him, sniffled, and then he finally started inching over towards his father. Rafael pulled him close, kissing the top of Noah’s head. “Mommy is okay. We’ll tell you if it’s time to be worried, okay?” 

“Promise?” He asked softly, and Rafael nodded. 

“I’ll tell you what, next week, you can come do your school work in my office all week if you want,” Rafael said softly, and Noah nodded, sniffling. He leaned his head against Rafael’s chest, and Rafael started smoothing his hand over Noah’s curls. “It’s all okay buddy. Nothing to worry about,” he whispered, hoping that he wouldn’t be wrong. He held Noah for a little bit, savoring the time with his son. Sometimes, the days Noah came to his office were the best. Noah would sit on the couch usually and do the book work that corresponded with the lessons he had gone over the day before. He was usually quiet and well behaved which allowed Rafael to do his own work. He enjoyed the company, and it was fun when he and Liv could go out to lunch with Noah as well. “I love you so much Noah,” he whispered. 

“I love you too Dad,” Noah replied. 

“You want to give me a hand back out to the living room?” Rafael asked, and Noah nodded, holding his hand and guiding him through the hallway. He was still a little shaky, but Noah’s help made it easier. He settled on the couch, and Sonny offered to get him some water which he gratefully accepted. He wanted some tylenol, but Sonny was having trouble finding it in the medicine cabinet, and Rafael didn’t feel like he could get up. He turned his attention to the tv briefly, but then he heard footsteps in the hallway. He looked over and saw Liv slowly coming down the hallway. She took a seat on the chair in the corner. “Hey,” Rafael said. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m honestly hungry,” she said softly, and that made him feel so much better. He knew she hadn’t been eating very much. He pushed himself up with a sigh. 

“What do you want? I’ll get it,” Rafael said. Liv shut her eyes for a second, thinking. 

“Ice cream,” she said, and he nodded thinking that was normal enough. “And pickles.” He stopped for a second, looking back to her for confirmation that she was serious. She looked completely serious. 

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” he asked softly, and her eyes narrowed into a glare. 

“Do I look like I’m kidding, Rafael?” she asked, her voice dangerous, and he gulped, shaking his head. 

“Okay,” he said, slowly heading toward the kitchen to get her food. The thought of it made him nauseous. 

“And, Rafa?” 

“Yes?” he asked. 

“I want some peanut butter too,” she called. 

“Sure thing!” he replied. He pulled the ice cream out of the freezer, scooping some into a bowl. He hoped they actually had pickles or someone was going to have to make a run to the grocery store. He was in luck though, they had a jar of pickles, and he put those in a separate bowl. After adding a few spoonfuls of peanut butter to the ice cream, he took it back out to Liv. She took it from him, and when he looked to Sonny, the detective looked amused. 

“Rafa, I want the pickles in the ice cream,” Liv said, and he swallowed back to bile that was rising in his throat. 

“No problem,” he whispered, trying not to lose his lunch. 

“Here, let me take care of it,” Sonny said, coming over and taking the bowls. 

“Noah,” Liv said softly. “Why don’t you and Leo go watch a movie in Mommy and Daddy’s room?” Noah looked at her for a second, eyes narrowing, but he finally nodded, helping Leo off the couch and holding his hand on the way down the hall. Rafael shut his eyes for a second before he went to check the cabinet for some tylenol. His head really was killing him. Sonny had been right though. There wasn’t any. 

“Liv?” he called, heading back toward the living room. “Where is the tylenol?” 

“In the bedroom,” she said. “On the nightstand. Is your head pretty bad?” 

“Yes,” Rafael said. “I feel very...fuzzy, and my head is pounding.” 

“Sit down. You need to rest. I’m going to get you some tylenol, and you just take it easy,” Liv said. He wanted to fight her on that, but he listened, sitting down on the couch and shutting his eyes. He was so exhausted. It was only a few moments before she returned, handing him two tablets. Liv sat beside him, pulling him over for a kiss. 

“Once you eat that monstrosity, I don’t think I’m going to be capable of kisses. I already feel like I’m going to throw up everywhere,” he whispered, and she laughed. 

“Gonna get me back?” she teased softly, and he snorted. He leaned his head against Liv’s chest, and she gently stroked his hair. “We have to tell Sonny now,” she said. 

“Okay,” he whispered. When Sonny came back, Rafael had to move away so he could keep himself from throwing up everywhere. 

“I’m sure you’ve guessed, but we have something to tell you Sonny,” Liv said. Sonny smiled. 

“I thought you said you couldn’t,” he whispered, a grin breaking out on his face. 

“Well, I guess things changed,” Liv said, the emotion evident in her voice. “But, I am very happy, scared, but happy.” 

“Now you know why I fainted,” Rafael said, and Sonny laughed. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking at Rafael with worry in his eyes. Rafael shrugged, trying not to upset Liv, but he didn’t feel okay. 

“There’s a lot going on here,” he said. “This pregnancy is very dangerous for Liv, and with everything that’s happened, I’m not sure I know how to be happy anymore.” Sonny looked at him for a few long minutes. 

“Do you want to go talk with Father Mike?” he offered. Rafael shrugged. He wasn’t sure he was feeling up to going anywhere. It had really helped him before though. 

“I can handle the boys for a few hours,” Liv said softly. 

“Are you sure?” Rafael asked, and she nodded. 

“I guess, Carisi,” he said softly. Sonny smiled at him. 

“I’ll get your shoes,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded, trying to pull his energy together enough to get up. Sonny brought back a pair of flip flops and Rafael made a bit of a face. It was easier than tying shoes though. 

“Uh, can you get me some pants?” He asked softly. “And a polo maybe. I’m not going to church in my underwear.” Sonny laughed softly before disappearing back down the hallway. Rafael had to grab his shoulder when he was putting the shorts on so he wouldn’t lose his balance. He got into his shirt then, and Sonny helped him toward the door. He stopped, leaning down to press a kiss to Liv’s forehead. 

“I don’t get a real kiss?” she asked, and he shook his head. 

“Not when you’re eating that,” he whispered. “I’ll see you later.” 

“I love you,” Liv said. “Take it easy. Keep an eye on him Carisi.” 

“I’ll be careful,” Rafael said before he followed Sonny out the door. 

******

Rafael hesitated when he got out of the car. He felt a sudden wave of nausea washing over him. He had to pause a second before he started toward the door. Sonny was right behind him, making sure he didn’t lose his balance. He was feeling a little bit better in that department though. The tylenol had helped his headache, and he was taking careful steps, trying to stay on flat ground and avoid any bumps or dips. He opened the door to the church, taking a step inside. It was quiet like most times he came during the week. Father Mike spotted him almost immediately when he took a seat in the pews, and Sonny gave them some privacy. “Rafael, how are you?” Father Mike asked softly, taking a seat beside him. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. 

“You look troubled, worse than I’ve seen you in months,” Father Mike said softly. Rafael ran a hand through his messy hair. 

“Today has been a lot,” he whispered. “Liv is pregnant.” Father Mike was quiet for a few moments, and Rafael hated himself for not being happy. 

“How do you feel about that?” Father Mike asked. Rafael shifted around uncomfortably, clenching his fists. 

“I want to be happy,” he said. “I’m just not sure. Not after Sebastian. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around having another baby, and this pregnancy is very risky for Liv. She wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant again after Sebastian. The doctors warned us it wasn’t safe.” 

“Are you scared?” Father Mike asked. Rafael nodded. “You should take a few deep breaths.” Rafael did as he said, pulling the air through his nose and letting it out of his mouth. “Have you thought that maybe this is what is supposed to happen?” 

“Liv is supposed to die?” he asked softly, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. 

“No, of course not, but perhaps this baby is a gift, Rafael. A gift from Sebastian,” Father Mike said softly. Rafael sniffled, looking up to the priest. 

“A gift?” he asked softly. 

“A gift from your son. This baby and Liv, both will have a very special angel watching over them. Have faith, Rafael. Don’t assume the worst,” Father Mike told him. Rafael swallowed heavily. 

“Do you really think so?” Rafael asked softly. 

“That’s what I believe,” Father Mike said. “You’ve been through a great tragedy, but the lord will not give you more than you can handle.” Rafael sniffled, wiping at his eyes. 

“I need her to be okay,” he whispered. “I can’t raise a family on my own.” 

“If it would come to that, you would have support, Rafael,” Father Mike promised. Rafael sniffled, wiping at his eyes. He hadn’t thought about the baby like a gift from Sebastian, but that brought a warm feeling to his chest. He was grateful to Father Mike for suggesting it. Thinking about his baby watching over them, comforting them like this, it brought him peace. If it truly was from Sebastian, Liv would be alright. It gave him something to hold onto, to hope for, something in which he could place his faith. 

“Thank you Father, I don’t know what I would do without your help,” he said softly, and Father Mike put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. 

“You know my door is always open,” he said softly, and Rafael nodded gratefully.

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered. After the Father left, Rafael pushed himself up to his feet, wiping his face. He went to find Sonny, and they both went out to the car. 

“Do you feel any better?” Sonny asked. 

“I do,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’re not feeling overwhelmed or like you may want to hurt yourself?” Sonny asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“This is all a lot,” he said softly. “I want to live though. I want to be with my family.” 

“Good, I just had to check,” Sonny said. 

“I want to be happy about this, really, I do,” Rafael said. “I just don’t completely know how. I still feel like...like it’s not right. I thought it would feel different, but I’m scared. I’m scared about Liv, scared about how I’ll feel when the baby is born, if the baby is born. What if--what if Liv has a miscarriage? I don’t know if we could handle that.” 

“Be happy while you can,” Sonny said softly. “Love this baby and Olivia as hard as you can while you have them because the rest of it is out of your hands.” Rafael knew time wasn’t guaranteed, but he had always pictured himself growing old with Liv. it was all he wanted. He wanted to see their children grow up, become responsible adults. He wanted them to have children or to get married. He wanted them to be happy. 

“You’re right,” he whispered. “I have to try.” 

*******

When Rafael opened the door, he couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across his face. Liv was laying on the couch with their sons, asleep, the credits rolling on the tv. Ketchup was curled up beside them. He smiled, heading over to them, tucking a few strands of hair behind Liv’s ear. She looked so tired. He picked Leo up first, grunting and fighting some dizziness. “Sonny,” he said softly. “Can you grab Noah?” Sonny nodded, coming over to the couch and picking Noah up. Rafael got Leo settled into his bed, and when he went to check on Noah, Ketchup was curling up at the foot of the bed where Noah was sleeping soundly. Rafael kissed his forehead before turning the lights out and shutting the door. When he went back out to the couch, he hesitated. He could wake Liv up, but he didn’t really want to do that. She needed the sleep. Instead, he turned the tv off, putting one arm under her legs and the other under her torso, hand splayed over her side. He hoisted her up into his arms, carrying her back toward the bedroom. In his weakened state, she felt heavy, and he was straining which was making him dizzier by the minute. He almost fell in the hallway, but he managed to get her into bed safe and sound. He tucked her in before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, trying to regain his bearings. He needed to rest. He could barely see straight after doing that. He finally managed to relax enough that he could see again, so he stood up slowly, shutting the lights off and closing the door. He walked to Sebastian’s room, taking a seat on the bed. He picked up Davey from his spot on top of the covers, holding him close. Davey felt like a connection that he still had with his son. Rafael looked up to the ceiling, fighting a fresh wave of tears. “Is this you?” he asked softly, wishing he could get an answer, wishing he might hear his son’s soft voice one more time. “Did you give this to us?” He sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “I miss you Seb. Mommy misses you. I couldn’t ever forget you, and I promise that I’m going to make sure you’re not forgotten. I’m going to do everything I can. No matter what, this baby is not replacing you.” He knew he was talking to thin air, but he wanted to believe that Sebastian could hear him. He wanted to believe that Sebastian sent them this baby becase then maybe he could stop feeling so guilty. He felt like he was moving on far too soon, and he never wanted to move on. He never wanted to forget or to let go. 

When he closed his eyes, he could still see his baby boy laying on the table in the morgue, hair damp, white as a ghost. He could still feel his ice cold skin against his lips, against his hands. He could hear Liv’s sobs as she broke down beside him. He could feel the blood underneath his hands as he sat huddled in the classroom, he could see the terror in Brody’s eyes as he talked about the gunman. He always wanted to remember it as vividly as the day it happened because otherwise he might forget. Sebastian’s death would mean nothing then. Rafael ran a hand over his face tiredly, pulling his phone out. It was getting late, but he knew Huang would answer. He dialed his number, waiting as it rang. 

“Rafael? Is everything okay?” George asked, sounding drowsy. Rafael was sure he had woken the man. 

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” he said softly. 

“Don’t worry about it, tell me what’s going on,” George said evenly, and Rafael took a deep breath. 

“Liv is pregnant,” he said softly. “I’m freaking out a little bit.” 

“Okay Rafael, deep breaths,” George said, and Rafael closed his eyes doing as the psychiatrist said. He took deep breaths, breathing the air in his nose and then out his mouth. “Good, can you tell me what exactly is bothering you?” 

“She’s in danger,” he said softly. “This pregnancy is dangerous, and we could lose the baby. I still feel like I’m  moving on from Sebastian too early. I don’t know what to do George.” 

“Alright, Rafael, try to calm down. One thing at a time. Talk to me about how the pregnancy is dangerous,” George said. 

“After we had Sebastian, Liv had complications. Serious complications, and I almost lost her then. The doctors told us she probably wouldn’t ever get pregnant again, not without the help of a surrogate, and if she did, it would be dangerous,” Rafael explained. “But now she’s pregnant, and I don’t know what to do.” 

“You’re catastrophizing, Rafael. You don’t know that anything will happen to her. Have the two of you discussed this?” he asked. 

“She wants to keep the baby no matter what, and I don’t disagree. I just--I don’t think I could handle another loss. Definitely not losing Liv,” Rafael said. 

“When you go to the doctors next, try speaking with them, ask them what they think you should do. There is nothing you can do about this. It’s out of your hands, Rafael,” George said. “Now, what were you saying about Sebastian?” 

“It’s just...how can we have a baby so soon? I thought I would have a little more time. I feel like I’m moving on too soon,” he whispered. 

“Just because you’re having another baby doesn't mean you’re moving on from Sebastian,” George said. “You don’t want to forget him. That has terrified you from the beginning. Talk about him. Don’t keep it buried inside. Keep up the pictures of him. Do what you need to do to remember him. You can do both.” 

“You really think so?” Rafael asked softly. 

“I know you can, Rafael. How are you feeling?” George asked. 

“Sick to my stomach,” Rafael said. 

“Are you feeling particularly anxious or suicidal?” George said gently. 

“No,” Rafael whispered. “I’m scared, but I’ve been doing well with the dark thoughts.” 

“I’m going to call you tomorrow. Just to check in, okay?” he asked. 

“Okay,” Rafael agreed. 

“Get some sleep,” George said gently, and Rafael sighed, hanging up and laying back on  the bed. He rested for a couple minutes before he pushed himself up to his feet, making Sebastian’s bed. He kept Davey though. He passed the living room where Sonny was setting up on the couch. He was so grateful to the detective. He wasn’t sure where they would be without him. Rafael took more tylenol before brushing his teeth and crawling into bed with Liv. He turned onto his side, turning the lights out and holding onto Davey. He prayed that they could figure everything out before his life was in so many pieces, he’d never be able to put it back together. 

******

Rafael was sitting in Sonny’s car, waiting for it to be closer to the time of the doctor's appointment. They were so early, and he knew it was because he was nervous. Liv was sitting beside him, scrolling through work emails. He was squirming with anxiety. “So, I uh--I called those senators you mentioned,” Sonny said. Rafael looked up. He wanted to get involved and make a difference somehow. He wanted to make changes so no little kid ever had to experience the terror his sons had. He wanted no more parents mourning the loss of children murdered by gunfire. He knew it was ambitious, and he knew many before him had failed, but he would hate himself if he didn’t try. 

“And?” he asked softly. 

“They want to meet with you, especially Senator Ramirez,” Sonny said. “Do you have any ideas?” 

“I do,” Rafael whispered. “The gunman, everyone I’ve talked to said he was unstable, that they could see he was unstable, but no matter how many times the administration tried to deal with it, nothing happened. People knew he was a ticking time bomb, and they couldn’t do anything about it. I want to get the red flag gun law through. This could have been avoided Carisi.” 

“Can we not talk about this?” Liv said softly, and Rafael sighed, looking down at his hands. Liv hadn’t come around to his plans yet, and he was trying to give her the time she needed. He wasn’t sure if thinking about it was upsetting because Sebastian’s death had been avoidable, or if simply talking about his death was hard for her. It made Rafael feel better. 

“Sorry,” he said softly. 

“Let’s just go inside,” Liv whispered, sounding irritated, and he wasn’t entirely sure why she was so upset and annoyed with him. 

“Okay,” he whispered after a second, getting out of the car and rounding it so he could help her. She shrugged him off though, and he sighed. He was feeling a bit better himself. The dizziness had thankfully gone away. He was mostly dealing with headaches still, but they were thankfully starting to improve. Liv walked quickly, and he had to increase his pace to catch up. He grimaced. They walked in the building, and Rafael was going to check her in, but she waved him off and did it herself. He sat down then, and she was quiet when she took a seat beside him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered softly, wishing she wasn’t angry with him. 

“It’s not your fault,” she whispered before bursting into tears, and he pulled her into his arms. “This is all so overwhelming.” The hormones. He couldn’t take her outbursts so seriously. He rubbed soft circles on her back, whispering softly to her. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m right here. Everything is going to be okay.” 

“Rafa, babe, I’m sorry,” she sobbed, and he shook his head, hand smoothing over the back of her head. 

“Honey, it’s okay. After this, I’ll take you home, and you can take a nice bath. You can relax,” Rafael said softly. 

“What if it’s bad?” she whispered, and he shook his head. 

“Don’t think like that. It’ll all be alright,” he promised. He honestly had no way of knowing, but if it made her feel better, it was worth the little white lie. She fisted her hands in his shirt, pressing her face against his shoulder, and he was holding back tears of his own. It was all so complicated, but they were going to have to figure it out together. “Shh, it’s alright,” he murmured. She thankfully started to calm down, and when the nurse called them back, he helped her up, holding her hand as they walked back. Sonny was going to wait around for them in the waiting room. They measured Liv’s height and took her weight before they made it back to an exam room. Liv took a seat in the chair beside him, and they took her vitals. Rafael felt anxious, like his heart was going to explode. It was slamming against his chest. 

“Dr. Miller will be in soon. Until then, just sit tight,” the nurse said, and Liv gulped. Rafael squeezed her hand gently. 

“How’s your head feeling?” Liv asked softly. 

“Better. I think I can go back to work tomorrow,” Rafael said. 

“Good,” Liv whispered. “I’m glad.” She was shaking, and he wished there was more he could say to calm her down. It was only a few minutes before there was a knock on the door, and Rafael had to swallow back all his worries. 

“Olivia, Rafael, how are you today?” she asked. 

“Alright,” Liv answered. 

“How has the nausea been?” the doctor asked. 

“The same,” Liv replied. “It was bad when I had Sebastian as well.” 

“We have a lot to talk about,” Dr. Miller said, and Rafael had a bad feeling at the pit of his stomach. “As I’m sure you’re aware, being over fourty when pregnant brings extra risks, but usually a healthy pregnancy can occur with close observation. However, I am concerned about your past complications. There was heavy bleeding after you had Sebastian, and we had to keep you in the hospital extra days. There is a good chance you could have the same or worse issues with this pregnancy.” 

“What does that mean?” Rafael asked softly. 

“I’m going to have to recommend termination. There is heavy risk for both you and the child. Risk of genetic issues, risk of death. You are more likely to have a miscarriage.” Rafael felt like his heart had been torn from his chest. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t a fair decision to ask of them. 

“We’re not interested,” Liv’s voice was firm, and she managed to speak before he could even collect his thoughts enough to look at her. 

“Mrs. Benson,” the doctor started, but Rafael stepped in. 

“Lieutenant,” he whispered. Liv almost never corrected people, but he hated hearing them get it wrong. She had earned her title. 

“Lieutenant Benson, listen, I know this is hard, it’s not what you want to hear, but I cannot stress to you enough how dangerous this is. You would be risking your own life if you continue this pregnancy,” Dr. Miller said. Rafael felt the burn of tears, and he didn’t even try to hold them back. They spilled down his cheeks as he held tight to Liv’s hand. 

“You don’t know anything,” Liv whispered. “We’ve already lost a child, so excuse me if I don’t want to lose another. You’re asking us to kill the one happy thing that has happened this year so no. I won’t.” 

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Rafael whispered. “Jesus.” 

“Would you two like a moment?” Dr. Miller asked. “To talk?” 

Rafael was fed up. Liv had made her decision very clear, and even if it made him feel ill when he thought about the possibility of losing the love of his life, he was going to back her up. “We want this baby,” he said firmly. “We’ll do whatever it takes.” 

“Very well then,” she said. “Can you get up on the table for me?” Liv wiped at her eyes before climbing up. Rafael stood, taking her hand. “I am going to recommend every genetic test, including an amnio. You are going to have to focus on eating a balanced diet, exercising enough, and you have to take it easy. I know your job is stressful, but this is fragile.” Liv looked to Rafael, and he had no idea what to say. This was all new. There had been a few genetic tests with Sebastian, but not nearly this early, and they had turned down the amnio. “We can talk about scheduling those later. I’m going to start with blood tests, a pelvic exam, and then we’ll do another ultrasound. You’re going to be in here every few weeks for a check up. There’s a risk for preterm labor, low birth weight, gestational diabetes, placenta previa, and down’s syndrome. I will do everything I can, but we may reach a point where tough decisions need to be made. You both have a lot to think about.” She got Liv a gown, and left to give her some privacy to change. 

“Liv,” Rafael whispered. “Are you okay?” 

“No,” she whispered, toying with the button to her jeans. 

“What do you think about the genetic tests? An amnio?” he asked softly. She sniffled. 

“You really want this baby?” she asked, and he looked up, swallowing heavily. 

“Of course I do,” he said. “Let me tell you what Father Mike said. He told me that he believes this baby is a gift from Sebastian.” He was tearing up as he spoke, the words choking him. He tried desperately to hold back the sobs that were threatening to tear their way from his chest. “He said that Sebastian will be watching over him and you, and I think he’s right.” Liv shut her eyes, leaning her face against his shirt, and he kissed the top of her head as she fell apart on him. “We’re going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. Worry about what you need, not me.” He knew Liv was thinking about him, about what would happen if she died, but he knew if they terminated the pregnancy, she wouldn’t recover. He couldn’t ask her to do that. He didn’t want to ask her to do that. He wasn’t lying when he said he wanted the baby. He had been thinking a lot about it. He would somehow have to find a way to pull himself together if it came down to that. He didn’t want to think about it now though. He helped Liv change into the gown, and then she was seated again, laying back. Rafael held her hand during the pap smear and the pelvic exam. The nurses took her blood, and then they had to make some decisions. 

“Your current weight looks good. Make sure you eat healthy, exercise. The blood work should be back in a few days. I want to schedule an amnio first and foremost. There are a few other tests that should be done as well,” Dr. Miller said. 

“Can we decide after the ultrasound?” Liv asked softly, and the doctor nodded. 

“I’ll get you guys a physical copy this time,” she said softly, smiling at them. The nurses wheeled in the machine, and Liv grimaced slightly. Rafael knew she would probably be sore after this. He squeezed her hand once more, rubbing her arm as she grimaced again. “Okay, I’m just going to shift this around.” The doctor flipped the screen so they could see it, and it was only moments before the heartbeat sounded out in the room. Rafael felt tears pricking his eyes, and he let them fall. The doctor zoomed in a little bit, showing them how big the baby was. After asking Liv when her last period was, the doctor smiled. “Looks like the baby is about eleven weeks. The size looks great. Everything looks normal.” That was a relief to hear. It was like a weight lifted off his shoulders. He and Liv needed to believe that this would be okay. 

*******

Rafael was sitting on the couch, helping Noah with his math homework and watching tv with Leo. Ketchup was curled up in his lap, shedding all over his clothes, but Rafael didn’t care. He showed Noah how to do a problem, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. He moved Ketchup over so he would sit with Noah and stood up, brushing the hair from his pants. Rafael walked to the door reaching out and turning the doorknob. He was surprised when he opened it to see Rita standing on the other side, waiting for him. “Rafael, hey. I thought maybe I would stop by and say hello to the boys. It’s been awhile,” she said. Rafael nodded, stepping aside to let her in the door. 

“Do you want some wine? Or coffee maybe?” he asked, leading her in so she could take a seat on the couch. 

“Coffee,” she said softly. “Thanks.” Rafael went to the kitchen, pouring her a mug of coffee and adding sugar and cream. He knew what she took in her coffee. It had been the same since college. When he came back, Leo had settled on her lap, and he was chattering away. Rafael couldn’t help but smile. He sat down beside her, handing the mug over. “So, where’s Liv?” she asked softly. 

“Asleep,” Rafael said. 

“Mommy is sick,” Leo said, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. Leo was more observant than he realized. 

“Is she alright?” Rita asked softly. 

“She keeps going to the doctor,” Noah whispered pointedly, glaring at Rafael for a second. 

“Noah,” he hissed. Rita eyed him. She knew something was up, and now he basically had to tell her. He comforted himself with that fact that he probably would have told her anyways sometime very soon. “Side bar?” He asked, slightly jerking his head toward the hallway where they could get some privacy. He would take her into Sebastian’s room, but he didn’t want to push that on her without warning. She set her mug down on the table, gently transferring Leo to the couch before following him out the door. He could feel Noah’s glare, but he ignored it. They weren’t going to tell him until things were more concrete. They were trying to protect him. 

“What’s going on?” She asked softly. “Is Liv alright? Do you guys need help?” 

“No, no, Liv is okay,” he said softly. “She’s just pregnant.” It took a moment for that to sink in and Rita’s eyes filled with tears. Rafael pulled her in for a hug, and she threw her arms around him. “I didn’t think she could, but somehow….somehow we’re having a baby.” 

“Oh Rafael, that’s amazing,” she whispered. 

“It’s a miracle,” he said softly. “I just don’t know how it will go. It’s very high risk.” 

“If you need anything, you know you can call me,” Rita said softly, and he nodded. They went back inside then, and he was going to sit down, but Noah was shooting him dirty looks. 

“Do you want to see Sebastian’s room?” He asked softly, looking at Rita. He found it comforting to go in there and see his son’s things. It hurt, but they were things to remember him by. She took a deep breath, but nodded, bringing her mug along this time. He paused at the door, glancing at her, but there was no hesitation in her eyes. She had a set, determined look that he was used to seeing. Rafael turned the doorknob, opening the door and letting her enter first. He still hadn’t touched a thing in there, and he wasn’t planning on it. He wanted to keep Sebastian’s room the way it was. Rafael took a seat on the bed, grabbing Davey, holding the teddy bear in his hands. Even that simple gesture helped. Rita walked around, looking at things, touching them, and when she turned to look at him, she had a sad smile on her face, eyes glistening with tears. “I miss him everyday,” Rafael whispered. “Sometimes I come in here in the morning, and I just think about him. I think about things he said or things he did. He always made me smile.” 

“He was a funny kid,” Rita said softly, coming to sit beside him. 

“You know when you took him out for ice cream last year?” Rafael asked, and Rita nodded. “He would not stop talking about it for days. He was so happy when he got home. He really loved you a lot. He always liked the presents you sent for his birthday and Christmas. Somehow you usually managed to outdo me.” 

“I’ve always been able to outdo you,” Rita teased, but he could hear the emotion in her voice. 

“Except when I convinced Adam Cain to choke me with a belt,” Rafael teased, and Rita laughed softly, wiping at her eyes. 

“I never did manage to get you back for that one,” she whispered. Rafael pulled his legs up onto the bed, looking down to the teddy bear in his hands. 

“I wouldn’t give up any of it even if it meant less pain. Being his father is something I’ll never stop being proud of. I am proud of him,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’ll always be his Dad,” Rita whispered, and Rafael smiled softly, sniffling and wiping at his eyes. Sebastian would always be his baby, and as long as he worked to keep his memory alive, he would still be there in Rafael’s heart. 

“Having another baby is hard,” he admitted. “It’s hard to not feel like we’re replacing him. I know we aren’t. Liv and I have talked about it, but I miss him, and it’s so soon.” Rita reached over and squeezed his hand.

“Is Liv happy?” she asked. 

“Yeah, I think she’s really happy. She’s stressed out, and I feel like she might bite my head off at some point, but she was the one who suggested it,” he said. “I think she’s having some of the same struggles I am. I don’t know. It’s been hard to get a moment to really talk about it a lot.” 

“Tell her I said hi,” Rita said softly. 

“I will, really, thanks for coming by,” Rafael said. 

“I’m glad I could catch up with Leo and Noah for a little bit,” she said. Rafael was glad too. He walked Rita to the door, letting her out. Her visit put him more at ease. 

********

Rafael knocked on the door to Liv’s office. He waited a minute where there was no answer before he knocked again. “Come in!” Her voice sounded annoyed, and he took a deep breath, preparing himself. He opened the door, but he stopped before fully entering the room. Liv was bent over her desk, typing something. He stood there for a few moments, admiring her, but when she lifted her head up and met his eyes, she did not look happy. “Are you just going to sit there and stare?” she asked, the annoyance clear in her voice. He swallowed, taking a step closer to her. 

“We’re supposed to go to lunch,” he said softly. “With my Mother.” 

“I don’t have amnesia, Rafael, you told me three times this morning,” she said. He toyed with his phone for a second, waiting for her to get up. “I’m trying to finish this. You’re going to have to wait a couple minutes.” 

“Okay,” he said softly, not wanted to provoke her any further. He took a seat on the couch, checking his email. He was trying not to let himself be upset by her words. He knew she didn’t mean them. It took her a couple minutes before she looked up again. 

“I’ll be done soon.” This time, her voice was more gentle, and he knew she was trying to apologize. 

“Um, Liv.” They both looked up this time to see Amanda poking her head in the door. “I finished the paperwork for Carisi’s last collar.” 

“Just put it on my desk,” Liv said, covering her eyes. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” She dropped her hand. “Shut the door.” Amanda hesitated a second but did as Liv asked. “I might be out of work unexpectedly, and I need you and Carisi to do your best to make this very easy for Fin.” 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Amanda asked softly. 

“No, we actually found out some good news,” Liv said, glancing at Rafael. He smiled. “We’re having a baby.” Amanda stared at her for a second before a smile spread across her face. 

“That’s wonderful,” she said. “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said. “Just do me a favor and try to just do whatever you can to help out around here.” 

“Of course,” she said. Rafael smiled. He just hoped they wouldn’t have to go around and tell people bad new any time soon. Liv looked more at ease after Amanda left, and he smiled at her. “I think I’m ready to go,” she said, standing up with a sigh. Rafael went over, taking her hand. 

“Let’s go, my Mom is gonna meet us there,” he said. Liv walked with him to the elevator, and she was quiet on the ride down, but she didn’t seem as annoyed. 

“I’m sorry I keep yelling at you,” she said softly once they were in the car. 

“It’s okay, I know you don’t mean it,” he replied. “Mom is going to freak out when we tell her.” 

“Yeah, I know. She’s going to be happy though,” Liv said, and he nodded. He couldn’t deny that. His mother was going to be ecstatic. She had been ecstatic for both Sebastian and Leo. She drove in silence then, and he looked out the window. She pulled into the restaurant, and they walked in together. His mother already had a table, and she was waiting for them. 

“Rafi, Liv,” she said, standing up and pulling Liv into a hug and then him. “How are you guys doing?” 

“Well, thanks,” Rafael said, taking a seat. “Thanks for helping Noah out last week.” 

“Oh, of course. I’ll have to drop by again soon to check some of his work. Have you filled out the quarterly report?” Lucia asked. 

“Yeah, I did,” Rafael said. “He’s doing well. A lot better than before. The therapy is really helping him. He doesn’t sleep in our bed as much, but he has awful nightmares still. I sit up with him at night sometimes.” She sighed. 

“At least Leo is unscathed,” Lucia said. 

“He’s doing well,” Rafael said. 

“So, wine? I think I’d like a glass,” Lucia said. Liv peeked at Rafael, a soft smile spreading across her face. He nodded. 

“Actually, I won’t be drinking,” Liv said. “We found out some good news.” Lucia looked at her for a moment. 

“Oh my God,” she said. “You’re having a baby?” Rafael nodded. 

“Si Mami, we just found out,” he said. He could see she was crying already. 

“This is so good,” she said. “I am so happy for you.” She looked at them for a second before looking down and continuing to cry. She hadn’t gotten much of a chance to mourn Sebastian. She spent most of her time holding them up. Rafael got up, squatting down beside her, a hand on her back. She leaned into him, against his chest, and he held her. 

“Oh Rafi, I’m happy, really,” she said.

“I know you are. Trust me,” he said softly. “It’s just hard.” 

“He was such a good little boy. I miss him,” Lucia said softly. 

“Me too, I miss him so much,” Rafael whispered. “But it’s okay. He’s okay now.” She nodded, wiping her eyes. 

“I’m so happy,” she said. He smiled as he sat back down. 

“How about you two get some champagne. I don’t mind,” Liv said. “I’m just going to drink water.” 

“Are you sure?” Rafael asked, and she nodded. “Alright, champagne it is,” he said, leaning over to kiss her cheek. He felt like Sebastian was watching over them. He couldn’t get what Father Mike said out of his head, and the more he thought about it, the more he believed it. 

******

Rafael was fast asleep when Liv’s phone started blowing up in the middle of the night. He rolled over at first, expecting her to answer it and come back to bed, but something in the tone of her voice told him she was leaving. He sat up, putting a hand on her shoulder as she talked to Carisi. He was going to kill Sonny for this even though he technically knew it wasn’t the detective’s fault. “Liv,” he said softly when she hung up. “Fin can probably handle it.” 

“I’m not leaving Fin to handle my job,” she said, starting to stand up. Rafael sighed, but he didn’t want to say more and risk upsetting her. 

“Please be safe,” he whispered. He said that to her everyday. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow probably,” she said softly, leaning down for a kiss. He pulled her back in for a second one before he finally let go. 

“I’m serious Liv,” he said softly. 

“I know,” she whispered, squeezing his hand. “I’ll come to your office at eight-thirty. You can bring me breakfast.” 

“Okay,” he conceded. “I’ll see you then. I love you.” 

“I love you too Rafa. It’s going to be alright,” Liv said softly. He couldn’t sleep after she left. He laid awake, his mind racing as he tried to convince himself she would be fine. He wanted her to be resting, to take it easy. She was already so tired, and the doctor had said she needed to relax. He was concerned, but there wasn’t really much he could do. He couldn’t help his worry though. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about every time he had to say goodbye to her and know she was putting herself directly in danger. It tore him apart inside, but he hadn’t ever been this concerned. Sebastian made him overprotective. He was constantly imagining the worst case scenario. If anything happened to her, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to contain himself. He laid there, arm thrown across his chest, trying to stay calm, but he could feel his heart beating rapidly. It was slamming into his chest, and he shut his eyes, taking deep breaths. A knock on the door startled him, and he glanced at the clock. It was still early, too early for the boys to be up for the morning. The door creaked open, and he saw Noah’s curls first. 

“Dad?” he asked softly. “Can I sleep in here?” 

“Come here,” Rafael said softly, worry clouding his voice. He sat up, turning on a lamp beside the bed. He could see the tear streaks on Noah’s face. Noah sat on the edge of the bed, and Rafael pulled him closer. “What’s wrong buddy?” he asked softly. 

“I had a bad dream, and I’m scared,” Noah whispered. Rafael wasn’t surprised about the dream, but Noah had been doing better and better with staying in his own room. Noah would tell him when he was ready though, so Rafael pulled the blankets back on Liv’s side of the bed. 

“Here, come on,” Rafael said softly. 

“Where’s Mommy?” Noah asked. 

“At work, she had to go,” Rafael said. Noah nodded, climbing under the covers, holding tight to Eddie in his arms. Rafael didn’t see Eddie so much anymore, but it brought on a pang of nostalgia. There had been a day when he couldn’t separate the two, almost like Sebastian and Davey. “Where’s Ketchup?” Rafael asked softly. 

“He’s sleeping,” Noah whispered. Rafael nodded, wrapping an arm around Noah who cuddled up against him, laying his head on Rafael’s chest. Rafael stroked his hair, hoping he might fall asleep soon so he would feel better. 

“How about you take a break from school tomorrow?” Rafael asked softly. Noah had been doing so well. He didn’t see a problem with taking one day off. Noah nodded, sniffling, and Rafael squeezed him gently. “Do you want to watch anything?” he asked. Noah shook his head. He turned his head, tears soaking into Rafael’s tee shirt. 

“I’m sorry, Dad,” he whispered. 

“Shh, no, there’s nothing to apologize for,” Rafael said. 

“I’m keeping you awake,” Noah whispered. 

“I was already up little man,” Rafael whispered. Noah shut his eyes, but Rafael could feel the tension in his little body. 

“Will you sing me that song?” Noah asked softly. 

“Which one?” Rafael asked. 

“The one you sang when I couldn’t sleep,” Noah said. Rafael smiled, stroking Noah’s hair again as he started singing once more. It was a song his mother used to sing him, soft soothing spanish words, and he loved that Noah liked it. Sebastian had picked Spanish up better than Noah having heard it from birth, but Noah was getting the hang of it. Rafael heard him saying things off handed here and there. It was a piece of himself that he was glad Noah took. Noah started drifting as Rafael sang, and he was glad that he could get Noah to calm down. Rafael used to sing to Sebastian and Leo whenever he put them to bed. 

Noah finally fell asleep, and Rafael smiled, keeping his arm around Noah, stroking his hand down his son’s back. Rafael reached for the remote, clicking the tv on, but turning the sound down. He needed something to watch. Noah was at ease, breathing softly, and he pulled a blanket up around them both. He was starting to worry again when his door opened once more, and he saw Leo slowly making his way in the room, rubbing at his eyes as he clutched his blanket in his hand, dragging it behind him. “Hey little man,” Rafael said. “What’s going on?” 

“I’m hungry, Daddy,” Leo whispered, coming closer. Rafael slipped out from under Noah, tucking the blanket around his older son. He picked Leo up, carrying him out to the kitchen and sat him on the counter. 

“What do you want to eat?” he asked softly. 

“I wanna look!” Leo said, so Rafael picked him up again, letting him look in the fridge. Leo surveyed his options for an excessive amount of time, but he finally settled on a cheese stick, so Rafael opened it up for him, waiting until he finished. Leo insisted on a drink of water, and then Rafael made him brush his teeth again. He was going to take Leo to his own bed, but he whined and wouldn’t let go of Rafael’s shirt. “Nooo,” he cried. Rafael sighed. 

“Okay, fine, you can come sleep with me too,” Rafael said. He was too tired to argue. He carried Leo back to his bedroom, getting in bed and settling Leo beside him. Noah had shifted over more toward Liv’s side. Leo laid down, clutching his blanket to him, and Rafael smiled at him. “Close your eyes,” Rafael said softly. 

“Did you sing to Noah?” he asked softly. 

“I did,” Rafael whispered. 

“Sing,” Leo said, and Rafael smiled a little bit. He sang Leo a different song. It was a Cuban lullaby his Grandmother had actually sang when he was five and fell outside, splitting his knee open. He had been crying and crying, and he needed stitches. His father was a deadbeat, so his mother had taken him to the hospital with Catalina’s assistance. She had been the one to calm Rafael down in the waiting room. Leo was out like a light in no time. Rafael wasn’t sure he was going to get any sleep. 

He managed to doze off at some point because his blaring alarm pulled him from the fog of sleep. He tried to sit up and turn it off, but there was a small body on top of him. He blinked, feeling exhausted. Leo was sprawled out on his chest, and Noah was leaning against his side. He sighed softly, blinking. He let his head fall back against the bed. He wanted to sleep. He dragged himself out of bed, picking Leo up as he stood. Leo’s arms wrapped around him instinctively, his face pressed against Rafael’s neck. “Don’t go, Daddy,” Leo whispered. 

“I have to go to work little man,” Rafael said. “Lucy will be here soon. Go back to sleep for a little bit.” He put Leo back on the bed, and he the two year old rolled over, clutching his blanket as he settled back down. Rafael got in the shower, cleaning up, getting dressed and handing the boys off to Lucy. He inhaled two cups of coffee before he left. He picked up breakfast for himself and Liv, and she was waiting for him when he got there. She looked like a mess, dark bags under her eyes. “You look rough,” he said softly. He could tell it had not been an easy night. 

“You don’t look so hot yourself, mister,” Liv replied. 

“The boys had me up,” he said, not wanting her to feel guilty for going to work. “How are you?” 

“Tired,” she admitted. “But I’m glad to see you.” 

“Mm,” he agreed. 

*******

Rafael waited impatiently as the elevator took him up to SVU’s floor. He had a plastic bag clutched in his hand with lunch. Liv was probably going to punch him in the face when she saw what he ordered for her, but she couldn’t keep eating whatever she wanted. The doctor had been pretty clear about eating a healthy diet. Rafael pulled his phone from his pocket, checking his emails until the elevator dinged. He walked out, going to find Liv. Her office door was shut. “Hey Barba,” Sonny said from his desk, and Rafael smiled at him. 

“Carisi,” he said. “How are you?” 

“Doing good,” Sonny said. “Liv isn’t in a very good mood.” 

“She had a rough night. Bad heartburn,” Rafael said softly. He went over to the door, knocking softly before opening it up. “Hey,” he said. She looked up. 

“Hey.” She looked oddly happy. 

“I brought lunch,” he said, holding the bag up, and she stood. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He got a kiss for his troubles, and he wanted another one. He was about to pull her closer when they were interrupted by Carisi poking his head in the door. 

“We have a problem Lieu. A DV case, the husband has a gun. I’m gonna take Fin. ESU Is on their way I think,” Sonny said. Liv pulled away from Rafael, and he didn’t like the look on her face. 

“Liv,” he said softly, but she leveled him with a scathing glare. 

“I’ll handle it, Carisi,” Liv said. “Get a vest. Fin can take care of things here.” 

“ _ Liv _ ,” Rafael said more firmly. “This is dangerous.” 

“Being pregnant does not prevent me from doing my job,” Liv said. 

“Are you listening to yourself?” Rafael asked softly. He took a step closer to her. “I know you want to feel like you’re doing your job, but no one is going to blame you for taking it easy when you’re pregnant Liv. If 1PP knew—”

“Are you going to call them again?” Liv asked, and he stared at her. 

“Wow,” he whispered. He hadn’t expected her to throw that back in his face. “Unbelievable.” He stood there for a second, collecting himself. He set the plastic bag on her desk wordlessly, taking a breath before he met her narrowed eyes. “Here’s your lunch,” he whispered. “Nice to hear you think so highly of your husband who is only worried about his wife and unborn child.” With that, he turned on his heel and left her office. 

“Liv,” Sonny said softly. “That was uncalled for. He’s just worried. He cares about your safety, not to mention the baby.” He followed Rafael from the room, trying to catch up with him. The lawyer stopped beside Fin’s desk. 

“Please try and talk Olivia out of going to this hostage situation,” Rafael said softly, and Sonny could hear the hurt in his voice. “She won’t listen to me.” 

“Rafael,” Sonny said, grabbing his wrist. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m good,” Rafael whispered before he walked briskly toward the elevator. Sonny looked to Fin who sighed, standing up. 

“I’ll go talk to her,” he said softly before heading to Liv’s office. She was sitting at her desk, and he came in, shutting the door and taking a seat in one of the chairs. “Are you alright?” he asked softly. Liv sighed. 

“I didn’t mean what I said to him,” she said softly. “I hate being chained down. I want to do my job.” 

“It’s only nine months, Liv. You’re already through three of them. You will be back just as strong in no time. Right now though, it’s not worth risking your safety of the baby’s safety,” Fin said. She didn’t respond. “Look, you made me take the Sergeant's exam. I think it’s about time you let me use it.” 

“Just for today,” she said softly, and Fin didn’t push. It was better than nothing. 

“I think you owe Barba an apology,” he said softly. “He looked pretty upset.” When he left the office to go grab his vest, Liv had her head in her hands.

*******

Liv knew she messed up bad. She had texted him twice, a simple apology and an offer to call him, but he hadn’t responded. She had laughed a little bit when she found the salad he ordered for her. He was only trying to look out for her, and she knew that, but she had lashed out anyways. Bringing up the whole Tucker debacle was a low blow, and it brought up issues from their past that had almost prevented them from ever having a relationship. She knew her relationship with Tucker had been painful for him, and it wasn’t that she felt guilty for doing what she had thought was right, but throwing it back in his face was low. She pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead, leaning back. She was sure he was extremely upset. She sighed, standing up. He had left his own food in the bag as well, and she wanted to make sure he had lunch. She grabbed her jacket, slipping into it on her way out the door. 

“I’ll be at the DA's office if you need me,” Liv told Amanda before she headed down to her car. She stopped at his favorite coffee shop, getting him a cup, and she picked up his favorite chinese food before she arrived at his office. His door was shut, and Carmen was sitting at her desk. 

“He’s in a mood,” Carmen said. 

“That would be my fault,” Liv said. “I’m sorry if he yelled at you.” 

“No, no, he didn’t yell. He just locked himself in there and won’t talk to me,” she said. 

“I’m afraid I upset him,” Liv admitted. “Can you let me in?” 

“I got him to open it about fifteen minutes ago,” she said. Liv nodded, opening the door. Rafael was sitting at his desk, toying with his pen. “Rafa,” she said softly. He looked up,

and she could see the red stains that had been etched by tears. 

“Are you back from your suicide mission?” he asked softly. 

“I didn’t go,” she whispered, coming closer. “You left your lunch in my office. Did you get something to eat?”

“I wasn’t hungry,” he said. She put the bag on the table in front of him. 

“I got you coffee,” she said. “And chinese food.” He laughed softly, wiping at his face. 

“Trying to buy my affection?” he asked, and she was grateful for the soft teasing tone in his voice, but she knew he was still trying to cover the hurt. She had ripped open an old, scabbed over wound when he least expected it. Now it was seeping blood, and she needed to apply enough pressure to stem the pain. 

“Rafa, look at me,” she whispered. He didn’t. “Please.” He finally lifted his head, letting his hands drop from untying the bag to retrieve his lunch. “I am so sorry I said that to you,” she said, keeping his gaze. “It was uncalled for, and you didn’t deserve it. I know you were trying to watch out for me.” He nodded softly, but she knew he was still hurt. “How can I fix this? I don’t want you to be so upset.” 

“I don’t know, Liv,” he whispered. “I forgive you, but what you said hurt. Can you please

try to take it easier at work? For me?” 

“Yes,” Liv said. “I will try.” He nodded, going back to opening his lunch. Liv was glad to see him find his fork and start working on his food. She just hoped that somehow she could make this up to him. 

*******

Liv looked nervous, and Rafael didn’t like it. She was the calm one usually. She kept him calm. She was his rock, but they were both scared now. “Liv,” he said softly. “It’s going to be okay.” She nodded, squeezing his hand tighter. He looked around the room, watching one of the tvs in the corner. He wasn’t a fan of the news though, so he turned back toward her. 

“Are you sure this is the right decision?” Liv asked softly. 

“Liv, I’m not sure of anything anymore,” Rafael said. “I think this is a good idea though. It

tells us if we need to worry or prepare for a special needs child. I think it’s worth it.” She nodded, but he could tell she still wasn’t sure. “Just try to relax,” he said. “You can take it easy the next few days.” She didn’t say anything more after that, and Rafael didn’t know what else to do. He held her hand, waiting to be called back. He wasn’t sure if he was happy or nervous when the nurse finally came for them. They took Liv’s height and weight before they went to the exam room. When they were taking her blood pressure, the nurse stopped for a second before asking, 

“Are you feeling nervous?” Liv looked to Rafael, worry in her eyes. 

“A little bit,” she said, “Why?” 

“Your BP is a little bit elevated. Don’t worry, we can take it again in a little bit,” she said. Rafael wrapped an arm around Liv’s shoulders to try and calm her down. The truth was, he was concerned now. Any hint of an issue was terrifying. “I’m going to get you a gown, I need you to change into it. The doctor will be in soon to talk with you. Your husband is welcome to stay in the room during the procedure if you’d like.” Liv nodded, swallowing heavily. Rafael took her clothes as she changed, folding them up into a pile for her. 

“You want me to stay?” he asked softly. He definitely wanted to stay, but if she asked him to leave, he would. 

“Please,” Liv whispered. He nodded, rubbing her back. It wasn’t long until there was a knock on the door, and the doctor entered. She smiled at them. 

“Olivia, Rafael,” she said with a smile, shaking their hands as she did every time they were there. “I’m just going to take your blood pressure again if that’s okay.” Liv nodded, and the doctor took her pressure quickly, writing a few things down on the chart. “How are you feeling today?”

“Okay,” Liv said. “I wasn’t as sick this morning.” 

“Excellent,” Dr. Miller said. “Did you read the pamphlets I gave you?” Liv nodded. “Bed rest for the next two days at least. No heavy lifting or sex for at least a week. You call immediately if you’re worried.” Liv nodded again. “You have to keep an eye on her and let her rest.” She was talking pointedly to Rafael now, and he nodded. 

“We decided we don’t want to know the gender,” Rafael said. “Although if you could put it in a sealed envelope, I can think of a few people who might.” 

“Sure, I can do that for you,” she said. “I’m going to put antiseptic on your stomach, and we will use an ultrasound to guide the needle in. It shouldn’t be painful. You may feel a little bit of a pinch and some cramping when the needle is entering the uterus. We’ll do an ultrasound before and after to check on the baby. Okay?” 

“Alright,” Liv said softly, laying back when she was instructed. A nurse wheeled the ultrasound machine in, and Rafael held onto her hand. He was excited to see the baby again. When the heart beat filled the room, as always, he felt he burn of tears in his eyes. He tried to swallow them back, but when he looked at Liv, she was tearing up too. 

“Your baby looks really, really good,” Dr. Miller said. “Appropriate size, and everything seems to be on track.” 

“That’s good,” Rafael whispered, squeezing Liv’s hand. 

“Alright, try to relax now, talk to Rafael, and we’re going to get started prepping you,” Dr. Miller said. Rafael held Liv’s gaze, smiling at her, talking to her softly as he tried to distract her. They ended up in an procedure room where Rafael held tight to her hand. She was doing well until they actually started pressing the needle in. Rafael almost fainted when he saw its size. He hated the pained expression on Liv’s face. He knew some of it was fear, but he checked with her anyways. 

“Doing okay?” he asked softly, brushing some hair from her face. 

“Ah, it’s just--it’s a lot of pressure,” Liv said softly. She was squeezing his hand so hard, he felt like it was going to fall off. 

“Almost in,” the doctor said. She winced when they pressed it in further. “Okay, you’re going to feel pressure as the fluid comes out.” Liv squeezed her eyes closed, clutching at him, and he leaned down closer, whispering to her. 

“It’s almost done sweetheart,” he whispered. “It’s almost over. You’re doing so well.” 

“Alright, all finished,” Dr. Miller said, and Liv relaxed. They cleaned up, getting her back to the exam room where they could do the ultrasound. The baby looked fine which Rafael was so grateful for. “Your results will be back next week, and I will go over them with you at your next appointment. One thing I noticed, your blood pressure was elevated both times it was taken. This could be from stress or overworking yourself. You need to take it easy. Really, I can’t stress that enough.” Rafael swallowed heavily. They certainly had things to talk about when they got home. 

******

Liv was exhausted by the time he got her home, and she was obviously in pain. Rafael helped her in the house and promptly into bed. Noah glared at him the whole way down the hall. Liv was laying on the bed, her eyes closed, and Rafael grabbed another pillow. “Do you want another pillow?” he asked. “Here, sit up a little bit.” 

“I’m fine, Rafael,” she said softly, so he dropped the pillow, starting to pull at the blankets and tuck her in. “Rafael,” she whispered exasperatedly, but he didn’t stop. He tucked her in. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked softly. 

“No,” she said. He took a seat on the edge of the bed. “You were right about work,” she whispered. “I think I need to take some time off. I don’t want to risk anything.” That made him feel so relieved. He leaned down, pressing his lips to her forehead. He leaned down more, shutting his eyes, their foreheads touching and she forked her fingers through his hair, keeping him there. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he whispered. 

“Do you think Sebastian would have liked having another sibling?” Liv asked softly. 

“He might have taken a little bit to warm up to it, but he loved Leo,” Rafael said. 

“I think you mean Ketchup,” she teased. Rafael smiled softly, wistfully. He lowered his hand to the top part of her stomach, rubbing her bump. 

“You get some rest. I’m going to check on Noah. He’s keeps glaring at me,” Rafael whispered. Liv snorted. 

“We’re going to have to tell him after the results come back next week,” she said. “He’s going to worry too much otherwise.” 

“We’ll tell him next week,” Rafael agreed, kissing her forehead and then her lips. He pushed himself up from the bed then, going to talk to Noah. His son was in the living room, toying with a pencil instead of doing his math homework. “Hey,” Rafael said, sitting down next to him. 

“Stop lying to me,” Noah said, and Rafael sighed. “I’m not stupid, Dad. I know something is wrong with Mom. You keep taking her to the doctor.” 

“She’s fine, Noah. When have I ever lied to you before?” Rafael asked. Noah shrugged, and Rafael turned to look at him. “I know you’re probably scared, especially after everything that’s happened with Sebastian, but it’s going to be okay. Mom is okay.” Rafael pulled Noah close, and he leaned into Rafael’s side. “It’s going to be okay.”  He helped Noah with a few math problems as they sat there until he decided he wanted to check on Liv again. He had this unexplainable anxiety. He was terrified she might have complications even though the chances were very low. He needed to take care of her. When he opened the door, he saw her sitting in bed, the tv on, but her eyes were closed. “Liv?” he asked softly. 

“Hm?” she whispered. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked, sitting down beside her. 

“I’m fine Raf,” Liv said. 

“Are you in pain? The doctor said you could have tylenol,” he said, and Liv sighed. 

“Sure, get me some tylenol,” she whispered. He stood up, going to get the bottle for her. She took the pills he brought, shifting onto her left side afterwards. 

“Can I get you anything else?” Rafael asked. She shook her head. “Are you sure?” 

“Raf, stop,” she said softly. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. He leaned his head back, looking up at he ceiling and trying to calm himself down. He was more nervous than he wanted to admit. He was nervous about the test results, about her health, about the baby. He was nervous about everything. He reached over, needing to touch her, to hold her close. She didn’t fight him when he pressed himself up against her back, loosely wrapping his arms around her. He kept telling himself it would be okay.

******

Liv was about to explode. Rafael was driving her insane. He would not stop smothering her. Every five seconds he was fluffing a pillow for her or getting her a blanket or making her eat a salad or making her prop her feet up. He was so overwhelming. She had been trying to get him to stop, but no matter how many different ways she asked, he didn’t get it. She was still in bed, pretending she was asleep so he wouldn’t bother her, but then the door opened, and she heard his voice. “Liv,” he said, and she squeezed her eyes closed. “Liv, honey, we have to go to the doctor.” She groaned softly before rolling onto her back. “Come on, I know you’re tired. You can sleep when we get home.” 

“Rafael, please….” she trailed off, covering her mouth before shooting up and rushing to the bathroom. She felt Rafael holding her hair back, and usually she would be grateful, but after everything, even that annoyed her. 

“You’re okay,” he whispered. 

“I need a moment, please,” she said, leaning her face against her hand. 

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll be in the kitchen.” Liv took a few moments to try and get past the dizziness. She finally managed to push herself up to her feet, flushing the toilet and washing her hands and face before heading out to the kitchen. Rafael was making something in the blender, and the green color made her feel nauseous again. “I found this recipe online,” he said when he saw her. “It’s for you. It’s really healthy.” 

“Rafa, you do not actually expect me to drink that, do you?” she asked. 

“It’ll taste fine,” Rafael said, pouring it into a glass. It was goopy and green, and Liv was not going to try it. Looking at it made her feel ill. 

“I’m not drinking that,” she said firmly, going to the fridge to find something she could eat for breakfast. Rafael was not impressed when she settled on a piece of cake. She had been eating all his healthy crap for weeks though. She wanted something sweet. She had been craving chocolate for days. 

“Liv, there’s so much sugar in that,” he said. “Come on, you have to watch your diet.” 

“Rafael, back away from my damn cake. I draw the line at a green, goop, smoothie. It’s not happening.” Her voice was firm and dangerously low, and he finally backed off with a sigh as she ate her cake. She was sure she hadn’t eaten anything so delicious in her entire life. She rolled her eyes when she saw him put the smoothie in the fridge like she might drink it later. He was certainly persistent. She was trying so hard not to yell at him or get too upset because he was only trying to help. She knew he was trying to help, but that didn’t make it any less infuriating. When she got dressed, he was lingering in the bedroom, trying to help her get her shoes and socks on. She took them from him. “I can do it, Rafa, go wait in the car or something.” 

“I’m going to pull the car around the front,” he said, and Liv had to take a moment and breathe deeply. She finished tying her shoes before slowly making her way down to the car. Rafael was waiting, the passenger seat reclined slightly. When she buckled herself in, he turned to her. “How’s the temperature? You’re not too cold? Or warm maybe? I can fix it. Here, let me just--” 

“I’m fine,” she interjected, praying that he would stop. “I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure? I only have the air up a little bit,” he said. 

“I’m fine.” He nodded, turning his attention to the road. She was grateful for the few moments of silence, but then he started talking to her about something he read on the internet, and she had to tune him out because she would lose it otherwise. He walked her into the doctor’s office, and then she started to get nervous. Their results were finally in. Rafael was obviously nervous as well because he wouldn’t shut up. He was rambling on and on, and she just held tight to his hand. 

They walked back to the office, hand in hand, and Liv felt like her heart was racing. She wasn’t sure either of them could handle bad news. The knock on the door made her anxiety even worse. Rafael swallowed heavily when Dr. Miller came inside. “How are you feeling Olivia?” she asked with a smile on her face, and Liv tried to tell herself that was a good sign. 

“Alright. My emotions are….everywhere. The morning sickness is back with vengeance,” Liv said. 

“She’s been eating really well,” Rafael said. 

“Your weight looks really, really healthy. I have your amnio results right here,” she said, holding a folder up. “First of all, here is your sealed envelope,” she said, and Liv smiled a little bit, taking it and handing it to Rafael. “Your amnio results look really good. There’s no indication of abnormalities. The baby appears to be perfectly healthy.” Liv felt an incredible sense of relief, tears overwhelming her. 

“Hear that, Raf?” she whispered. “The baby is perfect.” She hoped he might calm down a little bit now. 

“Hop up on the table, and we’ll take a look,” she said. Liv climbed onto the table with Rafael’s help, and She shivered when they put the gel on her skin, and she felt so much unimpeded joy when she heard the heartbeat this time. It was a huge weight off her shoulders. 

*******

“Maybe you should sit down,” Rafael said, and Liv didn’t even bother fighting. The sooner she did what he wanted, the sooner he would leave her alone. “I’ll get Noah.” Liv shut her eyes, feeling exhausted. She was glad she took some time off work, not only for her health, but it honestly made her feel better. She was so tired every day, and she didn’t do much besides the daily exercise to keep the baby healthy. Rafael guided Noah out of his bedroom, and he looked unsurely at them both. “Sit down, we have to talk,” Rafael said. 

“Is it time to worry?” Noah asked softly, his eyes wide, and Rafael shook his head. 

“No, no, Noah. Nothing to worry about. Mom and I have good news actually,” Rafael said, taking a seat beside her. 

“Noah, I want you to be honest about how you feel when we tell you this,” Liv said, and Noah nodded. “We found out that you’re going to have a little brother or sister.” Noah stared at them for a couple minutes before he smiled. 

“Really?” he asked. 

“Yes, Noah, really,” Rafael replied. “Do you want to see a picture?” Noah nodded, coming closer as Rafael pulled the ultrasound up on his phone. Noah stared at it for a couple minutes. 

“I thought you said Mommy couldn’t have anymore babies,” he said. Rafael smiled softly, glancing over at Liv. 

“That’s what we thought, but I guess we were wrong,” Rafael said softly. “Mom is going to be okay. The doctors will take good care of her.” 

“What about Sebastian?” Noah asked softly. 

“What about him?” Rafael asked. 

“I don’t know,” Noah whispered. 

“We’ll go visit him. We will remember him, Noah. I’m sure we’ll tell the baby about him when they’re old enough,” Rafael said. “Everything is going to be alright.” Noah smiled, and Rafael was glad to see him looking excited. 

******

Liv was sitting in the living room, waiting for Rafael to come home. They needed to talk. She couldn't handle his hovering anymore. He was all over her constantly. He was going to pick up groceries to make her some sort of gross smoothie probably. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but she couldn’t take it anymore. When she heard the door open, she picked up the little box and approached him. “Hey,” she said. 

“Hi,” he whispered, carrying the bags in. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine. Can we talk for a couple minutes?” Liv asked. 

“Do you want something to eat?” he asked, and she sighed, gently grabbing his wrists and making him look at her. 

“We need to talk,” she said seriously. He swallowed heavily before following her into the living room. “I got you a present,” she said, and he looked at her, worry in his eyes. She handed him the box, and he opened it, revealing a new tie, socks and a few other goodies he would enjoy. “You’ll get one of these each month for a little bit,” she said. 

“What’s this for?” he asked.

“Look,” Liv said softly. “I know you’re worried about me, and I appreciate you trying to help, but babe, you’ve been all over me. I need some space to breathe. No more green smoothies or asking me if you can get me another pillow every five seconds. Okay?” 

“I’m sorry Liv,” he said softly. “I just--I’m so scared to lose you.” 

“I know,” Liv whispered, meeting his eyes. She pulled him close, and he pressed his face against her shoulder, starting to cry. She gently rubbed his back, holding him as he let his emotions out. “It’s going to be okay, Rafa, I promise.” 

“I can’t lose you,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t survive, Liv.” 

“You won’t lose me,” she promised. “I’m right here. Everything is going to turn out okay.” He dropped his hand to her stomach, feeling for the baby. It had been starting to kick a lot, but it helped sometimes if he talked to it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“I know, I’m not mad. Please just try to give me some space to breathe now,” she said, and he nodded, wiping at his eyes. 

“I’ll try,” he said. “Thank you for the gift.” 

“Yeah, of course,” Liv said. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he whispered.

*******

“Are you guys ready?” Sonny asked. 

“One minute,” Rafael said. “I want more food.” Liv laughed from her seat. They were having a small party, something Carisi put together so they could find out the gender. His Mom was there, a few other people they knew. Brody and his parents even came for a little while. Rafael got himself a little bit more to eat. He was stalling, and he wasn’t entirely sure why. He didn’t know what he wanted. He wasn’t sure how he would feel when they did find out. He started picking at the lasagna that Carisi had brought, and he sighed. He couldn’t keep them waiting for forever.

“Are you okay?” Liv asked softly, and he shrugged. 

“I just don’t know how I’m going to feel,” he whispered. She squeezed his hand. 

“Me too,” she said. He reached down, feeling for the baby again. “I swear to God, if you make it start kicking….” Liv said with a laugh, and he smiled. 

“I’m usually the one who stops it,” he replied with a smirk. Liv smiled at him. 

“Are you guys ready to go?” Amanda asked softly. “Leo wants his cupcake.” Liv laughed. 

“Sure, I guess we should get started,” Liv said. Rafael took another bite of food, trying to tell himself it would be alright. He wanted to be happy no matter what they found out, but his emotions were unpredictable. Every doctor’s appointment had been going well though which was a relief. Liv was back at work, but strictly at the desk, and that made him feel much better. She had to make it through ten more weeks to reach full term, and then he would only have to worry about the birth. Sonny brought the boys over with two cupcakes, and Liv smiled. They were decorated with pink and blue sprinkles, and the middle would reveal if they were having a girl or a boy. Amanda had a video camera, and Rafael held Liv’s hand as Sonny signalled to the boys that they could start eating. Leo took a huge bite, but Rafael couldn’t quite tell. Noah was being more careful than his brother who was basically shoving the cake into his mouth. There was icing all over Leo. Blue icing. Rafael swallowed heavily. Blue. He turned to Liv. “We’re having a boy,” she said softly. Noah showed them the inside of his cupcake, and sure enough, there was blue icing right in the middle. 

“We’re having a boy,” Rafael whispered, feeling tears prick his eyes. He was happy. Happier than he thought he would be. It made him think about Sebastian, but that was a bittersweet feeling. He was happy to remember his son, but it hurt to think of him just as it always did. He had come to think of it sort of as a good type of pain. It meant that he was remembering his son. 

“Awww,” Fin said. “It’s a boy.” Rita offered him a smile when he caught her gaze. He felt emotional, and he wiped at his eyes. 

“Are you guys happy?” Amanda asked. Rafael nodded. 

“We’re very happy,” he whispered. His mother was grinning, but he knew she had secretly been hoping for a little girl. She wanted a granddaughter. He knew she would be very happy with a baby boy though. Rafael stood up, wiping his mouth. He pulled his shirt down a little bit, flattening it before heading down the hall to the bathroom. He needed a minute to collect himself. He gripped the sink for a couple minutes, leaning down and trying to slow his breathing. He felt tears filling his eyes, and he sniffled, wiping at them. It was hard for him. He wanted to be overwhelmed by joy, but there was always sadness mingled in. He wasn’t sure he knew how to be entirely happy anymore. He wasn’t sure he ever would. He looked up, seeing himself in the mirror with bloodshot eyes, and he shook his head. He cupped his hand under the flow of water and collected a handful to splash in his face. He heard the soft sound of someone lightly knocking, so he turned the water off and took a few more deep breaths. “Hello?” he asked. 

“Rafi, it’s me.” It was his mother. He opened the door, and she took one look at his face before pulling him in close for a big hug. He let himself cry as she held him, and she just shushed him at first. Then, she leaned down by his ear. “You couldn’t give me just one granddaughter?” she whispered, and he laughed softly though the tears. 

She gently ran her fingers through the back of his hair. “I love you, Mom,” he said softly. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Lucia said. He nodded, wiping his eyes. 

“I better go back out there with Liv,” he said. He took a couple minutes to calm down

more, and then they walked out together. Liv was still sitting at the table with Noah, and Sonny was cleaning the frosting off of Leo’s face. Liv’s hand went to his thigh as he sat down. 

“How about we give Leo his present?” Liv asked, and Rafael nodded. Leo climbed up on Rafael’s lap when they called him over. 

“Can I have another cupcake?” he asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“Maybe later,” he said. “First, we got you something.” He grinned hugely at the prospect of getting a present. Liv pulled out a gift bag, and Leo grabbed it, tearing the tissue paper out. He pulled out a little baby doll. 

“Baby?” he asked. 

“Yeah, Leo, it’s a baby,” Rafael said. “Like the baby in Mommy’s belly.” Leo stared at him, and Rafael laughed a little bit. He looked at Liv and then back to the baby doll. Rafael wasn’t sure Leo was really going to understand it, but he wanted to give him some kind of warning, to prepare him somehow. Leo seemed to like the doll, and Rafael reminded him to be gentle with it, and he showed him how to hold it. Noah thankfully seemed excited about the baby, and Rafael was too. He just didn’t always know how to be happy. 

******

Liv was laying down on the couch when Rafael came out. He was putting on his jacket, and he turned toward her. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?” he asked. 

“Rafael, I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m already a mess.” 

“Okay,” he said softly. 

“Just tell me the big things, later,” she said. Rafael nodded, securing his scarf around his neck. Sonny was waiting for him outside. He took a seat beside her, leaning down for a kiss, and she tangled her fingers in his hair. “Be safe,” she whispered. They said it to each other almost every day now. They both knew someone could disappear with the snap of a finger, the split second pull of a trigger, whether they were at school, work, or even at the supermarket. 

“You too,” he whispered. He rubbed a soft circle over her stomach. “Behave.” His tone feigned sternness, and Liv laughed. 

“With you as his father? Impossible,” Liv said, and he smiled. He brushed her lips one more time before standing and zipping his coat up. 

“I’ll be home in three hours, latest. Call if the boys are getting to be too much,” Rafael said. She nodded, shutting her eyes, and Rafael finally made himself leave. He didn’t like being away from her. He was constantly worrying, and he wanted desperately to keep her safe, but even if he was there, he wouldn’t be able to do much of anything if she had serious complications. Noah knew to keep an eye on her, and Rafael had talked to him extensively about calling 911 or calling Sonny if he couldn’t reach his father. He hated to put that kind of responsibility on an eleven year old, but he wasn’t sure what else to do. 

He climbed into Sonny’s car, buckling himself in, and Sonny smiled at him. “You ready?” he asked. Rafael nodded. He wasn’t sure how ready he really was, but he needed to do this. He needed to try and change things. He needed to make sure no other parent had to endure the hell he was going through. He needed to feel like he tried everything. 

When they arrived, the room was nice, a big conference table in the middle. Sonny walked him in, and Rafael took a seat. Sonny sat beside him. There was food on the table, little cups of water, and Rafael was hit with a wave of emotions. The last time he had seen those plastic cups was in the little back room while they were waiting to hear about their son. There was pizza, but he hadn’t been hungry. Neither had Liv. Rafael grabbed a donut, picking at it. He wasn’t really that hungry at the moment, but he was nervous. Rita was the first one to come through the door, and he was glad to see her. She sat on the other side of him. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered. She put a hand on his arm. 

“How’s Liv?” Rita asked. 

“Doing well,” Rafael said. “Only a few more weeks to go. Everything is looking good so far.” 

“Good, that’s great. I’m glad,” Rita said. Fin came in next, followed by Amanda, and then the others began to arrive. The people who could make the real difference. They were there to help develop the bill, and the others were there to offer input. Once everyone was seated around the table, Rafael cleared his throat, standing up. He took a deep breath. 

“Thank you all for being here. It means the world to Olivia and myself. We miss our son Sebastian more with every passing day. Each of you is helping me to try and right some of the issues that lead to Sebastian’s murder, and I hope that we will be able to meet my goal.” When he sat down, he was met with a few smiles, and then they were getting started. He just hoped that this would work. 

*******

Rafael wanted to stay in bed all day. It was warm, Liv in his arms, and he wouldn’t have to deal with all the bullshit that fell on his lap everyday. He just wanted one day to relax with his wife, but Liv would get up and go to work in a few hours even though she was days from her due date. He kissed the back of her shoulder, reaching around so he could feel her stomach. As if on cue, he felt little kicks, and he couldn’t help but smile. Their baby boy was certainly rambunctious. He was constantly moving. “Thanks a lot,” Liv whispered, her voice sounding sleepy. “You know he moves whenever you put your hand there.” 

“Sorry,” he murmured, kissing her shoulder again. “I like feeling him.” 

“Maybe feel him when it’s actually light out,” Liv grumbled, and he smiled. He moved his hand, so she could get some more sleep. She was obviously still tired, and she already was moody generally because of the pregnancy hormones. He enjoyed the feeling of her in his arms until the light started to stream through the window. He turned his alarm off, crawling out of bed, so he could get Liv some breakfast. She was usually very good about eating, but mornings were hard for her. He wished she would stay home more, but he couldn’t argue when all she did was paper work for the most part. He made her eggs, toast, and fruit, and poured a glass of water. He hoped she wasn’t feeling nauseous or having heartburn. The nausea had been improving a lot, but her heartburn was especially bad in the morning. Liv was still asleep when he went in the room, but he sat on the bed beside her, and gently shook her shoulder. “Five more minutes,” she whispered. 

“Liv, wake up. I made you breakfast,” he said. She sighed, rolling onto her back. 

“Thanks,” she said softly, grunting softly as she tried to sit up. “I’m giant,” she whispered, hand resting on her belly as she tried to get up more so she could eat. 

“Nonsense,” he whispered. “You’re beautiful.” 

“Maybe if you like elephants,” Liv griped, taking the plate. 

“Oh hush,” Rafael murmured, kissing the top of her head. “I’m so lucky to have you, so don’t think or a second hat you aren’t gorgeous. I’m going to get a shower.” 

“Alright. Love you,” Liv said softly, and he hummed in agreement. He tried to keep his shower quick, so he could take care of the boys. Liv needed time to get ready so she wasn’t rushing too much. He was trying to keep her stress levels at a minimum. After shaving, he headed back to the bedroom, and Liv was still laying down. She was on her side now, and she looked uncomfortable. 

“Hey,” he said softly. “Are you okay?” 

“Just some heartburn,” she said softly. Rafael was close to the bed, and she grabbed for him. He gently ran his hand down her back, fingers forking through her hair. 

“I’ll get you some yogurt, honey,” Rafael murmured. The doctor didn’t want her taking antacids, so they had to make due with foods that helped decrease the symptoms. He went out ot the kitchen, taking her food dishes with him. He left them in the sink, and he wrapped his hand around the cool handle of the refrigerator, pulling it open. They were getting low on yogurt, and he would have to make another run to the grocery store soon. 

“Dad?” Noah’s voice startled him. He turned, seeing him standing in the hallway, Eddie the elephant in his hand. Rafael hadn’t seen the stuffed animal out and about very much apart from recent months. He usually lived on a shelf in Noah’s room. 

“What’s up, buddy?” he asked softly. 

“Is Mom okay?” Noah asked, looking worried. 

“Yeah, she’s just having some heartburn again. She’ll be alright,” Rafael said. Noah nodded. “Are you okay?” 

“I had a bad dream,” Noah said softly. 

“Did you write it in your journal?” Rafael asked, sitting beside his son. Noah’s therapist was having him write about his dreams. He was having them so often, and they hoped that it might help Noah work through them. Noah nodded. “You can always talk to me if you need to,” he said. Noah nodded again. “Get some breakfast. I’m going to go get your brother.” 

“I can do it, Dad. Just give Mom her yogurt,” Noah said. Rafael stopped short, overcome with a wave of emotions. It amazed him to see how big Noah was getting. He was so much more mature than Rafael had even realized. 

“Thanks, Noah,” he whispered, trying not to choke up. He thought of all his memories with Noah, of holding his hand in the park and pushing him on the swings when he was five to Christmas Eves spent in sleeping bags with mugs of hot cocoa. He thought of the time passed and time he would have left, and he couldn’t help but feel emotional. He also thought of the time he lost with Sebastian, but he couldn’t dwell on that to long or he would be too emotional. He walked back to the bedroom once more, opening the door, and pulling at the top of the yogurt so he could open it for Liv. She took it gratefully, taking a few bites. She finished it rather quickly, but she still didn’t look well. 

“I think I’m going to rest for a couple hours,” she said softly. He nodded, brushing some of her hair back. 

“That’s a good idea, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Do you need anything before I go?” 

“Can you help me up?” she asked. “I want to get a few things together to do while I lay in bed.” He nodded, sitting down and wrapping an arm around her so he could help her up. She got up to her feet with a grunt, hanging onto him for stability until she caught her balance. “Go check on the boys,” she said softly, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I’ll be alright.” 

“Are you sure?” he asked, and she nodded. “Okay. I’ll be back soon. I’m not leaving without a kiss goodbye.” 

“You better not, or I’d kick your cute butt when you got home,” Liv whispered. He smiled.

“I don’t know Liv, you think you could get your leg up that high?” he teased. She laughed softly, pulling him down for a real kiss. 

“You don’t want to find out,” she whispered. He pulled back after a second, heading out to keep an eye on the boys. Noah was helping Leo get settled do he could eat his cheerios. He appreciated his son’s help so much. Rafael kissed them both goodbye, getting them settled as Lucy arrived. He quickly did his hair and dressed himself, and when he returned to the bedroom, Liv was snuggled up in bed in his Harvard sweatshirt. She looked better in it than he did. 

“I love you,” he whispered, coming over to the bed to give her the goodbye kiss she wanted so badly. 

“Love you too,” she said. “Be safe.” 

“You too, honey,” he whispered. “Call me later?” She nodded, and with that, he got ready to leave. 

******

Liv was feeling awful. She wasn’t entirely sure what the problem was, but she felt so uncomfortable as she tried to get herself dressed. She put on something more casual than what she might usually wear, telling herself it was Friday and she could get away with it. She didn’t feel capable of squeezing herself into dress pants. After she managed to put on something that was really only half presentable, she brushed her teeth, and put on some light makeup. Noah and Leo were in the living room when she came out, and Noah looked up at her. “Are you feeling better Mom?” he asked. 

“Yes, Noah,” she replied, not wanting to worry him. “I’m heading to work. I’ll be back soon.” 

“Mommy?” Leo asked, and Liv smiled at him. He held up his baby doll. “Baby?” 

“He’s cute,” she whispered, coming closer, and Leo smiled proudly. 

“Name?” Leo asked, looking at her stomach. They had been talking about names for awhile, but Leo hadn’t asked up until now. They had settled on something a few nights before, laying in bed, palms pressed together. His fingers had been intertwined with her own, one hand rested on her belly. He had been hesitant to come up with a name at first, and she knew it was because he was worried about getting too attached too quickly, but now that she was so far along, he was in love. She could see it in his eyes. He had suggested Logan, she had countered with Mason. He replied with Henry, and it was back and forth, the same way every night. She had been the one to suggest Oliver, and he stopped, thinking for a couple moments until he smiled. 

“I think Daddy and I settled on Oliver,” Liv said softly. 

“Aw, that’s a nice name,” Lucy said. Leo stared at her for a second. 

“Ollie?” he asked. 

“Oliver,” she said back, but Leo shook his head. 

“Ollie,” he insisted, and Liv shook her head with a laugh. 

“Bye boys, have a good day, okay?” They both nodded, hugging her before they got back to work. Liv pulled a jacket on before heading down to the street. She hailed a cab, feeling incapable of driving at the moment, and the whole way to the precinct, she was feeling crampy. She felt a little flushed and overheated, but she had braxton hicks contractions already a week or so before. They weren’t unusual. She had them with Sebastian as well. She was glad when she finally reached the precinct. She wanted to sit down and put her feet up in her office. Her back was aching, and every step was daunting. She was so tired, and she was starting to feel hungry again. Carisi was up to his feet almost immediately when she reached the SVU floor, and he helped her to her office.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked, and she nodded. 

“Just some Braxton Hicks contractions,” she said softly, but Sonny frowned. 

“You look a little pale Lieu,” Sonny said. She had to grab him as her abdomen clenched more, and suddenly she wasn’t so sure it was Braxton Hicks. She put a hand on her stomach, and Sonny supported her. “Hey, woah, you okay Liv?” 

“Jesus,” she whispered. “Sonny, I need--I think…” She didn’t even have to finish her sentence. He was steering her into a chair, eyes blown wide. “Ahh, Sonny,” she whispered. “I--I need Rafael, please.” 

“Okay, okay, Lieu, breathe. I’m going to call him. It’s okay,” Sonny said meeting her eyes and trying to calm her down. She gripped the arm of the chair so tight, her knuckles were turning white. The pain was getting worse, and then it finally let up, and she sat back in the chair. Sonny came back with Fin after a couple minutes, and they helped her up to her feet. Fin helped support her on the way toward the car. 

“Someone...Jesus,” Liv whispered, stopping and grasping Fin’s hand as tight as she could. “Someone needs to pick Rafael up, please. He’s going to freak out.” 

“Carisi,” Fin said, and Sonny nodded, sprinting toward the stairs. Fin kept an arm around her waist as he helped her forward, but she had to stop again when she felt a rush of fluid from between her legs. It was like a release of pressure. Her mouth fell open slightly as she steadied herself with Fin’s hand. 

“Fin,” she whispered. “My water just broke. This baby is coming.” 

“Breathe,” Fin whispered. “I’ve got you, Liv.” 

******

Rafael was sipping at a cup of coffee, his fifth of the day, when he heard a slight commotion outside the door. He thought it was his next meeting, but the door flew open, and Sonny came inside. Rafael looked at him, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why he would be in such a rush. “Rafael, I need you to get up, get your coat, and come with me,” Sonny said. Rafael blinked. 

“What?” he asked, his heart starting to drop. He was suddenly feeling nauseous, a vague sense of deja vu giving him anxiety. 

“Liv is going into the labor, come on. You need to get to the hospital,” Sonny said calmly. Rafael swallowed, feeling tongue tied. He had known something was up that morning. He felt sick to his stomach as he shakily pushed himself up to his feet. He grabbed his jacket. 

“Is she okay?” he asked. 

“Fin is taking her to the hospital,” Sonny said, and Rafael nodded, throwing his jacket on. Hs heart was slamming against his chest as he ran out after Sonny. He didn’t even stop to tell Carmen where he was going. He was pulling out his phone as he climbed into Sonny’s car, frantically dialing Liv’s number. He needed to hear her voice, to assure himself she was okay. The phone rang too many times, but he let out a breath when she answered. 

“Rafa,” she whispered, her voice watery with tears. He could hear the pain she was in through her voice. 

“I’m here,” Rafael said. “It’s me. How are you doing?” 

“I’m okay,” she breathed. “It just hurts. I need--I need you.” 

“I’m on my way Liv, just hang in there. I’ll be there soon. Everything is going to be okay,” he said, trying desperately to stay calm for her. She was scared, and it was his job to calm her down. “I’m here. I’m going to be with you very soon.” 

“Rafa, I just need you to know…” she started to say, but he quickly cut in. 

“Don’t you dare say it,” he whispered. “You’re going to be fine. We’re going to be fine,” he said firmly. It was a desperate plea to not acknowledge the very real possibility that he might lose both his wife and child today. He didn’t want to listen to her say goodbye. “Damn it Carisi, drive faster,” he hissed. “Remember your breathing exercises,” he said softly. 

“O-okay,” Liv whispered, and he had to try and remember to breathe himself. “Oh, Raf, Jesus, I forgot how much this hurt last time.” 

“Shhh, breathe in through your nose and let the pain out,” he whispered. She thankfully hadn’t reached the point where he was pissing her off no matter what he said. There had been a few hours when she was in labor with Sebastian where he wasn’t allowed to speak. He had been sure then that she was going to cut his balls off after it was over. He supposed she may have if she hadn't started to hemorrhage massively in the hours following the birth. He had been stuck sitting in the nursery, holding Sebastian and contemplating the very real possibility that he might be a single father in a matter of hours. He would suddenly be responsible for two little boys, responsible to hold Noah together. Now he was facing down the same situation, and it was no less daunting. He couldn’t think about it or he would start spiraling into a panic attack, and it certainly wasn’t the time for that. “How far are we?” Rafael asked. 

“A few blocks,” Sonny said, swearing at someone and beeping the horn. 

“I have to go,” Liv said softly, and Rafael felt his heart skip a beat. He didn’t want her to get off the phone. 

“Okay,” he forced himself to say. “I’ll see you soon. I love you.” 

“Love you too Rafa,” she said before the line went dead, and he had to grab onto the door handle. 

“Carisi,” he whispered. “I can’t breathe.” His chest felt like it was getting tighter and tighter, like there was an elephant on top of him. His vision was blurring, his heart exploding in his  chest. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Barba, deep breaths. Try to relax. It’s alright,” Sonny said. 

“It’s not alright, Sonny,” Rafael whispered. “It’s not alright. Liv might die today.” 

“Don’t say stuff like that,” Sonny said. “Really, you need to think the best.” Rafael shook his head, still trying to control himself. Sonny finally pulled into the hospital parking lot, and Rafael sat there for a second. He was afraid that as soon as he stood, he would collapse onto the ground. He was feeling very light headed. 

“I can’t lose her,” he whispered. “I’m terrified.” 

“Okay, come on. Let me buy you a coffee,” Sonny said, wrapping his arm around Rafael so he could lead him into the hospital. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath, and he felt so dizzy. Sonny bought him a coffee, and he sipped it on the way up to Liv’s room in the maternity ward. He stopped outside the door taking a few very deep breaths to try and calm down. He didn’t want to upset Liv. He ran a hand through his hair, pacing for a second. “Do you need anything?” he asked.  

“We have a bag,” Rafael whispered. “We packed it last week. It’s at home, in my closet.” 

“Are there clothes in there?” Sonny asked. “You aren’t going to want to be in that all day.” 

“Yeah, I packed two outfits for me, and something for Liv to wear home,” Rafael said. “And an outfit and a blanket for the baby.” 

“What do you want me to tell Lucy?” Sonny asked, hand on Rafael’s shoulder. 

“Jesus Christ,” Rafael whispered. “What are we going to do with the boys?” He thought for a moment, trying to calm down so he could make decisions. “I’ll call my Mom,” he said softly. “Take them over there.” 

“Okay, will do,” Sonny said. Rafael took one more deep breath before going into the room. Liv was in bed, chewing on some ice. She looked flushed and a little sweaty, and when she met his gaze, there were tears in her eyes. 

“Hey,” he whispered, making his way to the bed. He ran a hand down her back, feeling the warmth radiating off of her. Her cheeks had a red flush to them. 

“Rafa,” she whispered, pulling him closer so she could press her face against his shirt. He held tight to her, trying to keep a handle on himself. Her hair was slightly damp as he ran his fingers through the thick locks. 

“It’s going to be okay,” he promised. “What has the doctor said.” 

“You’re about to find out.” Rafael turned around when he heard the doctor’s voice. She smiled at them, but Rafael wasn’t smiling. “Alright Olivia, I’m going to take a look. We’ll see how far along you are,” she said. “Your water broke?” 

“Yeah, a half hour ago,” Liv whispered, wincing slightly, and Rafael’s heart clenched. He took her hand between his own, hoping to comfort her. 

“It looks like you’re about 3 centimeters dilated. I’ll be back to check in again in about an hour. If you need me, call a nurse, and they can page. Any questions off the bat?” Rafael shook his head. He wanted some alone time with Liv. Thankfully she left the room, and he sat on the edge of the bed. 

“I’ll give you two some alone time,” Fin said, startling Rafael. 

“Thank you Fin,” he managed to say. He leaned back, pulling Liv with him, and she rested her head against his chest. He tried to hold his tears in as he held onto her, pressing his face against the top of her head. 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. “I love you. I need you to know that.” 

“I know,” he whispered, feeling miserable that she felt the need to tell him that. They were both so scared. “I love you too. It’s going to be okay.” He wasn’t even convincing himself though. He rubbed her back gently, trying to keep her calm. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Rafa,” Liv said, and he looked down. “I need you to promise me something, please.” He felt a fresh wave of tears, but he swallowed them back, nodding and holding her closer. 

“Anything,” he whispered. 

“If something happens, I need you to promise me that you’ll find a way to go on. Raf, I need you take take care of our sons, please. I know it won’t be easy, but do your best. For me,” she said. 

“Liv,” he whispered, feeling the tears slipping down his cheeks. 

“Promise me,” she insisted, crying as well. 

“I promise,” he finally whispered, feeling defeated. He wasn’t sure he would actually be able to follow through on his promise. 

******

Rafael held Liv’s hand as she was walking down the hall. She wasn’t moving very well, and he could tell she was tired and in pain, but the nurses thought it was a good idea especially after how long she had been in labor the last time. “Rafa,” she groaned softly. “I just want to sleep.” 

“I know sweetheart,” he whispered. “I know. It’s going to be over soon. Let’s go back to the room now.” Liv nodded, letting him turn them around. She was glad to get back in bed, and he helped her over onto her side. He sat on the edge of the mattress again, rubbing her back. He had shed his suit jacket hours before, rolling his sleeves up. His tie was shoved into his pocket. Sonny had called earlier to say he was stuck in some traffic with the boys, but he was going to be there soon. Rafael was glad because he really wanted his sweatpants and his phone was starting to die from playing Liv’s music. He thought she might like to have her bathrobe at least. He had draped his jacket over her shoulders earlier when she started to get cold. 

“Hey guys,” Sonny said, and Rafael turned, glad to see him. 

“Hey,” he whispered, still rubbing his hand up and down Liv’s back. Sonny held up the bag, and Rafael took it, opening it up so he could find his phone charger. He got it plugged in, and that made him feel better. He put a hand on Liv’s shoulder. “I’m going to change my clothes sweetheart. I’ll be right back.” 

“Rafa,” Liv whimpered. 

“Honey, I promise, two minutes,” he said, and she nodded. “Sonny, please sit with her.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Sonny said. Rafael wanted to get changed as soon as possible just in case she needed him later. He quickly shed his suit, folding it up hastily before slipping into his sweatpants and pulling his tee shirt over his head. He put on the Harvard sweatshirt he brought as well as it was a little chilly in the hospital room. When he went back out, he sat beside Liv again, he ran his hand up and down her back, rubbing in soft circles, and she sighed softly. 

“Do you want your candles?” he asked. She shook her head. 

“Not right now,” she whispered. “How are the boys?” 

“Noah wasn’t very happy. He kept glaring at me,” Sonny said. “I delivered both of them and Ketchup to your Mother, and she’s going to keep an eye on them until you call. She said she’ll bring them here then.” 

“Thank you, Sonny,” Rafael said, and the detective nodded. 

“I’m going to be out in the waiting room if you guys need anything,” he said. 

“Sonny, you can go home,” Liv said, but he shook his head. 

“Fin and I are going to take turns. It’s no problem, really,” Sonny said, and Rafael was grateful to them both. 

******

Liv’s pained cries made him cringe. He was standing beside the bed, holding her hand as the doctor examined her once more. There were a few moments of silence beside the soft noises Liv made every few seconds. He held her gaze, trying to calm her down the best he could. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s alright.” She hadn’t been able to sleep much, even when the contractions were light. She looked absolutely exhausted, and he wished she might be able to get some sleep. 

“Looks like you’re ten centimeters,” Dr. Miller said. “I’m going to get a few nurses in here, and we can start pushing soon.” Rafael felt even more nauseous. This was when things had started to go bad with Sebastian. They were steps closer to when she might have complications that she wouldn’t survive. He forced himself to take a deep breath through his nose and let it out of his mouth. 

“Rafa,” Liv said, her voice full of tears. “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know.” 

“Breathe, you need to calm down,” he whispered, and she glared at him. 

“Like you’re calm,” Liv shot back. “I need you to just stop telling me to calm down. Get your ass in this bed and help me.” He swallowed heavily for a second before nodding. They hadn’t really talked much about how the birth was going to happen. They had both been avoiding the subject as much as possible. He knew not to question what she wanted though. Liv sat up with a little bit of effort, and he slid behind her so she could lean against him. 

“I’m here,” he promised. “Tell me what you need.” 

“Tell me it’s going to be okay, please,” she whispered, settling between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her, leaning down by her ear. 

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. “We’re going to have a healthy baby boy.” She started to relax more as he spoke softly, leaning into him and resting in his arms. He held her hands, and she groaned softly, her head resting against his shoulder. 

“Alright Olivia,” the doctor said gently. “You’re going to pull your legs back, and when you feel the urge to push, I want you to curl up and push as hard as you can.” 

“Okay,” Liv whispered, clutching at his hands. The nurse’s helped her pull her legs in to position, and Rafael braced himself. He knew this was going to be hard. No medications meant she would be in a lot of pain. As she curled forward, screaming, he struggled to hold himself together. She was squeezing his hands so tight, she was crushing his knuckles together, and he grunted softly. 

“Good job sweetheart,” he whispered as she collapsed back against him again. “I love you so much.” 

“Rafa,” she whispered, and he leaned his head forward, so he could press his lips to her cheek. 

“I’m right here,” he whispered. “I know it hurts, but you can do this.” Liv nodded, taking a few moments to try and recover before pushing again. Rafael kept whispering to her, trying to keep her calm, to remind her what was waiting at the end of this. She needed to see past the pain, keep her eyes on the goal, and he knew she would do it. Liv was nothing if not focused. If he could give her that to latch onto, she would get through the labor. 

*******

Liv’s screaming broke Rafael’s heart. She had been pushing for over an hour, and he could tell she was getting tired. He cringed as she laid back against him, crying. He gently brushed the sweaty hair from her forehead, pulling it back for her. “Okay,” he whispered. 

“Rafa,” she sobbed. “I can’t.” 

“You can Liv, you can. I know you can. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. I believe in you,” he whispered. “A few more pushes. He’ll be here soon.” 

“Let’s take a little break,” Dr. Miller suggested. “Just rest for a minute, try to calm down.” Liv nodded, shifting onto her side, and Rafael brushed his fingers through her damp hair. 

“Shhh,” he whispered. “It’s going to be alright. You’re doing so good.” He could feel tears filling his own eyes, and he leaned his face against the top of her head. “It’s okay Liv.” Liv pressed her face into his shirt, and he ran his hand up and down her back. 

“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” she asked. 

“He’s going to be perfect. Both of you are,” Rafael said, started to cry. “You’re both going to be fine.” 

“Oh god,” Liv whispered, grabbing at him. “I need to---I need to push again.” 

“Would you be interested in changing positions?” the doctor asked, and Liv didn’t answer right away. She was groaning against his shirt, sounding exhausted, and he wasn’t entirely sure what to do. 

“Liv, do you want to try a new position?” Rafael asked softly, and she nodded finally. 

“I think a squat might be easiest,” the doctor said softly. “Can you support her?” She was looking at Rafael, and he swallowed, but he nodded. 

“I’ll do whatever she needs,” he said. They eased Liv out of bed, and Rafael got out after her, following the doctor for instructions. She helped them get into position so he was holding Liv up under her arms. She corrected Liv’s posture and positioning, and then they were starting again. Liv pushed again, her head tipping back as she sobbed. “Good job Liv,” he whispered. “You’re doing so well, honey.” A few more pushes, and the doctor looked up to them. 

“It looks like you’re crowning finally. Just try and relax now, let the contractions do the work,” Dr. Miller said. Liv nodded, letting Rafael pull her up a little bit she she could lean against him. 

“Good job,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head. “Good, you’re doing so well.” 

“You’re almost there,” the doctor said, and Liv nodded. Rafael could feel tears and sweat soaking through his shirt, but he pulled her closer anyways. “Alright, the head is almost out.” Rafael felt apprehension, anxiety building up inside of him. Was he going to be okay? Now they were getting to the point where everything had begun to spiral out of control during Sebastian’s birth. “Okay, great, it looks like you have a beautiful baby boy,” Dr. Miller said, and Rafael felt Liv slump against him. He gently helped get her back into bed so she could lay down. The nurse came over and cut the umbilical cord, and Rafael could only see blood covering his new son, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t crying. 

“Is he okay?” he asked, but they didn’t answer. The nurses were working on him in the corner, and then, finally, he heard the loud piercing cry he’d been waiting for. 

“He looks great,” Dr. Miller said. “Almost perfect.” The nurse tried to hand him off to Liv, but she was laying in the bed, eyes closed, and she shook her head, tears escaping down her cheeks. Rafael felt his heart drop. He wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with her. The nurse turned to him, and he swallowed. He had thought he would have a few more minutes, but she was walking toward him, and he couldn’t turn his son away. He couldn’t do it just because he missed Sebastian. She shifted him into his arms, and Rafael looked down to him, tears filling his eyes. His fist was clenched, his eyes closed, a tuft of dark hair on his head. The color was somewhere in between Sebastian and Leo’s hair. 

“Hey,” Rafael whispered, starting to cry for real now. When his eyes fluttered open, the green color made his heart soar. “Hey little guy.” He was irreversibly, unconditionally in love. The little boy in his arms made him so happy, and he barely knew him. “Liv,” Rafael whispered. “Honey, do you want to hold him?” Liv was crying. “You don’t have to. It’s okay Liv.” 

“I want him. I want to want him, but I don’t know how I feel,” she whispered. 

“Okay, take a deep breath,” Rafael whispered. “He’s here when you’re ready.” The Doctor was still at the foot of the bed, taking a look at Liv. He doubted she was even aware. She looked worn out, and he hoped she might decide to hold their son soon, but he didn’t want to push her. She had been through enough already. It took her couple more moments before turned to him and nodded. Rafael set him down on her chest so she could hold him comfortably, skin to skin, and he could see the tears filling her eyes and spilling onto her cheeks. 

“Hey sweet boy,” she whispered, and Rafael was getting emotional himself. 

“Have you picked a name?” One of the nurses asked nicely, and Rafael smiled, looking from her to Liv. She nodded slightly. He had been the one to suggest the middle name, and Liv had agreed almost immediately. 

“Oliver Dominick Barba,” Rafael said softly. 

“Fabulous, that’s adorable,” the nurse said. “I can get you the paperwork when you’re ready.” 

“Alright Olivia, I’m going to need you to push a couple times to get the placenta out,” Dr. Miller said softly. Rafael took Oliver back into his arms, holding him close, but the nurses came over, asking for him. Rafael was hesitant to hand him over, but he knew they needed to check him out. Eventually, he did give them the baby, and he sat with Liv as she delivered the placenta. It was thankfully fairly quick. “You have some tearing and bleeding, but that’s normal,” Dr. Miller said. 

“Right, but last time, she almost died from blood loss,” Rafael said, holding tight to Liv’s hand. 

“We will monitor her closely, but it doesn’t look like anything abnormal,” Dr. Miller said, trying to reassure him, but Rafael didn’t feel comforted. “I will have someone check in every half hour.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. He was getting concerned when Oliver was gone for awhile. They had brought him Sebastian almost immediately, and even though he hadn’t been able to be with Liv, he had the baby to comfort him. Leo was the same way. The nurses had whisked him away for maybe ten minutes at the most. Oliver had been gone for closer to twenty. Finally, Dr. Miller came back in the room. 

“Alright, Oliver looks very healthy. His heart rate is strong and he’s breathing well, but he has a rather low birth weight. This isn’t uncommon in pregnancies with older mothers, and I don’t want you to panic. We’re making sure he is nice and dry and warm right now, and we’ll bring him to you shortly. I want to keep both of you for three days, just for observation, but I don’t anticipate any complications,” she said. 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. Liv was squeezing his hand again. “Can we have the paperwork while we wait?” Rafael wanted something to do, so he wouldn’t worry out of his mind.    
She nodded, bringing him everything he needed to fill out. Liv was still resting, and he was glad she was going to try and get some sleep. He knew she was going to want a shower and something to eat soon. He filled out all the forms, signed them and had Liv sign them, and then they were just waiting. 

“Do you think he’s okay?” Liv asked softly. 

“I mean, she said he’s doing well,” Rafael whispered, but he was feeling some anxiety. He wanted Oliver back in his arms. It was horrible waiting. They were sitting together, Liv leaning into him, on the verge of tears when a nurse finally knocked on the door. Rafael looked up, and she was carrying a bundle of blankets with their son. He had on a little blue cap now to keep him warm. Liv took him first, and he sat there and rubbed her back. Oliver was looking up at them with big, curious, green eyes, and Rafael smiled down at him. His eyes were burning with tears, and Liv was barely keeping herself together. She was still only half in the hospital gown, the fabric falling off her shoulders and down her chest.

“Skin on skin contact is good for him,” the nurse said, helping Liv to shift him up so he could rest against her shoulder and chest area. Rafael was itching to hold him, but he wasn’t going to take him from Liv who had just torn her own body apart. He gently dragged his fingers through her hair. 

“How do you feel?” Rafael asked softly. 

“Everything is a blur,” Liv whispered. “And I’m very tired.” 

“Are you hungry?” he asked. “You can eat whatever you want now.” 

“Maybe in a little bit,” Liv said, and Rafael nodded. 

“You should try feeding him,” the nurse said as she checked Liv out. “We have balm if you have pain from nursing or panty liners to help with any soreness. Just let us know how you’re feeling.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said softly. The nurse helped her shift Oliver around so he could breastfeed. 

“Oh, he’s a natural,” she said when he latched right on. “You’re going to want to offer him milk every two hours once he settles into a schedule. If you need any help, just ask.” Once she finished feeding him, she held him a little bit longer before she turned to Rafael. 

“Here, I can see how much you want him,” she said, and he smiled, taking the baby into his arms. He kissed Oliver’s face, feeling so lucky to have him. He was constantly fighting tears, remembering when he held Sebastian for the first time. He was conflicted, yet he knew he loved Oliver. He loved him so much. It was hard to be completely happy, and yet, he was happier than he’d been in a long time. Liv was fading fast, so he let her get some rest, carrying the baby around. Oliver was fairly quiet, and Rafael couldn’t stop smiling. He loved looking at him and already seeing pieces of himself and Liv. He wondered how they might develop as he grew up, but that thought sent an unexpected pang of sadness throughout him. Sebastian didn’t get the chance to grow up. Everytime he thought about the the aspects of having a new baby that made him happy, there was another thought to bring him down again, leaving him in this purgatory between pain and joy. 

*******

“Rafa.” The voice was soft, but it was enough to pull him from the fog of sleep. He blinked a few times, realizing he was laying down on the little couch near Liv’s bed, Oliver propped against his shoulder. “Rafa, honey, wake up.” That was Liv’s voice. He blinked a few times, swallowing heavily. 

“I’m up, I’m up,” he said, snapping to attention. “What’s wrong?” His heart was racing, wondering if Liv needed a doctor. 

“Nothing sweet man, nothing,” Liv said. “We just need to call the boys. Noah is going to be worrying.” He wiped at his face, still feeling exhausted. 

“Oh, right,” he whispered, yawning. “I can do it. I just need second. What time is it?” 

“It’s midnight. I doubt Noah has gotten any sleep tonight though,” Liv said, and Rafael nodded. He didn’t think it was likely that Noah slept much either. Rafael carefully stood up, handing their son off to Liv who took him into her arms. “You put him right to sleep,” Liv said, and Rafael couldn’t help but smile. 

“Guess we were both tired,” he whispered. “Do you want anything to eat? I could ask about getting a shower.” 

“Yeah, soon. First, why don’t you call about the boys, and maybe we should introduce Sonny to this little guy. I bet he’s still in the waiting room,” Liv said. Rafael nodded. He ran his fingers through his hair a couple times, heading out of the room with a yawn. When he reached the waiting room, he spotted Sonny who was in the corner with a coffee, scrolling around on his phone. When he caught sight of Rafael coming toward him, he stood up, tucking his phone into his pocket. 

“How’s Liv?” he asked. 

“Good,” Rafael replied. “Can you call my mom and tell her to bring the boys? I’m just going to get a drink from the cafeteria and some apple sauce or something for Liv. I’ll take you back to the room then.”

“Sure thing,” Sonny said. Rafael headed toward the cafeteria, buying himself a gatorade. He got one for Liv as well. He found her some apple sauce that he hoped she would eat. He wanted her to get some sort of nutrients, but he wasn’t sure if she was going to cooperate. When he got back, Sonny was still standing up, waiting for him. “Noah is anxious to see you both. Your Mom said she was going to wake Leo up, and they’ll be here soon.”

“Alright, thank you,” Rafael said. “The room is back this way. I’ll just check and make sure Liv’s good.” Sonny nodded, waiting at the door. Rafael poked his head in. “Sonny is here.” 

“He can come in,” Liv said, pulling at her gown a little bit so it was up more. Rafael opened the door, letting Carisi in the room, and his face lit up when he caught sight of Oliver in Liv’s arms. 

“Hey Liv,” he said softly. “How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” Liv said. “Tired.” She could see his gaze on Oliver. “Do you want to hold him?” Sonny nodded, coming closer, and Rafael smiled as the detective took his son. 

“He’s adorable,” Sonny whispered. 

“We think so too,” Rafael said. 

“What’s his name?” Sonny asked, and Liv glanced at Rafael. He tipped his chin at her, and she nodded in understanding. 

“Oliver,” Liv said. “Oliver Dominick Barba.” It took a moment to sink in, but when Sonny looked from Rafael to Liv, there were tears in his eyes. 

“We wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for us over the last year. I don’t know that he would be here without you,” Rafael said softly. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Sonny whispered, sounding emotional. 

“We actually did have a question for you,” Rafael said. 

“We were hoping you would be willing to be his Godfather,” Liv said, and Sonny had to wipe his eyes. 

“I-I’d love to,” he whispered. 

“Perfect,” Rafael replied. He took a seat on Liv’s bed, watching as Sonny sat down with baby Oliver. When he looked to Liv, she was smiling. She took the apple sauce he offered, taking a few bites as they sat there together. 

“It’s okay to be sad,” Liv whispered, and Rafael nodded, squeezing her slightly. “I was talking to George on the phone while you were asleep. I wanted to let him know why you hadn’t called, and he said to remember that it’s okay if you’re sad. It doesn’t mean you don’t love Oliver, and loving Oliver doesn’t mean you don’t miss Sebastian. He said it’s also okay to be happy.” 

“I don’t know what I’d do without him sometimes,” Rafael whispered. “George has been a lifesaver. Literally.” 

“I am so proud of you and us. I wasn’t sure we’d ever feel this happy,” Liv whispered. 

“I’m proud of you,” Rafael said. “You never cease to amaze me.” 

“I feel sweaty and disgusting,” Liv whispered. 

“Let me see if I can help with that,” Rafael said before pressing his lips to her forehead. 

******

Rafael stuck his hand under the water, feeling for warmth. He knew how Liv liked the shower. It was usually so hot, he felt like his skin would melt. He had almost yelped more than once when he decided to climb in with her in the morning, and that was saying something because he liked his showers hot. “Do you want me to help you?” he asked softly. Liv looked unsure. He knew she was so tired though, and he wanted to ensure she would be okay on her own. “Do you think you can do it by yourself? I can sit out here if you want.” She sighed, running a tired hand over her face, and he could see the tears in her eyes. “Liv,” he whispered, stepping closer to her. He dropped his hands to her hips. “Look at me.” He gently cupped her cheek, tilting her head up so he could meet her eyes. “You’re beautiful, really, the most beautiful woman. Let me help you.” 

“I feel so gross Rafael, I don’t want you to--” 

“You’re gorgeous,” he repeated, cutting her off. “I understand what you’re saying, but you’ll always be gorgeous to me. You just had my baby, Liv.” She leaned against his chest, tears streaming down her cheeks, and he ran his fingers through her hair. “Besides, I’m probably bigger than you anyways except I’m just fat,” he joked, exaggerating the curve of his stomach to make her laugh. She sniffled, and he held her close for another few seconds before easing the gown off of her. He stripped himself, and they both climbed under the water. The nurses had thought she should have someone in the room with her, and he figured they didn’t need to know he was all the way in the shower with her. He helped her stay upright until she seemed to catch her balance. She leaned back into his arms, and he kissed her shoulder, letting the warm water run over their bodies. Liv sighed contentedly, eyes closed, and he started massaging her shoulders. “How’s that?” 

“Feels good,” Liv sighed. “I’m a little sore. Maybe more than a little.” 

“I bet,” Rafael murmured. “Let’s just say, I’m glad I was behind you because I might have fainted from all the blood.” Liv laughed. 

“Considering you fainted when they gave Sebastian stitches, chances are you would,” Liv said, and he couldn’t really argue. 

“Here, I’m gonna wash your hair,” he said softly. 

“That sounds lovely,” Liv said, shutting her eyes, and leaning into his touches. 

*******

When they made it back to the room, his mother was sitting on the couch with Leo in her arms, and Noah was pacing around restlessly. He smiled when he looked up and saw them. “Dad! Mom!” he yelled, rushing toward them. 

“Noah, gentle with your mom,” Rafael said softly. Noah flung himself into their arms, and Rafael smiled, stroking his hand through Noah’s curls. He finally managed to get Noah detached, so he could help Liv into bed. 

“Mommy, are you okay?” Noah asked, climbing up on the bed beside her. Leo wiggled around enough to get out of Lucia’s arms. Rafael scooped him up, holding him close. He was glad to see the both of them. 

“I’m alright, Noah,” Liv said, pulling him close. A knock on the door startled them all, and When Rafael looked up, Sonny was coming back in the room with Oliver. 

“I took him for a little walk,” he said. 

“Do you want to meet your brother, Noah?” Liv asked. Noah nodded. Sonny handed him over to Liv who helped Noah to support him. “This is Oliver.” 

“Ollie!” Leo yelled, squirming so he could get closer. Rafael set him on the edge of the bed. He scooted closer to Noah and the baby, and Rafael smiled hugely. “Hi Ollie.” He reached for him, and Rafael grabbed at the back of his shirt. 

“Wait your turn with Ollie,” he said, realizing after the fact that he had repeated Leo’s nickname. “Dammit Leo,” he mumbled, and Liv laughed at him. “You have to be gentle with the baby and with Mommy.” 

“I want to hold him,” Leo whined. 

“Here, come here,” Noah said, and Leo smiled. Noah helped him to hold Oliver carefully, and he was making sure Leo didn’t drop him. It was the most precious thing Rafael had seen in a long time.

*******

Rafael was shivering in the cold, waiting for his Uber to arrive. It was so late, and he was glad he knew a few places that were still open. Liv had wanted dinner, and she was not in the mood for hospital food, so he had gone out to get her something. She had been doing well, and the doctor didn’t think she was going to have any of the previous issues she had with bleeding. It was comforting to him, and he was cautiously optimistic. He was trying not to worry so much, but it was hard for him. He had a bag of chinese food clutched in his hand. Liv was finally able to eat something she wanted rather than constantly trying to stay healthy. They both knew she would need to eat well so that breastfeeding would give Oliver all the nutrients he needed, but she could afford a few cheat meals. He wasn’t going to deny her anything at the moment. 

Finally the car arrived, and he was getting in the back, sighing contentedly at the warmth. The ride was short, and when he got back in the hospital, he headed up to Liv’s room. She was dozing off, and Oliver had been whisked off to the nursery after the boys left. He set the bag down on the table, laying out his blanket and pillow to try and make the couch more comfortable. Once his bed was all set up, he opened up the bag of chinese food, getting his out and starting to eat. He hadn’t eaten almost anything all day. He couldn’t bring himself to go eat while Liv was in pain, and she would have killed him if he left her alone even for a little while. She had been terrified, and honestly, so had he. 

“Eating without me?” Her voice startled him, and he choked on a noodle. She was smiling when he looked up, blinking away the tiredness. 

“Hungry?” he asked. 

“Are you kidding me?” Liv said back, and he laughed. He pushed the table over to her, so she could get at her food. She looked exhausted still, but that was going to last. He remembered the first few days after Sebastian was born. It was so hectic. Leo hadn’t been any better. 

Liv looked very pleased when she was finally able to dig into her chinese food, and he felt the same way. He was so hungry. They both ate in silence for a little bit, and when he finally finished, he felt so much better. Liv wasn’t far behind him. 

“So,” he said softly. “How are you feeling?” 

“Sore,” Liv said. “I’m ready to go to sleep and never wake up.” He laughed softly. 

“You and me both, Liv,” he whispered. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Rafa, always,” Liv said. He couldn’t stop smiling. 

*******

The little hospital couch hurt Rafael’s back, and he woke up when the nurses came in to have Liv feed Oliver. He was very tired, but the night was restless. He found himself waiting in the cafeteria for bad hospital coffee, and he grimaced as he drank it on the way back to the room. Liv looked ragged, and he wanted to make them stop bothering her so she could get some real sleep. He was going to do his best to let her sleep when they finally made it home. She was up with Oliver again as he went to sit down on the couch. “How is he?” Rafael asked. 

“Hungry,” Liv whispered. “I am too.” 

“Do you want me to get you something?” he asked. 

“I wouldn’t object to a bagel,” Liv said. 

“Yeah. I’ll get you whatever you want,” Rafael replied. He kept drinking his coffee, wanting to hold Oliver if he could get the chance. He was going to get Liv’s breakfast after she finished with Oliver so that it would be nice and warm hopefully. They were both sitting there quietly until there was commotion outside the door. He looked up to see his mother coming inside with the boys again, and he smiled. 

“Daddy!” Leo yelled, running over to him, and Rafael picked him up, hugging him tight. 

“Hey buddy, how are you?” he asked softly. 

“Good,” Leo said with a smile. It was barely another minute before a light knock at the door alerted them to the presence of more visitors. Sonny poked his head in with a big smile. 

“Uh, Fin and Rollins are here,” he said. “And Rita.” 

“Yeah, just give us a couple minutes,” Rafael said. “Then you all can come in.” Sonny nodded, ducking back out the door. “Tell me when you’re ready for guests,” he said, looking at Liv. He got Noah and Leo situated on the couch, and when Liv gave him the go ahead, he let their friends into the room. It was crowded with everyone, but they were all smiling and looking at Oliver with love in their eyes. 

“So, uh, what’s his name?” Fin asked. Rafael opened his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted. 

“Ollie!” Leo yelled, and Rafael was about to set them straight, but it was too late. 

“Aw, that’s cute,” Rollins said. 

“Well, actually--” 

“Noah and I got Ollie something!” Leo interrupted before Rafael could continue. He went to Lucia, and she smiled, pulling a little stuffed monkey out of her purse and handing it to him. Rafael had to swallow back tears as Leo and Noah approached Liv. Noah helped Leo up onto the bed, and he thrust the little toy toward Oliver. 

“Gentle,” Liv reminded him. 

“Here Ollie, I got you something,” Leo said, and Liv smiled. 

“Hey Leo, Noah, do you guys want something to eat?” Sonny asked. “I’ll get you whatever you want from the cafeteria.” Rafael appreciated Sonny’s effort to get them out of the room. It was so crowded, and they could come back in a little bit when Rafael and Liv could actually give them some attention. Leo jumped from the bed, racing after Sonny, screaming about ice cream, but Noah was more hesitant. 

“Can I hold him later?” he asked, and Rafael nodded. Noah finally trailed after Sonny out of the room. 

“Does anyone want to hold him?” Liv asked, and Amanda nodded, so he helped hand Oliver off. It was nice to be with their friends, nice to have people around who understood. Everyone had tears in their eyes. Liv was okay, Ollie was okay, but Sebastian wasn’t, and it was such a bittersweet topic. Rita hung back a little bit, and Rafael walked over to her, putting a hand on her arm. 

“Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hey,” she said. 

“You okay?” Rafael asked, and she shrugged. 

“I think about him a lot. How are you?” her voice was soft, and he appreciated her investment in his son more than he could articulate. 

“Hanging in there,” he whispered. “Do you want to hold Oliver?” 

“I like it Leo’s name for him way better,” she teased, and he smiled. He got the baby from Fin, shifting him into Rita’s arms, and they both had tears in their eyes. “He looks a little bit like Sebastian.” 

“Yeah, he does,” Rafael agreed. He was grateful he didn’t look more like his brother. The minor differences that made Oliver himself were adorable, and Rafael would have it no other way. 

******

Rafael was pushing the wheelchair, Sonny helping to carry Oliver’s car seat as they finally left the hospital. It had been a grueling couple of days full of restless nights, and he was more than ready to be back in their apartment with their kids. Liv was going to start pumping so he could do the night feedings to allow her more rest. Rafael took Liv’s hand, helping her into the car so she could sit down. She was still uncomfortable and worn out, so he helped her to lean the seat back. “Do you want anything to eat?” he asked. “We can stop for it on the way home.” 

“I don’t know,” Liv said softly. 

“Alright, well if you think of something, let me know,” he said. She nodded. Sonny got them home in one piece, and Noah and Leo were waiting for them on the couch. Rafael smiled at them, getting Liv settled so she could rest in bed before going out with the boys. The doctors had warned her she needed to to take time to recover. While she hadn’t had any serious complications, she did need stitches, and it hadn’t been an easy labor. Rafael was grateful she was still alive. He took Oliver’s car seat, carrying him back to the nursery. They had put Leo and Noah’s rooms together for now, and so far, they hadn’t killed each other. He and Liv had almost immediately agreed that they wouldn’t be touching Sebastian’s room, not any time soon at least. He knew the solution would only work for so long, and they were talking about possibly looking for a bigger apartment. They could move Sebastian’s things. He wasn’t sure that was the route he wanted to take though, and they had a lot of thinking to do before they made a decision of any sort. Oliver was asleep from the car ride, so Rafael gently transferred him to his crib, turning on the baby monitor on his way out of the room. He was ready to go back to the couch and be with his sons. Despite the still gaping hole in his heart, Rafael felt better than he had in a long time. 

*******

Rafael felt like he was going to fall asleep standing up. On a regular basis, if he showed up at home like this, Liv would get the boys settled before ushering him into a shower and holding him, taking care of him, but tonight was special. They needed to take the boys trick or treating, and he was so much later than he wanted to be. They had been planning on going out for dinner before taking the boys out, but it was getting too late for that. He loved trick or treating. He had done it with Noah since he and Liv started dating. She had been gracious enough to include him in his first halloween in their little family. Noah had been so excited to show him his costume, and despite freezing his ass off, Rafael had a blast walking around and collecting candy. He hadn’t ever been in such a close relationship with a child, and honestly, five years before, he would have been bored out of his mind in the same situation, but Liv had changed that for him. She was the first person he had envisioned a family with, and he would be forever grateful to her. 

Sebastian loved halloween. He loved picking out his costume and getting dressed up. Rafael had accidentally let him have too much candy his second halloween, and he had spent half the night throwing up. Liv had been more than a little upset with him over that. It was Leo’s second halloween, and he was sad that he hadn’t been more involved in costume selections or any of it really. He had been slammed with cases, and most of them were fairly open and shut for Liv, but it was snowballing on him, so he was at the office long hours every night, not seeing his kids as much as he wanted to. When he made it up to the door, he had to dig in his pocket for the keys. He managed to get the door open after jiggling his keys that liked to stick in the lock. He sighed when he pushed the door open, dropping his briefcase on the floor by the coat rack. He hung his jacket up, toeing his shoes off and loosening his tie on his way into the apartment. It was oddly silent. No one was in the living room or kitchen, and he had no idea where they were. “Liv?” he called, looking around for her. He didn’t think they would have left without him, but he checked his watch anyways, noting that it was rather late, about an hour after he wanted to be home. He tiredly rubbed his face, going to the cabinet for a glass of scotch. He had this nagging sense of self hatred. He hated feeling like he was absent, missing out on important days because of work. He had just brought the glass up to his lips when he heard a voice from down the hall. 

“Rafa? Is that you? We’re in Noah’s room!” He nearly choked on his drink, coughing for a second before heading back there to see what they were doing. Liv surely had an adjusted plan. The door was shut, and he knocked. There were lots of giggles coming from inside, and he couldn’t stop the smile that was spreading across his face. 

“Don’t come in!” Sebastian yelled, and Rafael frowned. 

“Why not?” he asked. 

“It’s a surprise,” Noah said, and Rafael sighed. 

“It’ll just be a minute, Rafa, relax,” Liv said. She came out of the room, blocking the door and smiling at him. “You’re late.” 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he whispered, stepping into her space and curling his hand around her rib cage, leaning in for a kiss. Just the brush of her lips made him feel lighter. The stress of his day washed away, and he was safe in her arms. 

“It’s okay. I think maybe we will get dinner after trick or treating,” she said. He sighed, but it wouldn’t be the latest dinner he’d ever eaten. 

“What did you do?” he asked softly, eyeing the closed door suspiciously. She smiled. 

“Boys,” she called. “Are you ready?” When she opened the door and the boys filed out, he had to take a moment to process the sight in front of him. Noah, Sebastian, and Leo were all dressed nicely, vest, tie, and everything, their hair slicked back like his own. He felt tears pricking his eyes, and he swallowed against he sting at the back of his throat. Sebastian had a little briefcase, and they were all smiling. 

“Hi Daddy,” Sebastian said. 

“Hola mijos, you all look so handsome. Ven aquí,” he said kneeling down. 

“Group hug!” Sebastian yelled, and the. They were all over over him. He laughed, falling back on the floor, and he felt so much lighter than before. 

“Alright boys,” Liv said. “Let’s let Daddy change so we can go.” They finally climbed off of him, and he headed into the bedroom. Sebastian followed, climbing up on the bed. 

“How was school?” Rafael asked. 

“Good,” he said. “Me and Brody built a castle in the sandbox.” 

“Brody and I, Sebastian,” he corrected absently. 

“Daddy?” Sebastian asked, and Rafael looked over at him. 

“Yes?” He asked. 

“Is it fun being a lawyer?” He asked. 

“I like it,” Rafael said. 

“Maybe I can try it,” Sebastian said. 

“If you want,” Rafael agreed. “I thought you wanted to be a fireman.” 

“I do, but I also want to be like you,” Sebastian said, and Rafael stopped, tears stinging his eyes. 

“I love you buddy,” he said softly, pulling on a quarter zip sweatshirt. He hugged Sebastian, smoothing one of his curls down flat again before taking his hand. “Come on, let’s go get some candy.” 

********

Rafael was sitting in Sebastian’s room, on the bed, Davey leaned against the pillow. He had his laptop out, and he was clicking through pictures. He did it at least once every week. Whenever he started to feel like he was forgetting Sebastian’s face or his voice, he had to go back and remind himself. Sometimes it hurt a lot to look at the pictures, and sometimes it made him smile. He would grieve Sebastian for the rest of his life, and he knew that wasn’t going to change. He just had to learn how to live his life at the same time. He clicked the mousepad, going to the next picture. Sebastian was smiling at him as he stood by the Christmas tree he picked. Rafael smiled at his little dimples. He really thought Sebastian looked a lot like Liv when he smiled like that. His eyes were sparkling, and Rafael’s heart broke for the millionth time. Every time it hit him that he would never see that smile again, it hurt a lot. He moved onto the next picture, and smiled. Sebastian on Santa’s lap. He had screamed and thrown a fit the first few times, but it had gotten better when he turned four. Rafael had finally been able to calm him down enough to get the picture. The next click brought him to a video of Sebastian running around and singing him a song, and Rafael had to swallow heavily. He loved hearing Sebastian’s voice. He missed hearing it. He missed his son’s sleepy face when he crawled in bed with them because he was sick. He missed holding him close, being able to witness the marvel of his life, and he was grateful for the five years he did get even if he wished he had so many more. 

He was clicking through more when the door to Sebastian’s room opened, and a little body landed beside him. Rafael smiled at his youngest son who looked up at him with big curious, green eyes. “Hi Daddy,” he said. 

“Hi Ollie,” he whispered. Leo had broken him down. First Noah had joined in, and then despite his best efforts, he had accidentally caught himself calling him Ollie instead of Oliver. Eventually, he and Olivia had given up. 

Ollie climbed into his lap, looking at the computer. “It’s Sebastian,” he whispered, and Rafael smiled softly. They hadn’t hidden Sebastian from Ollie. He heard them talk about his older brother, saw the pictures of him around the house. Rafael talked about Sebastian as much as he could. There had been a few months were Leo hadn’t wanted to talk about Sebastian at all. He had thrown fits and demanded the pictures be taken down, and that had been hard for Rafael. Leo had thankfully worked his way through those feelings eventually though. 

“Yeah, mijo, that’s right. It’s Sebastian,” Rafael said. He stroked a hand through Ollie’s hair. He was certainly quieter than Sebastian had ever been, but he wasn’t nearly as quiet as Leo. 

“Where is Sebastian?” Ollie asked softly, and Rafael smiled, smoothing his son’s hair back. 

“Sebastian got hurt, and his body stopped working. He died Ollie. We’re going to go see him today though, a place where we can go to remember him,” Rafael explained. He was sure Ollie didn’t understand. He had only just turned two not that long ago. It was the same explanation he had used with Leo when he was that age. He definitely didn’t grasp all of it, but he impressed Rafael constantly with his intelligence. He understood more than Rafael had expected. 

“Why today?” Ollie asked. 

“Because, it’s his birthday,” Rafael said softly. 

“How old is he?” Ollie asked. Rafael swallowed heavily, his heart hurting. 

“Seven,” he whispered. “He’ll be eight today.” Ollie just nodded. 

“I’m hungry,” he said after a minute, so Rafael close the laptop, standing up and carrying Ollie out toward the kitchen. Noah was sitting at the table, eating breakfast that Rafael assumed Liv had made. They both had a hard time on birthdays, the first day of each school year, and of course, the anniversary of his death. Rafael would sometimes hole himself up in Sebastian’s room, or other times, he would refuse to leave the kids alone. It was comforting for him to be near them. Rafael got Ollie a few pancakes from the tray, turning toward Noah. 

“Where’s your Mom?” he asked as he put some syrup on Ollie’s plate. 

“I don’t know,” Noah said. “I haven’t seen her.” 

“Didn’t she make these?” Rafael asked, and Noah shook his head. 

“I did,” Noah said, and Rafael sighed. He hated how much growing up Noah had been forced to do because of what happened to Sebastian. 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly, and Noah nodded. Rafael needed to go find Liv and make sure she was okay. He set Ollie down in the chair. “Can you watch him for like ten or fifteen minutes?” Noah nodded. He went back to the bedroom, opening the door. Liv was sitting on the bed, scrolling through her phone. He took a seat beside her. “Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hi,” she said softly. He could see Liv was looking at work emails. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Are you?” Liv whispered. 

“I’m better now that I’m with you,” he said, and she smiled. “Special days are hard, but we can talk about him as much as we want.” 

“I always want to talk about him,” Liv said. “It makes things awkward though. People never know what to say, so I can’t talk about him.” 

“We can talk about him,” Rafael whispered. Liv nodded, turning toward him, pressing her face into his shirt, and he held her close. “You’ll feel better when we go see him. The boys are the kitchen. Come on, let’s go get some breakfast.” Liv finally nodded, getting up and following him. Leo finally made an appearance, sitting beside Ollie at the table. He and his brother had grown very close especially after they started sharing a room so Noah could have some privacy. Liv ate a pancake, but Rafael wasn’t very hungry. He was feeling nervous. He poured himself a cup of black coffee, sipping at it. 

“When are we leaving?” Noah asked softly. Rafael sighed, looking at the clock. 

“Maybe noon,” Rafael said, and Liv nodded. 

“I’m going to do homework,” Noah said, disappearing back to his room. Rafael glanced at Liv, wondering if he should go after their son or give him some space. Noah always had a hard time on Sebastian’s birthday. Despite their best efforts, Noah still felt some residual guilt over Sebastian’s death. He still went to therapy appointments, but he was thankfully back in school. They had transferred him to Lucia’s charter school once everyone felt comfortable enough to send him to school. Rafael had almost lost it the first day Noah was back in school. He had called the office four times in an hour until his mother had called him herself and told him that she would personally drive down to the DA’s office and smack him if he called again. 

Leo’s first day of kindergarten had been another hard day. Both he and Liv had cried the whole way to the school. Rafael had been the one who wouldn’t leave even when Leo was more than ready to be on his own. He stood behind Leo’s chair, running his fingers through his son’s hair. Leo was so precious to him, and he felt overprotective. He knew it was irrational, but Leo was the same age Sebastian had been, and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like Leo was slipping from his fingers. It was a daily fight, but he and Liv were working together to stay above the water. Leo turned to face him, dislodging Rafael’s hand from where it was buried in his locks. “Daddy,” he said, and Rafael smiled down at him. 

“Yeah?” he asked softly. 

“I love you,” he said, and Rafael’s lips curled up into a smile. He pulled Leo up into his arms with a grunt. Leo wrapped his arms around Rafael’s neck, and he held him close. Leo was a sweetheart. He always seemed to know what Rafael needed. 

“I love you too, Leo,” Rafael whispered. He set Leo down, going to see if Noah was doing alright. He walked down the hall, stopping in front of Noah’s closed door. He hesitated a second before bringing his hand up, rapping his knuckles against the wood. 

“Come in.” Rafael opened the door. Noah was sitting in bed, Ketchup curled up beside him, and Rafael took a step inside, pulling the door shut. 

“Hey Noah,” he whispered, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. Noah didn’t look up, a few curls falling into his eyes. Rafael waited. Noah would talk when he was ready. 

“Dad,” he finally whispered, and Rafael could hear the anguish in his voice. He moved closer to Noah, pulling the teenager into his arms. Noah hadn’t broken down like this in awhile, and Rafael wasn’t sure exactly what was wrong. He rubbed Noah’s back, and he pressed his face into Rafael’s shirt. “He was so little,” Noah whispered, and Rafael understood. As Noah matured, as he got older, he understood more and more, and there were days where realities hit him about Sebastian, about what had happened in his school that day, about his parents. 

“He lived so much in those five years, Noah,” Rafael whispered. 

“But why did he only get five years? Why am I alive?” Noah sobbed. 

“There aren’t always answers, Noah,” Rafael said. “Sebastian was loved. You loved him, I loved him, Mom loved him, Leo loved him. He was happy. It’s not fair that he died, but he did, and you don’t have to feel guilty for being alive.” Rafael held Noah, and he rocked him and comforted him until he calmed down. 

“I miss him,” Noah whispered.

“I know, me too, and it’s okay to be sad,” Rafael murmured. “I’ve very proud of you Noah. You’ve really held me together when I needed it. You’re so precious to me.” Noah held tight to Rafael. 

“You’re a really good Dad,” Noah whispered, and Rafael’s throat stung. 

“I know I am,” he teased softly, but it did make him feel emotional. “Are you alright?” Rafael asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Noah said. “I’m going to get dressed to go, and I need to take Ketchup out.” 

“Come find me if you need anything,” Rafael whispered, and Noah nodded. Rafael was just pushing himself up to his feet when his phone started blaring in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing Sonny’s name flash across the screen. “Hello?” he asked, knowing there was probably some sort of emergency. He had told the whole squad they better not bother him or Liv unless someone was legitimately dying. 

“Rafael, you have to turn on the news. Rita did it. She had some bigwig friend who she called a favor in with….” Rafael lost himself in Sonny’s rambling, taking a moment to figure out what the detective was talking about. Then it hit him. They had finally gotten the gun law, the whole squad and eventually, Olivia had helped to write, passed in the state, and the next step was on a more federal level. It hadn’t looked like it was going to go through, but as he rushed to the living room, scrambling for the remote and changing the channel from Ollie’s cartoons, his heart began to soar with hope. Flashing across the bottom of the screen were the words that brought tears to his eyes.  _ In a surprising turn, Sebastian’s Law passes through cross aisle voting.  _ He hadn’t been watching the news, unable to bear all of his hard work going down the toilet. He didn’t want to see the country refuse to change the very thing that killed his son. The boy who had taken that gun and killed Sebastian had been deeply disturbed, and people had seen it. No one had been able to intervene, and Rafael was changing that with this law. It would help to identify possibly unstable individuals and restrict their access to guns pending an investigation. It had been rocky to propose the bill, and through over a year of revising it and campaigning for it, it had seemed hopeless, not garnering any bipartisan support, but Rita had come through for him and for Sebastian, and for that, Rafael would be forever grateful. 

“Liv!” Rafael yelled, “Jesus Christ, Liv!” Months of speaking about Sebastian, about the devastation that had shaken their family to the core hadn’t been for nothing. It had made a difference. 

“What?” she asked, leaning in the door, and Rafael swallowed back tears. He couldn’t speak. He pointed, and she turned looking at the screen. “It passed?” she asked, looking at him incredulously, and he nodded. Then she was in his arms and he could press his face against her neck as he sobbed. They both were crying, clinging to each other, but it was good. He was so happy that he could do something to protect other children from the fate of his son. It was a step in the right direction. “We did it,” Liv whispered. “It’s named after him, Rafa, no one will ever forget.” He shook even harder when she said that. It took him awhile to finally calm down enough to pull away. Liv cradled his head in her hands, kissing his forehead. “Let’s go see our baby.” He nodded, wiping his face. He headed back to the bedroom, dressing himself. He helped Ollie get dressed afterwards, and he carried him out to the car. The ride to the cemetery was quiet at first, but everyone was there including Ketchup. He ran his fingers through his hair. Rafael was grateful for Leo and Ollie’s constant questions. They kept him thinking instead of focusing on everything that weighed him down on special days. Everyday was hard if he was being honest, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as special days. He usually went to see Sebastian during his lunch or every Sunday if he was too busy during the week. He kept pictures on his desk, he watched videos. He thought about his son constantly, but life felt like it was worth it again. He had his other boys, he had Olivia, and he had the opportunity to remember Sebastian and try to change things for the better, so that was what he focused on. Otherwise, he would have been long gone. When Liv parked the car, Rafael got Ollie out, carrying him toward the area of the cemetery where Sebastian was buried. Noah had Ketchup and a handful of balloons. 

Rafael stopped in front of the little tombstone. Everytime he looked at it, he felt overly emotional. He stood back for a second until he realized Ollie was staring at him. “Daddy,” Ollie whispered. “Sad?” 

“Yeah buddy,” Rafael said. “I’m sad.” He took a step closer, kneeling down, Ollie balanced on his hip. “Hi Seb,” Rafael whispered. 

“Hi,” Ollie repeated softly, and Rafael smiled through the tears. 

“I miss you more than ever buddy,” Rafael whispered. “Every breath without you hurts, every passing day. I’m sorry you didn’t get more time, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m trying to do okay without you. I’m trying.” After he knelt for a little while, he finally forced himself up to his feet, keeping an eye on the boys so Liv could have a few moments. She was very private when she visited Sebastian, and he knew she appreciated the moments she could have alone. 

“We should have brought Davey to visit,” Leo said, and Rafael smiled. 

“Maybe next time buddy,” Rafael said softly. He sort of liked the idea, but he also didn’t want to get Davey all dirty. He wasn’t sure how long the teddy bear would last with repeated washing. Noah took a few moments for himself when Liv was done, and Rafael smiled softly. 

“What are the balloons for, Daddy?” Leo asked. 

“It’s Sebastian’s birthday,” Rafael said. “We’re celebrating the time that we got to love him.” Once Noah was finished, Rafael gave the boys balloons, a few each. “On three, we’re going to let them go,” he said. He looked to Liv and to Noah, feeling his heart swell with love. He was grateful for the family he had, for the time he had with Sebastian, for the time he still had with Noah, Leo, and Ollie. That was the happiness that he held onto. “1,” he said softly. 

“2,” Liv continued, reaching for his free hand. 

“3,” Noah whispered, and they all let go. Rafael watched the red balloons rise slowly, a soft, sad smile spread across his face. Eight balloons. 

“Happy birthday Seb,” he whispered, watching as they disappeared into the sky. 


End file.
